MotherTalk Blogging Book Tour: Only Child

Today as part of MotherTalk's blogging book tours I'm reviewing the book Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo. I thought I'd be a good candidate to review this book since I am an only child, married to an only child, and the parent of an only child.

Interestingly, however, Charlie, Tori and I are actually only children technically and by default. I have three younger half-siblings that I didn't meet until I was 18 and wasn't (obviously) raised with, Charlie had an older sister that lived for only a few days (whom Tori is named after, and was a victim of thalidomide) and Tori, of course, has her two older brothers who didn't survive.

However, we all grew up alone (Tori is currently), without siblings, as the sole bearers of our parents love and mistakes.

This book is a collection of essays by writers who are also only children. Most are "true" only children, although a few are children that lost siblings. The vast majority were raised by two parents that were financially very well off. The essays seem to be split fairly evenly between those that wanted siblings and those that didn't.

I wasn't able to quite bring myself to finish the book. Why? Well, frankly, I wasn't finding myself in these stories at all. Many mentions were made of the "triangle" being one of the most stable shapes (a child and two parents) and frankly, as an only child raised by a single mother (I only found one story, the essay by Amy Richards, about being raised by a single parent), well, what does that make me family? A straight line? A pole?

While the essays are all compelling and well written, they all have a kind of similarity that didn't bear any resemblance to my life at all: the oppressive and omnipotent parents that you became overly enmeshed with. Well, my mother was too busy scraping together a living and trying to find a way for us to survive for us to become truly enmeshed (not that we didn't try).

For me, while being an only child was a major factor of my childhood, I'm not sure it was THE major defining factor. Honestly, I didn't have much in the way of toys to gloat about not having to share, you know? We were just too poor. I'm not sure that it impacted my adulthood more than the poverty did. Or not having a television did. Or not having a father did.

The one thing I remember about being an only child is having imaginary friends, friends that were with me right up until I was 12 or 13 (and not having a television probably had an influence there too). And only one essay I read mentioned imaginary friends, and that made me sad--I thought all us onlys had those.

If you were an only child raised by two parents--particularly if you were raised in New York City (this book is VERY heavy on NYC only kids), you might enjoy this book more than I did. Otherwise, I think I might skip it if your only child experience was more like mine. If I wasn't planning on donating my copy to my local library, I would hold on to it for Tori, though; I could see her getting just a tad enmeshed with us... :)

Comments

[Lisa]

I'm surprised more mention wasn't made of imaginary friends -- both me and my boyfriend are oldest children and we both had imaginary friends (well my boyfriend used to talk to the "boy in the oven" -- does that count?). I think it's a pretty common occurrence for only children.

[Eva]

I'm an only child and daughter of a single mother, raised mostly in the south. For what it's worth, I don't recall having imaginary friends, but I was really into my pets. And I had the overbearing, overly-enmeshed thing only because we lived with my grandparents.

I am always very curious about sibling relationships. My husband has two, and all my friends have siblings, and I just don't understand that kind of relationship at all. Is it like being friends? Cousins? Schoolmates? But no. It's something else, and since I'm grown now and my parents have partnered with people who don't have or want children, I'll just never find out.

I didn't really mind being an only growing up. I certainly got all the attention and resources available. But I always wanted a baby from an early age, and maybe that was related somehow to my being an only child. B if my child ends up an only I don't think it is necessarily the bad thing so many seem to think it is. I had a fine time (we also didn't have a TV) and learned very well how to entertain myself. Nothing wrong with that!

[Robin]

I'm kinda/not really only child, too. I'm my mother's only child, but we lived with my grandparents for most of my childhood. My mother's youngest sister, 7 years older than me, was like a big sister to me growing up. Also, I have 3 younger half siblings on my father's side. Who I have yet to meet. I never felt like the sad, lonely only child nor the over-induldged spoiled brat. So, I knew how to share and that I wasn't the most important person in the world. Also, the Flintstones were my imaginary friends.

[Essie]

Eva,
There is definitely something special about siblings, but truth be told, I am closer to my best friend than I am to my sister. I am not particularly close to any of my cousins, but I know people who are. So it really varies. I am a firm believer that DNA does not make a family; in both directions. My aunt & uncle adopted 3 children and we all love them just as much as the biological members of the family. On the opposite spectrum, my bio Dad was just a sperm donor, having abandoned his 4 children when we were young.

[Mental P Mama]

You should write a book... I had siblings AND imaginary friends. Still do. heh

[family4peace]

I so enjoy your blog. Keep writing!!

[Juanita]

Having imaginary friends doesn't have anything to do with being an only child in my opinion. I had them and I have two brothers.

[MelG-F]

I'm so glad you mentioned imaginary friends. As an only until 8.5 (when my sister was born -- I think I have 2 half-siblings that I have never met) I had a whole imaginary family tree -- my mom's (also an only) twin, my twin sister, my twin cousins (see an obsession with twins??? My grandmother has a real-life one.) My imaginary friends were with me until 10 or 11, when I began to write short stories. Then they found their way into print.

[Holly]

I have one older sister and I always hated her. Even now we don't get along very well. So I don't think any parents of only children should feel guilty. I wished to be an only child thousands of times!
I think if I have children I will try to avoid having 2. I think the rivalry between me and my sister was intensified by it just being the two of us. There was too much of a basis for comparison, whereas with at least one more sibling there would be more room to be individuals rather that focusing on how you are chalk and cheese to one another.

[spaceranger]

I also am an only child, my mom raised me by herself, and we were damn poor. I find it interesting that people almost always assume that because I am a female only child to a single mom that my mom and I must be super-duper close. No one seems to realize that our financial situation had potential to get in the way of us becoming super-duper close. My mom wasn't around a lot because kids have to eat *every day*, and kids keep growing and needing new clothes all the damn time, and that all takes money, which is hard to earn when you are hanging out with your kid.

[illahee]

while reading this post, i started thinking maybe you should edit/write for a book of essays on singleton families, with more variety. just a thought. :)

[Jessica]

I was an only child for 14 years, so my sister and I are BOTH sort of only children. I was also the only grandchild and great-grandchild for 14 years. Yes, I enjoy being the center of attention VERY MUCH thank you!

I had an imaginary younger brother when I was a kid, though, AND an imaginary husband. Who was unemployed. I don't know.

[Chickenpig]

My cousin is an only child of two parents, and boy, were my siblings and I jealous growing up. There were three of us with my mom living off of her paltry income.We ate a lot of government issued cheese and powdered milk, and there were lots of nights where my mother sat with us, but didn't eat. My cousin, on the other hand, was "enmeshed" to the core...and still is. She has had every whim and desire fulfilled since she was an infant, and not always for her best interest, either (when she was picked on at school she got to stay home "sick", she didn't have to go to the doctor, ever, or the dentist because she was scared). Everything that my cousin did just about she did with a parent, like when she took riding lessons my aunt did too. Somehow my cousin has managed to grow up to be a normal and decent young woman...but I don't know how.

[SusieJ]

Because it would have been so hard to find people whose parents had divorced in the 70s?

I grew up only (as did my half sister) and my parents were both only children. It probably exacerbated my natural introversion. I did not want j to be an only child and have my growing-up experience, but J didn't want to take a chance with another child, and have HIS growing-up experience. So, because I'm TIRED, j will be an only child.

[Leta]

I have a younger brother who I absolutely adore, but I must say that sibling relationships are often horribly complicated. DNA or not, if you are raised with someone, they've got your number in a way nobody else does.

I think our particular situation is also predicated on the fact that both my parents come from big boomer families- my dad is one of 6 and my mom is one of 5. They both have same as well as opposite sex siblings. There's always infighting and alliances and rivalries- it's all very "Survivor"-like.

I don't have the privelege of fighting with my brother. If he and I aren't getting along, I have no other siblings to turn to. And for me, being on the outs with my brother is awful- it affects me way worse than fighting with my parents.

[draadje]

I'm an only child, and I had lots of imaginary friends.

I never really minded being an only child, I didn't ever feel lonely.

The thing that struck me about sibling relationships are that they take a long time to become stable, if ever. My cousins fought until their 20s, and still do at times. My mother's siblings were always fighting, and my dad was never close to his siblings. I don't know how many children I'm going to have, but if it is only one, I won't feel guilty.

[Libby]

My soon to be 11 year old only still talks to all sorts of imaginary friends. Not as much as she did a couple years ago, but often enough.

Leta is correct on siblings having your number like no one else. No one can push my buttons like my brother, no one. And there is still this funny thing where *I* can make fun of him but if anyone else does, I defend him. That's been going on our whole life.

[christina in mo]

well, what does that make me family? A straight line? A pole?

no your family was not a straight line or a pole. Your family was the curvy line that included some many others.. like an S shape. Notice how the top and bottom of an S almost appears to be enclosing. That is where your family members were located. You and your mom are the top and bottom.. enclosing.. or bringing closer to you.. the people you held dear in your life. Each side also as you may notice, has a portion that juts out as though to push away.
I came at this idea from your sentence. It immediately brought to mind an old cartoon about a period dot and a line. I think it was made in the 60's it had that funky groovy kinda music with a narrator.
anyway.. I hope I wasn't too 'out there' on this one.

[christina in mo]

I was so excited about getting my thoughts down.. I forgot to add this.

My husband and I have two children. Both raised as "onlys". It's kinda strange to have two children thirteen years apart. Our oldest had imaginary friends. The name he gave his friend was one of his cousins names so it was kinda creepy. Our youngest, I'm not sure about. Being a girl she has always had running conversations with her toys and such, so it's hard to tell. Technically my children are not only children because they do have a sibling. Practically speaking, by the time Hannah could relate to her brother, he was a grown man. (well 18 anyway) They do both love each other, just I wonder sometimes if there will be any jealousy, or animosity when they are older. Or if they will even be able to connect with each other because of the age difference.

[Erin]

Hi Christine,

My brother and I are 15 years apart but still very close. We didn't really connect until I was in college, but since then we have been good friends. We get together wehn possible and have a lot in common. I barely speak with my other siblings who are 7 and 8 years older.

Erin

[The Aitch]

I was an only raised by a single mother (who always had a boyfriend around - one who liked to hit her) until she died when I was 12. Then I had to live with my aunt and uncle who had 2 kids and one on the way until I ran away from the abuse at age 16.

I'm all over the place. I'm sure I couldn't relate to anything either. Except during the calm peaceful times with one of my moms steadies, I used to beg her for a little brother or sister I think it was to have someone to share my pain with.

All I know is, I am so glad my girls have each other.

[Lawmommy]

I was an only child until I was 7. And then, suddenly, I had three younger siblings basically overnight (my mom married my step-dad who had three kids), and together they had 2 more right away - so, I went from being an only to being oldest of 6 in about 20 months time. (People in our small town regularly called us The Brady Bunch). (I love those five siblings dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world - we do not use the terms "half" or "step" when referring to eachother.)

The truly weird thing for me was that I am an only child for my DAD...so, I always felt I was straddling two worlds - one where I was oldest of 6, and the other very quiet world of every-other-weekend and every-Wednesday-night, where it was just me and my Dad and wife number 2, 3 or 4...

I guess my point is that, depending on my mood, I think of myself as either part of a HUGE sibling group, or as an ONLY child. Kind of a szizophrenic (sp?) existence I guess...I might take a peek at the book.

Gretchen

[Antigone]

Off my reading list!

[KidKate]

My husband and I talk about this all the time. We are both only children as well (though I got a step-brother when I was 12)--he the product of divorce, me having never met my biological father--and we now have a six-month-old. Both growing up with a one-parent, one-child dynamic, we wonder about having any more, mostly because of our own fragile sanity. But since we plan to stay married (heh) and we are not lacking for money in the way our own parents were, I suppose our daughter would grow up more like the children in the book, which is really not the way either of us grew up at all. Food for thought for sure.