I Hate Everything

It's been one of those weeks.

I should never have blogged about Obama during this week. I feel totally beaten up by the comments, and that's not fair, because they've been completely reasonable. But it's clear that people are very passionate about this election, and whenever people are passionate, well--emotions ride high.

And this is not a good week for me.

I, first of all, have killer PMS. I'm not sure why it's so bad. I mean, it's always a thrilling fun adventure with roses and lollipops, but this particular month it's roses with giant thorns and lollipops with razorblades inside. I could KILL EVERYONE. No, seriously. No. Seriously.

NO. SERIOUSLY.

I'm not coping with it well. The other day? When we were having Tori's hair cutting adventure? Charlie started choking on a donut. When he came to me, gasping and trying to catch a breath, gesturing for me to whack him on the back or do the Heimlich maneuver, what did I do? I rolled my eyes, gazed at him in disgust and said, "What, you didn't buy yourself a water?"

No, really. I did that. The epitome of loving kindness, that's me.

Tori is having a, shall we say, clingy phase. It's all MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY all the time. As in, if I go to the kitchen she cries. If I go pee, she cries. If I go to the car, she cries. If I put my shoes on because my feet are cold she anticipates me going somewhere and cries. Seriously, if my uterus had a door and I could pop her back in at this point MY LIFE WOULD BE EASIER.

I love her--I really do--but the whole toddler-clinging-to-the-legs thing is a lot less appealing in reality than it seemed during all those infertility treatments.

Which brings me to my next point, about how I AM A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO HAS NO GRATITUDE. Oh, I know. I spend a great deal of time thinking about that all day, especially when I am peeling Tori's hands off my thighs so I can get my jeans down far enough to take a piss. I think about all the blogs out there of women still trying to get to this point, and I consider finding an anvil and dropping it on my own head in their honor.

But the problem is that I'm just so damn tired. And hormonal. And just beaten right now.

Why? Well, here's one reason. I just got a letter in the mail from my insurance saying that my visit to the Emergency Room in January (remember the three-week migraine? Yeah, that visit) isn't going to be covered because it was for a "pre-existing condition." Which means that NONE of the migraine treatment I've been receiving, from my new specialist, or the medications that I've gotten, or any of that stuff--NONE OF IT WILL BE COVERED (hey, if you have any experience in fighting that sort of thing, let me know! *sob*). It's bad enough that I pay $350 a month for insurance that barely pays for 50% of the medications I need as it is--now they'll pay none? Really?

I don't know what to do.

This is why I hate PMS. It has the amazing ability to make me feel like I have ALWAYS been slogging uphill, that it has ALWAYS been awful, that my life has ALWAYS been terrible. IT IS SO NOT TRUE. As they say in recovery, FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS (picture me in the corner eating chocolate and muttering *feelings aren't facts. feelings aren't facts. feelings aren't facts*. Yeah, that's my life right now).

Eventually, Tori will grow tired of me and only love Daddy (PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD). My period will come, and in fact, may only come a few times a year soon, as my headache specialist thinks that perhaps one of those getchyer-period-only-four-times-a-year pills might just cure me of my migraines completely (since my cycle is so tied to them).

And best of all, Charlie and I made an offer on a tiny little trailer in the mountains (it was very, very, very cheap, and as such won't cost much more than camping--but the critical detail is that it is NOT camping, which we have come to accept as not being a reality for us until Tori is older) and the offer was accepted. Which we are very happy about. Oh, and I took Tori to my hairdresser in the city and she fixed her up, and Tori is now the proud owner of an adorable pixie cut (pictures forthcoming, I assure you).

There are good things in my life, and my PMS is LYING TO ME. Bitch.

But... please tell me that this phase with Tori will end soon. Right? RIGHT?

Comments

[kate]

Aw, man. I'm sorry to have added fuel to the Obama fire. I feel terrible.
And as far as the parenting after IF thing goes, just because you dealt with infertility does not mean that you are immune to the stresses of parenting. You have the right to have those kinds of feelings and not lose your IF street-cred. And as an IF person who is still in the trenches, I certainly do not think you should drop an anvil on your head because you want Tori to cling to someone else. Please don't drop an anvil on your head. It is irrational to think that you will never ever feel exasperated with your child solely because it took you more to have her, you know?

At least that's what I think. If I were the pope of infertility, I would grant you absolution, you know?

[kate]

Apparently I'm digging on the phrase "you know" today. Sorry about that. Irritating, really.

[Jenni]

Oh God poor you - I know exactly what you're going through (minus the migraines).

OK the insurance thing. Correct me if I am wrong. You had COBRA from your old job but then switched to this insurance correct? You need to find out if the pre-exisiting condition clause is regarless of previous coverage.

I do HR and benefits at work and all the insurance we've had that has not covered pre-existing conditions WILL cover them if you have coverage for the previous year without a lapse in coverage. So I would call your insurance company and ask them what the rule about pre-existing conditions are.

I HATE the place where you are right now, I hope you get out of it soon. My only suggestion is distraction. Put on your tennis shoes and head out walking. Walk until your main care becomes to with the walking and nothing else. Then start walking home.

Oh and I feel guilty for getting mad at my husband and wee man all the time too and beat myself up for being ungrateful.

And if it makes you feel better, my little boy is exactly the same way except with my husband. Talk about feeling like a piece of shit when baby couldn't give a crap where I am but cries if the husband tries to go to the other room!

[Pamala]

Kaylee is going through that clingy phase as well, it must be the age. I have wicked PMS or had at least, until I stopped BC and this month my period managed to sneak up on me, no PMS. Odd.
I should follow your comments more often, apparently they're interesting! LOL!

[Jan]

I have some experience fighting with insurance companies over what is/is not going to be covered. I'm not sure how much help I could be, but I'd be glad to try ...

Migraines suck ass.

[Val]

Yep - bad PMS. Just keep looking for the good things. That's what I have to do. I get PMS in the form of - can't stop eating (oww the cravings) and the over-the-top emotions that keep getting me into trouble at my JOB. Also I either have PMS or my period two weeks out of three (yep -my cycle is the 21 day)so I only get a break one week out of three.

Definitely fight the insurance co if you had coverage with your former employer and no lapse in coverage. There are laws in most states that force insurers to cover pre-existing conditions that were covered on prior health ins. plans. You were definitely brave to launch into self-employment-ville. Something I'm too scared to do. I know several people that got jobs with employers over the whole ordeal on health insurance.

[The Aitch]

Yeah it will change, but then it will be that she wont have anything to do with you. I don't know which is worse.

[Lisa]

Ugh I am totally with you! Didn't read the comments on the Obama post -- but I don't remember you saying anything offensive? Anyway -- I am having PMS right now too and I really become another person when I have it -- a needy, suspicious, angry, standoffish, accusatory, depressed, low energy basketcase. On top of our major financial issues and my horrible sinus headaches the past couple of days, I understand completely.

I like the "feelings aren't facts." I've never heard that before, but I'm going to use that in the future when I'm trying to convince myself my life is horrible.

[CTG]

I dream of the day when I will be able to pee alone. Nobody in there with me. Nobody knocking on the door to see if I've gone in there, or when I'm coming out (although my default answer lately has been 'NEVER I LIVE IN HERE NOW' so uh yeah...I'm mature).

The clingy phase will pass and on to some other phase she'll go. Actually it will happen as SOON as you've figured out the clingy phase. You are a wonderful mother, Tori is a wonderful little girl...but that doesn't mean she won't drive you nanners!

I hope you feel better soon and that you get the insurance stuff figured out. I've never quite figured out health insurance...and uh...I'm an insurance lawyer (clearly not health insurance!) I'd be happy to look at anything you want me to about it or ask at the office though.

[Abigail]

It will end. Last night I was putting my son to bed and he put his hands on my chest and pushed and said "Go away I want Dada." Dada who has the flu, so sorry kid you're stuck with me at the moment. "This too shall pass" is really, really true.

What I really love most about your writing is that you really own your shit. You can simultaneously bitch and let us know that you know how grateful you are. Quite a feat. Bitch away, babe.

The healthcare situation in this country makes me so enraged I can barely think straight. It is so limiting, to so many people. Can't leave a job, can't move, can't freelance, can't work part-time to take care of a kid. How is this good for capitalism again? Isn't the free market supposed to liberate us, not shackle us?

[Rosemary Grace]

WHAT? I wish I could bitchslap insurance companies for that "pre-existing" crap. It's EVEN MORE important for people with health problems to be insured and COVERED, because that's how we stop illnesses from being a drain on the economy. Shish. The insurance crap makes my blood boil. Especially since I'm now studying public health and learning even more about it. GRRRRR.

Some day, I will help fix it, in the meantime, you need some good Mexican Chocolate, with cinnamon and chilli's in it.

Yay trailer!

[AdirondackJen]

{clingy toddler}
Ug, remembering the days. What helped most was words. The clingyness was a physical communication in place of words. USE YOUR WORDS, I think I must've said it a million times. Down on my knees, face to face, USE YOUR WORDS, pause, pause pause. And I'd ask a ton of questions, for if I could just get a freakin' NOD OF THE HEAD, anything! Just to know what the hellz they wanted!?!?!

Feeling your pain. So hard to keep a calm, neutral face/voice...but I had nightmares of whining at 3,4,6,12. I was never militant about it, but I didn't see any other way except kindly forcing them to verbalize what-the-hell-ever the whining meant. She may not be speaking all that much yet, but it might be a start anyway.. Best of luck, girlfriend!! :)

[Chickenpig]

Don't drop an anvil on your head, please, because then I would have to do it too...again and again and again and again. Right now I can't even take a crap...within eyesight mind, you, (if my son could bother to walk over and look) without him screaming bloody murder. I don't know what it is, but N just wants Mommy, Daddy just won't cut it. I can't even take a much needed afternoon nap because all I can hear throughout the house is N screaming, probably because my husband tried to *gasp* feed him dinner, or looked at him cross eyed, or whatever. I've just had it...I think the 5 month pregnancy hormones are strikingly similar to PMS. I think if my husband started choking in front of me I'd probably say "Great..that figures, some fine help you are", even though he works his tail off.

We had our insurance company refuse us coverage because they were in the process of changing their policy, even though the changes didn't come into effect until 2008. We had to fax them crap, and fight, and fight. Eventually we were given the name of the insurance comptroller (head honcho) to make a grievance. For whatever reason, our insurance co. smartened up before we had to resort to extreme measures. You can beat an insurance co. by going over their head. There is probably a head insurance person, or group, in your state. We were given the name and phone by our doc's great finance staff, but I'm sure you can find the name(s) of someone in that capacity by looking on the internet or phone book.

[RainbowW]

Her kids are older than mine, but there is a story whose kids I grew up with that circulates occasionally in my community. When they turned old enough to go to school, someone at "ladies' lunch" asked if she was sad to the them go.

"no," she said. "now i can finally take a crap by myself."

as for insurance, dunno what to tell you. my family is five of the 47 million.

[Carla Hinkle]

Oh geez. I shouldn't have been all high and mighty on you yesterday. Especially with a topic involving your boys. (Hits forehead while saying "Doh!") Crapster on me.

Hope you feel better.

[jenn]

Just remember - feelings may not be facts, but that doesn't make the fact that you're experiencing them invalid. Nothing infuriates me more than my husband gazing at my ranting/weeping/hormonal persona and saying knowingly, "Ah, PMS." Like knowing what is causing the feelings makes them go away...uh, NO! I still feel simultaneously shredded, pissed, and catastrophically depressed.

Tori's phase WILL end. I can't promise you soon, but the day will come when you'll have the dawning realization that she's not clinging ... and you might even think wistfully of when she did, although you probably think I'm batshit crazy to even suggest that now. I could have jumped through the phone line and choked my mother when she suggested that I'd ever find the humor in my potty-training toddler hiding from me so she could poop in her underwear. (And believe me, it took YEARS to find even a shred of humor there).

I love that you share so honestly with us your feelings and conflictions. You're a brave writer and a fantastic mother. Don't ever forget it.

[mellie]

"There are good things in my life, and my PMS is LYING TO ME. Bitch."

Damn straight.

I don't know about the clingy thing, and I won't even joke about it right now. I can't imagine being as desperately needy as a 2 year old can be, and it doesn't look like much fun either, come to think of it.

Sending thoughts encouraging relief your way!

[BookMama]

You know, I don't know how you handle all the nasty comments you must get, talking about such divisive topics as you do. (Good for you for talking about them, though!) I got three nasty, name-calling comments on my blog today and it nearly did me in. Of course, this was on top of a highly emotional, stressful, 12-hour work day (incredibly unusual for me) but maybe I need to develop a thicker skin.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I WANT it to not bother me when someone calls me nasty names ...

Just out of curiosity, do reply to comments like that? I don't mean people who respectfully disagree with you, but people who are just disrespectful and offensive?

[Corrie]

Hi, I have PMS too and it's making me want to kill someone. Hormones.

I haven't commented in a long time. I think I commented a long time ago, I once saw you going into work, before you had Tori but was too scared to say, "Hey. I know you!", because I didn't want to seem like a stalker even though I had two kids in tow, because would a stalker have two kids in tow?

Anyway, I just wanted to say you kick ass, and would never hate on you because of politics, that is so not cool. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. That is what makes our world go round. The internet must have a uterus and PMS.

DAMN YOU PMS. My PMS is making me not eat, so I have one reason to totally love PMS at the moment.

My PMS has also made me the most ungreatful wife and mother ever. I am so glad there is someone else out there that said it, because I was feeling like the most shit-ass mother out there. Thank you. I also gave my son the worst haircut ever thanks to PMS.

[Julia]

I can't respond because I've co-opted your phrase and am now sitting in my own corner.

"Feeling are not facts..."

[Kez]

I had the opposite. My son went through a stage of wanting to be with Daddy all the time. This meant when Daddy went to work, went to play sport, went to training, went to the shops, went to get something out of the car, went to take a nap, went to take a crap, etc., I was left with an inconsolable screaming toddler. That was damn hard too. It ruined a week long holiday for us because I spent my entire time stopping the kid from climbing stairs/trying to run out the gate/listening to "DAAADDDDDDYYYYYY!!!!" when Daddy disappeared for a moment.

It lasted, at most, a month. Now he is equally happy with either of us. He was Tori's age (corrected) when he went through this stage. So hopefully Tori will settle soon too.

Can't help you on the PMS, sorry.

[carmen]

Cecily, I know it won't be any consolation to you, but today, while I was in the bathroom, my almost 16 year old came and banged on the door. "Mom? What are you doing? Can I talk to you? She (younger sister) is driving me crazy!"

Apparently, I'm only approachable whilst on the toilet. I feel your pain.

[Clover]

What others said about COBRA and unlapsed coverage. If so, you have a strong case for no pre-existing conditions. Also, check out Health C@re for @ll (I forget the website, but google them). They may be able to help you. If this doesn't get you anywhere, call or email and I'll see what else I can come up with.

[Amy]

The clingy stage does end. Someday she will be 10 or 15 and you will be wondering WHY oh WHY don't they hang off of me anymore?! Sniff.. And then you will cackle and realize she GREW OUT of NEEDING ME ALL the time!! Baaa Haa! But really, it is a short stage if I recall.

I hear you on the PMS. I take anti-depressants and still feel the effects, albeit not so bad.

The choking thing? Well that just made me laugh! (Sorry Charlie, you seem like a great guy with a fantastic voice and awesome eyes but the way she wrote it, hilarious.)

[Kathleen]

You poor thing. I've only recently developed bad PMS (I'm 38) and I apologize to every woman I was not sympathetic enough too. It can make you feel CRAZY. And as if you will never, ever get unstuck. The upside is that it is lying.

So for now, do whatever helps you feel the most sane until the sanity fairy comes back to your house. Turn off your inner critic and just do it.

Yes, this phase will pass with Tori. Again, sanity is the goal. Sometimes that means lowering expectations. Lowering them way, way, way down. It can mean telling yourself, as if it's perfectly reasonable, "Whenever I'm out of her sight, she cries." Because that hope that she will not can suck out your will to live. Then, someday soon when she doesn't cry, it will be a lovely surprise. There's a lot of denial and pretending involved in this tactic but, again, if it keeps the sanity within sight, why not?

Not today, not tommorrow, but when you feel up to handling it, I have found the key to a health insurance plan whose first answer is usually "no" is being the very polite, very persistant squeaky wheel. Get the name of everyone you talk to, have them send emails or faxes, keep the dates.

Hang in there. It will get better! And congrats on your tiny trailer! That is really exciting! Now go hug Hammer.