Unbalanced

So, I've been fuming ranting and raving stewing considering the whole last 48 hours on this blog.

I've been thinking about what would happen if any of the candidates actually DID come and read my blog post about losing Nicholas and Zachary and why it made me even more a believer in keeping abortion safe and legal (and rare). Then I started to think about how it would be if they read the comments, and then what I posted the next day, and I began to feel, well, frankly... embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed by you guys--your comments were fine. I'm embarrassed at my behavior, at my cattiness, and at my reactionary response to the few people that asked me that simple question: why didn't I get a c-section? Of course the answer seems obvious, on the surface, either to those of us that have been through a similar situation, or have watched women like us go through it, or have a medical background, or have the Google MD that comes from years of infertility and loss.

But you know what? That does NOT describe everyone who reads this blog any more. There are a lot of people who come here who never had any trouble conceiving (and some who haven't even yet tried) who might honestly just not know the answer to that simple question: why didn't I have a c-section?

Instead of being calm and rational, and what I like to call the "Good Cecily" that handles discussions of the loss of my twins in a reasoned and sensible manner and just answers the question asked, I instead reacted to what I perceived to be the unasked questions or the unstated judgments. I didn't hear a simple "Why didn't you get a c-section?" I heard, "Bitch, why didn't you try harder to save your son's life and have a c-section?"

And you know what? NOBODY SAID THAT. I leaped to conclusions--many of us did--and instead of responding, I reacted. I got angry. I behaved badly. I engaged in an email debate that got ugly. And worse, when the person I engaged with extended what might have been an olive branch I could have possibly grasped onto (admittedly, it was a small branch, slightly wilted, without any actual leaves), instead of trying to bring peace to our discussion, I set the fucking branch on fire.

Additionally, I turned my back on the 110 supportive and positive comments I got and instead focused on the single commenter that was negative. How rotten is that? How ungrateful? How small minded and stupid?

I can't give a reasonable excuse for why this happened; I'd love to blame the hormones (seriously, this is the worst PMS I've ever experienced, and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD ALREADY?) but that's not the only reason. In general lately I have been focusing on the dark and not able to see the light. I find that when my surface is scratched these days, what is underneath is bitterness and fear. I'm not letting love in. I'm not letting God in. I'm not letting the light in.

So I'm not sure I should be representing ANYONE to our candidates.

I want to apologize to those of you that asked a simple question and got shouted down. Please, forgive me for not just answering what you asked and instead assuming you were saying something else entirely (and even if that WAS what you were thinking, that is SO not my business). I hope you will continue to come here, and continue to ask questions, and continue to express your point of view even if it differs from mine and from many readers of this blog.

Now, please don't give me a bunch of accolades and tell me how awesome I am for saying this. I'm not big-hearted, or brave, or tolerant, even, particularly. Truth is, I'm mostly kind of an asshole and sometimes I let it show here in the blog. This was one of those times. I'm working on it.

Now. Back to the puppies.

Comments

[Hanlie]

You know, I just feel that people should behave with more courtesy. I read a LOT of blogs every day and I don't always agree with the writer. Hell Cecily, I don't always agree with you either (although you have my full support on this issue). But I would never, ever in a million years leave a nasty comment.

Visiting someone's blog is like being invited into their home for a look-see. You don't start smashing the furniture! If you feel that an issue needs addressing, you can always do a post about it on your own blog, without necessarily naming and shaming the person.

Let's be a bit more tolerant and loving towards one another. It's all right to disagree, but we can do it gently and in a non-judgemental way. Everybody has the right to an opinion, and the one who shouts the loudest, or cuts the deepest, is not necessarily right...

[Melessa]

I'm SO not surprised that it was Libby to provide the voice of reason here. This comment is just to add to the many 'love you Cecily's' that have already been said-but Libby if you are still reading-I love you too!

And on a more serious note, I am SO sorry that you lost your sons, but so very glad that you are still here with us. I know you don't need my personal opinion to live your life by, but with all the abuse and assvice you get over this I don't think you can read these words enough-no matter how self-confident you are: YOU MADE THE RIGHT CALL. I'm just sorry you (or anyone) EVER had to make that one.

[Carly]

I think all of this points out EXACTLY why it should be a woman's private right to decide with her doctor what she will do with her uterus!

No one should have to defend themselves, apologize for doing things that they truly felt were right for them, or be judged by people who have no business weighing in on the matter.

[Deanna]

I agree with those who very clearly read the person's comment as "Bitch, why did you kill your children?"

However - I also think what sets you apart is your willingness to look inside yourself and see what is really going on that made you immediately snap instead of letting it brush past you as you may have on another day (or not - I'm not sure how anyone made up of human being molecules lets that sort of thing "roll off" - I surely wouldn't. Ever).

My point is - when I snapped and had a meltdown at work - yes, it's in large part because my boss (whose last day in our dept was today, incidentally) drove me there - but I also recognized that I had bought into his constant belittling of me and really was BELIEVING his piss-poor, narrow-minded definition of who I am. And it's NOT. And it helped me realize that my view of myself and reality had gotten distended... and it brought me back a little.

So I commend you for re-thinking the situation and wondering how you got there, as it were. It says to me that you need a spa day just for you... are you close enough to go to Hershey for the day and get a nice chocolate wrap? MMMM...

[Jan]

RE:
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD ALREADY?

I know this joke is in poor taste and I shouldn't ... but I am unable to resist ...

Maybe you're pregnant? Hahahaha

Sorry. Smooches.

[Nikki]

Hey girl!

I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, because they're totally right. My thoughts?-It's your blog, and this is a very sensitive issue, and you're human. Any sane-minded person can see that, and no one is hating on you for your rant. It's cool that you're able to get inside of yourself and look into the reasons for going off, but you don't have to explain yourself.

[niobe]

And, of course, after having heard the story of my twins and my preeclampsia, some people ask me in a none-too-pleasant way, why I *did* have a c-section. Like, if I hadn't been so selfish, maybe one of the twins might have lived.

Basically, when it comes to dead babies, everyone seems to know exactly what you should have done. And, strangely enough, it never turns out to be what you actually did.

[Sheridan]

Firstly, can I say that I really don't want to fuel any situation here, so Cecily, if you think this is inflammatory, then please delete. Really - I mean that.

I am really interested in this. Why are so many people genuinely curious as to why you didn't have an c-section? What difference would it supposedly have made? Have I missed something? Let's call me a completely uninformed reader, because I don't get it.

Let's see. One twin had already passed away, and the other twin was not yet at the point of viability.

"My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die."

The procedure that Cecily underwent was legal at that time.

I completely understand why Cecily didn't have a c-section (and even if I didn't, fuck me, it's none of my business).

But why do so many readers wonder about this supposed option? What difference would it have made?

[Laura M.]

Hi Cecily,
I dont think you had to apologize at all. Not one bit. I second what Libby and JuliaKB said. The poster wasnt being curious, she was being downright hurtful and mean. Thank you for sharing your life and experiences and feelings with us.

[CTG]

ah shit, you're human? NOOOO!!!!! I'm going to have to pack up my eyeballs and go read uh...shit...never mind, I'm staying.

I didn't read the comment that spurred the post, but from the quotes from above, it sounds like your gut feeling was right, even if you didn't react to it in a way that you wanted to.

I'm sorry that you're having trouble letting light in. I hope the rough patch comes to an end soon and you're again filled with light and happiness and joy. You deserve the joy. You're in my thoughts.

[ladykuri]

Honey, quit being hard on yourself. You, I and every other rational person here knows that post wasn't seeking information, it was just bitchy. Anything that starts out "You and I both know you could have..." is not being nice. It just isn't. It's saying you're lying and/or stupid and/or not worthy of being on their level of humanity if you DON'T know it.

You are none of those things. You are perfectly in the right to rip someone who treats you like that to shreds, or if you don't want to, we happily will for you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

Once again I'd like to challenge those who have a problem with abortion of any sort to quit lecturing women like Cecily and go DO something to make sure no woman ever needs to make that choice. Quit wasting time, resources and women's lives with repressive legislation, picketing and all the other BS and work on providing shelter, food and medical care for the families who can't afford it, work on better birth control, work on cures for maternal health issues, work on cures for congenital defects, work on stopping the NEED for abortion, not condemning those who made a choice that you can only pray you are never faced with.

[Erin (not that one)]

I agree with others who have said that not all the c-section related questions were phrased in a respectful manner, so I understand why you reacted the way you did. I don't understand why the anonymity of the internet makes it easy for some people to be such jerks -- one would hope that they wouldn't dare to say the kinds of things that were said to you to another person's face, so why should it be acceptable in cyberspace?
I hesitated to say something before, because I didn't want to get confused with the other Erin (totally not me), but I want to join the chorus thanking you for sharing your story. Your experience is one of the many things that have convinced me that no legislation which in any way limits a woman's control over her body is acceptable. I hope your rough patch smooths out soon, and hope you'll keep being an advocate for women's reproductive rights and choice.

[LAura]

Yeah... The comment I saw quoted was not a question it was a judgement. I like that you will tackle the HARD things I may not always have alot to say but when I do I feel that you are open to listen to my thoughts just as I do yours ...without judgement and thats special... You could not run me off from your blog. and My first thought after your missing period statement was "are you pregnant?" ya know stranger things do happen :-)
Hope you feel better soon and remember this is YOUR blog you can put ANYTHING you want on it.
Hugs LAura

[Amy in BC]

The only pity is that your nasty commenter decided to go anon. She felt perfectly justified going to your site and giving her 'opinion'.

Why were we not permitted to go to HERS and question/critique her and HER personal life?

Coward.

[Sarah]

Cecily,
I'm sorry you are hurting so much, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Sarah

[Carole]

I also thought the C-section posters were "cruising for a bruising" rather than making an honest enquiry, and given the circumstances, one can permit you to be a little touchy about the subject!

I think it is a factor that people have forgotten that a C-section is actually a big deal surgically, and not a "easier" way to deliver a baby. And they have also not considered that a major surgical procedure is so NOT what a doctor wants to do when faced with a madly unstable patient. Especially, as in your case, there is simply no possibility that the risk would be justified by the outcome.

I also presented with pre-eclampsia very early (20 weeks), but they pumped me full of pills and miraculously that held it back until 27 weeks. When I got HELLP. So my doctors also hummed and ha ed about the c-section for several days. However on the dot of 28 weeks, although my kidneys and liver were collapsing in heaps, my blood pressure took a sudden nose-dive. So much so that they took me off the magnesium sulphate and put me on something to bring it up (which I found quite funny, even in my fuzzy state!). So then they decided it was worth the risk in order to get everything over as quickly as possible. And, as I remember it, there wasn't really any question of it being MY decision. The doctors made the decision. That's why they get paid the big money.

Abortion at any stage is an emotive issue and, of course, it ought to be. But what irritates me is that "pro-lifers" ALWAYS concentrate on late abortions, totally ignoring that a) late abortions only make up a tiny fraction of the abortion statistics and b) CHOSEN late abortions for any reason other than a serious medical condition in the mother, baby or both only make up a tiny proportion of the tiny proportion. By all means object to the people who use abortion as a means of birth control and try to come up with solutions for that. But stop demonising people who have been forced by circumstances beyond their control to end their pregnancies.

[leslie]

I'm always impressed with the degree of honesty and directness that you share with us. I have to agree with everyone who commented that the woman who made the incredibly bitchy comment about the supposed c-section option wasn't asking a real question but trying to get a nasty dig in at you where you're most vulnerable. Hardly a "christian" thing to do.

Be easier on yourself - you've had weeks of headaches, challenging toddler, being sick, no routine while traveling and then you get slammed by a troll. Giving her what-for seems perfectly reasonable to me - she was hatefully out of line.

[Catherine]

I agree with Libby completely. They were out for blood, NOT being reasonable. Fuck them.

[Slim]

Well, if we aren't allowed to do it on this post, could you create another place where we can tell you how awesome you are?

I can agree that we should give better than we get (still leaves you a lot of leeway), but ditto those who saw an agenda in the question. It's like the difference between "What did you do today?" and "What do you do all day?"

I have not seen your period. I'll keep an eye out, because I know what the March of the Hormones can do to a person (and the innocent bystanders).

[Sarah]

Thank you Libby and others for saying so...There was NO respectful question asked, Cec.
If it was just, "I don't understand...wasn't a c-section an option?" I know that you would have answered it and moved on.

This was baiting you, and we all fucking took it (well, a lot of us. LOL). So can we look at ourselves and think why and think maybe we could have done better? Of course. And you ARE awesome for even considering it, and I don't care if you say we can't tell you that. *sticks tongue out*

Love you.

[Dayna]

A harmless question does not begin "You and I both know...." Erin was out for blood. So sad that she could be so narrow-minded, and even sadder that her fanaticism would cause her to lose sight of Jesus' most basic teaching: "Love one another as I have loved you."

I don't get the "pro-life" spiel (she ain't too pro-life if she didn't give a crap that *your* life was hanging in the balance) and I don't get that she thought the way to sway someone to her way of thinking was through meanness. I didn't think it took too many smarts to figure out that bullying isn't the way to get someone to even consider a different point of view (not that any of us would have in this case; I'm just talking in general) but apparently Erin hasn't gotten that far. Cripes, even my *cat* knows we'll pay more attention to her when she's being lovey than when she's being standoffish.

Your blog is your home space on the internet. I would not tolerate someone being disrespectful or cruel to me in my own home; there is no need for you to tolerate someone's rudeness in yours.

[Gmom]

Rant, Rave, yell and stomp your feet. Regardless of the meaning or the wilty olive branch its Bullshit! Bottom line that was a shitty thing to ask.
I enjoy reading your posts because you are refreshing, honest and will discuss about just about anything. On occasion you have shown a different thought process I never even considered.
I'm not giving you kudos for your apology I'm giving you kudos for just being out there in blog land for anyone that cares to enjoy your rants, raves, adorable pictures of Torey and your continued success over your demons of the past.

[LEB]

But Cecily even if they had been able to do a c-section (you know without killing you) - it wouldn't have changed the outcome for the boys. It was just too soon, there was no way in a billion years you could have hung on (stayed alive) until 24 weeks (and even then the prognosis for the living boy would have been fairly dire).

I wonder how much time & money these people are putting into fighting for an effective treatment/prevention for pre-eclampsia. What happened to you was a tragedy, a devastating, senseless tragedy & they just want to put the boot in (I'm sure partly because their 'faith' can't deal with the fact that utterly shit stuff happens all the time for no fucking reason at all & we just have to find a way to live with that). And they are morons with zero reading comprehension skills.

Bullies, misogynists and arse-wipes I hate them.

[Catherine]

Um, WOW. Erin, you're also kind of a loon, have you noticed? Deep breaths, lady. Heh.

Cec, this freakshow is who you're trying to reason with? :) Hee! She's about halfway to her own Joan of Arc meltdown-type religiously inspired nervous breakdown. You know these people are nuts, right? They don't believe in EVOLUTION. They vote the bread right out of their own mouths so gays can't get married. They're batshit crazy. Don't waste your breath or an ounce of your energy.

[Nicole]

I'm also a reader and rare commenter. I was browsing threw the comments and I read Becky's all the way up at the top. My story is almost the same as hers and I share her viewpoints to a T.

Your reaction was completely normal. Not all people will agree with you all the time, but you know that. And you let it get to you - you're only human. You can't make everyone see your situation for what it was, a choice between life or death for you and your babies. You did what you had to do and what I would have done as well. Many of us applaud you and your strength. I stand silently behind you as do so many people who read your blog.

I wish you peace of mind and heart, Cecily. Hang in there.