High School Memories

One of the major casualties of my years of drug and alcohol abuse, particularly the overdose that got me sober (my overdose was similar to a stroke), is my memories of high school. Other than my closest friends, I have a difficult time remembering any of the folks that were not a part of my immediate circle--much to the frustration of the people that remember me (since I was the only girl in school with pink hair, more remember me than you'd think). This is very frustrating, particularly when I run into someone from high school and can't remember them, even while they yell at me, "But I sat behind you in English for four years!"

But as I've healed from the years of debauchery and addiction, my brain has also healed a bit, and I can often trigger memories of people by seeing their photos from my yearbooks (sadly, I do not actually have a yearbook; I did, but some roommates of mine through out all my stuff, but that's another story. Luckily, I have Katie, who is astonishingly willing to scan images from her yearbook and email them to me).

Since I don't actually live in the town where I went to high school any more, these embarrassing incidents of my not remembering people are few and far between (but becoming a bit more common thanks to social networking websites like Myspace and Facebook). But I'm in touch with high school friends enough that still I get to hear the good gossip, and one of those juicy bits of gossip I heard a couple of years ago was about my former arch-nemesis, a football player named Americ Joslin.

Now, not everyone is lucky enough to actually HAVE a real-life arch-nemesis like I did. But, oh, I did--I really did. Americ was all the things I hated about guys in high school in the 80's: a football player, a preppy kid, rich, and worst of all, a huge fan of our President at the time, Ronald Reagan.

Needless to say, I was NOT a Reagan fan.

Americ just had it in for me. We had a huge amount of classes together, particularly the ones I actually liked and occasionally managed to attend. He would pick a fight with me every day. Seriously, every day. In Driver's Ed, he'd wax eloquently about how women are terrible drivers. In English, if I pointed out the sexism of the literature we were reading, he'd call me a dirty feminist (like I minded) and talk about how men were better anyway, so OF COURSE the readings should be sexist. Don't even get me started about classes like History or Economics.

It was bad. Our hatred of each other was rather legendary, and I am sure our teachers despised us. In a way, it was almost like having a blog troll following me around all day trying to get my goat. And being young, brash, and easy to incite, he got me going every. single. time.

By senior year we'd settled into an easy patter, and in some ways I actually grew kind of fond of Americ. It was almost better than coffee, arguing with him. It was a fun way to start my day.

A few years ago, Katie told me that he'd gotten into some trouble. He was the owner of a bar, I think, and was caught embezzling money. Plus, he stole his mother's identity and took out a big ol' mortgage in her name. Part of me was a little gleeful about it--he was always such a straight arrow--but most of me was sad. Sad that he'd landed in such a place.

Well, the story gets even worse. Last Wednesday his brother was driving him to the minimum-security prison he was supposed to serve three years in for his crimes, and right before they arrived he asked his brother to pull over so he could pray. Instead of praying, he shot himself in the head.

I find myself full of the familiar anger at Americ. I wish he could come back so I could tell him how stupid a thing to do that was. That he would have been in prison maybe 18 months, and he would have been free and clear after that to try to get better instead of, as another classmate of mine said, finding such a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I mean, his poor brother; can you imagine? God. Plus, he has (had?) a daughter.

There are always reasons to live. This was not a reason to kill yourself.

Americ isn't the first friend I've lost to suicide, not even the first one to use a gun. It makes me so fucking angry, and sad.

My heart and my prayers go out to his family. Rest in peace, Americ.

Comments

[melissa]

1.

Aw, fuck. (that's as far as I can get).

[CTG]

2.

So sad. I hope he has found the peace that he didn't find here. Prayers with his family and friends for sure.

[Celeste]

3.

If it's any comfort, LOTS of people have an impossible time with remembering details from so long ago. I went to my 20th reunion and so many people remembered me, and I had zero for them. Peoples' looks change SO much in some cases, too. Don't beat yourself up on that account.

How sad about Americ, though. It's hard to understand the thought process. It could just be that with his views on women, and possible homophobia that typically goes with it, going to jail and possibly being sexually assaulted by a man was something he could not risk. I'm just saying--it's a thought process I (almost) think I can understand.

But maybe he was just thinking along the lines of that Tracy Chapman song..."Done so many things wrong, I don't know if I can do right.". For some, it just feels like there are no amends that can truly be made.

I'm sorry for your loss, Cecily. He's left an Americ-shaped hole in your universe.

[Amie]

4.

I was one of the lucky ones to have such a person in high school as well!! I can only offer my condolences...I really have no words of wisdom for a situation such as this...I'm not sure if I'd feel a loss in the same sense if it were my worst enemy had done the same...I wouldn't feel happy but I'm not sure I'd feel sad....is that wrong?

[Melessa]

5.

I had one of those sparring buds in high school too. I was SO SHY unless he opened his mouth in class. Then you couldn't shut us up-because we were both so quiet otherwise, I like to think the teachers were amused by us. I would be so sad if something like this happened. (And as he is a hugely closeted Southern Baptist boy living in Oklahoma, I fear it will. It is what one of our star football players did for similar reasons.) I'm so sorry to read this.

[Tyanne]

6.

I am so sorry about your friend. It is a terrible thing. I will pray for his family and yours.
Tyanne

[Anne]

7.

Oh no, that's horrible. I'm so sorry.

I also lost a friend to suicide 5 years ago. He also had three children, and he was a really involved, loving, great dad. Although I can sort of understand the reasons why he chose to end his life, I will never, ever understand how someone could voluntarily leave their children. I can be sympathetic for how they feel but I just can't wrap my heart around that decision...

[RainbowW]

8.

Icky story.

Sadly, I remember high school. I wish I could forget, because I had the sort of high school experience that breeds students who go on shooting rampages. Every time that kind of thing happens, I'm sort of at odds with other people around me -- it's not that I approve of that sort of thing, but I know exactly where it comes from. The only difference between me and those kids was that I didn't have easy access to a gun (and I couldn't swing a bat for shit, or I'd still be in prison for beating the crap out of the kid who pissed in my locker).

[Cetta]

9.

How awful. It's heartbreaking.

You and I seem to have led almost parallel lives in many ways. I think we're the same age - I have alcoholism and abuse in my past and (drumroll) *I* was the girl with pink hair in my class :-)

Funny that I found your blog, huh?

[watercolor]

10.

When I have felt most hopeless, what has kept me going is knowing that ending my life would shred so many more. And I cannot inflict that much pain on anyone. I just don't have it in me. And you are right, there are always reasons to live. Some days, I am not sure what they are but I always know that tomorrow, after a good night's sleep, I'll find one. Or seventy. Prayers ascending for him and his family and friends.

[julia]

11.

Having just had a bizarre high-school run in myself, I can relate. It's sad - very sad - but it also confirms our ability to see humanity in everyone... even our archnemises.

Also - I LOVE the new digs. Seriously. LOVE that photo.

[ktpupp]

12.

Wow, what a nice tribute to Americ... I know you guys were never pals back in school, and I never really got along with him either, but what happened to him (what he did to himself) was tragic and senseless. It's a shame whenever someone feels so hopeless that they think taking their life is the only answer. I feel so sad for his family and loved ones. I'm sure they knew a different Americ than we did, and that loss will leave a big hole in their lives.

[Heather P.]

13.

Cecily, what a great tribute.
Sadly I can only remember the wretched way that I treated people during high school. I was horrid and sober. Honey once you get to your late thirties and actually have a life, so much other crap gets clogged up in the brain that memories get pushed out.

[Anne]

14.

Put me in with the group that doesn't remember many of my classmates. I went to my 20 year over the summer and only recognized a few people and most of those where the people I had gone to school with since the 3rd grade. But I've got an excuse, I was a Jr. year transfer (kicked of Catholic school) so I only knew a small percentage of my classmates. And of the group I hung with only a handful made it to the reunion (losers I wanted to see if my old crush was still hot).

Just before my 10 year reunion I lost a friend to suicide, such a fucking waste.

[Chickenpig]

15.

Reading this story a part of me wondered if Americ had a bit of a crush on you. My sister had a very similar relationship with a boy in her class, and years later he drunkenly admitted to holding a torch for my sister for years, feelings which he couldn't act on because she was poor, didn't wear the 'right' clothes, and was never concerned about fitting in. Maybe the verbal sparring was Americ's more mature version of pulling your pigtails and putting a frog on your seat? Anyway, it is very sad that the two of you never got to talk at a reunion or something and have a good laugh about old times :( Suicide is such a waste.

I remember no one from High School. My husband and I were in the same class, and I only had the dimmest of memories of standing behind him in line at an assembly, and the vague impression that he wore nice clothes and was very quiet. Unlike yourself, my husband and I only live about 1/2 hr from our home town, and we see former classmates around constantly...and I never know who they are. I was the most boring teenager ever, I never touched drugs or alcohol in high school, so I don't know what my excuse is. (except that I lived along the fringe getting good grades and avoiding ppl)

[Mental P Mama]

16.

Cecily--what a magnanimous tribute. Such sorrow in this world... But, on a happy note, the new masthead is the absolute best!

[Val]

17.

Dang, he probably did not think he could live with the guilt of stealing his own mom's identity. I feel bad for his family because they probably had to (a) turn him in and (b) believe that their son/brother's life is worth more than a 100 grand.

[Mel]

18.

If it's any consolation, I spent high school sober and I don't remember people that remember me....

Sorry to hear about Americ. I'm sorry he didn't get the chance to find out the overwhelming pain CAN be relieved.

[chrystal]

19.

What a lovely tribute for your sparring partner.

I was going to have a funny comment about how that first trolling prepared you for your current blogging. But the story took a horrible turn. I'm sorry he felt that was his only option.

[Jen]

20.

Having lost many friends through suicide, it always amazes me at the reasons. My husband was recently suicidal and it's taken a good four months to get him to a spot where we aren't worried that if he is home alone that he would do something to himself. And I just thank him every day that he called instead of acting upon the suicidal thoughts he was having. I'm sorry that Americ couldn't find a reason to live. It is still , I believe, one of the most selfish decisions a person can make, but that kind of pain is really hard to cope with. I'm sorry for your loss and his families loss.

[mijk]

21.

I had this friend from when I was seven till 18 who was with me in almost all my classes and who I so competed with. We were both smart and opinonated and we lvoed to quarrel and I so wanted my grades to be better then his.. I was studying for two months when he ended up in in mental health institute. He has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and it just sucks. He is supposed to give me comeptition... Some how your story brought it all up. Having a good sparring partner is in someways even better then a good friend in those years.

[Katie J]

22.

A very close family member took his life with a gunshot and it is devastating. I didn't even know him and I'm pissed at him as well. I know what his family is coping with and I feel terrible for them.

[Cristina]

23.

I am sorry. Suicide, no matter how it touches you, being a close friend, or an old school buddy, hits the heart. I also think that those of us that have hard trials in our lives, take it even harder, as that was never a way out for us. We learned to deal & cope, & live with the pain. Thinking of you.

[alley]

24.

I've always thought that suicide is the perfect intersection of depseration and selfishness. It ends what ever the person is goign through, and leaves a collosal mess for those who loved them the most.

That being said, There was a time that I probably would have done it, if I had had access to something that I knew wopuld kill me, I would have done it. Looking back, Thank god that my dad didn't keep weapons or strong drugs in the house.

Funny thing is, I started blogging, and jsut expressing what was going on seemed to help me clarify my head.

Sorry about your nemisis though, its always a shock when someone my age dies. I don't think it will ever stop.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

25.

I remember the high school stuff that went on in my tiny circle of friends in excruciating detail, but anything else is just gone from this old brain! So you're not alone (as you've seen by other posts).

I'm sorry for Americ's sad end. He sounds like he was a very proud person (not that he had earned that, just that he was) and perhaps the shame was too much for him. Very sad.

[G-mom]

26.

His emotional issues probably ran a lot deeper than some will ever know. Someone I grew up with shot himself in front of his son....why? His son is my daughters age and drugs and AIDS are ruining his life, if you can call it that. He was 10 when his dad did that to him.

[Harry]

27.

I still live in East Lansing, and remember Americ from both Middle School and High School. I was (and still am) kind of a geek, and until 8th or 9th grade was a prime target for all kinds of BS from both him and his friends. At some point in high school, we both matured and went our separate ways--he probably considered me beneath picking on by that point--though we would still exchange an occasional 'hello' or nod of acknowledgement walking through the hallways of East Lansing High School. I graduated thinking of him as a decent enough person, though not one I had spent much time with--he and his friends were football players, whereas I and my friends hung out after school copying games on our Commodore 64 computers.

What happened to Americ is terrible and makes me incredibly sad. I remember he hosted one of the events for our 20th HS reunion at his bar in East Lansing, not even 3 years ago. A product of upper class suburbia circa 1985, Americ must have been driven by a need for success. More significantly, he must have been driven by a need for the appearance of success. And so when his businesses started failing, he dug himself into a deeper and deeper hole, until he was so trapped, and his problems became so public, he must have felt there was no way out. We've all been there, and while Americ got himself into worse shape than most, I really wish he could have somehow found the strength to go on.

I had read about his problems here and there, so when I saw his picture in the obituary section of the Lansing State Journal last Friday, I knew what had happened even before reading the article about the suicide. My memory of Americ is about the same as Cecily's--a handsome, cocky, rich Republican football player. Which is what makes how he died--alone, without hope, bankrupt, in a ditch outside a federal prison far from home--all the more sad for me. I wish he could have swallowed his pride and walked away from his businesses before getting into so much trouble. And I hope his family and friends are able to heal and go on with their lives, and that they know they are not alone in their sorrow, though we may mourn Americ from a distance.

I am not a Christian, but do consider myself spiritual, and my sincerest wish is that Americ's troubled soul has escaped to a happier place, where he is scoring a touchdown at a football game, or scoring on a date with a blond bombshell girlfriend, reliving better days. RIP Americ.

[Clare]

28.

I don't know if you remember me, but I also graduated with you. I'd known Americ since 6th grade, and found your blog while I was searching for more details on his death. This was a nice tribute. I was shocked when I first heard the choices he made in his life, but this is just sad. His family must be devastated.

[JuliaKB]

29.

Oh, jeez... I am sorry.

[Kristina Porter]

30.

I loved your Americ story! Thats so him I'm glad i found it. I am the mother of his daughter. My name is Kristina Porter, it was a tragedy none of us understand it. Thanks for the fun memeory you had of him.

[Anonymous]

31.

Thanks for taking the time to write about Americ. I knew him in college and was saddened by his recent troubles. I thought he'd find his way and would come out of this stronger and wiser. We all make mistakes, for most of us though, they aren't publicized for the world to see.

I am shocked and incredibly upset that he felt that such a permanent solution was the only way out for him. My heart grieves for his friends and family.

[thetwins]

32.

AMERIC WAS ALSO A FRIEND TO ME. HIS SARCASM AND HUMOR WERE DEFINETLY ONE OF A KIND. I COULD PICTURE EVERYTHING YOU JUST WROTE ABOUT AND PICTURE HIM DOING THAT AND IT MAKES ME LAUGH. HE HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS AND I AGREE THAT SUICIDE WAS NOT THE ANSWER. I WAS WITH HIM THE DAY BEFORE HE LEFT. HE SEEMED A LITTLE OUT OF IT BUT WE SHARED HIS FAVORITE CHINESE TAKE OUT WE MANAGED TO EAT EVERY OTHER NIGHT. PART OF ME WISHES I COULD TRY TO TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME AND TRY TO TALK TO HIM OUT OF IT. I CAN ONLY WISH. THE WISDOM AND ADVICE THAT HE SHARED WITH ME WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AND HE WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. I THINK AMERIC WOULD HAVE LOVED TO BE READING THIS!

[colin galvin]

33.

Americ, his brother Pat and myself all were roommates at Northwood. His father was in the car business and my dad was a car dealer in Chicago. What i knew about Americ was he was a good friend.

I remember when weekends would come he would drive to Dooleys in East Lansing to bounce at the bar there. Sometimes he was a bouncer in Saginaw at a club i forget the name of. His parents didnt agree with his career path but that didnt deter him.

I remember Americ as always being the one to cheer you up when you were down.

His brother Pat and he had the back room in our apartment in the Village. Their room was always a mess with clothes all over the floor. I remember the Pontiac Phoenix he and his brother drove back and forth to school. I know a lot of people say rich and spoiled but i dont think Americ and Pat were spoiled in the least bit.

I think they were both motivated individuals that strived to succeed even when others didnt necessarily support them in their endeavors.

I read tonite with shock the tragedy that has struck the Joslin family. I am really sorry if Americ only knew how many peoples lives he touched he may have chosen a different path.

Pat i am sorry about your loss and Mr and Mrs Joslin i am sorry to you as well.

Your families and loved ones are in my prayers always.