Speaking to the Candidates About Choice On the Four Year Anniversary Of This Blog

Apparently, some folks who read this blog know some folks who know some folks and swear they can get this blog entry read by at least Obama, but I figured, why limit myself to just writing to Obama? I'm speaking to everyone who is running for President, including Ms. Clinton, and Mr. McCain (ok, maybe not Mr. Nader).

Why have I been appointed as someone to discuss the issue of choice? Because I'm the Internet Poster Girl For Partial Birth Abortion, that's why. It's not a title I'm proud of, but it's one I was saddled with a few years ago.

I'm not going to get into the whole story here. If you really want to read all about the harrowing details they start here. But you are all too busy running for president, so I'll give you the short version. In April of 2004 I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twin boys after undergoing in vitro treatment for male factor infertility (thanks to drugs my husband's mother took--DES, we suspect--while she was pregnant with him). We were on top of the world, although the pregnancy was difficult.

But a routine ultrasound on October 26--meant to be a time of great joy (my best friend came with us to the appointment--revealed terrible news: one of the twins had died, probably about a week before. We went from the ultrasound appointment to my obstetrician's office and were met with even more grim news. My weight had spiked up about 18 pounds, my blood pressure was soaring, and I had protein in my urine.

It turned out that I was in full-blown preeclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital immediately.

After that, everything happened very quickly. I was put on medication (magnesium sulfate) in an attempt to treat the preeclampsia and save the remaining twin until he reached outside-the-womb viability--a mere two weeks away (I was just over 22 weeks pregnant). But I got much worse overnight; my blood pressure couldn't be controlled, I had a massive headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. My kidneys shut down. I was moments away from seizures, coma, and death when the doctors came and told us the bad news: my remaining twin could not be saved. My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die.

You might, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, be able to imagine what it felt like to be my husband--to imagine being terrified of losing your children and your wife in one fell swoop. Ms. Clinton, you might be able to imagine lying in the hospital, so sick you barely feel any of what is happening, only knowing that the long-fought-for children you so desperately wanted are now both going to be dead.

Here's the part of the story where choice comes in. I could, of course, have gone through induced labor and delivered my tiny twins. But my blood pressure was hovering around 165/120 (often going higher), even with treatment. Can you imagine what labor would have done to my body with blood pressure that high? My doctor recommended, and I agreed, that I undergo the much less stressful intact dilation and extraction procedure--what the "pro-life" forces often like to call a "partial birth abortion." Of course, you being the smart and well-education politicians that you are know that there is NO medical procedure that is actually called a "partial birth abortion" so you know that there are several medical procedures that the "pro-life" movement put in that category, including the one that I had. Wait, I take that back--Mr. McCain, as you have been a staunch supporter of the Partial Birth Abortion ban you clearly were asleep in class when they discussed the actual procedures.

But I digress. My doctor refers to my procedure as the worst moment in his professional career. As I lay on the gurney, waiting for my procedure to start, I felt a gulf of grief and emptiness the like of which I have never known. I felt abandoned by God. I lay there, crying, alone, surrounded by doctors and nurses. You can't imagine the sadness.

I was lucky. Are you surprised that I would say that? I was lucky because the partial-birth abortion ban was not yet in effect in October of 2004. If it had been, I would have been forced to undergo labor and delivery, no matter the risks to my health, and I might right now be either dead or so brain damaged I would be unable to type this. I was additionally lucky because even though I live in Philadelphia, one of the largest cities in the country--a city, Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton, you two will be visiting a great deal in the next month--my doctor happened to be only one of two doctors in this entire city that was willing and able to perform this life-saving medical procedure (although he can't now, of course, thanks to the ban being enacted--besides, he left Pennsylvania for New Jersey thanks to our crazy medical malpractice insurance crisis but that's another story).

So that's my story. For a year after that, I licked my wounds and missed my sons, Nicholas and Zachary. Eventually, I underwent a frozen embryo transfer and gave birth to my daughter Victoria, whose grinning face you see above this entry. I had problems with her delivery as well, so I will not be having other children, sadly.

I'm sure that you will find my story compelling; even the most hard-hearted and most staunch pro-lifers have. Many who came to my blog to question my decision have stayed and become friends. You know why? Because mine was an "acceptable" abortion. I'm not a 26 year old professional woman who doesn't want to derail her career by having a child and chooses to terminate a pregnancy. Or a teenage girl who got drunk and forgot to make the boy wear a condom. Or a harried mother of three who just can't imagine having a fourth child.

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

So knock it off, will you? Fight to protect a woman's right to choose. I know, Ms. Clinton, that you believe in it enough to put it on the front page of your website, but your record isn't perfect. Mr. Obama, you do not discuss choice on your campaign page (although it's hosted on the Women for Obama page). Why not? Mr. McCain, for shame. Shame on you for promoting a law that is basically a warrant for my death. Come on.

I'm tired of writing about this. I am tired of being the Internet Poster Girl for Partial Birth Abortion, I assure you. It's not comfortable. By writing this post, I will get a new batch of pro-life people that will start telling me how I murdered my sons, how they could have lived (they never, ever, remember that one had already passed away) and some will threaten me. It happens every time I talk about this. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let someone else do this. But I won't. I don't know what it will take; perhaps a constitutional amendment protecting women's bodies?

Yeah. That might do it. Sigh. Like that will ever happen.

Comments

[Sarah]

ATTN!!!

Can the anonymous folks who are starting in with the "wasn't a c-section an option" please, kindly, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Or better yet, take the time to go and read her archives relating to this tragedy, the many many posts in which she PAINFULLY relived her agony in order to clearly explain to you people what she went through.

Don't you think if it WAS an option, she would have mentioned it?!?

Unbelievable.

[Leta]

Oh, bravo. Thank you for doing this.

At the risk of offending/alienating you, you are the poster girl for partial birth abortion because SOMEBODY had to be. Somebody had to give this a face. A name. A story.

Somebody had to do the dirty work, to reach people and make them understand that this is not about being "irresponsible"- it is about women's lives, health, and fertility.

I am so, so sorry for what you and Charlie and Nicholas and Zachary had to suffer- so, so sorry. But honestly, Cecily, I truly am glad that YOU are the Postergirl, because you are just so good at it.

We need you. Women. America. All of us.

What you have done, you have done so well, especially in giving this medical procedure a name-- or rather, names. Zachary and Nicholas, the babies who would never get to live outside. Cecily, who could have died, ended up comatose or unable to have any more children. Charlie, who could have, in one fell swoop, lost not just sons, but a wife and future daughter, too. And Tori- as odd as it is, this is her story as much as it is anybody's. Because, otherwise, would she even exist?

Bravo, Cecily. Bravo.

[Amy in BC]

Rock on Cecily. We support you!

[Shelley]

Word!

[JK]

Thank you for this amazing post, as you know, I am a longtime fan. Each time you do something like this, I become more impressed.

[Jes]

Thank you. I know the role you play is a tough one, but thank you for supporting a choice for woman and speaking out. I appreciate your willingness and heart.

[Erin]

Dear Mr. Obama,

When my best friend was 14 she found herself pregnant, and was told by her mother that she would keep the baby. Her mother had a change of heart in the second trimester, so she took her to a city where abortion was still legal at this later stage. Her cervix was forced to open in a 2 day procedure, and her baby was delivered up to his head, his skull was crushed, and his tiny body was thrown in the trash.
Years later when she again became pregnant she was elated to find out that she and her husband were having twin girls. Unfortunately, her cervix was permanently damaged during the abortion she had as a teenager and she was only able to carry her beautiful daughters until the 22nd week. They both died soon after delivery. Mr. Obama, here is just one example of three deaths and many shattered lives as a result of partial birth abortion. You will save lives by supporting a ban on such procedures.
Cecily, you and I both know you could have had a c-section. That's what they would have done if your baby had been at 24 weeks gestation.
I can't imagine the pain you went through. I can only imagine that the only thing worse than watching your child die is choosing NOT to watch as your child dies.
What you think is wrong, and if you don't see that in this life, you'll see it in the next.

[watercolor]

Amen. hugs and prayers.

For the people who keep asking about c-section, she was clearly about to die herself and THUS way too unstable healthwise for surgery. Really. Good grief.

[Lisa]

Cecily,
While I know our political views differ for the most part, I absolutely agree with you on this one. Completely. I cannot begin to understand what you went through when you lost your boys but I want you to know that you are the reason my views on this subject have changed. You are so brave and I really appreciate your honesty. And, while you are probably sick and tired of being the "poster girl" for partial birth abortion, you sure do it with courage and dignity.

[Heather P.]

Cecily,
I hate like hell that you have to be the poster girl. The entire story of Nicholas and Zachary is beyond tragic and heartbreaking. Thank you for standing up for our rights! HUGS!

[Kristin]

Unless I've mis-remembered or misunderstood the situation...not only could Cecily's body not have withstood a c-section...but a c-section would not have saved the life of her child, who was only at 22 weeks gestation. And Cecily was far too ill to wait 2 weeks for viability (not that 24 weeks is some guaranteed magic talisman anyway): her life was in immediate danger.

Keep on, Cecily.

[Nikki]

I'm sure it sucks to be the poster girl, but you're really good at it. I really do hope that Obama, or any of the other candidates get to read this.

Like alot of others on here, Rock on!

[Denise]

Thank you Cecily. I don't think I can write the words to express the admiration I have for you and your words. As a woman who experienced severe preeclampsia (HELLP Syndrome) myself and having seen too many fellow pre-e moms on the Pre-e Foundation board lose their babies and face serious medical jeopardy themselves...I applaud you. Until you are faced with something this awful yourself, you cannot know the heartache of having to say goodbye too early by choice.

Much love.

[auntie sunshine]

Damn I love you.

I hope you don't mind me linking to your post and bowling in your honor at Pro-Choice Resources annual bowl-a-thon next month. You are truly amazing.

[Emily]

Cecily,

Thank you for bearing this hard load. I am sorry you have to, but glad you are willing to speak up for all women.

I hope the candidates, read and think.

[AdirondackJen]

So sorry that you had to go through the loss of your sons. Anyone who can't acknowledge the gravity of that situation, and the sheer luck of having the doctor you did, is an asshat.

You're right: It shouldn't be luck keeping us safe.

[Meira]

Crossing my fingers & hoping this gets to the right eyes!!!

[Alex]

Cecily,

I am so sorry it is necessary to do this, and sorrier still that your experience qualifies you to write about this issue so poignantly. Still, as many others have noted, no one could say it better. Thank you.

[Cecily]

Sure, I could have had a c-section.

This would not have saved my son's life

This would have been a dangerous surgical procedure thanks to my very high blood pressure.

In order to contain the bleeding, I would have had a very high chance of losing my uterus, as many mothers do when they have c-sections with severe pre-eclampsia. So, then I would not have Tori.

Pre-eclampsia at 22 weeks gestation in a pregnancy is very, very rare. Intact dilation and extraction was the safest option available for terminating my pregnancy.

And damn it, I am SO TIRED of explaining this already.

[Aurelia]

Dearest Cecily,

You are my hero as you know...thank you for talking about this, and for being the internet poster girl and all. I could go through labour & delivery, but only because my son's fatal birth defect was diagnosed at 21 weeks. If he had been diagnosed after 28 weeks, I would have had the same procedure as you. You and I are sisters by circumstance. I am so glad I found you.

For the people who keep talking about the c-section issue, you are completely wrong. Surgery cannot be performed on an unstable patient and blood pressure of 165/120 and rising is unstable. Major abdominal surgery would equal death. Even an intact D&E is risky, but is the least risky option of all.

If various pro-lifers want to insist that a c-section is possible, let them go to medical school then they can be convinced. Maybe they can dream up a cure for pre-eclampsia.

Oh yeah, I forgot, the same pro-life groups who want to ban partial birth abortion, refuse to support research on maternal-fetal-infant health. Apparently they only give a shit if babies live when they might get aborted. They sure don't care about us.

[alyssa]

gah, i wish people screaming about c-sections would shut the f up already. while they're done every day, a c-section is major surgery. major invasive surgery. and when the doctors made the decisions they obviously felt termination was the safest option for cecily. and since the baby wasn't going to live no matter what, it ws all about saving cecily. and if you're too stupid or close-minded to even take a look at that then go vote for mccain and hide your head under the rug, because god gave you a brain like everyone else and it's about time you used its reasoning skills

[JuliaKB]

Cecily, I am so very sorry (again) that you are in a position to speak about this issue. You do it magnificently. With aplomb, honesty, and grace. And I am not sure there are enough words to express how terrible it is that you can speak to this from experience.

Erin, I am simply not finding the words here either. Where did you learn this level of cruelty? And where is your medical degree from? Because stating as a fact that Cecily could've had a c-section after her kidneys have shut down is rather impressively ignorant of you. I am sorry about your friend's loss. I don't say it lightly, for I know what it is to bury a child. But using her tragedy to hurt Cecily is unimaginably cruel. Your friend's girls and Cecily's surviving boy were at the same gestation-- gestation when lungs are not anywhere near being remotely functional, when many other systems are too far from go for even a chance at survival. Cecily's son wasn't going to survive. Period, end of sentence. Asking her doctor to make any decision at that point other than the one that maximized her chances of survival and recovery is simply barbaric. There is no other word because it puts a principle above a life. One of the foundational statements of my religion is "Whoever saves a life, it is as if he saved a world entire." To say nothing about basic human decency. To brandish the next world as a weapon in front of Cecily-- do you really think the merciful G-d in whose name you utter these words would approve?
So to me it is nothing but barbaric to suggest that Cecily's life or health should've been put in jeopardy so that her baby could die outside of the womb instead of inside it. Make no mistake, Erin-- what you are saying is that Cecily's life and health, her happiness, Charlie's happiness, Tori's very chance at existence, all of it together and every piece individually is worth less than a couple of hours and the manner of death of a boy who couldn't live. If you really think that, I hope one day you face the cruelty of your words and are as horrified by it as I am today. If you don't really think that, than I do believe you owe Cecily an apology. A big huge one.

[Suzanne]

Bravo. Bra-freakin'-vo.

-Suzanne

[Julia]

It is hard, isn't it. When so often all we want it to pull the covers up over our heads and tell the thoughtless trolls to eff off.

But we can't. We have our girls to fight for. So thank you.

Your buddy in the trenches,

Julia

[lugina]

I have to delurk to tell you that you're awesome. Powerful. Strong. Awesome. I've been reading for about a year (I think). I found you after my friend lost her baby girl - I was looking for something to help me understand what she was going through so that I wouldn't say or do the wrong things. I stayed because I absolutely love what you have to say about everything else. This is a great post. And I'm so sorry with every fiber of my being for the reasons you must bear this heavy load. I can't even imagine how you feel. Stay strong.