Empathy

In 1989, when that big earthquake hit San Francisco, I was sitting at a bar that had the baseball game on. I remember watching as the players and fans reacted. Over the next several days, I saw the footage of the damage, and those poor people trapped on the bridge, and while I must have felt something--I have no memory of it. I just remember turning away from the television and ordering another drink.

In 2005, when the tsunami hit, Charlie and I were ready to go on a cruise. The television in our state room showed CNN International, which ran endless coverage of the devastation. I remember watching it with horror and grief, and feeling terrible for those people. But at the time I was so numb with grief after losing the twins in October, and so very self-centered with my pain, I felt only a distant sort of sadness about the event.

How this has all changed since having a child.

I remember people telling me that having a child was like wearing your heart outside your body. I assumed that meant that I would spend a huge amount of time worrying about Tori, being terrified that something would happen to her in this harsh world.

What I didn't know is how much the news would effect me.

When Tori was only a couple of months old, our local station ran a piece about a fire. This is not unusual--in Philadelphia, the world could be at war, but if there is a local fire BY GOD the local news will ignore all that to cover the fire in excruciating detail. In this particular fire, an 18-month-old baby was injured, and the news played a clip of the firefighters and paramedics desperately attempting to revive the baby; you could see tiny legs and arms bouncing in time with the CPR. I was trying to eat lunch at the time, Tori was asleep beside me, and I LOST IT. I dropped my food all over the floor and had my very first panic attack. My empathy meter was tuned to be so sensitive after Tori's birth that I lost all perspective--it felt to me like the fire happened to Tori. Charlie had to tell me over and over again that Tori was fine, look, she's right here, it's fine, nothing is wrong with her.

When I blogged about this, folks told me that it would get easier, that my reaction was a normal just-post-pregnancy kind of thing. And they were right. But sometimes, when the right detail comes, my empathy meter is still extremely high. Like when I was reading Newsweek and saw a photo from Myanmar and the cyclone, and saw something dead floating in the water. I stared at it--is that a frog?--until I realized it was a baby.

Or when I watch the footage of the parents in China standing in front of the only building to completely collapse in their town--the local school. With 200 children inside, all of whom died. 7000 schools collapsed in China during the earthquake. Oh my god.

Or today, when I'm driving the car to the dealership to get it serviced and NPR is interviewing a worker from Save the Children in Myanmar. He was discussing all the infants that survived without their parents. And how they can't use the local water to mix formula for them because it's too contaminated. So they are hunting for breastfeeding mothers that will be willing to take care of these children. I had to pull over, I was crying so hard. My breasts still produce a bit of milk even though Tori hasn't nursed since February; I want to hop a plane RIGHT NOW.

I knew being a parent would change me. I knew that it would be terrible watching things happen to Tori, like Saturday morning when she stepped off a piece of playground equipment and fell about three feet to the ground (and was completely unhurt). But I didn't realize that having a baby meant I became, suddenly, a member of the entire society of parents. That to some extent, all children would become my children. And that I would bleed, a little, whenever anything happened to any child anywhere.

It is challenging, but I have to say, there is a huge part of me that is grateful. For not only Tori--that goes without saying (I mean look at that new little photo of her there saying "I see you!" at the playground). But I am grateful for this connection, this little ridge of tissue that runs between me and every other parent in the world. I never want to go back to the fog of the bar where I find the earthquake that was just broadcast live only mildly interesting. I prefer feeling connected, even when it hurts.

Comments

[Melanie]

1.

Oh, sister. I SO feel you on this one. I feel like I'm constantly walking around with a hitch in my throat, forever on the verge of bursting into tears.

[Celeste]

2.

WHATEVER YOU DO post-partum, don't watch "Sophie's Choice". It's pure trauma.

[jessica]

3.

awesome post.

[AmyinMotown]

4.

That's a great way to look at it, one I plan to adopt immediately. Because this shit KILLS me. I was like 3 weeks into The New Normal of Motherhood when the tsunami happened, and it destroyed me (and gave me some much needed perspective).

I used to work as a newspaper reporter. Being a mother has made me awfully glad I don't do that anymore although I loved that job. I was young and single and covering stories about bad stuff happening to kids was still hard. Now, I just couldn't do it.

Interestingly, that connection with other parents has made me lots more likely to cut other parents major slack, too. I want to kill people who are abusive, but garden variety losing it at Target when your kid won't stop grabbing every damn thing? Been there.

[bobbi]

5.

I remember so clearly after the birth of my first child sitting in my living room with the blue lagoon on and having to turn it off when the baby was in the boat and ate something poisonous? I can't remember...haven't ever been able to watch it and haven't seen it in its entirety since I was a kid. Or catching "stepmom" and being riveted but bawling my eyes out. Or, yes, the news. It's one of those parenting things that I never expected. You said it perfectly when you said, "That to some extent, all children would become my children."

[jenn]

6.

So true. I actually hit saturation levels where I have to swear off the news for awhile. I become too locked up in panic and a sense of helplessness to function. The very worst was my older daughter's first week of preschool. I had just dropped her off and come back home to enjoy a cup of coffee and the morning news with my baby daughter. I turned on the TV and watched a plane fly into the WTC. In the ensuing days and weeks I became obsessed with the stories of the survivors and the victims.

[Susie]

7.

Spot. On.

[Susie]

8.

Jenn, I was 8 months pregnant and taking care of my 2-year-old on 9/11 and my husband was IN the WTC. He didn't even work there -- he was there for a meeting. He managed to come home to me (physically) unharmed and I cannot tell you how hard I cried every time there was a piece on all of the babies born to the WTC widows. I'm crying now as I type and it's 6 years later.

[Katie]

9.

I cannot believe that they showed them doing CPR on the baby! What kind of sick culture are we, that news stations will play that? I would have been sick to my stomach.

[Stephanie]

10.

Cec, I totally had to swallow down sobs and blink back tears, reading this, for I feel this same way about the news, moreso since our loss.....and now having living babes....it's just too horrible to imagine the horror. I do not watch the news at all now, too hard for me, but sometimes I'll get a glimpse from the yahoo home page or someone will mention it in passing, and I'll FREAK. I seriously just cannot handle it all, as my emptathy meter is off the charts as well!!!
thanks for posting this, I feel the same way!!

[Amanda]

11.

And now you know why I avoid watching the news...

[electriclady]

12.

Oh man, I know. I remember when my daughter was a few weeks old, we saw a story on CNN about the Sudan, and there was an interview with a woman in a refugee camp who was telling a story that eventually came to, "I was holding my son in my arms and they grabbed--" and my husband stabbed at the remote in a panic, yelling, "No! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

[melissa]

13.

Exactly, Well said. And, evokes memories.

I don't watch the news anymore. I read about stuff, but can't watch live footage. Can't since 9/11, when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest, and was in empathetic agony over the people killed. Especially the people on the airplanes...

I have always been empathic. Becoming a mom made me more so. But, in what I know about you from your blog, it makes me wonder how much of your drinking was to blunt your natural empathy that can be so hard to deal with...(I'm sorry if I got too personal, there.)

[Jen]

14.

dude - i know exactly what you mean. the news has gotten to the point where i'll just ask mandy for a summary so i don't have to watch it. the part in the movie "there will be blood" where the kid gets ditched on the train killed me. AND THEN because i'm brilliant, i decided to re-read lord of the flies recently. gah!

[Catherine]

15.

Having a history of being abused as a child provides quite enough ability for empathy in me, thankyouverymuch. Reason # 67184756458 not to have kids. But I'm glad it's cool for you!

[Mia C]

16.

I try to read the new sinstead of watch it, but I know what you mean. We've watched a lot of TV on DVD since C was born, so it's that killing me. DH and I watched the Nip/Tuck season 1? right after he was born-where Christian has to give the baby back to the bio dad- I bawled and bawled and DH sat there, pale and ill.
4 years later we're watching Dexter on iTunes- the season 1 finale with little Dexter and his Mom in the shipping container- I cried and almost threw up. Pretty much anything bad happening to a kid puts on edge, but those two made me LOSE it.

[Lawmommy]

17.

I have always been overly empathetic - but, motherhood has made me 10x more so. It's hard for me to think about Oklahoma City, about 9/11, about those Russian sailors who suffocated on the Russian sub a few years back..., it's almost like I cannot breathe because THEY couldn't breathe. I could go on, but I won't.

But, as I listened to NPR talking about the infants in Burma (I refuse to use the M word right now, I'm so damn angry at the junta) - I hadn't nursed a baby in 7 years but I swear I had a let-down as I listened to that story...I felt the same way - I wanted to get on a plane right that second...

[Jo-Ann]

18.

I remember waiting to have my ultrasound with R the TV was on CNN. They had found Lacy Peterson that morning. I was weeping and weeping. It started then and for both E and I it has never stopped. He sometimes is even worse than I am and he doesn't lactate. It transcends hormones in our house. Sometimes I can't read it because it hurts too much

[Aurelia]

19.

"That to some extent, all children would become my children. And that I would bleed, a little, whenever anything happened to any child anywhere."

It's why I'm so passionate about politics---I used to think it was fun and interesting to do political things, but now, it's like I'm a woman on fire. I swear sometimes it's the only way I can avoid the trauma from burning into my brain.

[Alex]

20.

Me too.

And I had no idea I needed to be ready for this.

[G-mom]

21.

The picture that tears me up is the Firefighter carrying the baby "Baylee" from what was left of the daycare in Oklahoma. One of our own terrorist attack.
My kids are 30 & 33.

[Julie]

22.

~trying to figure out what Catherine's post is about~

I used to love trauma shows - I can't watch them any more because as soon as I see a little one I totally lose my shit.

[Susan]

23.

I feel the same way, I was always passionate about humanity but being a parent gives it a whole different charge. Hell, I cry every time George Stephanopoulos shows the names of the soldiers killed in action at the end of his show on Sundays...they are somebody's kid, brother, father, etc.
I also think pain and trauma in our own lives resurfaces just a bit when we hear those things on the news, maybe as a way of letting it go little by little.

[Dea]

24.

I realized that the same thing was happening to me when my mom was telling me a horrible story about what happened to some children in Meritt BC. I went into a total haze for a couple hours. Normally it would have bothered me, but my reaction was off the charts. Ugh!
Bobbi, I was watching the Blue Lagoon the other day, I caught it right at the end just after the baby was born, then when they were in the boat I had to turn it off too. My husband thought I was a little strange, but I couldn't explain it. I just could not watch the ending.

[MsPrufrock]

25.

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. Truthfully, I was somewhat unaffected by traumatic things happening to children pre-P. I'm human, so of course I thought those events were horrible, but I didn't worry about them beyond thinking, "Oh, what a shame" and then moving on. I specifically remember the Beslan massacre of a few years ago - both of my sister-in-laws (mothers) were traumatised. I felt bad, but didn't "get" it, and thought I never would.

Fast forward to now, and motherhood. I see my daughter in any dead or injured children, and see myself in their mothers. I definitely wear my heart outside of my body.

[Daria]

26.

I don't watch the news, sometimes I read it online and that makesme depressed enough.
But i have to say about Blue Lagoon, not a sad ending. The boy's dad finds their little ship and it turns out they are all sleeping. Loved it, made me feel silly for crying when that sweet baby ate those seeds and then the boy and girl did the same.

[Chiara]

27.

Ohhh, me too, me too...my husband and I were watching the China story on Nightline and I was barely holding it together when he said he had heard that day that they had to cut a little girl's legs off to get her out from under the rubble. And I lost it. I could see my own daughter trapped and being cut apart. And my husband trying to be helpful says, "But she lived!" and that made me cry even harder. And talk about feeling helpless.

[Melissa in TN]

28.

You are so right! This is another excellent post.

29.

"But I didn't realize that having a baby meant I became, suddenly, a member of the entire society of parents. That to some extent, all children would become my children. And that I would bleed, a little, whenever anything happened to any child anywhere."

Exactly. I had no idea either.

I am currently pregnant with baby #2 and the news about China's earthquake are KILLING ME. I feel very real grief and agony for the parents of the children that died trapped in the schools. I can't help it. It's just so terrible. My heart aches for them.

I've always been a news junkie but I had to stop watching/reading for my own sanity.

[Libby]

30.

"But I didn't realize that having a baby meant I became, suddenly, a member of the entire society of parents. That to some extent, all children would become my children. And that I would bleed, a little, whenever anything happened to any child anywhere."

Exactly. I had no idea either.

I am currently pregnant with baby #2 and the news about China's earthquake are KILLING ME. I feel very real grief and agony for the parents of the children that died trapped in the schools. I can't help it. It's just so terrible. My heart aches for them.

I've always been a news junkie but I had to stop watching/reading for my own sanity.

[Tina]

31.

Isn't it amazing how in tune we now are to other mothers feelings? I see these horrific events happen to others, and am terrified; however, I then realize that I can't let my girls see my fear. I have to hide it and let them live their life. I can't pass on that fear. But Dear God, I am thankful every day that I have been so lucky and pray that luck will continue.

[Barbara]

32.

The news will tear you open. Oh, especially right now, with all the loss.

I also find I can't watch horror movies or too-explicit TV shows or read horror/thriller novels - not like I was a sociopath before, but I could distance myself from a lot of it enouh to see it as "entertainment." Since having kids? Suffering and loss aren't entertaining anymore. That adult victim was someone's baby once. It makes me ill.

[jeanie]

33.

Very good post, Cecily. It does put it all into a horrific sort of perspective. It is no longer "70 (or 15 or 1 or 100) thousand dead" but that many mothers, siblings, children, fathers affected.

[mamadaisy]

34.

beautiful post.

i can't watch the news. i try -- just enough to know what's going on -- but i change the channel the moment a child is mentioned. i am better off not hearing it.

[BookMama]

35.

Oh yes, this is SO true for me. I've always been a crier, but even more so after I had my first child 7 years ago. In fact, I'm crying right now from reading your post and all these comments.

For me, the "worst" instance of this was about a year after 9/11. (I cried all day after that, but would have even if I hadn't been a mother.) I was listening to a radio interview on the way home from work, and they were talking to a firefighter talk about cleaning up post-9/11. He was cleaning debris off of a fire truck, and found a woman's hand. He said that when he picked it up, the fingers opened, and a child's hand fell out.

Every time I think of that, I cry like the first time I heard it (Sobbing again right now.) The thought of that mother - and all those other mothers we cry over - being RIGHT THERE and still being unable to protect her child just gets me every damn time.

[Trants]

36.

Cec, I am so glad and grateful you posted about this. I seriously thought I was the only one. Ever since my little boy came into being, I have this heightened sensitivity to any trauma involving children. And I was empathetic before -- I worked for six years as a rape crisis counselor and child abuse prevention educator. My emp-o-meter is off the scale now. Last week, my 8th grade students were reading literature about the Holocaust, and I was researching the links on Irena Sendler. I ran across this story about a Nazi soldier "throwing a baby up in the air like a clay pigeon and shooting it."

Lost it.

By the time my kids made it to my room for class, I had watched the happiest parts of Mary Poppins, eaten the better part of a box of Swiss Cake rolls, and called my daycare four times.

I don't dare watch the news.

[Lauren]

37.

Oh wow, do I feel you on this one. I'm a local news anchor, and there were lots of reasons I knew it would be hard to come back to work after I had my baby 3 months ago-- but this wasn't one of them. There are so many stories that it is just SO hard to get through now. All of a sudden I feel the pain of all the parents we report on, and my outrage towards the people we cover who hurt children is at an all time high. Frankly, there are days it can be hard not to get depressed. I'm having to re-learn how to not take it all home with me.

[Trants]

38.

I just posted a comment, but it doesn't look like it went through. It's just as well -- what I wrote retraumatized me as a I typed it. The upshot of it is, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Ever since my little boy was born, the emp-o-meter has been off the scale. Thanks for making me feel normal again.

[Leta]

39.

I cannot listen to the news anymore. Can.not.

After 9/11, I mean RIGHT after 9/11, I was already so jaded and cynical that I saw it being highjacked by the right for political gain and gave it up in disgust.

Then, just when I was back in the current events groove again, Hurricaine Katrina happened. Since then, I have been off the news completely.

When Katrina happened, I was 5 months pregnant, we had just moved (like, living room still full of boxes) and I had just started classes. At the time, I was certified to teach CPR and First Aid for the Red Cross, and I was completely ready to drop my classes and get on an ARC bus. But-- they wouldn't take me. Pregnant ladies are too risky, I guess. So I sat at home, watched the news, watched Bush and Nagin and Brownie fuck everything up even worse than Katrina did, and I brooded. I obsessed.

My parents, aunt and uncle, grandma and three cousins live on the Gulf Coast. My uncle's parent's house was completely destroyed. I couldn't get in touch with anyone for days because all their phone lines are routed through New Orleans. I was one giant raw nerve, so angry for the grandmas and babies and dogs-- so furiously angry that OUR government, not some third world junta but the final remaining superpower, threw people under the bus because they are poor and black-- I couldn't function. My blood pressure was so high that my OB commanded me to turn the TV off.

And so I did. I'm still furious, but less obsessed.

I admit, I try to block stuff out. I choose to believe that every damn picture is Photoshopped.

But my empathy? Still there in full force. Still strong enough to make me physically sick. Still powerful enough to make me glad it's there, even though it makes me cry.

[Chickenpig]

40.

This is a totally heart wrenching post. I understand what you are saying. My reaction was a different one then yours, though, after my boys were born. I totally tune out the tragedies on the news, now, as much as I can. I don't want to see it...I just can't. It's not I don't care, it's just that it's too much...too many HUGE tragedies so close together. What is happening to the world?

[Lisa]

41.

First-time commenter, long-time reader. (feel like I'm on a talk show)
But I had to reply to this post. There are not a lot of things we have in common. I don't agree with a lot of what you write. But it's posts like these that always bring me here, checking several times a week to see if you've written anything new. And this is also what makes us alike, what tears down any political, racial, religious differences. We are parents.
You have the ability to capture so many emotions in your writing. And I am touched.

[Rachel Timmons]

42.

word. just word. wow.

Oh, those babies in Myanmar...that breaks my heart.

[Charlie]

43.

For the benefit of your readers, I want to share a few things you yourself already know...

Before I became a father, I could not have imagined the illumination of spirit that I experienced when I held our baby girl in my hands for the first time. Nor that this feeling would grow each day as I watch her discover the world.

A side-effect is that I cannot watch TV shows where a child, especially a baby, is in jeopardy. I cannot find an appropriate emotional distance when I read news stories describing the yet another horror perpetrated against infant or child. Stories that I would once have simply dismissed as further evidence that people do indeed suck now have me choking back tears.

I cannot say whether what I feel is universal. Only that the person I was could not conceive of the person I have become.

As for the question of whether being a victim of abuse makes one more or less empathetic, I can again only share my personal experience. Being routinely beaten by my mom for years helped make me an emotional recluse. Booze helped me hide even further. Sobriety helped reverse the trend. Therapy helped as well. Learning to care for my mom as her Alzheimer's worsened provided further growth. And certainly being a dad has opened my heart even more.

Perhaps I've raised more questions than I've answered, but after all, life is a journey of discovery.

[ms. g]

44.

I am so glad I read this post and all the comments. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I hate that this is true, but sometimes I cope by completing blocking out news and information. I have to, I need to give myself a break.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

45.

Yes. I'm pretty much a news junkie, but since our boys were born I often skip stories if a child was harmed or killed, and I have barely glanced at the coverage of the China quake. I can't stand to hear these stories. I dissolve into a puddle, and I just can't afford to do that most of the time since I have to take care of 14-month-old adorable terrors... and so I wall myself away from those stories now. Because they do hurt so much more than they ever did before. So in a way, I'm actually less connected now, because it hurts so much more.

[Anne]

46.

Add me to the list of those who feel this way. There are times when my husband will come in and catch me crying after reading/watching/listening to the news and I get him all worried (thinks something has happened to our guy). Just this weekend a family lost their 3 year old in a car accident (drunk driver, broadsided, car seat ejected, 3 year old boy died in his father's arms) all I can see when I hear that story are my son's eyes and I just go to pieces.

[lynne]

47.

Hello, I am thinking of you today. The UK goverment is voting today on reducing the abortion law from 24 to 20 or earlier.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7409696.stm

I am glad your life is so blessed now.

I think your emapthy post is good, but even those of us without children can fall apart when we see children and adults dead and maimed for disaters and war. I think I will be completely in bits when/if I become a parent.

[Hanlie]

48.

Wonderful post, Cecily. I'm not a mother yet, but as I journey towards motherhood I feel the plight of the children of the world more than I used to. Sometimes I worry that I'll be an overprotective mother.

[Christina in MO]

49.

About three months after my daughter was born, there was a story in the local paper concerning a little boy who had died. He was two years old his name was Gage and he lived in Utah with his parents. His father had apparently gone hunting for food for this poor family and taken the little boy with him. The little boy fell asleep in the truck. The father guessing he wouldn't be long left him to sleep in the truck. Gage apparently woke up and wandered away. They found him several days later, he had walked for so long he wore the feet off his feetie jammies. He was two years old. I cried for this little boy for 8 months before I went to the doctor and got medication for post partum depression. I can still see his little face that was published in the paper. I still have the pull on my heart for him. This happend 9 years ago. He still haunts me. I didnt know him or his family..
I don't watch much news to this day. I rarely read the paper. If I do I skim. I simply cannot handle stories of children. Still. to this day. I pray for the children and families when a tragedy happens. I change the station when it comes on.. because I know there will be images.. that will haunt me in my days.. not just my nights. In the shower, doing dishes, mowing the grass..I will be a mess.
My son is joining the Marines..how I will react to the news of the war now.. remains to be seen. I will probably have to join a book club and shoot my television~buy a lot of cd's for the car.. and avoid all media~

this long rant? just to say really.. I know how you feel. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 8. My two children.. keep me attached to the world as well.

[Tater's Mom]

50.

Yep, yep, yep! I cry at songs about hurt children, commercials about hurt children, stories about hurt children, shows about hurt children. Doesn't matter the age of the child or the situation - I picture MY child and turn into a sobbing mess.

And don't even get me started on the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition episodes that feature children who have lost thier parents and are living with a relative - GAH! ABC owes me CASES of Kleenex!

[Kim Possible]

51.

Great post Cecily. I have often had the same feelings you express, and mostly since becoming a mom. I never considered myself a particularly emotional person and although I cared about people, issues and "things" I never wore my heart on my sleeve. But since my son I have become a sentimental fool - in a good way. I feel more deeply now, and not just about him but about life and the world and ALL the people in it. And I now openly and unashamedly cry, weep, or bawl depending on the situation. Being a parent is such an amazing and transforming experience sometimes it is difficult to comprehend all the ways it has changed both me and my husband.

[Denise]

52.

After reading you for a long time and never commenting, this post touched a spot in me (and obviously many others). There are plenty of times I get that panic feeling for the mothers of children I see, hear, or read about in the news. My heart breaks for mothers all over the damn place. But the one thing that simply shattered me and made me completely understand that thread that all mothers feel was when we lost my brother to suicide over 2 years ago now. After the initial shock wore off, the only thing I could think of was what my mom was feeling. Then she told me how when she got to the funeral home where thy took him that night, they did not want to let her see him yet. She nearly took down the door to get to him. I thought, of course she did! Even though he was a grown man, that was her *baby boy* in there.

That is the one thing that still makes me cry - that common thread that comes from being mothers and being able to put yourself in that place - even with your own mother.

[Auburn]

53.

yup. Can totally relate to this one.

I listened to that NPR story about the babies in Burma while I was nursing my son and lost it completely. Just lost it. I wanted so badly to be able to feed those babies. Thinking of my son being hungry and no one being able to feed him is the worst feeling in the world.

I could not watch any of the coverage on the China earthquake either. And my husband had to tell me to be a little pickier and stop making donations to every single child related cause that I see, but I really can't stop.

[The Aitch]

54.

Oh totally totally totally. Whenever I hear anything terrible about any child wherever/whatever, I am instantly in pain and or bonded with the grieving parents. I also get totally outraged against the perpetrators no matter what the instance (if any). My heart literally breaks and I ache.

For instance about a month ago I came across a news article about a hit and run of a 5 year old girl in Texas. Included in the article was a video of the accident that a nearby gas station caught. I told myself not to click play but I did. It was horrendous. I lost it right here at my desk at work and just started bawling. That video ruined me for weeks. WEEKS. I could not get the image out of my mind. I actually drove home on the freeway that night with images of the same thing happening to one of my girls and that scenario has actually now turned into a huge fear of mine.

And although the article was actually a few years old I wanted to find the parent of that little girl amd somehow express to her my condolences.

Since then I am learning how to not let things like that affect me so deeply because it actually took away the focus from my life. Those terrible news stories and real life events prohibit a good mood and therefor really affect my parenting. I have to remember that empathy is important but those tragedies are not mine and I have to focus on what I have and whats good about it because no one else will.

Here's another example of how being a parent will totally change you and sure did me. Remember when that show Intervention forst came one? It was like 2003 or something. I remember not being pregnant yet or maybe I just barely was. Anyway, I remember thinking, 'What asshole kids! They are totally ruining themselves and dont give a shit about anyone and here sit their dumbass parents still letting those asshole kids use them and abuse them! If that was my kid I woulda booted them out years ago and would have had nothing to do with them ever!!'

HA! No way. Now I can totally relate to those parents who sit by their children while they screw up and hurt them because man, there is no way I could ever give up on one of my kids. Ever! I would do anything and everything for my babies. I would go at great lengths to protect them, and help them. Now I understand why those parents don't throw them away like garbage. And I can totally see why they take the abuse.

I just hope that I would be able to have the strength to draw the line and let my kids know when it's time to get help without abandoning them. Instead of loathing those parents I now totally empathize.

[Elmer Caballero]

55.

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[ALLEY]

56.

Three kids into motherhood, I'm constantly blubbering at something. Dog food commercials get me. I barely watch the disaster coverage. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much that it is hard to function after seeing starvign babies and dead parents.

[Whitney]

57.

I think you are speaking for all parents here. I know it's exactly how I feel. I was pregnant with my first when 9/11 happened, and I remember holding my belly, just wishing I could keep her in there, safe and free from harm. I still feel that way every morning when I put her on the school bus, and every time I drop off my youngest at preschool.

[delmer]

58.

I teared up during Iron Man, in a scene involving a boy and his dad.

Also during The Incredibles when the plane blew up and the mom and kids were plummeting toward the ocean. AND they were animated characters!

I think it's due to being a parent though I also have a hormone thing going on.

[envoy-ette]

59.

My kids are older now and I worry about different things. Will this damned war be over before my son hits 18? Will there be a draft? And I see other kids who come to our home and it's clear their parents aren't feeding them enough, and I just want to sit them down and put a big piece of cake & milk in front of them. They say cry for the children and widows...and I do.

[Mal]

60.

I don't have children (yet) but I think I can relate in a weird way. The first time I drove past roadkill after I adopted my dog, I had to pull over to the side of the road and have a good cry.

I also work at a children's hospital and let me tell you -- some days the work will wrench your guts right out of your body, play jumprope with them, and then grind them into hot-dogs. Still, I'm like you. I'd rather feel the pain and excuse myself into the ladies' restroom from time to time than numb myself up like many of us around here.

Really glad I found your blog.

[JuliaKB]

61.

Report of the first collapsed school had me completely shattered last week. I heard several short recaps on the radio today-- about parents looking for children, about children of various ages not surviving. Had me in tears every time.

[Sara]

62.

Yeah, I hadn't expected that feeling either.

I'm trying to use that feeling to become a better person. Like for example if I'm annoyed or angry with someone, I try to picture them as the little fuzzy-headed baby that they were once. It never fails to help me to have at least a little compassion.

[Elayne]

63.

I must be defective.
I have always been empathetic and a crier, and I was sick for days with rage and fury and grief when the Russian school... something, hostages? I think? was in the news - my son was about ten or so then, IIRC. But that's the most recent thing I remember getting very worked up about.

Hmm. If I am remembering the timing on that correctly, I guess that was about the time I started getting really sick and unable to function reliably. Maybe I'm subconsciously conserving my emotional defenses for myself, knowing that if I let myself go to pieces over these other things, I'll use up what few resources I have for myself and my son. Maybe the depression, and the years of pain and exhaustion, have emotionally blunted me more than I thought - but no, I still cry about as much as I ever did, still feel about as strongly. Just, not so much for ... you know, distant things.

Sure, I can still get worked up - a little - about a story about *one person*, but the quake in China, the floods, the genocides, the horrors that affect hundreds or thousands... nah. Nothing.

I wonder if I have become a monster. Because, unlike you, when I stop to think about it, the knowledge that I can read a newspaper article about a tragedy without crying or feeling a little piece of my heart chip off for the grief of strangers - it's such a relief, to be able to *not feel* for a change.