One of Those Annoying Mothering Confessions

So, I've become a yeller.

This is the last thing I want to be. It's not like I have a family history of it either; my mom faced plenty of hurdles raising me and I have to say, I have no memories of her yelling much until I was a teenager (then, alas, said yelling was sadly deserved). But me? I yell. I yell at Tori constantly.

And I hate myself for it.

Plus, it's completely ineffective.

Even as I type this I want to explain myself, and blame Tori--blame her spirited ways (and yes, before eight million people say it, I will get that book), her challenging sheer physicality, her incredible curiosity, and her grabby grabby grabbiness (a couple of days ago she climbed up onto a dining room chair, onto the table, found the salt shaker, and salted the entire first floor. Then danced in it). I want to throw up my hands and say, "It's not my fault! I just don't know what else to do!"

But I don't want to keep doing it, and, like I said, IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK.

The underlying issue is fear, of course. Tori has now not once, not twice, but three times run into the street. She is very fast, refuses to hold our hands (she cries and lies down if we try) and when carried lunges about so strongly that both Charlie and I think we have concussions from being head butted. So if we are walking to the playground (a mere block away), we have to try to herd her to keep her out of the street. And if we come to a driveway, she sees the downhill slope and is all like WHEE! and runs right down it into the street. Honestly, I don't think it should require the full attention of two adults to walk a toddler a block.

But see, I'm doing it again, I'm explaining how it's Tori's fault, her over exuberant behavior that causes both me and Charlie to frequently exclaim "TORI! NO!" at top volume. Tori's reaction? About 50% of the time, she turns around to see what the excitement is all about.

Gah.

This whole thing is made to seem even worse by our wonderful neighbors who have a boy about six months older than Tori that Tori loves to play with.  We spend a fair amount of time either in our front yards or in their back yard. These neighbors never yell. They admonish their son gently and with love and he responds to it every single time. Even though they just had a second baby, they still never raise their voices. Admittedly, when they gently admonish Tori, she completely fucking ignores them the same way she completely fucking ignores us. 

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I'm asking for advice here; in fact, let's just say I'm not, that instead I'd prefer sympathy and empathy. Right now advice would feel a bit too much like punishment (I'm having a sensitive day, what can I say--I just stopped taking birth control pills so my hormones are whacked and I'm turning 40 Saturday!).

I will say that whole "talk to your toddler like a Neanderthal" thing does work with Tori occasionally. Using short word combinations I know she knows and looking her dead in the eye can get her to respond (mostly "No kick Mommy!" and "Slide? Playground? Eat lunch!" that sort of thing). But even that is useless in communicating to her that if she runs into the street when a car is coming... I can't even think about it.

My options seem to be to restrict her further--like not allow her on the front lawn unless we fence it in (which NO ONE in our neighborhood does, I'm sure it would NOT go over well), put her on a damned leash, or just not go outside. I could put her in the stroller to walk the block to the park except the only thing she hates more than holding my hand is the stroller (plus, the whole point is to get her to exercise, and walking is good for her!).

Damn it. I just want my daughter to be safe, and that's why I yell, because she terrifies me with her fearlessness and bravery and curiosity.  But the yelling is just increasing MY anxiety and not improving her behavior, so it's got to go.

Man. Just tell me that this gets easier soon, OK?

Comments

[B]

This is a very difficult age and unfortunately it gets harder. I had to resort to something I never thought I would do - spanking. My 2 year old is going through a hitting, biting, and kicking stage. We warn him once that if he does it again, he will get a spanking. So far, it's worked. We obviously don't spank him hard - he's more insulted than anything. Just a thought. It might not be right for your family and that's perfectly ok. But my son wouldn't respond to the quiet discipline either. I tried EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, this is the only thing that works. Each kid is different and you have to find out what's right for your family. Just make sure you're both consistant in what you decide to do.

[Sherry]

Oh Cec...this one hits close to home, BIG TIME.

My twins are nearly 3, and we're JUST getting to the point where they respond regularly to my commands. Granted, every kid is different, and some just do what you say earlier than others, but mine are the definition of spirited. Recently, my husband and I have taken the attitude of do what I say, or get a time out. No yelling, no screaming, brief explaination of the wrongdoing, time out, kiss, make-up and we go about our business. Tantrums and what not are not tolerated, but we don't feed into them anymore by getting upset over them, either. It's hard, but I'll tell you, my blood pressure thanks me for it.

As for the walking/holding hands/stroller or not thing, we've been wrestling with this for a while, too. My kids are NOT ready to just walk by themselves almost anywhere, and I don't let them. The mall, parking lots, sidewalks are not places for my kids, and so we use a wagon or stroller to keep them corralled. Some places (for some reason Lowe's is the one place they walk with me...BJ's too) we allow it, but mostly when there are two adults or two parents around to help.

It does get easier, I suppose, but other challenges arise. Good luck!

[shelli]

we JUST started 1,2,3 magic - and it is.

Good book, I'm sure Amazon has it.

Malka's "terrible twos" started when she was, oh, 15 months or so, and has YET to let up, at 28 months.

Good thing she's so damn cute and squishable, or she'd have been toast ages ago.

[becky]

so i keep writing things and they keep coming out advicey-like.

sorry :(

you are not a bad parent. you will find the best way to parent tori because you are the person who knows her best. it may take some experimenting but you'll find it and she will grow up safe and fearless.

i have ideas 'bout the walking if you ever are in the mood to hear them . . . my sam is about tori's age

[Chrissy]

Man I know how you are feeling. My little girl is 26 months now and I have no idea how to get her under control. When we walk somewhere she lets go of my hand and then I have to get a hold of her arm again to get her hand back. She takes her diaper off and runs around naked all the time. The other day she threw a huge fit in a pizza place, threw herself on the ground screaming and yelling because my husband had the nerve to tell her it was time to eat. I never had these issues with my boys. It seems to be a whole new world raising this little girl. Sorry no advice but know that you are not alone.

[Molly]

I can only provide this one bit of info: "our town" has codes that do not allow front-yard fences. That's why none of your neighbors have them either. ;)

Good luck, and what they (previous commenters) said!

[Sara]

My little one is about the same age as Tori and we too have dealt with the street. Why is the street so damn interesting to them? After one very close call I went and bought the darn leash/backpack thing. It works for us, but I know that not everyone likes them.

I have heard that it gets better....I keep hoping it does.

[jenn]

The problem is that "soon" is totally relative. I can SO clearly remember being right where you are now. My youngest was impulsive to the core, charging blindly off into a street (twice),the 40 degree Atlantic (once),and down steep sidewalks (so goddamn many times). Not yelling wasn't even an option. It's not like it's a conscious choice to yell when your kid is lurching heedlessly toward danger.

I found that the I-could-give-a-fuck-what-you're-saying attitude improved drastically as her language and logic skills increased (around 2 1/2 - 3 yrs.). Problem was, it felt like an eternity when I was wrangling her through parking lots and down sidewalks every day.

Embarrassingly, I had to resort to some hand-smacking along with getting on her eye level and saying "NO" really firmly. It got her attention, and nothing else did. Sorry, this is straying into advice-territory, which I didn't mean to do. Just wanted to say Been There, Felt Hopeless, But Ultimately Survived. You definitely will do.

Also, the bonus? Tori's probably smart as all hell. I've always been suspicious that the meek and docile kids are, well, a little lacking. (But I'll deny it if you tell anyone).

[jenn]

"too" not "do" at end of second paragraph - oops.

[Heather]

I've been dealing with the same thing, and I too hate it. It kills me how a month ago, I felt like I was on top of my mothering game, and this month, I'm in the hall of mothering shame.
Like you, I get to teh point where I am telling myself I can't do anything but yell ( I have two of those strong willed children). But then I realize that their behavior is a direct result of the fact that I have been so insanely busy that I haven't been paying the attention to their "gentle training" as I should be. the result : they push my limits at every opportunity. The older one knows that 2-5 is Mommy's school time, and that if I am on a roll, I will probably ignore the fact that he gets up from nap early. My fault.
I did grow up with yellers. Married into a famiy of yellers ( those hubs is not), but it isn't an excuse. I knw yelling is wrong, just like I knew a lot of other things my parents did were wrong, and I was able ( with hardwork) to avoid those mistakes. So I need to get my butt in gear on this one. But motherhood is freaking hard. WE both have to ust recognize where we are making a mistake and fix it, not guilt ourselves to death.
You are right on track with the neanderthal thing. I don't think that there is anything that works 100 % of the time, but toddlers are like cavemen, cute, super intelligent cavemen, but cavemen all the same. They just want what tehy want whn they want it, no offense to the rest of us.
Lately, I ave been noticing these cute little animal shaped back-packs that have leashes. Now, I never used one of those harnesses with my older, because I knew he could escape from it, but he was really into "pac pac's" ashe called them, and I thought that one of those numbers might hve worked when he was about two- at least for keeping him out of the street. That way he could have run ahead a little bit, without me having to break out the running shoes.
I know I am taking up all of your comment space, I apologize, but this is somethign so deear to me.
I spent my first couple of years as a mother in a foregin coutnry with no one but myself, my insane toddler, and a whoel bunch of churchy military wives who were all so ready to tell me how I was screwing up and what I should be doing. I realizd that these strong willed kids ( and I wouldn't have them any other way) are a different breed.You can do everythign that every baby book, expert prent, whatever tells you to do, and teh kids will still do things their way. Mine was such a climber that I finlly got to he point where I kind of just acted like a spotter. I realized I couldn't stop him, but I could set limits on it. WHen he was assessed by development staff, I worried that they were criticizing me for that, btu later they told met hat was spot on. We have to find ways that are acceptable for them to get that stimulation. I know how much harder it was for me not to just plop him in a playpen 9 he cold have climbed out anyhow) but I look at him and recognize how his development surpassed other kids because he could explore.
You have all the right intuitions. I am not trying to be advice, far from. just sharing. I m still working on this thing too. You are going to love love love when Tori hits about 4 all of your hardwork trying to teach them some self control starts to pay off and you get the funniest conversations out of them.
When we moved back to teh U.S this summer, my granmother commented that she didn't think my daughter would be as "easy to manage" as my son. The comment floored me, " easy to manage" ?!?!?! I realized that now, to someone who never saw what I went through for the first 3 years of his life, he seems like an easy kid. I took that as encouragement that for all of the times I messed up, it all evens out.
Thanks for sharing this;It means a lot for moms to be open with what we struggle with instead of just pretending it doesnt happen.

[sk]

I second the leash idea! Target has cute little backpack ones. :)

I have a 3 year old and an almost 2 year and although I swore I would never put them on a leash, I now own 2 of them. Best. Things. Ever.

Sometimes we do the best we can and hope our children forgive us for it. I have to watch myself or I become a yeller too. I hate it!

[Jan]

I know you said you're not asking for advice but I can't help myself EVER. It comes with sympathy and empathy, because I totally went through this with my two-year-old (who is getting better now, and before I even had to sell him to gypsies).

I just want to remind you of something you probably already know: Some kids respond well to verbal direction and some respond well to physical direction. My daughter is the former and my son is the latter. Which means that when he got to 'that' age, I started doing what I did with her, which was giving verbal commands. And MAN did it piss me off when he didn't listen. Him, I have to touch -- "feet on the floor" [while physically putting them there for him].

The other things is that there's a part of your brain that you haven't figured out how to incorporate into your parenting yet. It's the part that figures out natural and logical consequences.

You say the only thing Tori hates more than holding your hand is riding in the stroller. My logical-consequences-controlled brain says that Tori gets a choice -- she holds your hand, or your put her in the stroller, even if she screams all the way to the park. It's just like any problem-solving skill -- you have to practice it. You'll get better.

I'm against the leash because I don't think it teaches them how to control themselves, but I'd sure as hell use one if it were a safety issue.

[Katie]

If you're only yelling at her when she goes into the street, I'd say you're doing pretty well! I am also a yeller. I am ashamed of it and feel like a loser/bad mother for doing it. So, yeah, I definitely empathize, and I have no magic solution, or else I would have tried it years ago!

[Val]

My cousin has the same type of spirited child. She thought it was funny to (a) run away and (b) figure out all the devices used to avoid (a). My cousin is very ADD so that did not help. However, this child, at age of 3, used an overturned trash can to reach the locks on a hotel room and left at 3 am while her mom was sleeping.

My cousin ended up losing custody of her daughter due to her escapes. My aunt got custody and installed an alarm system in her house to assist her. The system helped alert my Aunt when Emma escaped (she took advantage of any possibility to escape). My aunt enforced the time out system 100%. She did the 1, 2, 3 counting. But if she ran into the street - immediate time out - no warning. If my aunt had to sit at the table to ensure she stayed, she did. If they where going somewhere and she misbehaved - they went home. She had to be super strict - something my cousin just could not do. Good thing, it did not take long. It's kinda of like the dog and his master. The dog wants and needs a master in order for the dog to be happy.

[Annika]

My son is about three weeks older than Tori and I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. I manage to avoid yelling most of the time, but I honestly haven't found much of anything else that works, either. I just figure he's got to get better at communication sooner or later, and I am bigger and more stubborn so I'll live until then. I might go crazy, but I'll live.

[Tiffany]

It does get easier. Now that Mikayla is almost 3 I am teaching her about streets and roads. Where we live what you are dealing has never been an issue until now - she wants to run in the middle of the strea. I have yelled at her to stop, sometimes when you are outside you have to yell because they are too far away to say it without yelling. Mikayla is just now getting the hang of stop and look for cars - when see see no cars she starts to run down the middle of the street. But we also live on a dirt road that is not very busy with no sidewalk.

[Eliza]

Boy do I ever hear ya. My middle child is autistic, and autistic children HATE to hold hands. They also don't respond to their names worth a crap, and they get very absorbed in what they're doing. I lost the kid in a parking lot of an upscale grocery store, and the bagger (they wheel your groceries out to the car for you) and I were both yelling, and looking...kid was walking around and around the car, tracing the trim, happy as a clam. Had never been more than eight feet away, but just happened to be circling the car at the same rate I was. ACK! So I've become a yeller too, even though I feel like a horrible human being. Because while autistic children don't respond to you yelling their NAME, yelling in general really gets their goat if they have sensory issues and (got this sounds awful) will often get the kid to stop cold, put both hands over the ears, and wail, which lets me know where to look.

*hangs head in shame*

I also yell at the non-developmentally-delayed one because children who aren't medically stable enough to be permitted to cry until they are eighteen months old are ASSHOLES. Yes, that's right. My two-year-old is an asshole. I get to say that, because it's my kid. I mean, truly wretched--beats up BOTH older (delayed) siblings, calls you a butt if you don't give in to demands, and if you tell that one something unpopular you're liable to get kicked in the shins. HARD.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

[Maureen]

I have never commented before but I read every day & love your blog! That said, my son did the same thing - running like a bat out of hell into the street, up our long winding driveway or just away from us. I read a "tip" in a magazine about the FREEZE game! It worked. What you do is this - when walking with your daughter, hold her hand and make frequent, abrupt stops telling her to "Freeze!" Do this for awhile (I am not sure how long it took but it wasn't long) and she will think it's a game. My son thought it was so funny. The next time he started to run from me I yelled Freeze! and he did. It worked! I then said calmly "turn around and come back to mommy! What a good job you did at Freezing." It became a good game that has last almost a year. Up until then, I was yelling like crazy and getting nowhere fast.

Good luck to you! Your daughter is such a cutie.

[Julie]

I'm right there with ya! How about this http://tinyurl.com/6zxb76? I also love 123 magic but Dylan it still takes a lot of additional work.

I have a mantra I use when I'm about to blow my stack - "this is what 2 (3, 4, etc) year olds do - it's not personal, he's not trying to upset me, breath!". It does help.... sometimes.

[Amy]

My mom was a yeller. I hated it. But, naturally, I'm a yeller too (though I'm not as easily frustrated as my mother was and I don't yell as much...). My third child sounds a lot like Tori (though he's only 11 months). I do a lot of "Don't touch the cat food. *Don't touch the cat food.* Don't. touch. the. cat. food. DON'T TOUCH THE CAT FOOD!!!!" All to no avail... he looks right at me while I yell and dumps out the cat food. Alas. We redirect. But he goes right back. Moving it is the only thing that works... and then we get to yell at the cats for being on the counter looking for their cat food.

As for running in the street... I say you walk to the park with the stroller. Tell her she has to stay on the sidewalk or you'll put her in the stroller. If she even puts a toe out of line, in she goes. Even my 6 and 8 yr olds still dart in the street without looking. I chalk it up to the fact that children have a strong sense of immortality. They can conceptualize the danger... but not that the dangerous thing is ever going to happen to them.

[CTG]

uh...you just described my son...right down to the head butting. I have some scars on my lips from his hard as hell head butting up against my mouth! And honestly I have no advice (even if you wanted some :D ). Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs. If I ever find the magic solution I'll let you know. Until then, here are some more hugs. You are doing a GREAT job.

[Jess]

I feel your pain. Jack, nearly 3 now, is very energetic and independent too, and it's exhausting. The running in the street thing is enough to stop my heart. We have had many stern conversations with him about how he has to hold hands when he is walking on the black street or else we aren't going anywhere, and we aren't watching any TV back at home or playing any games. And often he collapses in that toddler-dead-weight thing onto the sidewalk in his angry whiny refusal. But we don't go anywhere until he holds hands.

[dregina]

If you have to go the leash route, I want you to know there are people out here who will support you!

A lot of people can be awful and judgemental about it - I used to be one of them. Then my friend - who already had one older, easily managed boy - had her second son and there was just. no. way. to take that kid out in public without having a leash on him. He was exuberant, fearless, curious, and impulsive - much more so than the average 2 year old. She tried a bunch of different solutions and eventually settled on the leash.

Good luck! Tori is lucky to have you.

[mandy]

My daughter, at that age, came to love the monkey backpack that just happened to have a long tail. While we didn't rely on teh backpack to do our work for us, it gave us something to use as guidance for an appropriate distance away if she wasn't going to hold hands and something to grab if things were going to get dangerous.

We were once in an airport and woman who clearly had never had children made some snotty remarks - but every other comment we got was positive. Pretty consistently other parents knew why we were using one and we didn't have to do so for incredibly long.

THe other thing we instituted was the time out. By some miracle my daughter HATED just the idea of a forced sit down and I will do a time out any where if need be and she knows it. I do not care if she's in the seat of a shopping cart, we can have a time out. I've learned that I care far more about her safety than being embarassed by her not liking a time out - and I'm way more stubborn. After all, I tried for her for a long time and I'm not about to lose her to a stranger, a car, etc.

This is a hard, hard phase but you are going to get through it.
Another thing you can try, though I don't suggest it when there is an oncoming car.

WHISPER. It makes my daughter stop an listen much quicker than a yell, and I don't feel awful for doing it.

[Alex]

I have no advice, but am relieved to see that many of the commenters aren't horrified by leashes. My mother is originally from Europe, where I think they are more common, and used one with my brother (not with me, but then I was the older one so she only had one to deal with when I was that age...). I think I will probably use one on my son, too. Yesterday we were waiting for a bus and it's just exhausting, trying to keep him from walking off (and for the record, he's only 13 months so not setting land-speed records, even if he does sometimes startle me by how fast he can move). I was figuring with a leash I could give him some small freedom (versus having to pick him up and hold him, or constantly re-direct him), but know that he wouldn't get away.

Of course I may try it and hate it. Anyway, good luck finding a solution that works for you, Charlie, and Tori. I read these sorts of posts (and related comments) avidly because I know I'm going to need this information -- and the empathy, too.