Haircuts, Race, And Why I Cringe About The Whole Damn Thing

On Tuesday we took Tori to get her hair cut again. It grows so damn fast! She was beginning to look a bit wild already, and Sunday is Easter (although I haven't been to church in ages--apparently, I accidentally gave up church for lent thanks to various illnesses and my vacation) and she's wearing the cutest dress that I bought right after Christmas thanks to Tori's internet auntie Tanya in Japan, and I just wanted Tori to look cute and springy and adorable. So, off we went.

Instead of driving twenty minutes away I decided to go to the place that is right in the downtown section of my borough. It was close, and I'd forgotten all about it before, and I realized I should support my local businesses and, so, off we went.

It was a DISASTER.

The hairdresser was utterly TERRIFIED of her scissors (she had a large scar on her hand where she's slipped before). Tori is not the greatest kid while getting her haircut, crying at first (although she settled down while I held her) and moving around a lot, so the hairdresser kept jumping away from Tori, both afraid of cutting Tori and cutting herself. Once Tori settled down, she worked hard on her, FOR NEARLY AN HOUR.

The result? Tori has uneven bangs, her hair is super short and a cross between a typical boy cut and a bowl cut, one side is much thicker than the other, and she has a huge chunk missing out of the back of one section because the hairdresser slipped and cut when Tori moved. I'd been hoping for something more like this, and instead got this (sorry these pictures suck, I literally stopped writing to run up and interrupt Tori playing with Sarah's daughter to photograph her):

Now, I realize Tori is going to suffer no trauma from this event (I'm not so sure about me) and her hair grows super fast so it's really not a big deal. But let's discuss the hairdresser for a moment. It sounds like she's totally incompetent, doesn't it? Like she has no right to be running a hair salon at all.

But here's the thing: she's African-American, and so are most of her customers, and guess what? She told me most of them DON'T GET THEIR HAIR CUT with scissors. They use clippers on the boys, and the girls get braids or get styles. So she's actually a great hairdresser (I'm judging this by her three kids who were all there with great hair styles). She's just not the hairdresser for Tori.

But she didn't feel comfortable turning us away as customers. How ironic is that?

I thought about this as I listened to Obama's speech. I'll tell you the truth; I don't think what his pastor said was all that wrong, or untrue, or out of line. But it still makes me squirm. In a weird way, it makes me squirm the same way that Sarah and Charlie's road rage makes me squirm. Other people's anger just  makes me uncomfortable. It is very difficult to just sit and listen to other people's rage and just... take it for what it is, and accept that it isn't directed at us personally.

And that, I think, is what Obama is asking us to do.

It's challenging.

I like that he is challenging us.

But here's what bothers me, too. There is a bit of, well, I don't know what to call it. What if Hillary, in reaction to Ms. Ferraro's comments, decided that SHE needed to have give a "major speech" about race?

Yeah.

Only Mr. Obama is allowed to give such a speech. Because he's not white. I, frankly, would not have been comfortable addressing the fact that the reason Tori's haircut came out so badly was because her hairdresser was inexperienced in cutting white hair, frankly, if I didn't have Obama's speech to build it around. I can frame it all nice and carefully around this whole, "See, I'm not a racist" blog entry this way. But I will confess that I hadn't gone to this kid's haircuttery before because I knew it was primarily for African-Americans until one of the parents at the playground mentioned it to me, and I worried that I was being racist by not choosing to patronize it.

The truth is, as a liberal white, I am so goddamned uncomfortable ever talking about race that I pretend it doesn't exist. My friend Jim, who happens to be black, once told me a joke: "What do you call a black person who can fly a plane?" I paused for a moment, and before I could say anything he said, "A pilot, you racist motherfucker!" and then he laughed and laughed. Of course, Jim is the same guy who corrects you when you say, "I dyed my hair black," he looks askance and says, "African-American!" so I didn't take it too seriously, but still--it's a perfect example of my white liberal guilt--I'm looking for the special, above-and-beyond the norm label when, in fact, a black person flying a plane is really just a pilot like everyone else that flies planes.

I found Obama's speech deeply compelling, like so many of you did (as I read in your blogs). But I'm still leaning toward Hillary at the moment. Here's one reason: when I look at the issues section of Obama's page, I don't find anything about a woman's right to choose. Not even when I hunt through it. Extensively. That REALLY bothers me. He claims to be pro-choice, but why not say so? Obama fans, can you help me here? Hillary has women's rights front and center in her issues list. As you all know, this issue is just a tad important to me. Heh.

But before I divert myself too far from the issue at hand, I think Jon Stewart said it best last night: kudos to Barack Obama for standing up yesterday (in my city!) and talking to us about race--LIKE WE ARE ADULTS. God bless him for that.

I'd love the hear your thoughts. Do tell!

Comments

[PatP]

I don't have a political opinion, but maybe another salon could make sense out of the job the last one did . . .

[Abigail]

Hillary Clinton a Marxist - ha, good one. Needed a laugh today.

Cecily: you're one of the only bloggers I've read who, like me, wasn't HORRIFIED by the pastor's speeches. We white people really are ignorant of the history of black churches, safe in our privilege and scared of black anger. I liked Obama's speech. He's doing something I can't remember another politician ever doing - appealing to our intelligence rather than our fear. I'm leaning towards Clinton, but I'll support either of them.

Thoughtful post. I take my kid to a kiddy hair place, mostly because it is next door to a cupcake place.

[Leta]

Seriously, why aren't black folks allowed to get angry? Why is it so threatening? I don't get it.

And, not to be horrible, but Cecily girl, you've got to just get over your discomfort at talking about race. That's how the man keeps everyone down. (And while it's okay to laugh, I mean that sincerely.)

My cousin, who is white, has two children whose father is black. Her son has hair just like my brother's- curly in a sort of S-shape, like a very tight wave. Her daughter's hair is kinkier, a much tighter curl. My cousin had to consult some neighborhood ladies, get some books, find a knowledgeable Black salon that worked with kids (no easy feat in her area) and generally expand her horizons in order to properly care for her kids' hair. (And that's no mean feat either, since my cousin has this incredible hair fetish- none of her kids have ever had haircuts, and she herself has hair down to her waist.) My point is, I don't think you can fault her or accuse her of racism because she found a Black salon for her kids, or because she doesn't go there to get her hair trimmed. I had a straight haired white friend in high school who put a Dark & Lovely perm in her hair, and she couldn't even get brush through it afterward. That's just dumb. Or go to Oprah's website, and find the story about the time she went bald because she went to a salon, and when she asked if they did black hair, they said they did every color of hair, and then they fried her scalp trying to straighten her hair. I mean, cripe, other than my cousin, I wouldn't go to a white person to get cornrows. I'm rambling, but I guess my point here is that acknowledging differences is not (always) the same as making a value judgement about those differences.

[Monica]

At least when my MIL secretly chopped off all my kid's hair, I didn't have to pay for it.

Did you know hair grows at the rate of .376 mm/day? I do the calculations regularly to see when we will be back in curls at our house. So far 5 weeks and nothing.

I think maybe there's something to that just braiding it thing, though I don't know how you get a kid to sit still for THAT.

[christina]

hair..my husband did that once with our daughter. She ended up with about the same haircut as Tori. Pictures to prove it if you like.

obama/preacher/hilary...done with it all
really. completely tired of the whole thing. move on..isn't there ANYTHING else to talk about??? maybe it's because i'm not voting for any of them (not mcain or obama or clinton or any of them.sitting this one out. gladly.)I'm just sick of hearing the same thing over and over and over.
one last thing about the hair..Tori is so cute it doesn't matter what her hair looks like.

[Amy in BC]

I know that my 'stylist' (ooh, sounds so glam) does not touch curly hair as it is so unpredictable.

Seems Tori's stylist should have stood back and said the same for straight hair!

Yeah, completely non-political post.

[lynnie]

I don't think it's true that Hilary doesn't get to make public speeches about race because she's white, I think she doesn't HAVE to make public speeches about race because she's white. People of color don't get to pretend race doesn't exist and they're pretty much always being asked to explain/defend/speak for their race and issues of racism.

I mean, why can't Hilary do it? What's stopping her? I don't think Obama walked out to make that speech sure in the knowledge that it would be cool with everybody because he's Black. He had to wonder if it would kill his run for the presidency. He could've just distanced himself from his minister. It's what a whole lot of politicians would have done.

I think the stylist should have told you she didn't do your daughter's type of hair, or when it turned out like that she shouldn't have charged you.

[Jenni]

I LOVE that classic cut. And Tori looks really cute, the bit at the back will grow or you could take her somewhere else and get it evened out. And while a neurologist and a psychiatrist are both md's and deal with people's heads you wouldn't want a neurologist to do therapy or a pyschiatrist to do brain surgery. Ironically, my black hairdresser prefers to do 'white' hair and one of the white women there do the 'black' hair.

It's ok to talk about race. I'd prefer it and I must add I am sick and damn tired of white people being scared of an outspoken black person and thinking Obama is going to reincarnate angry Malcolm X for his cabinet! And I am tired of black people assuming whites are always racist. And I am angry at me for thinking that everytime a minority gets pulled over it's because the cops is racist!

Yeah and as for Hillary and women rights. Call me cynical but I think Hillary needs needs needs to woman vote so of course she's going to have that. Whichever way the wind blows I think. I could tell when this story was written she was gearing up for her run : http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/24/politics/25cnd-clinton.html

From Obama's site:
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/womenissues

The thing is Cecily - I believe him. I believe he is sincere and can do it and can lead of team of people to get more done than Hillary could. I want to have hope that things can change for our country. I don't think Hillary can make that happen. I respect her and she is a strong woman - in many ways a role model for our daughter. But as much as I want a woman president, she is not that women. Nancy Pelosi - in a heartbeat.

Oh Dear God and John McCain. Beating the war drum for Iran!

[Susan D.]

Hi Cecily: I too struggled with the issue of who I should vote for in the primary. I was for Edwards, because his position that corporate America is taking the rest of the nation to the cleaners struck home in a major way. I can't choose between Hillary and Barack based on gender or race - ultimately, I've come to see Hillary as a powerfully divisive figure who has no concerns about splitting the Democratic party to win the nomination. That whole bit a couple weeks back where she said there's a threshhold for presidential competency, that John McCain has crossed it, that she thinks probably she has, and that Barack Obama has a speech he gave in 2002? Yeah. That said to me that she was telling listeners, if Barack wins the nomination instead of her, we should all vote for McCain and put another Republican in the White House. Vigorous political debate generally is a good thing, but I'm scared that in the months between now and the Democratic convention, Hillary is going to stop at nothing to shred Obama, making herself look all sour-grapey in the process, while McCain sits back looking increasingly like the golden boy. Which is terrifying, because ultimately it's clear that if we elect another Republican president in November, we can all just kiss everything we love about being American good-bye, and resign ourselves to another 100 years in Iraq, worldwide pariah status, poverty-stricken retirements, badly-educated kids who can't afford college, bursting prison systems, and a lost shot at the American dream. So, not exactly a ringing endorsement for Obama - and boy, do I wish Edwards would endorse someone already! - but just one voice pointing out that Hillary is capable of destructive ruthlessness, in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with her gender.

[alyssa]

susan, i thinking that mccain will not just be "another" republican in the white house. he'll be another bush in the white house.

i'm terrified hillary will get the nomination, because i will have to campaign for her and vote for her and watch her lose against mccain.

i really like obama, and i trust him. maybe that's naive. maybe it's because he's a good speaker. or, maybe it's because i know people who were on law review with him at harvard and even back then though he was a strong and incredible presence. and those classmates are flying all over the country on their own dimes to campaign for him. i think that says a lot about his character.

[Alison]

First, the haircut.... I think it can be salvaged. I love the whole short bangs "Amelie" hairdo. Perhaps little Tori could go in that direction? It's already starting to look that way aside from the crooked bangs!

The Obama speech. You are so right! No one else could have made that speech and certainly not Hillary. Obama is in a unique position with his biracial and international heritage to speak so bluntly. And I did like his speech. I like a lot of them. Doesn't mean that I think he is our best choice to run the country.

Now the silencing about race. I received my Masters degree in Multicultural Education and we spent a lot of time talking about race in this country. Still, there was a silencing. In one of my classes, a black Puerto Rican professor kicked a white student out of class for defending one of her friends as not being racist. She was very mild and respectful in defense of her friend but the message was clear - we were not aloud to talk about race from our own perspective. We could only listen. I see the same thing happening elsewhere, even with my husband, who is Jewish. I listen to and support a lot of what he says regarding antisemitism but the one time I spoke to him about prejudice that I received as a young girl from some members of the Jewish community in my neighborhood - I was silenced and merely told that my experience was nothing compared to what Jews experience everyday. And I know that I have silenced a few of my male friends here and there when discussing women's and men's issues! And I heard it on the news yesterday. A black pundit, in defense and great support of Obama's speech (along with several other white pundits who loved the speech) attacked one of the white pundits who was mildly critical of Obama's speech saying "the last I checked, I've been black longer than you have". The message that we are all giving? If you are outside the minority - shut up. You do not have the right to speak about this shared experience.

And as much as I loved Obama's speech, as much as it spoke to my heart and intelligence, I do not think that it did very much to solve this communication problem. The silencing continues and I think it will take many a brave person to bust it all open.

So I really appreciate this post!

[Rev Dr Mom]

I totally get the white liberal guilt thing. And I agree that some of Wright's remarks were not all that off--although put in an offensive way, but still...

But here's why I think that it's okay that Obama could give this speech and HRC couldn't. He has the credentials (the same way that only HRC has the credentials to talk about women's struggle for full equality-she's lived it)--as he he said, a man from a mixed race background who has seen it from both side. He is in the unique position to GET IT in a way that not many others can, and you're right--he talked to us about it as adults, and he recognized the tensions on all sides of the issue.

Maybe it is just rhetoric, but the more I hear Obama speak, the more inspired I am. And for me, here's the thing on issues: neither candidate is going to have free rein to do whatever they want once elected. Whatever happens is going to take a lot of compromise, and undoing of all the horrors set in place during GWB's 8 years. Obama has a vision, and I think if given the chance, the will and the drive and the charisma to bring people together and forge a new way. I don't think HRC can do that. If she's elected it will be more of the same old same old, no matter what the issue is. And I agree with you on the importance of choice, btw. Sadly, neither candidate is going to be able to do that much about it given Bush's rebuilding of the Supreme Court.

What Obama is going to need, though, is a clear mandate, lots of support behind him to achieve what he wants to do. Neither candidate has that clear mandate now, and that is troublesome.

Bottom line for me (and I know I'm an idealist) is that Obama seems most able to really bring about something new, and I'm behind him all the way.

I have a friend who is campaigning for Obama in your area in a couple of weeks, and he says (in response to a question from me) that Obama is very receptive to hearing what people are most interested in, what they care most about. So write him, ask him your question about choice. Tell him how important it is to you and why. I think we all need to tell our stories more and make sure the candidates hear how things are where we really live, so to speak.

[kate]

I was really hoping that his speech would redeem him a bit in my eyes, but instead, I feel like he is even more dishonest than before.

What I have not yet been able to reconcile is the fact that Obama is asking us to forgive and forget, move on, take it for what it is, etc. However, if the tables were turned, and it came out that Hillary Clinton had spent the last 20 years attending a white centric church (and still was a member of that church), and thought that the pastor was dear enough to her that she called the pastor her mentor and spiritual advisor, if that church taught "white theology", focusing on race issues, and the evils of the black man, if the pastor of that church consistently made remarks about how America was getting it's due for it's acceptance of blacks, and if that pastor gave a lifetime acheivement award to a prominent Klan member a few months ago, then what would we think? Would we think that we should just put it aside and move on?

And I fully and wholly recognize that turning the tables on racism is not valid by definition of the word "racism". However, if the reverse were true, Hillary would be called out as a racist, a bigot, a discriminatory person, and a prejudicial person. In turn, with Obama, the only label that (due to semiotics) can't be applied is racist. So why, exactly, are we expected to just take it? If my pastor (and mentor and spiritual leader) called someone a N-er, would it be excusable to look at the black community at large and say, "Oh, well, don't take it personally! He wasn't talking about YOU, specifically!"? I don't think it would be, and I think sitting through one sermon of racially charged remarks would be too much for me. I don't think I could sit through 20 years of it, and I certainly don't think I would ever become a member of that congregation.

Perhaps race shouldn't matter, but it does. And pretending that discriminatory remarks are okay because the person that said them has dark skin is just ridiculous.

[Anne]

This is in response to kate, above, with the caveat that I am white and am not an expert in US race issues. But here's the thing: You stated that "pretending that discriminatory remarks are okay becaus the person that said them has dark skin is just ridiculous."

I agree with you that a person of any race can be racist or discriminatory (that is, thinking or acting in a way that is selectively beneficial, for no objective reason, for others of their own group at the expense of other groups). However--and this is where it gets sticky--the big problem is that, historically, and still to a large extent today, the racial practices in this country have created a situation in which those of European background have been both overtly and covertly priviledged *specifically* because of their racial status. The same is not true for other groups in the U.S. We started playing "catch up" in the 1960s, but 40-odd years are not, to my mind, enough yet to undo the damage caused by 400+ years of discrimination and oppression.

Those of us who are white in this country have the priviledge of being able to ignore these facts, but the same is not true for other racial and ethnic groups. So although I do not like to hear that part of the reason I have the career, social status, and financial means I do today is because of my race, I think it is important for me to hear it.

I would recommend you read Peggy McIntosh's essay, "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack." (Google it--I'm pretty sure it's on the web). It outlines, in an extremely clear way, the myriad ways in which white Americans do not have to expend energy on issues of race (energy that, I might add, we can then use on other aspects of our lives).

You might also want to Google "sundown towns." It is a very interesting, very hidden piece of American history that sheds a lot of light on why so many towns in this country are nearly all white....

[sarah]

ahhhh you touched on something important. maybe hillary can't give a speech on race,but consider this: at least she doesn't HAVE to. when you're black, it's not an option, not a choice.

as a black person you will never just be a pilot, you will never just be a smart guy from harvard law. it's a burden to carry that follows and (usuallys damns) the poor and prosperous black folk alike.

i don't doubt for a minute that speaking about race has hurt obamas campaign. but he couldn't NOT speak about it either.

welcome to the joy of being black.

[Greta]

I found a section on women's issues in his "Plan for America" - you have to download it - there is a link on the page you linked to.

[Nic]

She shouldn't have cut her hair if she didn't feel comfortable doing it. I hope she didn't make you pay for that.

My stylist can do all kinds of hair and that story she told you is a bunch of crap, she did a bad job.

[Kathleen]

I would be very uncomfortable listening to a male canidate make a major speech about sexism. Why would I feel any better about a white woman talking about racism?

I think the Clinton campaign, if not Clinton herself, is counting on the discomfort whites feel, especially white liberals, about race to carry her to the White House.

I hope it doesn't happen. As a woman, I desperately want to see a woman president but I'm not willing to do it at this price. It's too high. If Obama supporters were saying that Clinton was playing the sexism card herself (ie blaming the victim), I'd bail on them as well.

So far, one canidate has been appealing to my discomfort about race while the other has challenged me to step up to the plate and own my part in it and in moving forward. I don't want my kid stuck in this same damn, destructive race stale mate.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

First, Tori would look cute with a bag over her head. So no worries there. :) However, I agree that with her facial structure (as near as I can tell in photos), she would look great in a pixie cut, which would solve the whole problem.

I'm less admiring than some of the greatness of Oblama's speech on race, seeing that he was backed into having to do it. He didn't wake up and say, glory be, I have to set the record straight on race! No, he was simply trying to salvage his campaign. Not the same thing.

I understand that his pastor feels like a member of his family to him. Fair enough. But if family members are damaging to those we are responsible for (i.e., our children) then sometimes we have to cut them loose, or at least limit our exposure to them. If I had Sen. Obama in front of me, I would ask simply, "Senator, do you really think it was a good idea to expose your young, impressionable children to the Reverend Wright's homilies on why whitey is the devil and how God actually damns America rather than blessing it? Did you take them home after those sermons and explain to them carefully that the dear Reverend is actually rather dotty and therefore you shouldn't pay any attention to his anti-white messages? Or did you, as I suspect, not say a word about it and simply allow those images to fester in your daughters' minds?"

I'm a little ticked. It annoys me when people do things to hurt children. And teaching them that racism is acceptable is hurting them. I think that Obama sat there with his butt in the pew and his ears turned off for 20 years because he himself was pandering to race, because he was trying to be "black enough" and not be labeled an Oreo. That is a sad thing and I feel sorry for him if indeed that's why he did it. But he had no right to visit that on his children.

I'm also ticked at Hillary for setting the example to her daughter Chelsea that you stay with your publicly philandering man, no matter what, no matter how he has humiliated his wife and children, because he is your freakin' political ticket and without him you're just another bitterly divorced political wife. Great example, Hill.

I don't think this is exactly what you asked, is it? I'm sorry, not trying to hijack your thread. But it truly does make me angry when people warp their children's perceptions of the world to serve their own ends. I guess we all do it to some extent. But we should try not to.

for what its worth, great blog. vote your conscience.

[Juanita]

Thank you Dogwatcher and Leighann for your explanation. I had never heard of the "One Drop" rule. I have known several people who could have "passed" as white, yet considered themselves black, so I knew it had to be more than just the appearance factor.

[Star]

Lordy, lordy, lots of comments here on Obama. Seems to me the speech was inspirational to those who already supported him, and gave fodder to those who didn't and wouldn't. Personally, I think the whole Wright thing is a tempest in a teapot. I don't get what's so awful about any of the stuff he said. Granted, it's not particularly constructive to be angry, but it's certainly understandable. The whole idea that you can compare a sometime proponent of black liberation theology to a white supremacist is ridiculous. It never ceases to amaze me that people continue to make this comparison as if it were something other than apples to oranges. Moreover, from what I have read, including Nicholas Kristof's column in yesterday's NY Times which quoted a white member of the congregation disputing the idea that Wright is biased against white people, the sermon and speech that have caused so much controversy were truly isolated incidents and not representative of Wright's ministry. But this is the way it goes. The Republicans, the Hillary supporters, and the media just weren't going to rest until they found some way to vilify him, and now they think they have it. It's just sickening.

[luolin]

First, apologies-I've become someone who comments without reading all the other comments.

I did find Obama's stand on a woman's right to choose on his web page, and I was happy with it, but I had to look very hard, and even had to deal with a dead link in the process. I did hold that against him, but I held it against Hillary that when I went to her web page it featured the latest negative campaigning (as of back then).

[Kris]

There is a great song on the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack called "I Hate Everyone" that I listen to when I am feeling the way you are. It's a great lift and a good laugh. Hope this week is better!

K.

[Yolanda]

Anyone can give a bad haircut- and there is no such thing as "white hair". African American hairtypes run the full gamut and whether this woman could cut hair or not might have been better assessed by previewing her work rather than focusing on the color of her skin.

Obama's speech was a life changing moment for me as a black woman and I will continue to support him regardless of the outcome of November. I live in a space and time I never thought possible.

As far as your discomfort with racism unfortunately we live in a country where it is ingrained so deeply into the psyche of every aspect of life its impossible to avoid. I now choose forgiveness as my key tool- forgiveness for the wrongs I've struggled against, forgiveness for the ignorant guilty cries of reverse racism, as well as forgiving myself for my own anger. The old Hipmama faq was the first time in my life to read of white women who seemed to try to confront and work through anti-racism, still a good read and starting point: http://community.livejournal.com/debunkingwhite/339225.html