I Hate Everything

It's been one of those weeks.

I should never have blogged about Obama during this week. I feel totally beaten up by the comments, and that's not fair, because they've been completely reasonable. But it's clear that people are very passionate about this election, and whenever people are passionate, well--emotions ride high.

And this is not a good week for me.

I, first of all, have killer PMS. I'm not sure why it's so bad. I mean, it's always a thrilling fun adventure with roses and lollipops, but this particular month it's roses with giant thorns and lollipops with razorblades inside. I could KILL EVERYONE. No, seriously. No. Seriously.

NO. SERIOUSLY.

I'm not coping with it well. The other day? When we were having Tori's hair cutting adventure? Charlie started choking on a donut. When he came to me, gasping and trying to catch a breath, gesturing for me to whack him on the back or do the Heimlich maneuver, what did I do? I rolled my eyes, gazed at him in disgust and said, "What, you didn't buy yourself a water?"

No, really. I did that. The epitome of loving kindness, that's me.

Tori is having a, shall we say, clingy phase. It's all MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY all the time. As in, if I go to the kitchen she cries. If I go pee, she cries. If I go to the car, she cries. If I put my shoes on because my feet are cold she anticipates me going somewhere and cries. Seriously, if my uterus had a door and I could pop her back in at this point MY LIFE WOULD BE EASIER.

I love her--I really do--but the whole toddler-clinging-to-the-legs thing is a lot less appealing in reality than it seemed during all those infertility treatments.

Which brings me to my next point, about how I AM A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO HAS NO GRATITUDE. Oh, I know. I spend a great deal of time thinking about that all day, especially when I am peeling Tori's hands off my thighs so I can get my jeans down far enough to take a piss. I think about all the blogs out there of women still trying to get to this point, and I consider finding an anvil and dropping it on my own head in their honor.

But the problem is that I'm just so damn tired. And hormonal. And just beaten right now.

Why? Well, here's one reason. I just got a letter in the mail from my insurance saying that my visit to the Emergency Room in January (remember the three-week migraine? Yeah, that visit) isn't going to be covered because it was for a "pre-existing condition." Which means that NONE of the migraine treatment I've been receiving, from my new specialist, or the medications that I've gotten, or any of that stuff--NONE OF IT WILL BE COVERED (hey, if you have any experience in fighting that sort of thing, let me know! *sob*). It's bad enough that I pay $350 a month for insurance that barely pays for 50% of the medications I need as it is--now they'll pay none? Really?

I don't know what to do.

This is why I hate PMS. It has the amazing ability to make me feel like I have ALWAYS been slogging uphill, that it has ALWAYS been awful, that my life has ALWAYS been terrible. IT IS SO NOT TRUE. As they say in recovery, FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS (picture me in the corner eating chocolate and muttering *feelings aren't facts. feelings aren't facts. feelings aren't facts*. Yeah, that's my life right now).

Eventually, Tori will grow tired of me and only love Daddy (PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD). My period will come, and in fact, may only come a few times a year soon, as my headache specialist thinks that perhaps one of those getchyer-period-only-four-times-a-year pills might just cure me of my migraines completely (since my cycle is so tied to them).

And best of all, Charlie and I made an offer on a tiny little trailer in the mountains (it was very, very, very cheap, and as such won't cost much more than camping--but the critical detail is that it is NOT camping, which we have come to accept as not being a reality for us until Tori is older) and the offer was accepted. Which we are very happy about. Oh, and I took Tori to my hairdresser in the city and she fixed her up, and Tori is now the proud owner of an adorable pixie cut (pictures forthcoming, I assure you).

There are good things in my life, and my PMS is LYING TO ME. Bitch.

But... please tell me that this phase with Tori will end soon. Right? RIGHT?

Comments

[Nicole]

I have a friend who was dating a guy at one point who always blamed hormones whenever she got mad or upset (legitimate or not). She finally yelled at him one day, "I'm three weeks away from my period and you're STILL an asshole!"

They quit seeing each other shortly after that.

Shortly, you will feel better. Its okay to feel how you feel even if "feelings are not facts". You're allowed to feel frustrated and upset sometimes.

I recommend a spa day.

Oh and come move to Canada - we'll take you, your family and your migraines and treat you (after you've been living here for three months - at least in my province; it may be different than others) :)

Personally, I think the US medical care system is fucked seven ways from Sunday. It breaks my heart that in a country as wealthy as my southern neighbours, compassion can't be found for those who simply can't afford exorbitant rates for mediocre or less-than-mediocre coverage.

[alley]

YUP! I get that sort of PMS. Only I'm so irregular that it usally blindsides me and I realize (usually mid rant) that I am screaming at people over nothing.

If it makes you feel any better. I can say that toddlers to get less clingy and you are not a bad mom for not enjoying every minute of the cling.

I hope tomarrow is better for all of you.

[Melissa in TN]

I am so sorry about the clingy stuff and the migraine/PMS/sucky insurance thing. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am sympathetic. Hang in there.

I am looking forward to seeing Tori's cute pixie hair.

Congratulations on the camping place.

[Amy]

I hope that things get better! Insurance companies are downright evil.

On the upside, that birth control with 4 periods a year is AMAZING. (I get it generic, so I pay $10 every 3 months...much cheaper than my old pill, not to mention saving on tampons and pads) I have less PMS, I'm more balanced (after the first few weeks of hormones) and my period lasts maybe 4 days, sometimes 5. Less migraines = bliss!

[Melissa P.]

Yes. Tori will soon become independent and not need mommy so much or perhaps need Daddy.
This occur alot when the child is not feeling secure, perhaps the vacation, not
having her usual structured day will do it.
Also, with you both home all day she will grow accostume to this, being with you and
it may be hard for her to separate from you.

But, the day will come when it all stops.
My sons are 12 and 13 and I still get hugs and kisses but I know this will end soon.
How I will miss it.
I so wish my boys were Tori's age again.
It goes so quickly, more quickly than you can imagine, Cecily.
I wish mine were toddlers again.
But, yes it is okay to be feeling that way especially with PMS.
I hope you are feeling better soon!
Have a couple drinks for me!!!

[JK]

I'm with you. I'm tired and feeling BLAH about everything and I have NO REASON to feel this way. I don't even think I am PMSing right now. I'm just TIRED. And I don't see anyway that the whole world won't always be exhausting. I'm tired.

xoxo.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

OMG ... wish I'd read this post first. Hope I haven't added to your Obama headache with my slightly cranky remarks. My two little guys have gone through that clingy thing too, except that it lasts about half an hour at a time, not days on end. If you are not banging your head on the wall, I think you are doing pretty good!

My only suggestion with the insurance thing is to call the company(ies) that makes your migraine medications. They are always advertising that they have these "compassionate relief" programs or whateverthehell they call 'em -- well, let them aim some of that compassion your way. Worth a try, at least. Call on a day when the old PMS is really going strong, and cry at them. (I'm joking a little, but not really. I have cried at medical personnel a time or two over the phone, not because I planned it but just because I was so desperate, and it got amazing results. Worth a try if you can let the tears flow on cue.)

Oh dear. Hope things get better soon. ((Hugs!)) to one of my favorite bloggers!!!!

[Jo-Ann]

dude! A trailer now that is MEGA cool. Wow. A vacation house Heeeeeeeee.

Also I understand about Tori and the Mom thing. I have been feeling totally ungrateful about wanting to send R to Siberia. The mothership is coming to pick Miera and I up. We will swing my your place.

[Sarah]

Oh yeah, I know that lying bitch!

I get the migraines every month and for a whole week I don't even know why I deserve to exist. It is so awful.

Nearly as awful as certain stages of toddlerhood certainly must make teenaged hormonal angst look like a holiday. It will pass, honestly! It's just difficult to look forward sometimes, especially with the stupid hormones and what have you.

I'm looking forward to seeing Tori's haircut. I'm sure she looks adorable.

[leslie]

I hate insurance bullshit. They turn you down on first request on the assumption that some number of people will just pay at that point so to get what you've paid for you have to fight.

Years ago my insurance didn't want to pay for the assistant surgeon for my emergency ectopic pregnancy surgery. My surgeon wrote them a blistering letter including the point that there were 3 operative ports going and he had only 2 hands. He then called me and told me that the magic words were to call the insurance company and threaten to report them to the state's insurance ombudsman or commissioner for acting in bad faith. I didn't need to call though - his letter did the trick. Given the laws about coverage and pre-existing conditions you should be able to lean on them. assholes.

About not loving the clingy - my mother used to say to me that kids do something until it drives you totally around the bend and when you absolutely can't stand it for another moment they find something even more annoying. Sadly I think she has a point. (and my teens don't ignore me in the bathroom either - no escape!)

good luck with the battles - it's a rich mixture of hormones, headaches, toddlers and shithead insurance companies. sigh

[melissa]

Hi. I'm sorry things are going so poorly for you right now. I just wanted to mention something when I read about your four periods a year thing.

1) I used to get terrible stomach pain as my only symptom of PMS. But, it was so painful that i was usually out of commission a whole week. This pill? Stopped it ALL. I don't even get the pain any of those four times a year. So worth it.

2) Two downsides: 1) With good insurance, it costs me 150/pack (600/year). 2) I have gained about 30 lbs since i was on it. No matter what i do, i can't lose that weight.

Good luck! feel better.

[Susie]

Ugh. I'm sorry. There's not much more to say than that.

Oh -- except this. It DOES get easier. There WILL be a day when you can pee in peace. You may even get to read a magazine in there if that's your thing. :-)

[Laura]

Sorry if I am repeating - don't have time to read all the comments. I had the same insurance problem so I contacted them and they said that I needed my HIPAA (sp?) form to prove continuous coverage for the 18 months prior to my joining their plan. Once I got that to them, they reconsidered my 6 outstanding claims - and paid them correctly. Hope that helps.

[Julie]

You can appeal the decision and fight them on it. It won't cost you anything and many times they will overturn their decision.

Sorry about Tori - Dylan comes and goes with that.

[Catherine]

Uh, is Charlie still with us? You DID Heimlich him after the eyerolling, right? ;)

PMS fucking blows.

Sorry about your insurance. It's not my area of expertise, but I can always ask my billing department if the other people who've offered can't help you.

YAY on the mobile home!

[Stephanie]

YES, this WILL pass, Tori is totally at the CLINGY age....and eventually here she'll be saying "no mommy I do it myownself!" LOL! and she'll be running away from you and hiding, all the while giggling.
LOL!
Then you can bitch about THAT!!!
haha!
Each stage has it's challenges for sure!!!!

I didn't even read your political entry on obama, I just refuse to get all riled up over it all. I know who I'm voting for and why, and that's all. I just don't feel the need to spend my emotional energy on POLITICS. I'd much rather talk kids with you! LOL!!!

And ugh ugh ugh on the damn insurance companies......those bitches! WHY pay for insurance if they aren't gonna pay for jackshit??? geeZ. how annoying!

that said, have a happy easter weekend!! LOL!

[Marsha]

Sorry, no time to read all comments, but I thought of this when I read another post from you recently. Did anyone mention that stopping nursing can throw your hormonal balance all out of complete whack and mostly in direction of depression? So pile on PMS and boy oh boy, it can be bad. I'm no expert, check out some nursing sites, but I think it takes a little time for the hormonal balance to readjust.
I know that I'm nursing my 18mo-old less these days (very gentle partial nightweaning and stopped pumping when away from her for work etc), and my periods have become more frequent, cramps worse, and pms worse. It's all related.

[Celeste]

Clingy gets better with increasing verbal skills. I bet Tori is due for a breakthrough. They're always difficult to handle right before they take the next leap.

Have you looked into the Mirena IUD? It's progesterone only and after the first few months on it, you only spot, don't even really bleed. It's helped me a lot with the PMSing, and I once went on head meds for it because it was so suckish. Yeah you have to pay some out of pocket on it to the tune of maybe $150, but it's good for 5 years and might be some cost savings on top of the bennies. I don't get migraines so I don't know if it is one that can't be used in that case, but the answer must surely be available.

Hormonal lows are the price of our hormonal highs when we love everyone and the world is so great. As tempting as it sounds to be a man and be on an even keel pretty much all the time...the highs are really something.

[Celeste]

Clingy gets better with increasing verbal skills. I bet Tori is due for a breakthrough. They're always difficult to handle right before they take the next leap.

Have you looked into the Mirena IUD? It's progesterone only and after the first few months on it, you only spot, don't even really bleed. It's helped me a lot with the PMSing, and I once went on head meds for it because it was so suckish. Yeah you have to pay some out of pocket on it to the tune of maybe $150, but it's good for 5 years and might be some cost savings on top of the bennies. I don't get migraines so I don't know if it is one that can't be used in that case, but the answer must surely be available.

Hormonal lows are the price of our hormonal highs when we love everyone and the world is so great. As tempting as it sounds to be a man and be on an even keel pretty much all the time...the highs are really something.

[Celeste]

I looked at the Mirena site and it sounds like it might not be compatible with migraines. Kind of a pricey gamble in your situation. Sorry for typing faster than I think.

[Spacemom]

Sending some love, cuz it sounds like you need it...

I know the clingy stage ends, but right now I am ready to strange my 3.5 year old, so I might not be the best person to assure you of this... :)

[Leta]

Oh, sweet mother of God, health insurance. What a disaster it is. I did my thesis on the American health insurance crisis, and you know what conclusion I came to? Health care is CRIPPLING American capitalism. All of our economic problems can, in one way or another, be tied to healthcare. All of them.

Healthcare has become my new political litmus test. I won't vote for a dog catcher who isn't in support of some type of government health care. I am in favor of single payer, but at this point, I'll take what I can get.

(Actually, the system that I came up with was to expand Medicare to everybody, scrap the bullshit part D rx "coverage", and leave Medicaid in place for the time being, covering very low-income seniors and children. It's not a perfect plan, but it's a damn good start and fairly easy to implement, especially initially. But nobody wants to hire me as a policy consultant. Boo hoo.)

That's what makes me sick about the Republicans in this election cycle: What? Healthcare? Oh, the current system's fine. We don't have a plan, no, but we don't NEED a plan- I mean, you can go to an emergency room, right?

Cecily, I would do things in the following order:

1) Figure out what your treatment plan is, and search teh Intrawebz for the drugs on the cheap, likely through a Canadian website.

2) Play along with your insurance carrier- this may mean your dr.s writing letters, getting a HIPPA "continuous coverage" form, talking to your state ombudsman/comptroller-- but even in doing all this, you need to start looking for a lawyer. Sometimes, you can pay a lawyer $150 or so to write a letter. Lawyers are the only people on planet Earth who insurance companies fear.

3) Start trying to develop a plan B. You may well end up dropping or being dropped by your insurance company, so you may need to make travel plans. Since you're in Philly, you'll probably need to go to Canada to seek treatment, and while you would still have to pay for your services and your travel expenses, Canadian health care is still usually much cheaper for Americans. (My family is from Detroit, a cousin is married to a Canadian, and lots of relatives have crossed the border to see a doctor.) But if you're in the mood for a really big trip, go to France. It is highly unlikely that you would have to pay a dime for any medical care you received there, even as a tourist.

I was an exchange student in France my sophmore year, and even though the US arm of the agency made us buy insurance, my French host family thought that was ridiculous, because people in France (not just French people in France) are covered no matter what. Ah, the French. They have 50% tax rate, but the government does everything but wipe their ass for them. It's actually pretty awesome.

[Kim]

Just a thought but have you had your hormone levels checked lately? You could be going into the pre or peri menopause phase (which starts many years before menopause as it is a gradual process) with possibly low estrogen and progesterone levels or some other combination. Apparently getting more PMS can be a sign. If it is the case then maybe you could adjust your diet to regulate the hormones better and take some supplements such as progesterone cream in the progesterone phase of your cycle which may help or agnus castus pills which are natural and help to balance hormones.
As for the clingy phase - I am sure it is a phase of development, new awareness etc. Our little guy was a little clingy but not for long. Otherwise I guess you have to look at what is happening in her life and what may contribute toward it - for example, how is it going at her daycare etc or how does she like going there. Parenting is a mixture of feelings with guilt being one of them. Try not to dwell on it (easier said than done) we all know how grateful you are for her but also how much we all need a break sometimes.

[Tiffany]

I am sorry about the PMS - I hope you get your period my the time you read this comment!

Tori's stage will end - it might helpif Charlie makes a big effort to really play alot with Tori. Mikayla went through the mommy and mommy only stage. One of Joe's New Year's Resolutions was to play with her a lot more, be more patient with her and ignore her behavior when she is all about mommy and won't even say good morning to him. Now, Mikayla is more than happy to go play with daddy. It is funny because now if I tell her no and she gets upset at being told no she goes and asks daddy!

[Kim M]

Just don't go to the doctor for your PMS. That's probably a pre-existing condition too, IMHO at your age there was probably at least ONE other time in your life you've had it.

BTW, I take Yasmin BCP and skip the placebo week. So, I don't get any periods/hormonal fluctions--forget the 4 periods per year!!