So, my period is nearly two weeks late at this point. Today my boobs hurt and I felt some nausea at the end of the day.
Yeah.
No, I haven't taken a pregnancy test. I will probably pick one up tomorrow. Why have I waited? Because COME ON. There are about a million reasons why I couldn't be pregnant (or, perhaps, several million missing reasons why, since male factor was the primary cause of our infertility. One of those reasons is the rarity with which Charlie and I engage, ahem, in "the act" that causes pregnancy. (Don't feel too sorry for him, we engage in plenty of other fun things). Another is the fact that we were told that Charlie's sperm are actually coated with an antibody that prohibits them from penetrating the egg. Then there's the whole unprotected sex for six years with no spontaneous pregnancies.
In other words, it's extremely fucking unlikely.
And guess what? I hope that I am NOT pregnant.
Hard to believe, after working so hard for so many years to have a baby. I know I joke about it, but all kidding aside, I would not be totally opposed to having a second child. Not at all. I dreamed about having a second baby all through Tori's first year of life, about how awesome it would be to have two, to not raise her as an only child. But even so, I do not want to be pregnant now. Not because I don't want a child. Nope.
So, what's the reason? I don't want to fucking die.
Before we discuss the risk to me, let's talk about the risk to the baby. I've been taking medication for my migraines that is seriously contraindicated in pregnancy. Then there is the fact that I'm now over 40, and my eggs are probably crap at this point. So the baby could be in bad shape for a lot of reasons (you know, if there was a baby. Which there isn't. We hope.).
But worst of all is my risk factors. If it was just the Preeclampsia (JUST!), it might be feasible. But combine a history of preeclampsia (with both pregnancies, remember, although unlike with the twins with Tori it was very mild) with placenta abruption, and you've got a messy fucking cocktail of crap.
In other words, the chances of my having a successful healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy baby are pretty fucking tiny. Which means, were I actually pregnant now, I'd have to make a choice. Do I press forward and hope for the best? Or do I do the sane thing--the thing the doctors would tell me to do--and terminate the pregnancy?
Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating the situation. Maybe you've forgotten the doctors that visited me after the twins were born and suggested I immediately get my tubes tied. And that was just after the twins! After Tori, I got loads of crap about how I should NEVER. GET. PREGNANT. AGAIN.
God willing, the metformin is just fucking with my cycle and my period will come along soon enough (most likely? At BlogHer). God willing, I will not be put in the position to choose.
Because honestly, I do not know what I would do. I really don't.
But wouldn't it be JUST LIKE GOD to put me in that position?
