Haircuts, Race, And Why I Cringe About The Whole Damn Thing

On Tuesday we took Tori to get her hair cut again. It grows so damn fast! She was beginning to look a bit wild already, and Sunday is Easter (although I haven't been to church in ages--apparently, I accidentally gave up church for lent thanks to various illnesses and my vacation) and she's wearing the cutest dress that I bought right after Christmas thanks to Tori's internet auntie Tanya in Japan, and I just wanted Tori to look cute and springy and adorable. So, off we went.

Instead of driving twenty minutes away I decided to go to the place that is right in the downtown section of my borough. It was close, and I'd forgotten all about it before, and I realized I should support my local businesses and, so, off we went.

It was a DISASTER.

The hairdresser was utterly TERRIFIED of her scissors (she had a large scar on her hand where she's slipped before). Tori is not the greatest kid while getting her haircut, crying at first (although she settled down while I held her) and moving around a lot, so the hairdresser kept jumping away from Tori, both afraid of cutting Tori and cutting herself. Once Tori settled down, she worked hard on her, FOR NEARLY AN HOUR.

The result? Tori has uneven bangs, her hair is super short and a cross between a typical boy cut and a bowl cut, one side is much thicker than the other, and she has a huge chunk missing out of the back of one section because the hairdresser slipped and cut when Tori moved. I'd been hoping for something more like this, and instead got this (sorry these pictures suck, I literally stopped writing to run up and interrupt Tori playing with Sarah's daughter to photograph her):

Now, I realize Tori is going to suffer no trauma from this event (I'm not so sure about me) and her hair grows super fast so it's really not a big deal. But let's discuss the hairdresser for a moment. It sounds like she's totally incompetent, doesn't it? Like she has no right to be running a hair salon at all.

But here's the thing: she's African-American, and so are most of her customers, and guess what? She told me most of them DON'T GET THEIR HAIR CUT with scissors. They use clippers on the boys, and the girls get braids or get styles. So she's actually a great hairdresser (I'm judging this by her three kids who were all there with great hair styles). She's just not the hairdresser for Tori.

But she didn't feel comfortable turning us away as customers. How ironic is that?

I thought about this as I listened to Obama's speech. I'll tell you the truth; I don't think what his pastor said was all that wrong, or untrue, or out of line. But it still makes me squirm. In a weird way, it makes me squirm the same way that Sarah and Charlie's road rage makes me squirm. Other people's anger just  makes me uncomfortable. It is very difficult to just sit and listen to other people's rage and just... take it for what it is, and accept that it isn't directed at us personally.

And that, I think, is what Obama is asking us to do.

It's challenging.

I like that he is challenging us.

But here's what bothers me, too. There is a bit of, well, I don't know what to call it. What if Hillary, in reaction to Ms. Ferraro's comments, decided that SHE needed to have give a "major speech" about race?

Yeah.

Only Mr. Obama is allowed to give such a speech. Because he's not white. I, frankly, would not have been comfortable addressing the fact that the reason Tori's haircut came out so badly was because her hairdresser was inexperienced in cutting white hair, frankly, if I didn't have Obama's speech to build it around. I can frame it all nice and carefully around this whole, "See, I'm not a racist" blog entry this way. But I will confess that I hadn't gone to this kid's haircuttery before because I knew it was primarily for African-Americans until one of the parents at the playground mentioned it to me, and I worried that I was being racist by not choosing to patronize it.

The truth is, as a liberal white, I am so goddamned uncomfortable ever talking about race that I pretend it doesn't exist. My friend Jim, who happens to be black, once told me a joke: "What do you call a black person who can fly a plane?" I paused for a moment, and before I could say anything he said, "A pilot, you racist motherfucker!" and then he laughed and laughed. Of course, Jim is the same guy who corrects you when you say, "I dyed my hair black," he looks askance and says, "African-American!" so I didn't take it too seriously, but still--it's a perfect example of my white liberal guilt--I'm looking for the special, above-and-beyond the norm label when, in fact, a black person flying a plane is really just a pilot like everyone else that flies planes.

I found Obama's speech deeply compelling, like so many of you did (as I read in your blogs). But I'm still leaning toward Hillary at the moment. Here's one reason: when I look at the issues section of Obama's page, I don't find anything about a woman's right to choose. Not even when I hunt through it. Extensively. That REALLY bothers me. He claims to be pro-choice, but why not say so? Obama fans, can you help me here? Hillary has women's rights front and center in her issues list. As you all know, this issue is just a tad important to me. Heh.

But before I divert myself too far from the issue at hand, I think Jon Stewart said it best last night: kudos to Barack Obama for standing up yesterday (in my city!) and talking to us about race--LIKE WE ARE ADULTS. God bless him for that.

I'd love the hear your thoughts. Do tell!

Comments

[jenn]

Non-confrontational is in the top five words to describe me. I'll fake a seizure to avoid discussing a touchy subject with someone I'm afraid of offending.

However, I actually like that with Obama and Hillary some of these squirm-prone issues like gender and race are getting plunked right down on the table for discussion. What pisses me off is that only CERTAIN people are allowed to discuss them. If other people mention them, they're "playing the gender/race/religion/whatever card." We're never going to get past these divisive issues as a nation if we aren't allowed to frankly examine and discuss them.

I loved Obama's speech...but I'm still a Hillary girl at this point, and I'm not sure if I can even articulate all the reasons why. I sometimes look at her and think that's the kind of woman I want my daughters to be... unafraid to be blatantly intelligent, competent, and barreling right on despite so many who have tried to pull her down or convince her that what she wants is unattainable. I'm so tired of hearing that America's "just not ready for a woman president" that it makes me want to throw things. Why the fuck not?

Incidentally, bummer on Tori's hair, but 99.9% of people are not going to look past that sweet face to even notice what color her hair is, let alone what style. :)

[Juanita]

When it comes to race issues, I really wish someone would explain to me why a person who has a white parent and a black parent is ALWAYS considered to be black.
Like you, I'm with you on leaning toward Senator Clinton because she does take a stand on the "choice" issue.

[Stacy]

I think the hairdresser should have turned you away. I went to a great African-American hairdresser for a while and she did not like to cut my hair either. She just didn't know how my hair would react. My hair is straight and she thought she had to do a very precise cut. My current hairdresser just admitted to me the other day he won't take people with very curly hair, he just isn't as comfortable as he would like cutting it.

[Le]

Don't feel too uncomfortable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khuu-RhOBDU

[Catherine]

Tori looks cute even with messed-up hair. :)

As far as Obama's speech, it was good. I mean, yeah. We already knew he could give a good speech. That's what got us into this mess in the first place - one good speech. Which STILL doesn't a president make.

[becky]

I think we all see race.

I'm in a weird position, being redheaded and blue-eyed but half Cherokee and growing up on a reservation. I'm always afraid someone will laugh at me when I check the Native American box -- sometimes I don't to avoid explanations. My husband is very dark. People assume he is half black or hispanic, yet he is actually white. People assume we are a mixed race couple, which we are, just not in the way they think.

So, my race is mostly on the inside, in my experience of being on a reservation till age 13, while my white husband has no internal experience of race, just external bias of people's assumptions.

Where I am going with this? Race is complicated. People's reactions are complicated. We need to talk about it.

[mar]

As I told my husband, I think that speech is either going to get him the nomination or bury him - nothing in between. I think it took courage to give the speech, but I agree that if Hillary had given the speech, the reaction would have been very different, and that bothers me. I have Jon Stewart on the Tivo - will watch it later today, can't wait to see what he said.

I will say I'm thrilled that Obama brought up the subject, and made it ok for all of us to talk about. I loved how he talked about how both the black, inner city anger at what they perceive as white privilege is real, justified (at times), and deserves to be recognized and honored, just as the white, blue collar middle class anger at either having their jobs shipped overseas or losing a job due to affirmative action is also real, justified, and deserves to be recognized and honored. Again, could Hillary have said that w/o being shot down or vilified? Probably not.

I am mostly ok with the fact that he denounced what his pastor said, but acknowledged he couldn't sever him out of his life, as he considers him family. It would be nice if the pastor said something in support of the fact that he understands Obama's position. Let's face it, we all have someone in our family with whom we politically disagree, and yet, we still love them, and they're still family. Heck, my mother-in-law is lifelong Republican, and I still take care of her!! ;-)

I think it would have been nice if he acknowledged the fact that he was in a unique position to give such a speech, but I will admit, I was more moved and swayed than I ever thought I would be by him. I told my husband I'd like to have 2 presidents - Obama for national issues, and Hillary for international issues. Oh well - as long as it's not McCain!

P.S. - I'm with you on the choice issue - I'll only vote for a candidate that supports both a woman's right to choose, as well as one who will not support a constitutional amendment against gay marriage - that's my litmus test for all of them! The rest is negotiable.

[Spacemom]

To be honest? I only take my kids to people who deal with kids. The kids were so nervous in the first place and don't sit still that I would rather have someone who works on kids all day.

Obama? Unfortunately, we still need those who suffer the wrong to stand up and say "This is wrong to still do".

[Carla Hinkle]

I am a little disappointed in you, Cecily.

What Obama is asking us to do is to look *past* our narrow interest groups and work on how we can be united together.

That includes the pro-choice interest group, just like it includes ethnic groups, evangelical Christians, gun owners, whatever.

Reading your post it seems you respect what Obama says and think it is a good challenge for us as a nation. That we have the possibility to accomplish great things.

But rejecting a vote for him because of a single issue -- even one so near to your heart as choice -- is a vote for staying with our old, fractured way of thinking, for just your own interests, rather than for everyone's.

I understand that you feel passionately about choice. (And just for the record, I agree with you, so I am not criticizing the importance of that issue.) I am sure most people who identify with an interest group also feel passionately about it, whether it is racism, prayer in schools, immigration -- it doesn't really matter.

The challenge is to look *beyond* our own self-interest. It is hard -- that's why it's a challenge. If you think that on balance, Obama would be a better president than Clinton save for the choice issue (and maybe you don't), I think you are doing a disservice not to vote for him.

[Celeste]

There's race and there's culture. Race is unchangeable. Culture is damn near unchangeable.

What I took from the speech is we need to work together. Is that possible? We're going to find out.

Personally I think the hairdresser should have been upfront that she really isn't experienced in cutting non-African hair. Then you would have really known you were taking your chances. It's not too late to get her a cute little pixie cut for the holiday which will be nice and cool for warm weather. Just a thought.

LOL at the pilot joke.

[Dave]

Unfortunately, most voters do vote on their "hot button" issue. And for the most part, fear plays a big part in it.

I can't tell you how many of my gun-owning friends have urged me to get a firearm now "before the democrats get elected and take away that right". Politicians use fear to manipulate voters. (ex. "If we leave Iraq now, al-quieda will follow us home")

From where I'm sitting, a lot of us are taking the bait.

I can't tell you how many people I know (who I thought had brains) actually believe Barack is a muslim with plans to get elected and destroy America.

The country has been run on this sort of politic for too long. I'm ready for a change.

[Liana]

Obama said yesterday that there is still a great divide between where blacks and whites go on Sunday morning. I will add to that and say that the larger divide is the hair salon.

Do you want to see terror? Let me walk my loc'ed self into one of those white salons, either the fancy ones in Center City or the Hair Cuttery in the mall. Those stylists have no freaking idea what to do with my hair and would begin having palpitations if I asked to get my hair done.

There is no need to prove anything by taking Tori to a black establishment. The hair and the styling is different. That isn't racism. That is reality. Do you know how many white mothers of black or biracial children have to learn that if they want their kids hair to be done properly, they need to go to people who know how to work with this hair? And that's OK.

So I can go to my black salon that specializes in natural hair and Tori and go to a salon where kids get their hair cut with shears. And it's all good!

[Lasserday]

i found the quote below in a nytimes article. i think one of the things that i love the most about obama is that he demonstrates the nuanced thinking that seems to be lacking in our government officials. either it is lacking or they are just not talking to us like adults like was said before. i too am for the choice to be mine about what i do with my body but it has always bothered me that friends with strong religious/jesus centered thinking have ignored all the social justice issues of the candidates and chosen their candidate based solely on abortion. i think that what is at stake here is bigger than one issue. what we need to pull us back from teh precipice is a candidate of honor. i know that sounds kind of silly but it is how i feel. i NEED to feel like my president is the kind of person who has standards, who isn't going to lie and twist things to get ahead. The moment that Hillary tried to make it look like Obama loved the republicans, she lost my respect. that isn't presidential behavior in my opinion. it assumes that we are too stupid to read his own words and realize that that wasn't what he said. also it shows that she is not above straight out lying to us, and i, for one, have had enough of that with bush.

as for hillary having made a speech about race, i don't think it would have gone over well but i don't think that is a bad thing. i think it is like if my rich friends tried to preach to me about the injustices of poverty. sure, they know it is unjust but there is just some knowledge one has to come by by experience.

anyway, here is the quote....

“I don’t think people take the issue lightly. A lot of people have arrived in the view that I’ve arrived at, which is that there is a moral implication to these issues, but that the women involved are in the best position to make that determination. And I don’t think they make it lightly. I don’t think they make it callously, so I reject a comparison between a woman struggling with these issues and Michael Vick fighting dogs for sport. I don’t think that’s sort of how people perceive it."

[Katie]

I don't generally comment, but I thought I'd share with you Obama's page on women's issues:

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/womenissues

His site has a whole section devoted to women. Hope that helps someone in some small way. There is a section in the middle of the page with the heading "reproductive choice".

[Chickenpig]

I think you could have done a better job on Tori's hair for free, heck, I could have done a better job on Tori's hair, and I suck! I don't think it's about race, here, just doing right by your client. If you're scared of your own damn scissor, and you're not used to cutting a kids hair, say so! For cryin' out loud. In all fairness there are plenty of white hairdressers that are scared shitless of hurting a toddler, but all you have to say is "I don't feel comfortable".

We have taken our boys to the hair dresser once...once, and we will probably not do it again until they can sit in the chair like human beings. The sad thing is that the only reason why we brought them instead of my husband cutting their hair (he does a pretty good job) is because D has beautiful curly hair and my husband's cutting left him looking like a flowby attacked him. We figured a hairdresser, and she is a very good one I might add, would know how to cut his curly hair. Wrong, we were SO wrong, she said "His hair is so beautifully curly there isn't a wrong way to cut it." Oooh yes there is, afterwards he looked like a plague victim, or a child shorn before entering the work house, much worse than "Hair by flowby".

As for Hillary's and Obama's issues lists...I think that Obama is most likely pro choice, but he may feel that the war, the economy, and health care are more important to a majority of the voters. The way I feel about Pro Choice is this, there are many ppl (idiots) who only vote for a person if they're anti choice. It doesn't matter that the person drank and did cocaine while he was in college (Bush) was only a marginal C student (Bush) backed out on his commitment in the National Guard (Bush) ruined two company's on his watch (Bush) or thinks the war in Iraq could last 100 years (McCain)...as long as they say, and I mean SAY because they can't really DO anything about it...that they are against abortion. Bush did nothing for the conservatives except give them lip service, and the sad thing is that most of those conservatives are the ones hit hardest by the economy and the war. As for hot button issues, choice, pro or against, isn't one that will make or break this country right now, any more than Gay marriage will. I think Obama is keeping his lips sealed so as not to scare away conservative voters.

[ktpupp]

I also use a politician's stance on choice as a factor when deciding. I just can't support someone who would take that choice from women...

Here's what I could find on Obama's site about his pro-choice stance:

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/womenissues

About halfway down the page it covers "Reproductive Choice" and states that he "will make preserving women’s rights under Roe v. Wade a priority as President. He opposes any constitutional amendment to overturn the Supreme Court's decision in that case."

My vote will be happily cast for either Hillary or Barack when it comes down the wire in November. I feel confident that either of them will support my values on this important issue.

[Rachel]

I couldn't find it on his website either. I agree, that's a bit of a concern. However, he is definitely pro-choice and I think that's the important point. Here are some facts I found elsewhere ....

In February 2004, his wife, Michelle, sent out a fund raising letter, which actually stated her concern over the rise of conservatism in the Country, and that the ‘so-called’ partial-birth abortion was a legitimate medical procedure that should be protected.

In 2003, as chairman of the next Senate committee to which BAIPA (Born Alive Infants Protection Act) was sent, Obama prevented it from even getting a hearing. BAIPA, by the way, stated that all live-born babies were guaranteed the same constitutional right to equal protection, whether or not they were wanted.

In 2001, he voted “present” on a bill to notify parents when their minor children seek an abortion.

He voted against a cloning ban in 2000, but voted for it in 2001.

In 1997, Obama twice voted “present” on an Illinois partial-birth abortion ban.

Also, the pro-lifers seem to HATE him, which has to mean something, right? Here's an article as an example.

http://www.cnsnews.com/ViewCommentary.asp?Page=/Commentary/archive/200801/COM20080109b.html

[rabi]

you said, "The truth is, as a liberal white, I am so goddamned uncomfortable ever talking about race that I pretend it doesn't exist."

that's pretty much the DEFINITION of white privilege, is it not?

this is not a criticism of you. but I think it's important for us, as a conglomerate american culture, to get past the point where we allow certain groups of people to avoid engaging with things that are uncomfortable or upsetting to think about. I actually wish that hillary clinton WERE standing up to make speeches and statements about race. I think that would be great.

it's disturbing, seriously, that obama makes no mention of women's rights in his issue statements. it's equally disturbing that clinton leaves civil rights out of hers. what's going on here? do we voters get so little credit as human beings that they assume we can't identify with people who don't match us? feminism and anti-racism: NOT a zero sum game!

neither of these candidates really represent my own views, which are way too socialist to belong to an electable candidate. I had to get over my distaste for a number of their positions to even consider who to vote for in the primary. it sucks, doesn't it?

[Ariel]

I think Obama gave a great speech and I hope it's replayed in future years. However, my worry with him is that once again, the big deal was a speech he made, not actions that he took. I have no problem that he stayed at the church and stayed close with the reverand because everybody has friends, family members, etc. they love but can sincerely disagree with on important issues. But the fact that Obama knew what the reverand said and still put him on his campaign is beyond me. Was Obama really that naive to think that no one would find out or care? If Obama is able to rise above this and the polls show he hasn't been hurt too much by it - I will be much more relieved if he becomes the nominee (although my first choice is Clinton). But if this has lasting damage on him - I'm going to be incredibly disappointed in the naivete and arrogance of his campaign.

[Rach]

I can't stand either one, but I must say this. We know right NOW what Hillary's about. Obama either a) doesn't know what he's about, or b) is really smart and knows he's scare the whole damn country to bits if we knew too, so he's just waiting until he's in office.

I didn't ever think I could find one good thing about Hillary, but I must admit at least she knows her stuff, even though it's Marxist stuff.

I'm John McCain all the way - though some days I think all 3 candidates are really one and the same.

[Lisa]

I think Tori's hair can be fixed before Sunday, but I also want to say that I admire Rach more than words can say. She's a brave, brave woman. ;) (And I agree with her.)

All this talk about "I'll vote for Hillary just because she's a woman" -- would you say that if Condi was the only woman candidate?

[Yvette]

The only difference between a bad haircut and good hair is 2 weeks.:)

[Leighann]

To answer Juanita:

I am mixed and identify myself as Black, because that is how society views me. My father understands he raised a Black woman and for me or him to think differently would be absurd. My husband is mixed, he identifies as a Black man, most people think he's Mexican (which is good when we go out to eat....discounts!) the one drop rule has alot to do with it. Along with a realistic view of race inherited from my parents.

[jen]

more on Obama and choice (and women's issues more broadly):

http://obama.senate.gov/speech/051110-remarks_of_sena_1/

While I am also a little surprised by the omission of a "women" section on the campaign page, no Democrat nominee will ever hold an anti-choice position or nominate anti-choice judges.

also, I am for Obama, but no way, Rach, can Hillary Clinton be described as Marxist.

[alyssa]

cec, in the 50s my dad went to college with michael dukakis. his dad was a barber, and dukakis had learned to cut hair from him.

none of the town's barbers had ever cut a black person's hair, so they didn't know what to do. dukakis used to set up in the hallway and cut their hair.

as for my hair, the same person has been cutting it for 25 years. she knows curly hair. i won't let anyone else near it unless they know curly hair, otherwise i'm screwed.