Unbalanced

So, I've been fuming ranting and raving stewing considering the whole last 48 hours on this blog.

I've been thinking about what would happen if any of the candidates actually DID come and read my blog post about losing Nicholas and Zachary and why it made me even more a believer in keeping abortion safe and legal (and rare). Then I started to think about how it would be if they read the comments, and then what I posted the next day, and I began to feel, well, frankly... embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed by you guys--your comments were fine. I'm embarrassed at my behavior, at my cattiness, and at my reactionary response to the few people that asked me that simple question: why didn't I get a c-section? Of course the answer seems obvious, on the surface, either to those of us that have been through a similar situation, or have watched women like us go through it, or have a medical background, or have the Google MD that comes from years of infertility and loss.

But you know what? That does NOT describe everyone who reads this blog any more. There are a lot of people who come here who never had any trouble conceiving (and some who haven't even yet tried) who might honestly just not know the answer to that simple question: why didn't I have a c-section?

Instead of being calm and rational, and what I like to call the "Good Cecily" that handles discussions of the loss of my twins in a reasoned and sensible manner and just answers the question asked, I instead reacted to what I perceived to be the unasked questions or the unstated judgments. I didn't hear a simple "Why didn't you get a c-section?" I heard, "Bitch, why didn't you try harder to save your son's life and have a c-section?"

And you know what? NOBODY SAID THAT. I leaped to conclusions--many of us did--and instead of responding, I reacted. I got angry. I behaved badly. I engaged in an email debate that got ugly. And worse, when the person I engaged with extended what might have been an olive branch I could have possibly grasped onto (admittedly, it was a small branch, slightly wilted, without any actual leaves), instead of trying to bring peace to our discussion, I set the fucking branch on fire.

Additionally, I turned my back on the 110 supportive and positive comments I got and instead focused on the single commenter that was negative. How rotten is that? How ungrateful? How small minded and stupid?

I can't give a reasonable excuse for why this happened; I'd love to blame the hormones (seriously, this is the worst PMS I've ever experienced, and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD ALREADY?) but that's not the only reason. In general lately I have been focusing on the dark and not able to see the light. I find that when my surface is scratched these days, what is underneath is bitterness and fear. I'm not letting love in. I'm not letting God in. I'm not letting the light in.

So I'm not sure I should be representing ANYONE to our candidates.

I want to apologize to those of you that asked a simple question and got shouted down. Please, forgive me for not just answering what you asked and instead assuming you were saying something else entirely (and even if that WAS what you were thinking, that is SO not my business). I hope you will continue to come here, and continue to ask questions, and continue to express your point of view even if it differs from mine and from many readers of this blog.

Now, please don't give me a bunch of accolades and tell me how awesome I am for saying this. I'm not big-hearted, or brave, or tolerant, even, particularly. Truth is, I'm mostly kind of an asshole and sometimes I let it show here in the blog. This was one of those times. I'm working on it.

Now. Back to the puppies.

Comments

[losing true]

I'm so proud of you for this post. In my experience that is an extremely sober response to a crazy-making world.

[girl in greenwood]

Cecily, I am asking this in the nicest possible way (i.e. I can't remember if you've mentioned it before AND I am taking them myself) - are you taking any antidepressants? I know you are wary of pharmaceutical solutions and I am obviously not a doctor nor an expert... but whenever someone who is sober, self-aware, and not currently in the midst of a crisis talks about their emotions being dramatically out of control in comparison to their thoughts - antidepressants cross my mind.

Further disclaimer: you don't have to answer publicly and you don't have to answer me privately, either.

Now make yourself laugh by imagining that my comment just read, "Antidepressants????" (Hope you've been keeping up with Tertia's kerfuffle or that won't be funny at all.)

[Libby]

Dude - I just adore you. But honey, this post is unnecessary and honestly incorrect. Here is a direct quote from one of your commenters:

"Cecily, you and I both know you could have had a c-section. That's what they would have done if your baby had been at 24 weeks gestation.
I can't imagine the pain you went through. I can only imagine that the only thing worse than watching your child die is choosing NOT to watch as your child dies.
What you think is wrong, and if you don't see that in this life, you'll see it in the next."

Now if that's not the "Bitch, why didn't you try harder to save your son's life and have a c-section?" then I don't know what is.

So you are entitled to your reaction and I'm sorry you're apologizing for it. I mean to me, her subtext was, "you should have died. You made the wrong decision and do not deserve to live." Seriously. How can someone actually say shit like that to another human being? This is what I will never understand about people like Erin. Come to someone's blog and basically take a dump on their front porch, telling them that the worst day of their life, a day they were basically incapacitated, they should have made the (ridiculous) decision to have a cesaeran. I am glad you reacted the way you did, my dear. No one deserves to be spoken to that way.

[Tater's Mom]

Rotten, ungrateful, small-minded and stupid? Nope. Most likely your knee-jerk reaction was due to guilt. I can't say I have any fraction of an idea of what you went through with your twins but I would venture to guess that there were all sorts of questions you asked yourself after they passed. And I would also venture that you were not very nice to yourself in asking those questions - which is perfectly understandable.

So maybe when someone else asked you a question that was similar to one you probably brow beat yourself with, you heard YOUR voice, not theirs. And you became defensive because you're not in the moment anymore and you can think more rationally. This may not make any sense and I don't have any kind of education that suggests I know what I'm talking about here.

But I think your reaction was "normal". You reacted to a question you probably asked yourself years ago - many times. And you couldn't understand why the asker didn't know what you know - that you did what you had to do.

The fact that you can recognize the error of your response and that you're brave (I said it, please don't kill me!) enough to own up to your mistake...well, THAT is admirable. There aren't many people out there that would issue such a public mea culpa - candidates included. Bravo!

[becky]

Hi Cecily,
I read here often, but comment seldom.
I’m one of those really awful people, who had an abortion as a teenager.
No medical reason -- just looked at my options and chose.
Do I think it was wrong? Yup.
Would I do it again in the same situation? Most likely.
Do I think my situation and yours have anything in common? Nope.
I don’t even think they deserve the same word – abortion. It is so politically charged, and your decision was medical, while mine was moral.

I think you are brave. I think we all take risks sharing our stories online. Thank you.

[Mental P Mama]

Google MD?! I have one of those, too, but I didn't know there were others out there with the same degree. I'm almost finished with my Google JD. Then we can kick some butt! By the way, there are very few people out there with the ability to be as real as you are. For that you owe no apologies.

[Sheri]

Hugs....

I'm sorry this is causing you such conflict within yourself and I do think you've explained yourself very eloquently.

[Robin]

Thanks for the puppies. I had to forward them to all my friends.

As for the c-section question. I honestly wondered about it myself. It was how they handled my first bout with preeclamsia. Though, my BP wasn't anywhere near what yours was and my kidney function was fine. Every medical situation is different and not to be compared with others. On my 2nd baby, my bp didn't spike until 2 days after the c-section.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your boys. I can only imagine how hard it must of been to go through. And it is certainly understandable if emotions run high and raw when it comes to them.

[Peach]

I agree with Libby... you didn't list c-section as an option when you recapped the history, and I, having a basic knowledge of the c-section process, automatically knew why that wasn't an option. However, others might not have. So, yes, if the comments were simply asking why, then jumping to the voices in your head could have seemed brash. And if I'd asked it and we'd entered an email conversation, that misunderstanding I think would have become clear early on and things fixed apologies all around, life is happy again.

But, it doesn't sound like that was the case. In which case your response was not only OK, but vital. We can no longer keep taking the "high road" and simply disengaging because the people who oppose us are louder and seem more determined to not back down - that's how they get elected. We need to keep voicing our views and keep engaging, keep bringing those issues forward until our voices are as loud as those who oppose us. If we can do it without descending into crazy, all the better - but if we can't, hey at least our issues are getting heard just as much as the others.

I know there are a ton of people who think that it makes a better impression if we take the high road and don't descend to the inaity of the "crazy folk" (I used to feel that way 100%), but history shows those crazy folk who keep talking, right or wrong, get heard more often and get laws passed. So now I'm wondering why can't we occasionally use that same strategy to the same ends?

[Chickenpig]

I'm doing a 'period dance' for you as soon as I get off this keyboard. (Don't ask me what it entails, it 'taint pretty). There isn't any chance that you could be pregnant, is there? I only ask because the first few weeks I was out of control angry and bitchy, when I wasn't tired and head-achy.

I still think that you have no reason to apologize. Even those ppl who are totally ignorant of your medical situation, should give you, and your team of well informed doctor's, the benefit of the doubt, and assume that a C was on the table and for whatever reason was dismissed. Asking why you didn't just 'go for it' is a little bit like asking an infertile person why they don't 'just adopt'. For this, I think you should be forgiven your response.

Also, for people who haven't been in this situation, once your health is at risk and the doctor's have decided what needs to be done, you really don't have much of a say in the matter. Sure, the doctor may say to you "Your health is bad, real bad, we could give you a C section, but we think that would be a bad choice.", that makes you feel like you have a choice, but really...they are making that choice. Even your significant other is a little too frazzled and close to the situation for his/her choice to carry much weight. I was given the "choice" of having an emergency C section or to wait until my pre scheduled C section date, but given the suddenly serious atmosphere in the room, and all the binging and boinging from the monitors, I have a feeling that they would have knocked me over the head if I had chosen to leave. In the same vein, if Cecily had stood up in the stirrups and shouted "I want a C section and I want it now" There response would have been "Yeah, right, lady."

[Katie]

I was a little embarrassed at your reaction to the question, since that's one of the questions I had asked you privately a while back. Except I called it a hysterotomy instead of a cesarean, given the gestational age, and you thought I meant hysterectomy, so once we got that sorted out, you explained why it wouldn't have been the best solution :-) I think of myself as very well informed about birth issues, but I hadn't realized that your procedure was less invasive/dangerous than a cesarean. Nowadays with the 30% national cesarean rate, cesareans are sometimes portrayed as a walk in the park. I had always realized that your son would have died after the cesarean - that it wasn't a matter of trying to save him. I'm not sure why people are trying to go for that angle. So anyway, I appreciate you acknowledging that a few people may have had a worthwhile question.

[jenn]

Frankly, I don't think that cool, rational, and lucid is an appropriate reaction to people questioning the decisions you and Charlie made during a miscarriage/near-death situation. "Fuming, ranting, and raving" strikes me as just about right. (But I also tend to be a bit of a bitch that way). Especially when you've laid out that horrible day in great detail before on your blog.

And, hey, it's not like you shoved the branch up her ass after lighting it on fire.

[Genie]

"Working on it" is all you can do. And, until someone publishes a protocol for losing much loved and wanted sons and dealing with the aftermath of that loss, there's no "wrong" way to react to anyone who comments on it, one way or the other. And...just for the record, love works its way to you whether you let it in or not, and God is there (even when you think he's being a Dick) whether you're open (or brave, or tolerant, or big-hearted) or not. Be well. Be strong. -Genie

[Shelley]

Go easy on yourself, Cecily. Like Libby, I thought the question was phrased in a most provocative way -- if she'd said, "Please forgive me for asking, because I truly don't know -- but why did you not have a C-section?" it would have been one thing. And she totally showed her hand in subsequent responses.

You're generous to re-examine your reaction in this way, though, you really are. But in your shoes I think many of us would have done EXACTLY the same.

[Carla Hinkle]

If anyone (candidate, staffer, etc) who knows anything about blogs reads your post or the following posts, they won't be surprised.

It's a *blog*. It is akin to a public journal/diary. It isn't the website for the New York Times. No one expects it to be a rational, clear-cut collection of articles.

(To be honest I wondered a bit about the C-section thing too, but assumed that it was too dangerous for you medically.)

[Kate]

I am really happy you posted this because I had wondered about the c-section myself and then saw Sarah's comment and decided I was a horrible person for even wondering... I wasn't thinking that you hadn't done everything possible; I was more curious from a medical standpoint why it wasn't an option, since obviously EVERY option to save your and your son's life had been considered. You may think yourself to be "kind of an asshole," but the honesty and empathy found on this blog speaks otherwise.

[Adina]

I say to you, and to all your readers, if I have learned one and only one life lesson it is this "Never judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes." PERIOD, THE END! Thank you for your honesty and bravery - yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Hi, Cecily. I dunno why, but I've just got to say this: whenever there is death, someone will be an asshole. There. I said it. But reacting to that, getting defensive when you know you did all that you could? That's not being an asshole. If it is, then I'm an asshole too. How can you call yourself an asshole, when someone else is being an asshole instead of having any compassion for what you went through? Put it in a different perspective: would you ever be an asshole to someone who lost a child, or children, they had desperately wanted? Would you ever try to tell them that, had they only done *this* or *that*, things would be different, or could have been different? What good does that do?

It's a guilt trip, period. An "I know better than you and don't give a damn how you feel" play. People do and say cruel things to make THEMSELVES feel better...not because they care about the person they are being cruel to. And that's just so sad...it really is. Infuriating, but mostly? Just sad.

Yeah, you're right. It probably IS better to respond to such things in a nicer manner, instead of feeding the beast. That whole "do unto others" thing that really gets tough sometimes. But lady, deal with it: you are human :) And dammit, sometimes people just need to be told they're being assholes, so maybe, just maybe, they'll stop it. If, when you say the first time it hurts you, they don't stop and try a new approach in a more honest manner, then you simply MUST take care of yourself, because it becomes obvious they don't really care about you, or your life, no matter how lofty they claim their goals are. They're casting stones...I actually feel sad for people like that, to be honest. I think it'd be really, really hard to have to pretend to be so perfect all the time, when everyone knows better. Takes a whole lot of energy to self-delude to that extent, you know? I know...I've been there. It's a horrible way to live.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. You put SO much pressure on yourself, Cecily...I just want to hug you...you can't be a mindreader. You can't know who is asking a sincere question and who is just baiting. You can't ever, no matter how hard you try, make the whole world happy. The world just isn't always a happy place, as you, and most of us, are so painfully aware of. And all people don't care about other people, as hard as that is to accept or believe.

And no...you aren't perfect. But isn't that simply GREAT!?! To be able to SAY that, and admit that, and not have to PRETEND to be something that NONE OF US can ever be? I like people who can do that. A lot. Honesty means everything to me, and as hard as total honesty can be sometimes, it is such a valuable thing to practice, and to give, and to receive. Honesty, truth, sincerity...I don't think God is having as hard a time as you think getting in there, because those things come from Him (from the perspective of my own personal beliefs--I know it isn't the same for everyone). I so remember the days when I tried to always be "tough", to never show my true feelings...and wow, those days God just wasn't there, for me. And I was dying inside, and killing myself on the outside with things that helped me be "tough". Like alcohol.

Anyway, I've babbled on long enough...hang in there, chickie.

[michelle]

sorry, Cec. I forgot to put my name in before i hit post :)

[Pamala]

I do want to say thanks for introducing me to that site. I've put it in my RSS feed. I wonder if those sheep in diapers will be dyslexic too?

[Carrie Jo]

I'm always impressed at your willingness to be honest with yourself. I guess that kinda has to come with sobriety, though, doesn't it? BTW, there's nothing wrong with being an asshole. :o)

[Jennifer]

I've been a long time reader, but I didn't read when you lost the boys. I am very uneducated about late term abortions (but I have always been pro-choice when the mother's life is at stake) and during my work I came across an article about partial birth abortions (I'm not sure if this is exactly what you had done or not, so if it's not please forgive me). I too wondered why they just didn't do c-sections. Anyway, my point is this, because of your rant I got the answer I was too scared to ask. So some good has come from this, now I really understand what a hard decision you guys had to make. My heart breaks for you. No mother should ever have to make the choice you did and no one has the right to judge you in the least.

So rant or no rant you educated some people. (me included).

*hugs*

[Elena]

"I'm working on it."

We all are Cec! I think this post was very gracious. Good for you!

[JuliaKB]

What Libby said. "You and I both know you could've had a c-section." is so not an innocent question from an uninformed reader. It's a judgement and a guilt trip and a whole lot of other ugly things.

[Aina]

What Libby said. What Julia KB said.

You know, you are indeed big-hearted, brave, and tolerant. (Oh wait, I was supposed to NOT say that.)