So, THIS will REALLY be the last post about you-know-what (oh, and I talk about God too)

This morning at my recovery meeting (the one I oh-so-reluctantly dragged my ass out of bed for) the topic was, as it often is, God. But not like the usual, "God is AWESOME and that's why I'm sober/sane/no longer codependent" (really depends what flavor of meeting I go to which of those things God is credited for). No, here they were discussing how a belief in a higher power can give you back the peace of mind you lost by practicing whatever behavior you are attending the meeting for.

OK, I'm going to pause for a moment to try to explain my vagueness. If I were still anonymous on this blog like I was back in the very beginning--before the press started asking for my real name (OK, two reporters asked; I'm not THAT famous)--I could be super specific about what kind of meetings I go to and what we talk about. But since you all know I live in Philadelphia, and my name is Cecily, and I'm not the local weather forecaster by the same name, it would take about two seconds on Google to find my address. The address half of you have already because you've sent gifts to Tori (and me). So because I am NOT anonymous here, I have to be vague about my recovery because while there aren't any "rules" per say, there are certain--oh, let's call them traditions--that I need to honor. And one of them is not mentioning by name the organizations (I go to more than one!) that help me stay sane and sober. Admittedly, the line is painfully thin, but it's one I try hard not to cross (and I ask you not to do so in the comments either; I've edited a couple of comments in the past--with the writer's permission--for just that reason. Also, I do NOT have to be vague in private emails as that is between two individuals).

So, anyway, I was listening to the speaker this morning while feeling all my usual feelings about God (you know, how God's an asshole, that sort of thing). The speaker is someone I like because she reminds me of, well, me--she has to fight her instincts to take over and be in charge of everything. But I didn't know that she is also a holocaust survivor. When I think about how easily my faith in God was shattered by losing the twins, fuck--I've got NOTHING on the faith-shaking that a holocaust survivor must suffer. As she talked about how she's managed to come back to God--trusting that God will take care of her addict son, and that she can't--I found myself thinking about how much more open I am to having God in my life than I was three years ago. While both infertility and pregnancy loss may have turned me away from God, I am more willing then ever to turn to a higher power today.

How does this relate to BlogHer? Well, I don't think I realized this until I heard this woman speaking today, but I did a classic "giving it to God" step before getting on the plane. I managed to leave several things at home that I didn't need to bring to BlogHer: my insecurities, my self-centered fear, my combativeness and defensiveness, and most of all, my jabbering fucking mouth and it's remarkable ability to lead me down the road of self-sabotage.

Before I left, I said to both Charlie and Sarah that no matter what, I did NOT want to come back from the BlogHer convention as the "one" who said that "thing" that everyone is blogging about. Put me in a room of women--women thinner than I am, prettier than I am, better writers than I am--and toss in a bunch of those women drinking alcohol while I can't and just like that, you have a recipe for angry, defensive Cecily. The Cecily that makes "hilarious" viscous and snarky comments to--and about--other people. I so much wanted to work on practicing "restraint of pen and tongue" while I was there. Because I can be a damn fool, people, and I can torpedo my own goals without breaking a sweat (ask me sometime about the wonderful blogger who's feelings I hurt back in 2004 and stopped talking to me. I still miss emailing her, thanks to my stupidity at the time. And my pain. But mostly my stupidity).

As a result, I was able to spot Stephanie Klein (the other closing keynote speaker besides Dooce) and say hello, engage her in conversation, and LISTEN to what she had to say to me (OK, Sarah spotted her, but I did the rest). Because she talked to me about staying open--not reaching toward things so much as letting them find you--I was able to hear what folks were saying during the panels and glean a possible new career path. I got to meet Stephanie as she is--a funny, irreverent mom of twins that has dealt with some serious shit (how she survived her son's brain surgery is beyond me) and not spend the whole time thinking stupid things like "she's so famous, why is she talking to me?" and "Oh my God, they're making a TV show out of her book that came out of her blog" and "damn, her hair is awesome, I'm so jealous" (OK, maybe I did think that one). We were able to just talk about mothering, and writing, and how nerve wracking new people and gatherings like BlogHer can be. AND she was sweet to Sarah about photography too. AND SHE'S TOTALLY FUCKING SUPER FAMOUS!

I don't want to admit it, but it's because of a higher power that I got jack shit out of this conference, never mind the treasure trove of awesomeness that I did (yeah, BlogHer folks--I just called the conference a TREASURE TROVE OF AWESOMENESS because I am that good with words). Even though I still don't trust God particularly, I am at least able to set aside my resentment against God long even to use the spiritual tools I've learned in recovery and take what I need from an event like BlogHer and leave the rest.

So what did I gain by leaving all that shit behind? Well, I didn't spend a whole lot of time feeling bad about the parties I didn't get invited to (I know they were happening, because people would mention them all the time but then get vague on the "where" and "when"; special thanks to The Bloggess who mentioned just that thing in her blog before the conference). I was able to sit at the Friday night keynote and actually listen to all the readers without feeling like I should have been on the stage (oh yes, I AM that kind of asshole); and I'm so grateful about that because I have a new blogging hero; Lesbian Dad read this piece during that keynote and it made me weep--not just because of the content but because it's such damned fine writing (further proof to me that the best memoir writing in the world is happening right now in blogs, damn it). I was able to walk up to people like Alice and hand them a napkin and introduce myself, without worrying a lot about rejection (almost every single person I met was generous to a fault; there is only one blogger that was rude to me and I think she was just tired and NO I will NOT tell you who because I am becoming a better person, one that does not gossip--much). I was able to meet Amy and be shocked that not only was she nice, but she was excited to see ME--and even better, I was able to not gloat too much about that fact (OK, maybe just a little, but only to Sarah).

In other words, by only the grace of something bigger than me, I was able to NOT BE AN ASSHOLE AND ENJOY MYSELF. And you may think that's not unusual, but seriously? It totally is.

Many of you asked about the final keynote with Dooce and Stephanie Klein. It was highly entertaining--the theme was "Living the Truman Show" and they both talked about what it's like to live life so publicly on the web. Dooce mentioned that she only blogs about 10% of her life, which surprises me because I don't think that was true when I first started reading her blog five years ago. But I understand why--she gets death threats constantly, threats to her family, her dogs, her home--I can't imagine. I'd want to retreat a bit too. I didn't hear everything said because I ended up explaining to about half our table who "this Dooce person" was (yes, there are bloggers that have never read her blog--weird, huh?) and then who "this Stephanie person" was. They really had no idea. Eventually they started google-ing and I was able to listen. For a long, long time the person wielding the audience mic was standing right next to me and I tried, desperately, to come up with something to say. But everything I thought of was all "look at me and read my blog and please for the love of fucking God LINK TO ME SO I GET FAMOUS" so, after wise council from Sarah, I kept my mouth SHUT. NOT THAT THE OTHER BLOGGERS ASKING QUESTIONS WERE SAYING THAT. It's just what would have come out of MY mouth.

There was a kerfuffle that was a bit odd on all counts. I don't want to write about it because I felt about it one way initially and now feel completely differently (my discomfort with people who are or appear drunk because of my own alcoholism colored my initial impression; I'm not claiming anyone ELSE is a drunk, just that I am. Why it makes me uncomfortable, I don't know--it's not like I can "catch" alcoholism, a disease I already fucking have). If you want to read a fair approximation of my feelings about it (although I'm not quite as hard on Dooce as she is), check out Gwendomama (who was totally awesome all weekend rocking the microphone at the panels and was super sweet to me and OH MY GOD I can't believe she's able to do all that after losing a 13-month-old son).

All in all, that weirdness was NOTHING compared to the bizarre and moderately sexist closing reception which was held at MACY'S. Seriously. Like, hey! You're women! You'll buy ridiculously expensive ugly bags/shoes/lingerie just because we shove you wall-to-wall in those departments and get you drunk (the first floor--bags--also offered NO non-alcoholic alternatives. The fermented lemonade they offered was BOOZY. I was mad about that for two hours because I was SO FUCKING THIRSTY). That party, my friends, was truly bizarre. Blessedly, the final portion of the party was in the furniture section so that we finally got to sit the fuck down. Proof of me doing just that is in the final photo on I Am Bossy's entry about the party (thanks, Sheri, for the heads up about the photo).

But moving away from the final keynote, and back to what I was talking about (me! I was talking about me!), I guess what I'm saying is that with each passing day since I lost the boys, I'm finding it easier and easier to be at peace with God. I may never trust God directly, but I do trust the people that the universe puts in my path. And those folks have taught me more about setting the bad stuff aside and plunging forward than I ever dreamed possible. Because of that grace, BlogHer was wonderful for me. Because of that openness, I feel much less scared about the future. Because of that love, I was able to feel joy and happiness throughout. What more could a person ask for?

Comments

[Chickenpig]

This was a great post. Just when I thought you'd lost the thread and it wasn't making any sense you came around full circle and brought it back. :)

It's really weird, but I haven't read any of the blogs by the "famous" ppl you mentioned. The only time I have ever read Dooce is because I was linked there by YOU...and to be honest, I found her blog boring. I also didn't like the fact that there weren't any comments allowed. I haven't read it since. I will probably check out Stephanie's blog, because of this post, but I doubt if it will become one of the few blogs I read every day.

I'm glad you took your "best" attitude with you to Blogher, but I do find the edgy side of what you bring to blogging refreshing and honest. Don't throw it all away! It's part of what makes your blog really yours, very real and totally readable.

[jenn]

This was a beautiful, thoughtful post. It really spoke to me because I tend to turn on Sarcastic Funny Jenn when I'm feeling at my lowest self-esteem and body image-wise. And, man, I can be a bitch, but in a very crowd pleasing way. It leaves me feeling low and shitty afterward, even though it's like a high while I'm doing it.

I've made a kind of pact with myself (don't EVEN get me started about God) to be more self-accepting and even-keeled. I mean, if I don't start liking or accepting myself at 37, then when? 47? 87?

I think that blogging has been an amazingly empowering tool for our generation of women. I can't tell you how much it helps to read about other womens struggling with the same issues I do. It's so easy to imagine that it's just you & that everyone else is living the dream. So not true, and we need to acknowledge that and support each other.

[Jess]

I think a lot of us think of YOU as famous :)

[sizzle]

I felt that way the first time Stephanie talked to me. I was like: WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING WITH ME?! Then she mentioned knowing of my blog and I peed my pants.

I am kidding. I never peed my pants.

I get what you are saying though. I think "Famous" is all relative. And honestly, I'd never want to be as big in blogging as Dooce because of the tremendous pressure. I hold her in high esteem though and enjoy her writing immensely.

And Lesbian Dad? OMG I was riveted. That post was poetic and poignant and tore at my heart strings.

[Ally]

I love internet drama. I think that means I'm going to hell...I love Dooce and always will. I think what was written about her was weird, and the entry even said, "If I meet her I'll say it to her and it'll be ugly." And on the other hand, sounds like more grace from her Dooce-ness was called for.

On to the more important topic - I have found myself more and more seeing the world through the lens of "Christian" once more. Not in an outwardly, evangelical mode of course. It's just there, a part of me. I like it. It's strange. I hope it doesn't go away again.

[Green]

Cecily, I don't drink either. I'm not an alcoholic, but I simply don't drink. Next time you attend BlogHer in SF you can let me know when there are alcohol-only events and I'll sneak over and bring you some bottled water or iced tea or whatever you want. That's right. I will crash BlogHer for you.

[Clover]

This was a good post. But I haven't ever seen that angry, vicious Cecily. Funny, snarky, yes, but not in a vicious way.

I still want to hear about the infertility panel if you have anything left in you to write more about BH08.

[Sarah]

I absoutly can relate to what you are talking about. I always have to talk to myself and remind myself that my anxiety/narcissism etc comes from a very hurt place, and that even though I can be entertaining as all get out, I also lose out when I just take care of that part of myself. I remember sitting with you at the Thur night party, and maybe it was when you were having it sink in that SK was so welcoming, or something else good was happening and you looked up and said "Ok, I get the picture god." In that moment I could feel you letting yourself defrost a little--that you could make choices about how you would be and you would be met by grace and benevolence. Awesome post.

[maggie]

I have to say I was a little bit suprised at how much of a great time you had and how much networking you did based on your last networking event! I was very happy to read your "as you go" post and to see what a great time you were having - good for you for finding a way to get to a good place in your head before you left. So...the other stuff.. I just read all the differnent bloggs and got an idea of what happened and Heather had to have some baggage with her prior to the hobbit blog cuz honestly, it is a bit flattering to Heather. I can not understand how Heather would get so upset by that. There is a price for fame! You know the old saying "be careful for what you ask for, you may get it". Always drama!!

[Hazel]

I would think of you as famous too. Certainly if I walked by you in the street I'd be all, "Wow - that's Cecily! I read her blog!"

But anyway. I completely understand how you go into the conference wanting to leave your baggage behind. Its something I need to do more of. Even coming home from family events I'm mumbling to myself about how I made a fool of myself by doing something, and how they are laughing at me for something else.

Maybe I'll try leaving my baggage behind sometime too.

[Sarah]

Wow, thanks for the context on the drama and I'm pleased for you for not being in it. I'd say proud, but that's sort of weird.

On the god thing...when my daughter was smaller, my dad was obsessed with her religious upbringing. I am not religious (but I have had her baptized and given her some loose religious structure, but that's all a long story.) And I had to start thinking about what I did believe rather than rebelling or resisting or slacking. And I came away with prayer as a way to accept, to ask for help accepting me or life--the grand Serenity prayer in essence. Not to ask for something or to have something given to me. And I am not sure I am teaching my daughter (and son now) that lesson perfectly, but the thought process has been helpful.

[Porter]

Oh I love this post. I have issues with God myself but it's not necessarily trust issues, just having faith itself...BELIEVING in a higher power. Opening up to God is alot easier said than done. Great post.

[Stephanie Klein]

May I just say again how much I like you? It was so nice to spend time with you. I turned to Phil, when we saw you, and I said, "here, this is the woman I was telling you about... I really like her." I have to say, like-ness leads to liking... meaning, we like so much in others what we like in ourselves. I loved how your capacity for bullshit is as low as mine, that you're real and true to who you are. And who you are is someone I'd love to hang out with again.

[amy]

For the record, I've read Dooce in the past and read Stephanie occasionally... but I come here daily! Your blog feels real... each of theirs feel somewhat contrived. Yes, Stephanie writes great posts about her kids... but in the day to day, I prefer your thoughtfulness about the wide range of things discussed here. My point? Don't be so star-struck that you loose the Cec we all love.

[carmen]

Well, you know that I adore and worship you, and this post is a concrete reason why. Every SINGLE time I saw you, you were gracious and warm to me and I felt like I was meeting a true, honest celebrity.

Cecily fucking rocks.

The End. ;)

[Beth]

Blogher drama? Yawn. I'm much more interested in your impressions of Grover than Dooce. :-)

Seriously, you must buy Tori "The Monster at the End of This Book."

[Charlise]

I didn't go to Blogher - I am not a huge blogger, and didn't really see the point. And honestly I didn't really like most of what people had to say about it, before or after. I read your live blogging comments, and had no interest. In fact...I was glad I wasn't there. BUT - this post right here? Well, it made it more clear what Blogher can be for someone. It showed me what I was missing. Does that sound odd? I LOVED hearing how you were able to change a bit because of it - or for it - however that cycle worked for you. I loved hearing about what you learned. Thank you.

I think I want to go next year. I blame you.

[Whitney]

All I could think about, when reading about the funky cocktail party, was "oh my LORD, why on earth would they allow food and drink near all those handbags?!"....but I do have an odd love of ridiculously expensive handbags :)

[christian]

Let me begin by saying that i really like your blog www.uppercasewoman.com a lot
now.. back on topic haha
I cant say that im 100% with what you wrote... care to elaberate?