Food and a Healthy at Every Size Update

So, have you heard? Sarah quit smoking. Before you get all, "Wait--Sarah smokes?" know that for many of us recovering drunks and junkies, well, the smoking can be the very last thing to go. In fact, I've been to more than one funeral (three, in fact, I can think of off the top of my head) for folks with lots of good, solid recovery who were killed by their inability to give up cigarettes (bladder cancer for one, throat cancer for another, emphysema for the last). Sarah made the decision very quietly (like she totally surprised me), and I'm very proud of her. I quit smoking myself ten years ago (St. Patrick's Day, in fact, was ten years for me) and have never regretted it, and have almost never missed smoking (except when I lost the boys; it would have been very, very nice to smoke then).

Sarah's inspired me to take another step forward in my food and healthy living journey. I've been practicing the Healthy At Any Size (HEAS) tenets, and it's been pretty amazing, I have to say. Living without feeling some form of guilt or shame--or pride, truth be told--about each bite put into my mouth has been uniquely freeing. And aside from a few incidents with the flaming hot cheetos (soooo good), I have found it easy to eat in a way that satisfies my body's need for nourishment and be healthy and self-loving at the same time. To tell the truth, even if I was rigidly dieting, I would be just as likely to eat the cheetos--and far more likely to feel like shit about it afterwords.

My weight has fluctuated a bit; I lost about eight pounds for a while, and then gained it back again (birth control pills might be playing a role here). We'll see what happens. Two other things have changed. One, I managed to get Charlie to go to the gym with me. This was a VERY. BIG. DEAL. Trust me. So that, with any luck, will be a more frequent occurrence over the next few weeks until we are hiking in the mountains more. Secondly, I've come to realize that some of the food I eat regularly doesn't make me feel very good.

I know I've told you all before that I ate a no sugar and no white flour diet for about three years. I also weighed and measured all my food during that time, down to the tenth of the ounce. I was a bit of a nut-job while doing this; if I had an extra baby carrot or accidentally ate some gravy (gravy has white flour in it, you know) I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. So, while I lost a butt load of weight, I was crazy and miserable.

I did, however, feel great physically. I had more energy and slept better and generally had more... I don't know, just MORE. So, inspired by Sarah's not smoking, I'm going to start letting sugar and white flour slowly go from my food. I'm not going to be insane about it, and I am not going to weigh and measure everything again. I'm not going to diet.

Let me say that again; this is not about DIETING. It's about being healthy. I have to remind myself of that. So, on my birthday, I will probably have some cake. And that will be OK. But in general, what I'm going to have in the house is going to be low sugar (fifth or below on the ingredients list, with only one form of sugar total on the list) and whole grain only.

This should be interesting. For me this whole HAES is such a delicate balance; I have to say to myself, sure, OK, I really feel like I NEED the cheetos or I'm going to feel deprived. But do I need the giant bag? Will I feel satisfied if I just get the smaller bag? And then I have to stop for a moment, and just be quiet and listen to myself--really listen--and I tell you what, about 50% of the time, I don't actually need the damn cheetos (or candy bar, or whatever it is) at all. But if I decide I do, it can be the small bag, and the baked kind. It doesn't have to be the large one, ever. Well, someday it might and that will be OK. But it hasn't yet.

But learning to listen to myself when it comes to food, to tune out all the old tapes that are blasting at top volume in my head is HARD, I've got to tell you. First is the "YOU SUCK YOU FAT PIG YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT AGAIN." Then right below that one, just as loud, is "YOU ARE SO PATHETIC YOU WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT WHY FUCKING BOTHER EAT WHATEVER." Under that is one that just says "loserloserloserloserloserloser." There are like sixty more I have to shuffle through before I can dig deep enough to find out what I actually think and feel. Isn't that fucked up? This is what thirty years of dieting and being an American woman have given me. Sheesh.

Anyway, I'm enjoying discovering a different way to be. I still have not yet come to a place of body acceptance, and there is a not-small part of me that is hoping that I'll shake some weight off by giving up the sugar and white flour. But it's not my PRIMARY motivation.

Slow and steady progress, eh? :)

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Speaking of slow and steady, the Tip Jar is doing very well! 2/3 of the way to my plane fare! You guys rock! And will you EVER FORGIVE ME for asking around tax day? Sigh. I should have waited a couple of weeks until you all had your rebate checks. Heh.

Comments

[CTG]

Congrats to Sarah! And much luck to you Cecily with your healthy journey! Spring brings so many great things.

[Heather P.]

I share your food issues, and have a few others of my own. I know exactly what you mean about feeling so much better when you can wean off of sugar and white flour! My Fibromyalgia is so much easier to deal with when I can do that, but it is so hard. I have found a blogger who offers plenty of tips, and recipes for doing this-http://www.thenourishinggourmet.com/
Good luck with this journey.
God Bless,
Heather

[Cathy]

I have also been experimenting with eating more whole grains, etc. I am not dieting, just expanding my knowledge of cooking and trying new foods to see what I like. Heidi Swanson's website, www.101cookbooks.com, has lots of interesting whole grain recipes. I especially recommend the pancakes! I checked her cookbook, Super Natural Cooking, out of the library and enjoyed reading about her philosophy for choosing foods. My kids like the stuff I've made from her recipes because it tastes good. You can sign up to receive an email when she posts a new recipe. It always comes with a beautiful photograph that makes me want to stop working and cook a delicious and healthy meal!

[Heather P.]

I share your food issues, and have a few others of my own. I know exactly what you mean about feeling so much better when you can wean off of sugar and white flour! My Fibromyalgia is so much easier to deal with when I can do that, but it is so hard. I have found a blogger who offers plenty of tips, and recipes for doing this-http://www.thenourishinggourmet.com/
Good luck with this journey.
God Bless,
Heather

[kate]

Oh, my. What a timely post. I have been thinking a lot about eating lately. I had my gall bladder out this past week, and for the week before that, I had to be on a very strict low-to-no-fat diet, which is fucking IMPOSSIBLE (fat can fuck up your stomach hardcore if you have gallstones, this being the ONLY reason I was submitting myself to this horrid diet).

Anyhow, until my body is all healed and whatnot, I have to stay pretty low fat (gotta let the liver and stomach work out how to digest fat without the aid of the gall bladder). And sickeningly, I've gotten to where I crave no food at all, because I can't eat anything that tastes good, and with the surgery, my appetite has taken a long time to come back. And not that I'd recommend it, but I've been very pleased with the post surgical 10 lb weight loss (and that pleasure is quite sick as well), and have now been pressuring myself to try to keep it off (even sicker). And that SUCKS.

I was doing so good for a while there, eating food that I liked in a reasonable way, really paying attention to when I was hungry, and actually enjoying eating for the first time in my life, and then BOOM. Along comes this crap, and suddenly, I'm back to guilt over every gram of fat that crosses my lips, and every ounce gained back after that loss. And that pisses me off.

Before this latest bad gallstone attack, I had been considering going back on the PCOS diet thing, solely because my PCOS symptoms had been flaring up more than usual, but had decided against it in favor of mental health (diets being, in my opinion, SO BAD for mental health). But now, I find myself back in a place where I wonder whether or not I should be so flippant about food. I mean, genetically, I got the crap hand. Heart troubles, diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, obesity- all of it runs in my family, and I've already got the pre-diabetic issues and the high cholesterol and the obesity- can I really afford to ignore what I eat, or to be so "feh, whatever" about it? I just don't know. It's so hard, and it's so unfair, because it just shouldn't be so hard, you know?

Man, what a timely, timely post...

[manogirl]

Everything you said. (Minus the flour/sugar deal.) It's f-ing hard to be a fat woman in this country and eat what you want. I think...I have some problems with HAES movement, though. I outlined a lot of them in my blog, but the gist of it is this: we have to stop implying that it's only okay to be fat if you eat vegetables and whole grains and exercise. I'm trying to get to a place where I believe that it's just okay to be fat. Point blank. It's hard to not insert food into the fat equation, but I'm trying really hard.

For myself, I've stopped blogging about food. I mean, food in a virtue vs. sin kind of a way. Even when I moved to intuitive eating, I'd constantly be saying things like, "Now that I can eat cookies, I don't want them. I want *insert healthy food here*." I've stopped saying things like, "I craved Ice Cream today, so I ate it. And that's okay!" Because I'm done justifying my size to anyone, and no matter how you slice it, it seems to me that we're still being asked to justify with IE. We're being asked to somehow figure out what it is we want to eat every second of every day--and dude, I have more important things to think about. And even if I did do that (and I did, for a while), I'd constantly want things that aren't in the house.

There's this delicate balance between being mindful and obsessing, and I personally think IE pushes very hard towards the latter. I try to practice the former without going overboard. Most of the time, I call it "just eating". Meaning most meals, I just eat. I don't try to figure out if it's what I really, really want, and at the same time, I'm mindful of being full and balancing. I don't mindlessly eat, but I don't overthink it, either. It's damn hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn.

All this is just to say: you're right. It's all damn hard to figure out with society yelling at us because we take up space. It's so hard.

[jenn]

I, too, have been trying the HAES. Body image is, and has always been, my biggest hang-up. I can't begin to tell you how many opportunities I've let slide by because I was "feeling fat/ugly" or didn't have anything cute to wear. I had an Oh, Grow Up Already Moment a few months ago, and decided to try switching my attitude first before committing to any kind of new eating plan. White sugar and white flour are the last frontier. I am ridiculously scared to let them go...feels like letting go of a security blanket that has made me feel better (only to eventually make me feel much, much worse) time and time again. Fucked up? Why, yes, I am thankyouverymuch.

[Sheri]

oh yes.... the voices in the head.... They suck don't they?

3 weeks ago, Gary & I switched to eating our big meal at lunch, instead of at dinner and he's lost 21 pounds and I've lost 13. We also are doing a Slim-fast shake (love them!!) with broth based soup and fruit at dinner. Breakfast is normal...eggs, oatmeal etc. I like eating this way. I haven't had heartburn at night since we changed.

Let's get healthy & fit together! Do you still do the century club?

[Lawmommy]

Cecily,

Thank you for posting about this. I was thin person until my son was born (8 years ago), and then my thyroid went to crap, and for the past 8 years I have struggled with some kind of endocrine problem that 3 endocrinologists can't figure out. And sometimes I just want to throw in the towel on exercising and eating healthy, because "f**k this, I'm still going to be a size 18 and why should I bother to eat broccoli then?" and I know that's not healthy...

So, thank you for posting this heas information, because I really needed to read it.

Gretchen

[Arian]

I will say that with my diagnosis of PCOS everything I read said that if I cut out white flour and sugars I would do better on the medicines and my body would respond better as far as cycling.

My body responded so much better in every way though and so did hubby's! We didn't go crazy either with it so we never felt like we were dieting. We just bought whole wheat grains and pastas (pastas only once or twice a week) and we started to focus on the perimeter of the grocery store. We both felt fantastic and once you get a set of "regular" groceries that you like and buy often you don't notice. I buy soups for my snacks a lot now and I also get whole wheat crackers with cheese and turkey for us to snack on if we really need something carby.

If you want any ideas lemme know. I have a lot of kid friendly things too that might help with tori so you aren't shopping in two baskets!

Oh yeah and when I'm doing really good with all my sugar stuff....my migraines are at their lowest....just a thought....

[JuliaKB]

I much prefer the meaning of "diet" that is "lifestyle with regard to food," i.e. the types of foods one typically eats, rather than the meaning of "temporary change to eating habits with the goal of loosing weight."

Sugar and flower are also not exactly friendly with sugar and flour. They are allowed in the house, because I occasionally cook with them, but it has been years since they made up any significant part of my diet (in the first sense above). Feel much better and it is now really a way of life. Hope it sticks for you too, but only because you have ahistory of it making you feel better.

[JuliaKB]

Can you tell I have been up since 5 am? That should've been "I am also not exactly friendly with sugar and flour." Urgh.

[Kathleen]

Wow. I love your description of all of the voices you have to sort through to understand what you really feel and think. I so relate and just have never thought about it that way. All of my internal messages, thoughts, voices are so muddled but they are always there. I will start paying more attention. Thank you, as usual, for being so open and honest.

[Jen_nifer]

I don't often get through all of your comments, so this may have been mentioned before. Do you think you might have a gluten intolerance? I read the book Gluten Free Girl a few weeks ago (a blogger turned book author) and your statement "I did, however, feel great physically. I had more energy and slept better and generally had more... I don't know, just MORE." sounded so much like a couple of revelations she had in her book.

I could be totally off-base here, just wanted to throw it out there.

[carmie]

Good for you! HAES is one of the few lifestyle movements I've run across that actually seems realistic for normal Americans.

I hope your small dietary changes will help your migraines. Those suck :(

[Jessica]

Recently I switched from the Weight Watchers flex plan to the core plan and it has made a difference in the way I'm thinking about food. This time around losing the baby weight and infertility drug weight and the being-in-my-30s-and-still-eating-like-a-teenager- weight (left over from three years ago) I am also having that famine feeling. Counting up the points made me feel depressed and deprived and LIMITED. And I didn't realize it was making me feel that way until I switched to Core. Since then I've been on the whole grains, fruits, veggies, etc. without being limited by points. It's a much healthier way to eat. And also, you get five extra points a day for things like Cheetos or chocolate or cake.

[Sarah]

You are such an inspiration.

[liz]

I love hearing how other people are doing listening to what they need and want.

And hooray for Sarah!!!

[Janice]

Years ago my Mom can up with the white food theory for herself, way back before the new diets etc. Her weight was a constant struggle but she found that she felt better, didn't have her migraines as often, and also lost weight in the process. Don't be surprized if you migraines subside! Wouldn't that be awesome! Don't think of it as a diet, but headache relief!

[rachel]

I have said this before, whether it is over eating or under eating or binging-it is all the same. I hear you. I am just trying to really figure out this healthy eating thing for myself. I am learning how to listen and not to deny or not to use food to control. I just started doing no gluten or no sugar. I allow natural sugars but that is it. I also allow a 10% EAT WHATEVER I CRAVE. If I use it great..if not well then. For example, the hubby and I love tomato pie with no cheese-this is a treat for me but about once a month or when I feel that I can eat it without beating myself up. Good luck with your new ways.

[Beth]

I delurked at Sarah's to cheer her on. Quitting smoking was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It's been almost ten years and it isn't hard anymore. Unlike controlling my weight which is a constant struggle. Funny that.

Oh, well. GO SARAH!!!

[Leta]

An old boyfriend (partner? the live-in variety, anyway) had migraines so intense that they crushed MY soul. He used to get shots of morphine during his migraines, which he described as "taking the edge off". Anyhoo, despite the nincompoop doctors saying that lifestyle wasn't a part of his problem, he totally had food triggers. Every time he ate Cheese Nips and drank Faygo (which was often, this was his favorite snack, and no, he wasn't six), he ended up in the emergency room.

I think you are pretty far ahead of the game, because it sounds like you have a good diet, to whereas his was crap, and I think that the no white stuff diet is probably one of the healthier options for most people, I just wanted to insert a whisper soft word of caution. Whenever we change our eating patterns, we expose ourselves to new/different foods/possible triggers. Just trying to give you one more thing to think about, because you totally need it, clearly. (*please read with toungue firmly in cheek*)

The internet is pulling for you, Cecily.

[AmyinMotown]

What a good post. Since I had my little dude, I've been working on eating well and exercising but not in a punitive or restrictive way, but in a "I have a lot to live for and I don't want to die of diabetes or a heart attack when my kids are young" kind of way. We've started going to the Y (they have child care. I cannot express the wonderfulness of this) and I told my husband that for once, I am not letting myself get hung up on the number on the scale, because I always do that and then when the weight doesn't budge (fucking PCOS) I lose motivation. This time, it's all about strength, stamina and energy (and, OK, not regaining the 17 lbs. I lost when I had the baby, yes I still have far to go to be a grownup).

And GO SARAH. I will go delurk over on her blog but quitting smoking was like the hardest thing ever.

[Rachel]

I think that your attitude about weight is so inspirational. I dream of someday being about to eat without fear or shame. I have an eating disorder that colors every part of my life, and actually has ruined my life in a way. Starvation is its own kind of addiction, the way the body's chemicals go haywire is its own kind of powerful high. I am so behind the size acceptance movement. I understand in my rational mind that size and weight are just meaningless numbers. I think all women are beautiful. And the most amazing and beautiful thing in the world is self-acceptance. Maybe someday I will learn how to apply these values to myself. But who knows? This is my addiction and how does the song go? Every junkie's like a setting sun?
Please keep writing about this.

[Alex]

I was, I admit it, tempted to ask the question jen nifer asked above (about gluten tolerance), partly because it's a question I ask myself (though I have tested negative for the antibodies that are the preliminary diagnosis for celiac disease, I find I feel better when I'm gluten-free or low-gluten; I'm currently the latter; being the former is hard work). I will say, if you are interested in this, that whole grain is (unfortunately) not the solution for that particular approach.

However, if you are eating wheat and are cooking from scratch, I recently tried and liked "white whole wheat flour," which as I understand it is a different type of wheat (white rather than red) but equally whole grain. You can taste the difference in, e.g., homemade chocolate chip cookies, but I think it is not worse (or better), just different. Maybe also good for things you make for Tori, if applicable. On the other hand, does anyone actually cook from scratch anymore? Maybe not.

Oh, and go Sarah (speaking as the wife of a much-loved smoker here...)!