Speaking to the Candidates About Choice On the Four Year Anniversary Of This Blog

Apparently, some folks who read this blog know some folks who know some folks and swear they can get this blog entry read by at least Obama, but I figured, why limit myself to just writing to Obama? I'm speaking to everyone who is running for President, including Ms. Clinton, and Mr. McCain (ok, maybe not Mr. Nader).

Why have I been appointed as someone to discuss the issue of choice? Because I'm the Internet Poster Girl For Partial Birth Abortion, that's why. It's not a title I'm proud of, but it's one I was saddled with a few years ago.

I'm not going to get into the whole story here. If you really want to read all about the harrowing details they start here. But you are all too busy running for president, so I'll give you the short version. In April of 2004 I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twin boys after undergoing in vitro treatment for male factor infertility (thanks to drugs my husband's mother took--DES, we suspect--while she was pregnant with him). We were on top of the world, although the pregnancy was difficult.

But a routine ultrasound on October 26--meant to be a time of great joy (my best friend came with us to the appointment--revealed terrible news: one of the twins had died, probably about a week before. We went from the ultrasound appointment to my obstetrician's office and were met with even more grim news. My weight had spiked up about 18 pounds, my blood pressure was soaring, and I had protein in my urine.

It turned out that I was in full-blown preeclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital immediately.

After that, everything happened very quickly. I was put on medication (magnesium sulfate) in an attempt to treat the preeclampsia and save the remaining twin until he reached outside-the-womb viability--a mere two weeks away (I was just over 22 weeks pregnant). But I got much worse overnight; my blood pressure couldn't be controlled, I had a massive headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. My kidneys shut down. I was moments away from seizures, coma, and death when the doctors came and told us the bad news: my remaining twin could not be saved. My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die.

You might, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, be able to imagine what it felt like to be my husband--to imagine being terrified of losing your children and your wife in one fell swoop. Ms. Clinton, you might be able to imagine lying in the hospital, so sick you barely feel any of what is happening, only knowing that the long-fought-for children you so desperately wanted are now both going to be dead.

Here's the part of the story where choice comes in. I could, of course, have gone through induced labor and delivered my tiny twins. But my blood pressure was hovering around 165/120 (often going higher), even with treatment. Can you imagine what labor would have done to my body with blood pressure that high? My doctor recommended, and I agreed, that I undergo the much less stressful intact dilation and extraction procedure--what the "pro-life" forces often like to call a "partial birth abortion." Of course, you being the smart and well-education politicians that you are know that there is NO medical procedure that is actually called a "partial birth abortion" so you know that there are several medical procedures that the "pro-life" movement put in that category, including the one that I had. Wait, I take that back--Mr. McCain, as you have been a staunch supporter of the Partial Birth Abortion ban you clearly were asleep in class when they discussed the actual procedures.

But I digress. My doctor refers to my procedure as the worst moment in his professional career. As I lay on the gurney, waiting for my procedure to start, I felt a gulf of grief and emptiness the like of which I have never known. I felt abandoned by God. I lay there, crying, alone, surrounded by doctors and nurses. You can't imagine the sadness.

I was lucky. Are you surprised that I would say that? I was lucky because the partial-birth abortion ban was not yet in effect in October of 2004. If it had been, I would have been forced to undergo labor and delivery, no matter the risks to my health, and I might right now be either dead or so brain damaged I would be unable to type this. I was additionally lucky because even though I live in Philadelphia, one of the largest cities in the country--a city, Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton, you two will be visiting a great deal in the next month--my doctor happened to be only one of two doctors in this entire city that was willing and able to perform this life-saving medical procedure (although he can't now, of course, thanks to the ban being enacted--besides, he left Pennsylvania for New Jersey thanks to our crazy medical malpractice insurance crisis but that's another story).

So that's my story. For a year after that, I licked my wounds and missed my sons, Nicholas and Zachary. Eventually, I underwent a frozen embryo transfer and gave birth to my daughter Victoria, whose grinning face you see above this entry. I had problems with her delivery as well, so I will not be having other children, sadly.

I'm sure that you will find my story compelling; even the most hard-hearted and most staunch pro-lifers have. Many who came to my blog to question my decision have stayed and become friends. You know why? Because mine was an "acceptable" abortion. I'm not a 26 year old professional woman who doesn't want to derail her career by having a child and chooses to terminate a pregnancy. Or a teenage girl who got drunk and forgot to make the boy wear a condom. Or a harried mother of three who just can't imagine having a fourth child.

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

So knock it off, will you? Fight to protect a woman's right to choose. I know, Ms. Clinton, that you believe in it enough to put it on the front page of your website, but your record isn't perfect. Mr. Obama, you do not discuss choice on your campaign page (although it's hosted on the Women for Obama page). Why not? Mr. McCain, for shame. Shame on you for promoting a law that is basically a warrant for my death. Come on.

I'm tired of writing about this. I am tired of being the Internet Poster Girl for Partial Birth Abortion, I assure you. It's not comfortable. By writing this post, I will get a new batch of pro-life people that will start telling me how I murdered my sons, how they could have lived (they never, ever, remember that one had already passed away) and some will threaten me. It happens every time I talk about this. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let someone else do this. But I won't. I don't know what it will take; perhaps a constitutional amendment protecting women's bodies?

Yeah. That might do it. Sigh. Like that will ever happen.

Comments

[Wendy]

Cecily:

Much love and admiration from me to you for the service you do all women by putting this out there again.

[ktpupp]

Nothing to say, but "Amen, sister!"
*hugs*

[Tricia]

Once again your story touches my heart and I am in awe of you for being such a strong woman who speaks up for what she believes in. Women like you just might be able to make a difference for all women. Thanks for putting yourself out there...AGAIN. Would love to give you a great big hug right now.

[Mary]

Brave, brave girl. Thanks for this post.

I am approaching the 3 year anniversary of the loss of my baby girl Naomi -- due to an abortion (induced labor at 22 weeks) since her congential defects of heart and internal organs would have killed her at birth. And I would have not been able to handle, emotionally, carrying a baby that I knew would die at birth. An autopsy confirmed all of the defects, plus a few more that worsened her condition even more.

Every day I miss her, but every day I thank God I was able to make the decision I did. Even tho I had to cross state lines to do it, since Virginia would not allow such a procedure at our gestational dates. We had to wait until 22 weeks to make sure by fetal EKG at 21 weeks that her heart was as deformed as we suspected. We wanted to be sure that the doctors were right.

Thanks for fighting the good fight, to allow women like us, as well as the other women you describe, make such decisions.

[Lawmommy]

Thank you for writing about this. Again. Thank you for putting this out there. Again. Thank you for not backing down.

nolite te bastardes carborundorum

Lawmommy

[Sarah]

I am with you 100%. You are my hero and I love you.

I really really hope the candidates read this and respond.

[melissa]

Thank you for speaking. I respect and admire you. You have brought tears to my eyes again, and I hope our leaders listen for damn once.

[thrice]

{{{hugs}}}

[Tine]

Sing it, sister!

Your compadre on the hippie fringes of Christianity, who thinks she would *never* have an abortion but knows that one can never really know that, and wouldn't dream of taking that decision away from another woman.

Hugs to you, and thanks for telling your story again and again, exhausting though it is.

[elizabeth]

Ignore the nasty comments. What you did was one of the most difficult things a pregnant woman has to do.
Thank you!

[Stacey]

Thank you for continuing to write about this. I suspect most people don't think much about the realities of laws and bans on choice.

[Kim]

As always Cecily, you speak up when needed in an educated loud proud voice no matter how hard it is. Thank you.

[Laura]

I worked in a Planned Parenthood for 7 months. I understood and could even sympathise with many women who came in, one with 8 children already, another with two who was living in her car, a 13 yr old who had been raped, and countless other stories but the ones who bothered me and there are of some who abuse the choice, one who was there for her 8th abortion (she was 19) and refused birthcontrol methods because they are just too hard to keep up with... one who was there for her 5th abortion (she just does not want kids) TUBAL/ hello they are free in this state... those are the ones who make Abortion carry such a bad stigma... and unfortunately there are quite a few of them, but the ones who really stick in my mind are the ones who have made this choice to protect their lives, the children they already have lives. Will abortion ever be an easy topic one without heated opinions... I doubt it. Hugs to you Cecily you had a horrid decision to make and Thank God you lived through it to be the mom you are today.

[Catherine]

Amen.

Send the trolls to me - I am REALLY in the mood to punch someone today. Heh.

[BrooklynGirl]

Rock on, brave girl.

[Emily]

I really hope the candidates are listening to voices like yours. Thank you.

[Libby]

Thank you so much, AGAIN, for being the poster girl. I know it's a thankless job, so I'm thanking you over and over. Your story needs to be told, again and again. So many people do not get that it's not just black-and-white "we have to save all the baybees, in every circumstance." It's just not. I wish I could hug you too.

[Anne]

Thank you for your strength and your voice. I hope they listen.

[Elena]

It would be fascinating to know if Obama, Clinton or McClain actually reads your blog, or any blog other than the big news blogs. I know that bloggers influenced the last election but that was once the major news outlets and talk radio got a hold of it.

Amazing stuff this political process.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks.

[Kate]

One word- admiration. For you.

[Sheridan]

I love you more than ever.

[Kris]

It is your experience that made me look very carefully at my views on abortion (I was always FOR women's right to choose but had never really thought HARD about it). Having a family member two years back go through almost exactly the same thing as you, (with the exception that hers was a singleton) really drove it home. I am thankful that you speak up for this, I am in awe of your strength. Thank you!

K.

[Carla Hinkle]

Good for you making your voice heard.

[Nissa]

Thank You