Uppercase Woman

Perspective

Yesterday, as Tori's wonderful babysitter was leaving the house for the last time--this lovely young woman that spent the whole summer making our lives better--she told me that she was conservative. Then she went on to say that her husband, who is studying to be a physician's assistant, had "reviewed" my case here on my blog and that something wasn't right about my story of losing the twins.

.
.
.

I managed to keep my head from exploding. I told her that probably what he didn't understand is that my doctor first tried to treat my pre-eclampsia to see if there would come a point where it could be medically managed so that my surviving son could stay with me until he was viable. That as a result of that, the disease got ahead of all of us, leaving just the one option to save my life. I tried to point out that the government interfering there, in my hospital room, was a great example of "big" government. I gently plead my case for voting against McCain. 

But I don't think she believed me. I don't think that anything I could say would make her vote differently.

.
.
.

Am I afraid of people that don't vote like me? I was accused of such in the comments to my last post. Maybe I am. Actually, I know that I am. It's a very strange, sometimes, being me. I get emails every so often from someone who tells me that I'm a selfish bastard, that I should have died with my twins, usually some passionately pro-life very, very, very young person that has stumbled across my blog. When I mention losing the twins to someone in person--not often, these days, only when someone really pushes--they ask questions, questions that I could easily construe as being mean or judgmental. You have no idea how often Charlie has to walk away from a conversation about the boys.

So yes, sometimes, I find myself filled with fear that when it becomes Tori's turn to be a mom, she won't be protected in the same way I was. That if someone votes differently from me, that will never change. There is also a very, very good chance that I take politics very personally. Because, well--it IS personal.

.
.
.

When I finished reading my emails this morning, I was furious. People who come to this blog often, people I really like, said some pretty harsh things about me. Before this post, I had a loooooong angry post written. I even sent some angry emails back to some folks. There is no doubt that when it comes to this election, I'm finding perspective to be a slippery fish. Even harder to find is my sense of humor. If I had a better sense of humor, I might have been able to let the comment calling me sexist for calling Hillary supporters "rabid" go (it's sexist because dogs get rabies, and female dogs are bitches, so I called some people bitches, apparently). I might have been able to make a funny joke about how, actually, the critters that get rabies now are mostly bats and raccoons (and how rabies has no gender preference), and let it go. But no. I sent a terse and angry email back.

.
.
.

I am beginning to understand why most "mommy" bloggers don't talk about politics. It gets rough. Normally, this blog is a peaceful place where everyone feels they can share their opinion, as long as they don't do it in an angry and hateful way.

Maybe I've been a bit angry and hateful lately. But you know what? This is my blog. And sometimes, I get to be an asshole here. I hope that those that have found me offensive in these last few days can find a way to be as tolerant of my different point of view as I am of theirs--most days.

But I don't think I can take any more comments calling me stupid. I think, if people can't allow me a little venting space here on my own blog, I might have to start doing some comment moderation (and I've closed comments on the last post). Because, frankly, I'm not that strong. I can't really take being kicked over and over. Sometimes I have to kick back.

.
.
.

Try to have a good holiday weekend, folks.

Is it morning already? Political Hangover

So, I couldn't sleep again last night. First just because I was winding down from Obama's speech, and then because the dogs we're babysitting kept barking (finally closed the windows--that fixed it). Woke up at 10:30 this morning in a panic--oh my God, we missed the babysitter! Tori slept until 10:30? Where is Tori! She's not in her crib! Ohmygodohmygodoh--wait. Is that Tori outside with the babysitter? Yeah. I totally slept through Charlie getting up, taking Tori downstairs, feeding her, the babysitter arriving, and Charlie coming back to bed.

Sheesh.

Then I set up my breakfast (yogurt and blueberries), grab some caffeine, and SHIT. McCain chose a woman?????

Way too much panic for my little brain.

So, quickly, did some research on this Palin character. Here's what I've learned about her so far:

1. Her first name is the same as my BFF's: Sarah. And right there is where the similarities end between the two.

2. She was Mayor of a small town (Wasilla) in Alaska, and served as Ethics Commissioner of the state's Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. Her husband is an oil production operator.

3. She supports--STRONGLY--drilling for oil in Alaska's wildlife refuges. Incidentally--McCain is opposed.

4. She has five children. Her fifth child has Down's Syndrome.

5. She is passionately anti-choice.

6. She beat entrenched politicians to become Governor of Alaska. She's considered a political outsider.

7. She apparently fired Alaska's Public Safety Commissioner after becoming Governor because he refused to fire a particular state trooper. That state trooper was in a custody battle with her sister. This is still under investigation.

8. Lifetime member of the National Rifle Association, and hunts and fishes.

9. She's a protestant.

10. I don't want her anywhere near running our country.

All info except for point #10 taken from here and here. #10 was taken from my heart.

Wow, McCain. Way to kill my convention buzz, dude. What I fear is that those rabid Hillary supporters who insist they will vote for McCain rather than vote for Obama because of what happened during the primaries can see past their anger and LOOK AT THE GODDAMNED POLICIES. Because ultimately, it's about POLICY and not PEOPLE.

Remember, rabid Hillary supporters: anger and resentment is like holding hot coals in your hands and waiting for it to burn the other person. Holding on to your anger at Obama, however, and voting for McCain, is going to burn the entire fucking country. Particularly those of us with ovaries.

However, I do want to note that already Ms. Palin is suffering from sexism--apparently, Twitter is alight with people calling her a VPILF because she's beautiful. THAT IS FUCKING WRONG. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. If it was a man, no one would be discussing how fuckable he is.

...

In an attempt to recapture last night's high after listening to Obama speak, let's just review a couple of highlights, shall we?

I loved the quote about how McCain "won't even follow him to his cave" about Osama Bin Laden. Love what he said about equal pay. Loved his quote about "if you don't have new ideas, you use stale tactics." Loved what he said about guns--"don't tell me we can't keep guns out of the hands of criminals." I loved what he said about equal pay.

Overall, however, I didn't find his speech last night as compelling as Joe Biden's the night before, or as good as some of his others. I thought is was safe (for instance, I would have liked a bit more about the 45th anniversary of MLK's "I have a dream" speech, but that might remind certain Americans that Obama is BLACK). But I also thought it was at least a bit more specific, which he needed to do.

But even if it wasn't his best speech ever, IT'S STILL SO GODDAMNED WONDERFUL TO SEE A POLITICIAN THAT CAN SPEAK ELOQUENTLY AND WARMLY AND GRACEFULLY. I know all politicians lie. But damn it, when they do it, I want to be fucking seduced by the lies. George Bush seduced in much the same way as those stupid frat boys used to hit on me at the bar back when I was young and hot--poorly, and when I said no, called me a dyke.

Obama? Well, I would have gone home with Obama.

So what did you think? Both of Palin and last night. Let's hear it.

Fired Up

Last night I tossed and turned and couldn't get to sleep until after 3am. I was all fired up from the evening's events.

Yesterday I headed into the city for a "tweet-up," meaning a gathering of local Twitter aficionados. It's basically a social networking event with some business elements tossed in there--almost everyone who attends is in some sort of marketing-related field so they all either do what I do or are looking for people that do what I do. Which is awesome.

But what I really love about it is the camaraderie and community; it gives me just a tiny dose of what I got at BlogHer on a local level. It's also not dissimilar from what I get from recovery meetings; everyone at the tweet-up and BlogHer is just as digitally addicted as I am, and no one thinks the guy that has a busy job but shows up to have a beer with us (no, I didn't have a beer, don't be silly) but works on his laptop at the same time is rude. It's awesome.

Plus, for fuck's sake, it's so nice to talk to ADULTS. About fun stuff, like our city, and restaurant reviews, and the suburbs, and politics, and even--yes--parenting. I forget sometimes how much I get out of that kind of social interaction, and frankly, since I've been working from home it's been pretty damned rare. In fact, for the five years BEFORE I worked from home, I didn't really have that either, since I worked at a college and I spent my days with 20 year olds.

Even before THAT, I never attended events like these in a relaxed and comfortable way. I was a marketing person or a public relations person so I was always representing the organization I worked for so I carefully covered my tattoos and spoke gently and only on safe subjects, and I certainly never ever said motherfucker.

At the tweet-up last night, I said motherfucker. Like at least four times. AND my ink was showing. It was fabulous.

The other reason I couldn't sleep is that I listened to Joe Biden's speech (I missed Bill Clinton, damn it) and well, WOW. I've always liked him--with the exception of the time around the Clarence Thomas hearings--and I knew he was smart, funny, and eloquent. But I didn't expect to be so, I don't know, ROUSED by his speech. I felt so excited listening to him, as I did when I listened to Hillary the night before. So joyful. So hopeful. So fucking AMERICAN.

It was awesome. I cannot wait until Obama's speech tonight. I might live blog it, although you all might find that annoying. Heh. Perhaps I'll just twit during the speech (meaning, I'll post comments to Twitter). Yeah. That's what I'll do. If you want, you can follow me on Twitter. My sign in is Cecilyk. But fair warning: Twittering is AWESOME and TOTALLY ADDICTIVE. Heh.

Bullet-y

I am on full on baby duty today as it's Charlie's day off (he's downtown taking photos and enjoying himself, I hope. But as a result you are getting the short shrift again on the ol' blog (I'm trying really hard these days to do five posts a week that are interesting. Guess what? That takes WORK). But here is a list of things I wish I could discuss in more detail today. Some ask for feedback (please!). :)

1. Hillary's speech last night. Wow, was that a class act or what? Best speak of her career. Wish I'd live blogged it because so many things she said were so awesome. But I think she said it best when she said "Were you in just for me?" Meaning, of course, that if you voted for her it was not JUST for her but her policies--which are in line with Obama's. So if you are still mad about the primaries and thinking about either not voting or voting for McCain, remember what she said last night--"No way, no how, no McCain."

2. Sesame Street's new website (still in beta). We got a preview of this at BlogHer (you didn't think I noticed, did you, nice woman at the Sesame Street suite since I was so busy drooling over Grover), and it really is pretty awesome. Right this minute, in fact, I'm able to write this post because Tori is playing a game with Elmo (she just has to hit any key on the keyboard to play). Check it out. Warning: site may cause toddler to demand "Games!" all the time. Warning #2: Because the site's in beta, sometimes it doesn't quite function. Can cause toddler and parent to tear out hair.

3. We're having an issue with Tori hitting. Not only is she hitting us, but yesterday she picked up her toy computer and (god, this is so awful) full-on smacked the dog in the head with it. Not only that, it wasn't Hammer, The Best Dog Ever (TM) who has a head like a rock; it was one of Sarah's dogs who are much more fragile (Sarah and family are on vacation, so we're dog sitting). If the dog had bit Tori I would have been fully on the dog's side. I've emailed the wise one (Moxie) but I really don't know what to do. I've seen a lot of various ideas, including on Moxie's site, about giving her something that it's OK to hit when she's frustrated. But Tori doesn't just hit out of frustration; it's more a "let's see what this does" kind of thing. So what to do? I know she'll grow out of it, I would just like the rest of us who live with her to do it without being scarred for life. Also, when she hits me in the face, laughs, and then hits me again it's all I can do not to hit back. Which I hate myself for.

4. I'm continuing my struggle to find less expensive health insurance, and there are some actual possibilities that might work (joining the local Chamber of Commerce, for instance) but right now we're still struggling with the $300 increase (nearly $200 just for me, and Charlie and Tori's also experienced a small increase of $120) a month. So, I'm thinking of adding a banner ad here to defray the cost some. Would you hate me? I know they can be annoying.

5. One other Tori detail; the eating. Oh, the eating. Or, should I say, the lack thereof. She would live entirely on juice and cheese nips if we let her. Her number one phrase these days is , "No, I don't like it!" no matter what we offer. I know this happens with toddlers, and that they manage to survive, but still. We're considering cutting out some snacks (the juice, by the way, is 80% water already) to see if this will increase her meal time (i.e. protein) eating. What do you think?

OK. That's all I got. Looking forward to your feedback. :)

The Final Nail in the Mommy Blog Coffin

As requested, I'm posting a recipe. Sigh. I'm busy with other stuff today, so this is all you get from me. :)

Utterly and completely stolen from September's issue of Cooking Light Magazine, page 148. With my substitutions.

Ziti with Spinach, Cherry Tomatoes, and Gorgonzola Sauce

Total time: 40 minutes (I did it in 25)

4 oz uncooked ziti (I used pennetti)
1/2 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil (didn't have it, used canola)
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved (used plum tomatoes, chopped)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper (whatever, just shook some in there)
1 garlic clove, minced
6 tablespoons half-and-half
3 tablespoons Gorgonzola Cheese, crumbled
1 cup fresh spinach (I used baby)

Cook pasta according to direction, omitting salt and fat; drain.

Heat oil in large non-stick skillet (or the old one you have kicking around that no longer no-sticks) over medium heat. Add tomatoes, salt, crushed red pepper, and garlic to pan; cook one minute, stirring occasionally. Stir in half-and-half and Gorgonzola cheese; cook two minutes or until slightly thick, stirring constantly (or whenever you get the chance because a toddler is trying to climb onto the stove). Stir in spinach and pasta; cook one minute or until spinach wilts, tossing occasionally. Yield: two servings.

If you're me, you also take some of Trader Joe's pre-cooked grilled chicken breast and lay in attractively on top, until you trip over the dog getting it to the table and the chicken falls to the floor, at which point three dogs (because you're babysitting your BFF's dogs) all get it before you do and you have to go thaw more.

It's delicious. Enjoy.

Fit VS. Fat

I realize, now--after the last two posts--why I've been so reluctant to write about the election. Over the course of the last three years I've managed to establish a lovely balance with my readers, regardless of our political affiliations or beliefs, and I cherish that. So when I get all blunt and mission-statementy, I invariably piss off a lot of people. Either those that send me links to articles that prove gay marriage ends traditional heterosexual marriage, or someone who had a horrible experience with military health care is angry when I say flippantly, "well, it's better than nothing," or someone else is totally shocked that I think Obama will lead just fine with only 143 days of experience in the Senate (and I'm suppressing, sort of, the urge to add in a snarky, "But hey, didn't Bush technically have experience? How did that work out?" OK, maybe not suppressed at all).

I don't like having an imbalance in the comment section of this blog, and I always feel a little worried when suddenly people are having conversations (or, really, arguments) in the comment section between each other and I think, "No! Blog is place of peace!" and therefore I should keep my mouth shut. Sigh.

But I wouldn't be me if I didn't talk about it. Plus, I know as the election draws nearer that I feel more and more rigid and intolerant in my beliefs. Most of the time I'm pretty good at listening to the other side, but right now I feel so fucking terrified of eight more years of the same that I find myself screaming in my head, "You guys had your chance! It's our turn! Get out of the way!" I'm sorry. I know you are all used to me being more polite. I'll try. I don't want to create acrimony, and everyone has a valid opinion. Even if it's wrong. Heh.

So, anyway, on to a new topic!

Several folks emailed me this article. Turns out, a major study found that sometimes it is better to be fit and fat than to be skinny and unhealthy. Isn't that just the most exciting news? Meaning, "we're the fattest nation and we're all gonna diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" hysteria that has become part of our culture is, as many in the fat acceptance movement have been saying, complete bullshit. Here's a snippet:

Last week a report in The Archives of Internal Medicine compared weight and cardiovascular risk factors among a representative sample of more than 5,400 adults. The data suggest that half of overweight people and one-third of obese people are “metabolically healthy.” That means that despite their excess pounds, many overweight and obese adults have healthy levels of “good” cholesterol, blood pressure, blood glucose and other risks for heart disease.

At the same time, about one out of four slim people — those who fall into the “healthy” weight range — actually have at least two cardiovascular risk factors typically associated with obesity, the study showed.

The article goes on to say that, sure, worrisome health factor exist in fat people, but "overweight" is NOT synonymous with "unhealthy." Read it. It's quite interesting.

I've known this for a while. These days, I go back and forth between trying to monitor what I eat (by that I mean, dieting) and practicing intuitive eating as part of the HAES philosophy. But this summer I've also been working hard at doing something, anything, physical every day to increase my fitness. Lately I've been taking the dog for a brisk 1.5 mile walk (a walk where the dog drags his ass behind me because he hates walking fast) up and down some slight hills. I've found this helps not only my overall health but also my migraines as well as my mood. Fitness is definitely the way to go.

This last two weeks Charlie and I have been working hard on only eating good food, and skipping restaurants and takeout. We're doing that "shop around the edges" of the grocery store thing and cooking everything from scratch, which means that the food is better tasting and lower calorie. We've also been trying to do the prep in advance, although some of that kind of failed (apparently, you cannot slice potatoes in advance and then leave them for four days before cooking. They become very wood-like). It's working; the scale is moving and we're both feeling better. But while I like that, of course, I more like the fact that cooking food, and cooking food that tastes great (I made this awesome penne with Gorgonzola sauce I found in Cooking Light that rocked, for instance) makes me feel cared for. And for me, feeling cared for benefits my well-being more than anything else.

What I'm still working on, ad infinitum, is my relationship with my body. Recently I "friended" a guy on Flickr--the guy who did the original drawing that became the tattoo on my back--and he posts a lot of (basically pornographic) photos of women, including the fantastic April Flores (who's website goes by the I-wish-I-thought-of-it name Fatty Delicious). Anyway, Coop has posted photos of April like this one (probably not safe for work), and she is so unbelievably hot and beautiful--and self confident-that it makes me want to cry. Because I know for sure that there was a time when my body looked a lot like that. In fact, it didn't look that far from that right before I started infertility treatments (God, I was in such great shape then) and I had NO IDEA. I hated my body with a passion then, as well as when I was younger and had big, glorious perky breasts that I had absolutely no appreciation for (men did, though, and this led to my attempt-to-develop-self-esteem-through-slutiness days).

After infertility, pregnancy (and loss), and finally, breastfeeding, I've learned to be so much more tender with my body. I still struggle with hating elements of it (you can take my belly flap when you go, thanks), but overall I find myself, now, at forty, finally feeling a kind of fondness toward my poor, beaten body. It's not what it was, and without major miracles and expensive surgical intervention it never will be. But it's mine, and it housed and fed the most amazing person I know.

So I will continue on this path of self-acceptance, and focus on fitness rather than my fatness. Hopefully it will also continue to be easy to good good meals for my family (Charlie sharing cooking duties is helping a LOT). But I have to say, it makes it easier to stay the course when I have scientific studies to back me up. Heh.

One Issue Voter

My friend Griffin once said to me, "Everyone is, when you come right down to it, a one-issue voter." I don't know if that's true, but I will agree that everyone has at least one issue that is critical to them.

Many of you (gently) accused me of being a one-issue voter, and it's simply not true. While the issue of choice is, of course, very high up there on the list of things that matter to me there are many, many, MANY other issues that factor heavily into my voting preferences. Just to prove it, here are a few that I think are critical.

1. Health Care. I believe we need socialized medicine. Yes, I do. Yes, I know that many who participate in socialized medicine--whether in Canada or here in the US as a military family--have complaints and say, "It's not great medical care." I don't want to be harsh, but you know what? That argument is one of intense fucking privilege. You may think you aren't getting the "best" care, but you do not know what it is like to be a small child, sitting up in her bed at night while her mother pounds her back trying to help her breath, knowing that your mother is freaking out because you need to go to the emergency room--again-- and you have no insurance. You can't imagine what it's like to be the mother who has to decide, "Is she really sick enough to take in?" I spent much of my childhood that way. My asthma was completely unmanaged as a child, so I spent a huge amount of time in crisis at Emergency Rooms. If we'd had insurance, guess what? I could have been taking an inexpensive medication that had been available since the 50's that would have prevented most of my asthma attacks. So, you know what? You're "socialized medicine is mediocre health care" argument has NO SWAY with me. Mediocre health care beats NO health care, hands down, every time. Not only that, but even mediocre health care SAVES a ton of money! Do you know how much less it would have cost for me to go to regular doctor visits instead of our frequent ER trips? It's insane. The argument is completely illogical.

Additionally, one of my commenters said to me that she's been misdiagnosed and dismissed by doctors as part of the military health care system. I'll tell you what I told her; insurance doesn't help that, sadly. Even with the "best" (according to several reviewing sites, that's what I have, only because in my state that is the "fail safe" coverage and I could not be refused) health insurance available today, I've been treated badly, misdiagnosed and ignored by doctors (everyone remember the endocrinologist that couldn't bring herself to touch me because of my fatness? And she refused to treat my insulin resistance? Yeah). I can't even really blame the doctors, honestly (well, maybe once in a while). Doctors are working under shitty fucking conditions these days with health care plans that dictate they never give more than ten minutes a patient. Plus, they have to pay such a high malpractice insurance rate (particularly in my state; in ten years, we won't have any OB/GYNs left at the rate they are leaving our area) they can hardly manage to pay off their exorbitant medical school bills.

Our Health Care system--while innovative--is NOT FUNCTIONAL. I believe it is critical that our next president does something about the 45 million people in this country that do NOT have health insurance. I believe they also need to do something to help folks like me, folks who are paying more in health insurance premiums than they are their mortgage. At this point, we're trying to decide which family member to cut off; should we risk cutting Tori's health plan and then hope that we can get her signed up with the state's kids coverage before anything bad happens? Do we stop Charlie's, since over all he's actually pretty healthy but he's getting close to that age where he needs physicals and prostate exams? Sadly, we know we can't cut mine off. With the migraines and the other minor issues I have going on--nothing terribly serious, however--I have to have coverage (although I am trying to find a way to get group coverage, which should save a little on our now astronomical monthly bill). I also worry about my friends that can't afford to get coverage, and there are quite a few. I'm not saying I want the government to pay for my health insurance (well, OK, I do, but I know it's not going to happen), but is there any way they could stop my plan from going up $3,000 in one year?

Obviously, this issue is important to me.

2. Gay Marriage. It should be legal. Suck up and deal with it. GAY MARRIAGE DOES NOT HURT YOUR STRAIGHT MARRIAGE. If gay marriage is hurting your marriage, there is something wrong with YOUR marriage, NOT THE GAYS. I cannot vote for anyone that does not support gay marriage. I am sick and tired of watching homosexuals get treated as second-class citizens, or worse, as DISEASED. It's normal, it doesn't hurt anyone, now shut up and mind your own business. I know that sound harsh and some of you might feel a bit slapped. I'm not going to apologize.

3. The fucking war.  We have to get out of Iraq. We have to go fix the mess we allowed to develop in Afghanistan while we were fucking around killing and getting killed in Iraq.  I don't mean "yank all the troops out now and fuck what happens." We need a sensible exit strategy that allows Iraq to stand on its own and perhaps helps us earn back a bit of the credibility we've lost in the last eight years in the world.

Hetty mentioned in the comments in the last post that the what's going on in the world, such as Russia invading Georgia and threatening Poland calls for an "experienced hand at the wheel." That might be true. Happily, I think Obama is quite capable of working with people who know what they are doing on the world stage, and perhaps--unlike McCain (see this article for a mention of McCain's legendary temper on the diplomatic stage)--of doing it in such a way that doesn't piss off the rest of the world.

As far as Russia goes, well. Don't you think we've somewhat lost credibility there? Who are we to say, "hey, you, bully--don't go attacking an occupying sovereign nations without provocation, you!" Remember the reasons Bush gave for going into Iraq were a web of lies--no link to 9/11 AT ALL, no weapons AT ALL, and no plans to attack the US AT ALL--so who are we to talk tough with Russia?

I listen to the BBC News Hour most days, and I hear dignitaries from other countries discuss the US in scathing, awful terms. THE REST OF THE WORLD EITHER HATES OR PITIES US. Don't you want a president that might do a bit to heal that awful wound? I do. And I know for a FACT that man isn't McCain.

...

There are many smaller issues that factor into my voting choices. But overall, when I look at the two candidates available, my choice based on my beliefs and dreams for our nation, is Obama. Hands down. No, he's not perfect. There is no candidate on the ticket that fits my needs (and if you mention Nader, I will come poke you. Hard. Nader is NOT an option!) perfectly. But I do believe in being an optimist and I will, come November, vote for Obama and PRAY that he wins. Because right now I do not feel like a citizen of my own country. I haven't since Clinton was president. And I want that to change.

Politics, oh how I have avoided thee of late

I have totally avoided politics lately. But I'm geared up now, and I'm going to address some recent things (OK, some NOT so recent) that I've seen/heard because I KNOW YOU ARE ALL WAITING WITH BAITED...UM...EYES. Yeah.

I'm listening to "Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks just to get riled up. OK.

1. I'm sure this isn't news to most of you--I'm very late on it--but apparently the Bush Administration is already revving up the "change a whole bunch of shit right before I leave office since I don't have to run for re-election so I don't care what people think" party. First up, Birth Control! I quote:

Health and Human Services officials are considering a draft regulation that would classify most birth control pills, the Plan B emergency contraceptive and intrauterine devices as forms of abortion because they prevent the development of fertilized eggs into fetuses.

The rule, which does not require congressional approval, would allow health care workers who object to abortion on moral or religious grounds to refuse to counsel women on their birth control options or supply contraceptives. It would forbid more than half a million health agencies nationwide that receive federal funds from requiring employees to provide such services. Pharmacists could use the rule as a justification for refusing to fill birth control prescriptions, and insurance companies could cite it as a basis for declining to cover the costs.

Awesome! Color me completely unsurprised (for more, see this Washington Post article). The proposal is in draft form, and apparently there is some evidence that the Secretary of HHS is backing down on the proposal (cannot find link, sorry). But this Slate article both accurately address the fallacy of such a ban (such as the fact that birth control pills are actually designed to completely prevent ovulation, therefore eliminating any "embryo" that would thus be stopped from implanting) and highlights the idea that, hey, in that case, we should also ban breastfeeding since it does the SAME DAMN THING. Amen. By the way? None of this involves congress. Can be signed into law by Bush, and Bush alone. Awesome.

2. The "Elitist" title. This makes me absolutely, utterly, completely motherfucking bat shit crazy. Somehow or other, Obama has been stuck with "elitist" (why? Because he once fucking complained about the price of arugula? Give me a fucking break already). When you compare our two candidates, side by side, who REALLY looks like a fucking elitist? The guy who was raised by a single mom--who once had to go on food stamps to make sure he got fed, or the guy with the $520 shoes? The guy who  worked as a community organizer in Chicago's low-income Roseland Community (before going to law school), or the guy who dumped his first wife to marry an heiress and then use her family connections to get him into political office?

I'm not saying that McCain had an easy childhood; he grew up as a military brat, and I know that can be hard. But he always had both parents, a roof over his head, and the security that his needs would be met. Personally, as someone that grew up the child of a single mother and poor (and spent time watching her mother's shame when we had to use food stamps, oh, and like Obama, my mother also went on to earn a PhD), I have a lot more respect for someone like Obama who had to shake off a tough and lonely childhood to move forward in his life (not to mention that whole being black thing). But we all know I'd be prone to Obama and opposed to McCain anyway, so I won't claim to be unbiased.

The truth is, both Obama and McCain are rich men. I doubt either of them has had to worry, recently, if they have enough money for anything. However: in my opinion, Obama has been closer to the real world more recently, by far, than McCain has. Obama was still a college student, working while going to school while McCain was happily adjusting to the life of the very, very rich. So while they are both rich, privileged men now, I believe wholeheartedly that Obama understands the pain of my recent $161 increase in my monthly medical insurance bill far more than McCain does. (All details about the candidates garnered here and here.)

3.  John McCain is moderate. He IS NOT. He somehow earned this reputation and it is totally undeserved. I've frequently seen articles that say "the religious right is unhappy with McCain." Really? Why? This article breaks down all the reasons, but here's the man himself talking about my favorite issue, choice:

Wow, what an incredibly moderate position, right? (Thanks to Pam for the link.)

I know many of you readers--my lovely, lovely readers--are much more right of center than I am (seriously, there is no room to the left of me), and will feel that I am attacking McCain unfairly. Trust me when I tell you, I am not--for instance, I didn't at all get into all the rumors of affairs that have been flying around him and the whole double standard as far as sexual misbehavior goes (Democrats who do it are investigated and hounded to death, while Republicans seem to be given a pass--unless it's a homosexual affair, of course). I also didn't talk about how McCain's first wife waited for him for five years while he was a POW, and how she had a bad car accident but refused to tell him because he was at war because she didn't want to upset him, or that she was disfigured in the accident and many speculate that's why he dumped her for Cindy and married her a month after his divorce was final. See? I didn't attack him at all, because I left that all out and didn't talk about what that means to me as far as things like character go, or discuss the interesting fact that Obama as he grew up seemed to make better choices, choices that should be viewed as more popular like joining a church even though he was raised without religion, marrying his college sweetheart and sticking with her--that sort of thing.

See? I wasn't unfair, right? Heh.

The Pollen Center Of The Universe

...is apparently my nose. My fucking allergies have flared up in a big way, so I'm all befuddled from allergy pills--which means a boring post from me. But it includes video!

I have some links to post, but first, ALL HAIL SARAH! Yesterday Sarah completed her second year of her amazing photograph project. For TWO YEARS she took a daily self-portrait. It's been amazing to watch her grow as both a person and an artist. Go tell her congrats here, and view year two of the project here. I'm so proud of her!

First link: new post at Type-A Mom. Second link: been doing some ch-ch-ch changes at my professional site. Check it out, please, and tell me what you think. Next up to do there is a new design to reflect my "social media maven" role.

Lastly, a short video staring Tori blowing bubbles for Hammer, The Best Dog Ever™ while Alvin, our neighbor's six-month-old yorkie puppy desperately tries to get someone to pay attention to him (warning, he yaps. CONSTANTLY and he's here til Thursday). Oh, and now I must go, because life as I know it is over: my daughter just uttered the words "Mommy, watch me!" for the first time.  Sigh.

Hand, Foot, Mouth: Not the usual story either

First off, I am going to make a confession: I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. So, please, read the rest of this post with that fully in the forefront of your mind. OK? Cecily=asshole. So.

Charlie is sick. At first it was just a bad sore throat that wouldn't go away. Luckily, unlike the last sore throat he had that wouldn't go away that he allowed to turn into a raging infection before he'd see a doctor, he went on Friday to get checked out. The doctor wasn't sure, but she suspected that he had Hand, Foot and Mouth disease thanks to the weird bumps in his throat. By Friday night, Charlie developed the tell-tale lesions on his hands, confirming the diagnosis (and yes, it usually only affects children). Charlie prefers to call it by the much more frightening-sounding Coxsackie Virus, and on Saturday morning was to be found perched in a chair googling the virus and uttering frequent "oh my gods."

I tried to be sympathetic, I swear. I really did. After all, we've only just achieved this fabulous peace and harmony in our marriage and I want nothing more than to keep that peace. But frankly, I got pretty snappy once Charlie started saying things like, "I'd better go check into a hotel so I don't give this to Tori."

I suggested he call the doctor again and let her know that he was feeling worse, and find out what his chance was of giving us all the disease. When that doctor didn't call back quickly enough to make Charlie stop doing his anxiety dance about it, I broke one of those codes of friendship and contacted our two friends that are doctors. Doctor Friend One laughed with me, which was nice, and told him not to worry too much, but did agree that canceling a family lunch that included Charlie's nursing-home-residing mother was a good idea. Doctor Friend Two assured Charlie that his hands with the lesions weren't toxic and he was still responsible for changing the occasional diaper. Both doctor friends felt fairly certain that Tori's cold (and mine, probably) a week or so ago was probably actually this virus, and that she's already had it and so is not at risk. Not long after those conversations, Charlie's doctor also called back and repeated all of the above.

My friends, I'm afraid it wasn't long after that when I began to lose my patience. I believe the words, "Look, it's not fucking PRE-ECLAMPSIA!" left my mouth. Yes, indeed, I went there. I know he's sick, but seriously--let's get real. Men, God love 'em, are the worst patients in the universe.

You've all seen this, right?

Is that not the best characterization of a sick man that you've ever seen?

Humor aside, what I really hate about the situation isn't his illness. He's really sick--it's obvious by the amount of ibuprofen and Tylenol he keeps taking for the throat, and how much he's sleeping. I won't deny it. What I hate about it is my complete and utter inability to be sympathetic. Part of it is because I handle illness so differently; last week when I had a sore throat and a cold I pretty much went on as normal with the one exception being I slept a bit more--but only during Tori's naps. Charlie's illness has, of course, thrown our new found "balance" system aside (what were all those comments about how something would come along and throw the balance off? Did that have to come so true fucking IMMEDIATELY?), so I spent most of the weekend doing single parenthood. Which is understandable (Good Lord, how do single parents manage? I can't handle a day and a half. Oh, and Charlie got up with the baby on Sunday and let me sleep in. Yeah.), but makes me cranky. Unreasonably so.

When Tori is sick, I can tenderly administer medication, gently wipe her nose, and coo soothing songs to her without feeling at all put upon. When the dog is in pain, I happily shove pain pills down his throat, make him special treats, and pat him extra and tell him I love him. When Sarah is sick, I'll drive across town to make sure she has chicken soup (although her father always beats me there). But Charlie? I mutter angrily, stomp around, make him food reluctantly, and fetch him pills with all the kindness and grace of Oscar the Grouch.

Which makes me an asshole.

I need a magic wand to wave over me and instill a sympathy gene in my DNA specifically geared toward my husband. In a hurry. Because frankly, my unkind attitude is fucking up our new found happiness. Gah.

Marital Balance **UPDATED**

It always comes back to balance, doesn't it? **Updated to add: speaking of balance, wanna read Charlie's input? Enjoy.**

So Charlie and I had a really nice time in the mountains the last couple of days (mostly getting the place ready for renters, not really to have fun ourselves). We also got a chance to talk without fighting, and I think we worked a lot of stuff out. In fact, this was the first trip up there where we didn't fight at all, and were able to balance parenting/cooking/dog wrangling duties in a way that allowed us to enjoy ourselves and get some work done.

Some of that was low expectations--both of us went into the trip a little worried. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to work, and that I would be stuck in the trailer with a cranky, bored child and a cranky, bored husband (oh, and a cranky, depressed wife cause the trailer? It's not really working out to be just like camping with a bathroom). Because that's how it's been before. Plus, Charlie started to get a cold while we were up there--basically, we had all the necessary ingredients for big fights and simmering resentments.

But it didn't happen.

Before I talk about what we figured out (which I am doing with Charlie's full permission), let me say THANK YOU to everyone that wrote a comment. It was interesting--basically, everyone fell into two camps (or so it seems): the "gee I wish more people wrote about it so I don't feel so alone" camp and the "hold on a minute--this shit is permanent (meaning the posts would always be out there) and besides, it would be all one sided and unfair." OK, maybe there are really three camps--and frankly, I agree with all sides. I'd like to feel less alone (and, for those that expressed a need to vent, here's a site that might help--a place to talk about marriage with other folks) but I also don't want to hurt Charlie with what I write (no to mention that blogging about your marriage can bite you in the ass--no one wants those posts to end up in a divorce or custody battle).

But what struck me the most about everyone's comments is that almost everyone admitted, in a general way, that marriage is tough at times. Tiffany said to me in her recent comment on the post, "No one ever said marriage is easy." I don't think that's true--I think most of the messages we get from society DO tell us that marriage is easy, or at least it SHOULD be and if you are having problems, well, you are doing it wrong. I know that I feel that way. And even though my head knows that NO long-term relationship (be it friend, lover, or family member) is always easy, my heart keeps thinking that I'm a failure every time Charlie and I fight.   

For our marriage, our greatest joy has become our greatest challenge. Parenting Tori has flipped everything on its head, and we now have a whole set of habits, behaviors, and patterns that are simply NOT WORKING. Luckily, I feel like we discovered them in time so that we can make some changes and try to re-organize things so we don't both feel so damned spent all the time.

Before I talk about it specifically (and I am going to be specific), I think it's important that I mention how parenting has changed as a whole--at least for those in my socio-economic class (and pardon me as I am now going to speak entirely out of my ass from my own experience). It's only been in recent years that part of parenting has been looking after the emotional well-being of your child. Now, that doesn't mean that parents haven't wanted happy children since the dawn of time, but parenting didn't include making sure your child has a well-rounded experience every. single. day. I know I worry about this a lot; I always feel like my very first priority is Tori's happiness, no matter if it comes at the expense of my work--or my play--or my marriage. Charlie and I both arrange our lives around Tori's needs and wants. This is not how parenting used to be; kids used to have to just cope with what time (and love) their parents could spare. You need look no further for proof than the absence of the playpen in middle class households now--most of us (or, at least, the parents I know in real life) would no more stick a child in a playpen with a couple of toys for hours on end than they would allow that child to watch TV for hours on end (not that I haven't let the TV do some child management, believe you me). In other words, the parenting I want to do--and believe is right for my child--means a great deal of sacrifice, for everyone. This was a breakthrough realization for me.

What helped facilitate this breakthrough for me was a comment someone left (forgive me, commenter, but I cannot for the life of me find your comment--wait! It was Paula!) that once a child comes into your family, priorities change. Husbands go from sharing (in best case scenarios) the number one spot in the household to third place. In fact, in our house, Charlie actually dropped down to fourth place--behind the fucking DOG. Basically, Tori's needs came first, then mine (because I was actually feeding Tori with my body), then the dog, then Charlie.

At first, this worked. Charlie doing all the fetching/carrying/etc-ering made him feel useful and needed. When I was trapped with either a pump or baby on the boob, he felt like he was doing equal parenting by fetching me water and getting me food and tossing in a load of my laundry. He didn't mind making sure the dog got walked and played with so that the dog didn't feel displaced by the baby, or running to the store at all hours, or feeding the baby a bottle so I could get a bit of extra sleep.

Then, of course, I went back to work--which made it worse. He spent the day caring for Tori, and then I'd come home tired and edgy and sad about being away from Tori and he'd take care of me more. But then I quit that job, and came home. Some of this set-up was still working because I was still nursing Tori, and my migraine problems added a new dimension to it. Plus I started to do a lot of cooking and this made Charlie feel like things were balanced.

But the cooking didn't last; it was too time consuming and I resented it. Then in February, Tori stopped nursing. And suddenly, the fragile "balance" we had (which was already showing signs of wear) became completely out of whack. I hated that Charlie was always doing things for me and never left me alone to just do it myself. He felt confused and unwanted, and was beginning to be a bit resentful about a few of the things he was doing. So how did this manifest? Charlie began being constantly annoyed at the dog, which made the dog become incredibly needy (and if you've ever seen a 100 pound needy pit bull, you can just imagine how annoying that was). I began to feel like I wasn't ever alone, that I never had time to myself, and I began to be incredibly annoyed at Charlie all the time (like, his breathing annoyed me). We had no clear rule or spaces or times set aside for ANYTHING. Everything was catch-as-catch can--including work--and nothing was very functional.

So how did we resolve this? Basically, by taking a good, hard look at our management systems and realizing where they don't work. Charlie, because he falls asleep easily and early, was always getting up with Tori in the morning and letting me sleep (a habit that started because of migraines). As a result, he was always tired. Charlie was also still the only one walking the dog (a holdover from when I wasn't allowed to walk the dog--um, an issue that ended over two years ago). I was responsible for all the cooking and cleaning, although Charlie did the dishes. I also did most of the night-time Tori wake-ups, did her laundry, and picked/bought/managed her clothing/products, and her baths.

So, here's what's being changed.

1. We are alternating mornings. Now, every other day one of us sleeps in.

2. We are alternating dog walking.

3. We are going to (hopefully) create a menu for the week together, shop together, and do prep together once a week so that either one of us can do the actual cooking. We plan to do prep during Tori's nap time. This will not only help us both eat better and save money, but will give us a designated "together" period where we don't just crack open our laptops the minute the baby is asleep.

4. We are going to schedule a weekly nighttime babysitter so that we can go to dinner and a meeting together once a week.

5. Charlie is going to take Tori out of the house once a week to give me a couple of hours where I can be alone. I already take Tori out twice a week in the mornings (some of the meetings I go to offer babysitting), which gives him alone time.

6. I am going to continue getting my nails done and going to a movie alone once a week or so for me time. Charlie is taking Wednesdays to go to train yards and hang with his train buddies.

7. Tori is going into morning care three mornings a week this fall, giving us better time to work and her a chance to get socialized, etc (and maybe potty trained--heh). This gives us about six hours a day of no Tori time (the three hours at morning care, and then the three hour nap after lunch).

Additionally, Charlie is resigning his job as my personal bell hop. Which is awesome, because while you think it would be nice to have someone do all your fetching and carrying, it just pisses me the fuck off (especially when it means that sometimes he actually takes things out of my hands so he can open them/fix them, etc).

I feel like things are in a much better balance now, and we are working towards being partners again. Which is awesome, and makes me exceedingly happy.

Now. If we could just tackle my sex drive...le sigh.

The Mommy Blogging White Elephant

When I wrote about the fact that Charlie and I had been fighting a lot lately, I seem to have stumbled into a Mommy Blogging no-go zone. It seems that very few of us who focus our blogs on our lives and our families discuss our marriages much.

I get that; I mean, until that post I barely mentioned any of the clashes Charlie and I experience, and if I did I always made it clear that I was at fault and that I'd been unreasonable. I never brought up Charlie's role (and yes, he does have a role sometimes). Even in that particular post I was very vague, which is odd for me. I'm a super "naked blogger" meaning there is very fucking little about me you folks that read here regularly don't know.

There are several constraints; first off, Charlie reads this blog. So it's not like I can discuss our fights here the way I'd discuss them with, say, Sarah--and that's only because Charlie says that in the event of a divorce, I get custody of Sarah (no, there is no divorce on the horizon). When I need to rant and rave, it's Sarah I talk to. She gets the down and dirty reality, and frankly, that usually diffuses me enough that I don't need to talk to anyone else. If the situation is really bad (and yes, sometimes it's really bad) I might also call my spiritual adviser that I can stop focusing on Charlie and look at my role in the situation. That always chills me out, and soon apologies can happen.

But I have to admit, when things are going rough between us--like they have been lately--I find myself feeling like a liar when I don't talk about it here. In fact, I get a kind of blogger's writer's block because the main thing on my mind is the thing I don't write about. That's a rough feeling. It's not like I feel as if I owe the truth to you guys; it's more like I owe the truth to myself.

I think that having a child--or more than one--changes marriage in big, big ways. And it's not just the energy and time drain that a child is (with great rewards, natch). It's the changes in sleep, the changes in schedule, the difficulty in maintaining a sex life (or, say, the complete absence of a sex drive in my case), the way flexibility and freedom just vanish--it takes a toll. A huge toll. Charlie and I simply do not have the same relationship that we did three years ago. Not only that, we don't even have the same freedom to fight that we did before Tori was born. Our fights (or heated discussions, if you like) are constantly being interrupted so that we don't yell in front of Tori. It can take hours--even days--to finish a discussion. Gone are the days of blowing our tops and then working it out until it's done.

Every single element of our dynamic has changed because of Tori. But our relationship has gone through a lot already: getting sober, me going back to school, Charlie getting laid off, infertility, pregnancy, loss. It seems like it should be easy for us to get over this too, right? Except in the case of having a child, there's no "getting over" it. It is a completely new state of being--more like getting sober was than anything else. Except, honestly? Having a child is harder, and changes your life more. So while we love Tori completely, utterly, and beyond reason, we're still figuring out how to be a couple that are parents.

I wish I knew why more of us don't write about these struggles. I can't imagine that we wouldn't all end up benefiting, the same way we benefit from every thing else we share with each other. I know how much it helped me, getting all your comments on my last post. It's made this rough patch much easier.

What do you guys think? Do you keep marriage issues to yourself on your blog, or do you share it?

Tuesday: All Over The Place Post

I should be working. Charlie was kind enough to take Tori to the soaking wet playground so I could get some work done, but here I am, blogging. Again. :)

First off, I need to confess that I truly do not know of what I speak in that video. What I MEANT to say and what I said are miles apart (I blame the lack of sleep; yeah, that's it) so please forgive me for being so dead wrong. Babies are NOT always horribly injured when they are delivered early. They can be, and I know I've seen photos of such, but it is not always that way. So I am so sorry for being inaccurate.

So that's that.

Also, I realized I left a major thing out of my write up for Tori's 26 month letter. In the last month or so she's been trying on various emotions, but her favorite by far is "scared." She pretends to be scared of things all the time. It cracks me up. She announces that she is scared, and comes running over to be cuddled and protected. Mostly she's scared of dinosaurs, which is apparently a problem in our house. We appear to be infested with dinosaurs. Which is hilarious.

I'm also coming to realize that a lot of my mood these last few days is related to the food I've been eating. I've been alternating between utter fucking crap (no, seriously--crap crap crap) and healthier food that includes vegetables. I think it's contributing to my mood swings.

The problem about making sure we always have good food comes down to one thing and one thing only: I do not want to prepare it. I go through phases; when I first quit my job to work from home I was making food all the time. It was awesome. But that lasted, like, three months and I went right back to not wanting to mix or chop or bake anything.

Sigh.

I need to change this, because when I go too long eating unhealthy food thoughts of gastric bypass begin to dance in my head (I am opposed to getting a bypass, for me. Mostly because I don't know anyone that has sustained the weight loss for more than five years. Well, maybe one person. Plus, you know how I am with things like surgery. I don't exactly do well. I don't want to be a statistic anymore). Did you know the reason bypass patients lose weight is because they can only ingest 500 calories  a day? Do you know what they would call that without bypass? Anorexia. I'm just saying.

So, anyway, I know what I need to do is create a menu plan and actually do some advance prep so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. I've enlisted Charlie, so that I'm not doing it alone (hey! growth! I can't do it all myself! And I admit it!). So I could use y'all's help. :D

I need recipes and menu guidance. Here are my restrictions:

1. I do not own a crock pot, and I will probably never own a crock pot because Charlie thinks everything cooked in a crock pot is gross. Even stew. Yeah, really.

2. Charlie can't eat garlic or onions (he has bad reflux). I can, and love them both. Sigh.

3. Charlie mostly only likes chicken. Although he will eat Mexican flavored things (as long as they aren't too spicy, see reflux above. I love spicy).

4. Tori lives entirely on mac & cheese and chicken nuggets. With occasional apple slices and raisins. Things she will eat, however, if pressed: pizza and pasta, any kind.

5. Charlie doesn't like salads. I love them.

So. Um, help?

Monday Melancholy *edited*

Feh.

I'm not sure what's up with me today, but I have a major case of the blahs. I don't know why. I've been running on pure energy since I got home from BlogHer and doing a million things and I still have a million to do and suddenly I have hit a wall called FUCK IT.

Some of it is end-of-summer doldrums; we've got some oddly cool weather here already that feels very fall-like and makes me think summer is already over. Some of it is the fighting Charlie and I have been doing lately; it just feels like we are misfiring and not connecting at all some days. We've been working on it, but still. It blows.

I know I'm feeling overwhelmed about the election too. I also feel very, very frightened that Obama won't win and we'll be stuck with McCain. I know I should be writing posts about it; I want very much to write a post about how McCain doesn't deserve his "maverick" reputation, nor his moderate one (dudes, he is not even REMOTELY moderate--he's one of the strongest anti-choicers in the Senate). But again, FEH. I just can't seem to drum up the righteous indignation necessary for a good post. Maybe you guys can just take my word for it? Heh.

What the fuck. I hate days like this. I'm trailing off even on this post and not wanting to type more. I need some inspiration.

It's not all bad. Yesterday we had some seriously funky weather and were lucky enough to see a massive, full arch, double rainbow that lasted for over a half hour. It was Tori's first rainbow. It was incredible, and I loved it even though the rainbow was over a mall (my favorite rainbow of all time was seen from the top of a mountain, and it filled the valley so that we were level with the top of the arch). We had a lovely dinner out last night (a treat), just our family, and that was awesome too. I fell asleep in a good mood.

Maybe it's the Olympics? Seriously, I just cannot bring myself to care. Maybe it's the Russia/Georgia war. Maybe it's the fact that it's all just not that funny anymore. Sigh.

Charlie's having a hard time too. His birthday is on the 31st, and this year he turns 46, the age his father was when he died. It's making him extra angsty. This whole gettin' old thing sucks ass, you know? Sigh.

ARG.

I hate days like this. I probably should have just NOT posted. Because this post BLOWS. Will post again when brain has been shaken up and improved. :)

EDITED TO ADD:

Just finally found my iReport that I recorded at BlogHer. I don't really make that much sense toward the end there (I meant that mental distress would be inflicted on a mother forced to deliver a child, and I meant under 24 weeks too, not 30 weeks. Oh well). But here it is. Go record your own, and post a link in the comments!

Friday Again

Today Tori wanted to go for a walk and we ended walking to the next town over and going to a different playground than usual. Not too long after we got there a woman came in with her twin boys, boys about five months younger than Tori.

For just a second, as I watched the three of them play, I saw a very different life. One in which all three of my children were alive. The boys weren't the right age; Nicholas and Zachary would be older than Tori, of course. But still.

It was an awesome moment.

___________________________________

In more cheerful news, Charlie and I have convinced my mom to come babysit and are going to see a movie. Probably either Dark Knight (yes, we're the only folks in the world who haven't seen it) or Pineapple Express. Awesomeness.

I must go shower because I just realized I stink (which is actually unusual for me; must have been that weird ass detox drink I got at Whole Foods yesterday that tasted like crap and turned out to have .5% alcohol, which I realized AFTER I drank it. Grrrrr). But I'll leave you with this, a short video entry of Tori wearing the most awesome Pirate Princess dress she got from her Internet Auntie Leanna. This is my kind of princess. Please note the middle of the video where Tori says, "Arg!" like a pirate. Hee hee. Thank you Leanna! It is truly awesome.

Oh, one more thing: I always said there was something too slick about him. And now we know.

26 Months

My darling Tori Anne,

You are 26 months old today. You have danced your way into the terrible twos in a big, big way and continue to show me on a daily basis what a smart, funny, creative bundle of energy you are.

My favorite thing you've started doing this month is this crazy way you have of asking questions and then when we try to clarify your question you make it sound like the subject of your question was our idea all along. For instance, you'll come up to me and say, " Go ows-side?" and I'll say, "You want to go outside?" and you say, "OK!" Like, what a great idea, mom! Let's go outside! And now I've been tricked because I don't want to take you outside, I want to give you dinner, and when I say that it's time for dinner you look at me like I just broke a promise. I gotta warn you, kiddo--you were born to the absolute QUEEN of manipulation and your little tricks just aren't going to work on me. Heh. Like your new thing of fake crying when you don't get your way. It's so obviously bullshit, it's impossible to even get mad at you.

You've mastered the mean angry face too. I haven't gotten a picture of it yet, but every time you make it I have to work very hard to not laugh out loud--that would hurt your feelings, I imagine. But DAMN you are cute when you make that face.

You continue need at least two activities a day to really enjoy your day, so we still hit either a playgroup or your babysitter before nap time, and a walk or the pool or other event after that (although this week you've been fighting a summer cold so we've just hung out at home). So this month we've gone to all the local gardens, and we've taken you to concerts, and we've done lots, and lot, and lots of swimming.

You spend a lot of time in the car, and we are blessed among parents because you tolerate it beautifully. You happily read books, play with your toys, and watch your DVDs (currently, your favorite is The Looney Tunes, and it makes my heart unusually happy listening to that music coming from the back seat. As opposed to your Kipper DVD which makes me INSANE). When we have a long drive, you just hang out and enjoy the ride.

You've become a bit more affectionate these days, often patting my arm and hugging us without prompting and asking for cuddles a lot more. Nothing could make us happier. We love cuddling you more than anything. For some reason, though, I'm not allowed to play with your hair and that makes me so sad. Someday. Today before your nap you were putting your hand in your mouth, covering it in drool, and then rubbing my arm with the drool and saying, "Better?" It's totally worth having an arm covered in drool slime to watch you practice comforting.

The other big development that's come this month is how much you love to play pretend now. You feed your baby doll, you make your stuffed animals dance and take naps. You tell us "Shhh!" because your doll is sleeping. You pick up your cell phone (my old one) and say, "I calling Grandma!" and proceed to have lengthy conversations with her (although when you really talk on the phone to someone you still don't quite get it and act totally shocked each time you hear a voice on the receiver). You've become much more play independent, which is very helpful to your work-at-home parents. About two weeks ago I found one of those no-drip (supposedly) bottles of bubbles that features your boyfriend Diego and not only does this entertain you endlessly, but it also occupies the dog too. This means that you and the dog are now best friends and you often say, "Bubba! Bubbles!" and you two proceed to have a blast.

You language skills are rather astounding. At your (late) two-year-check up this month, the pediatrician asked if you were using two-word sentences and you proceeded to give her a two-minute lecture about the book you'd been reading while we waited (she noted this, wryly, stating that she guessed language development wasn't an issue). You've grasped big concepts like "home" and "later" this month too, and that's been pretty cool to watch. I can't get over how smart you are, although I'm sure every parent says this, but you are totally BRILLIANT. So there.

We're all getting better at being a family, and you are back to being a pretty easy child most of the time--as long as we take into account your boundless energy. You continue to be brave, and we're trying to nurture that; while I want all the ants in our kitchen to die, and to die NOW, you love to watch them and play with them and we let you because I want you to be a girl that is NOT afraid of bugs.

Tori, you continue to amaze and delight us. Astonish and overwhelm. We love you so much, and are so happy that you are here in our lives, even though it still feels, just a bit, that each time we put you to bed for the night that we've just won the war. I love you Tori, and think the world is just so much better with you in it.

Love, Mommy

Fighting

Charlie just headed off to hang out and watch freight trains for the day, which is good, because I worry that he doesn't get to do enough stuff that is fun for him. In fact, I worry about him all the time.

One of the things I don't write about here much is our relationship. Or our fights. I might occasionally mention how much of a bitch I am, or something like that--but I usually keep the meat, shall we say, of our fights private.

Lately, we've been going through a tough time. As the result of some of the work I'm doing on myself, I've been setting a lot of boundaries in our relationship, and Charlie feels like he's become a punching bag. I don't blame him--he rarely sets down boundaries (once, twelve years ago, he asked me not to make fun of his fear of camping in front of other people--a fear that he shed as soon as we actually, you know, camped).

But without working on it, our relationship becomes lopsided. I can become to controlling, pushy, and dominant and easily slide into a role where I "mother" Charlie rather than actually act like his wife and partner. Charlie wants to make me happy (which is lovely), but of course that means that he lets me run roughshod over him sometimes. This is something I hate about myself.

But when I pull back, and begin trying to change our relationship dynamic, a void is left. A void that makes both of us uncomfortable. Charlie will often leap into the void with behavior I find controlling, and, viola--I'm setting boundaries all over the place, Charlie is feeling like I'm using a cattle prod, and we are in a space that is uncomfortable and awkward.

This is where we are now.

I don't want to write about this, but we had a big fight last night and I'm feeling hungover. None of this stuff is actually relationship-threatening, but I can't think about much else. Hence, this post.

Charlie and I have been together nearly 16 years. I was 24 years old when we got together, he was 30. We've gone from being crazy, drinking poets to being what we are today. Charlie loves trains, history, and old clocks and radios. I love blogging and all the new technology. Sometimes, it can feel like we don't have all that much in common. Sometimes, this is hard for me. I miss my wild poet boyfriend some days, and I expect Charlie must miss the thinner, younger me that never suffered bouts of introspection and depression.

This is why marriage is hard.

Luckily, I remember what really matters. The sweet way Charlie strokes my back as I fall asleep at night. The way he laughs when I say something funny (he's normally the funny one, so when I can make him laugh, I love it). The look in his eyes when he looks at me when I wear a bit of makeup and my big hoop earrings. But more than all of that--above everything--is the deep and abiding love we share, and the fact that I cannot imagine my life without him.

Then there's how he is with Tori.

It's just a rough patch. I'll say that again so that I hear it; it's just a rough patch. We'll get through it.

________________________

Two quick sidenotes: The ALI panel from BlogHer (the infertility panel) is now available as a video here. You'll only see my right arm--I'm behind a post. At one point, you can see the back of Sarah's head (she's the one drinking a rock star while Military Mama is talking). Once again, I'm struck by how fucking fast I talk. And how grandiose I can be.

Secondly, BlogHer has opened up voting for where next year's conference will be! Please go vote. If you can't decide which city to vote for, well then--vote for Philly! It would be awesome to have the conference here, and I think they really need to have it on the East Coast for once (it's been San Francisco, Chicago, San Francisco so far). Vote here!

It Seems Only Fair

I'm sorry I didn't post today. Various annoying things (migraine and the weirdest cold I've had in a while--it comes, it goes, it comes again) kept me away from the computer. Since I did a side-by-side  of me and Tori, I thought I'd also do one of Charlie as well. Wasn't he cute?

Side by side of him and Tori:

And of course, all three of us:

Now, I must go to sleep. Promise a good post tomorrow. About something. I hope.

Messing With The Blog (and 100 things)

So you might notice little changes going on around here as I attempt to make my blog more "sticky." Meaning people will come and stay longer and come back again because of various little things. Sigh. I'm finding it somewhat annoying.

One of those things is the 100 Things About Me meme. Everyone says you should have it. I've avoided it like the plague, but, since I have nothing to write about today and am tired of getting really stupid marketing pitches from people I will go ahead and do it now. IF you actually bother to read it all, you will be rewarded with photos of me as a two-and-a-half year old and you can all marvel over how much Tori and I looked alike. And you can also wonder, as do I, where my giant nose came from because I used to have a very cute tiny nose, just like Tori (don't get me wrong--I love my nose. It's just weird).

100 Things About Me, the narcissistic blogger

1. I don't really like memes. Especially really fucking long ones, like this one.
2. I won't review your product, no matter how cool it is, if you don't bother to put my name in the email.
3. I love opera.
4. My love of opera is genetic, inherited from my maternal Grandfather.
5. My maternal grandfather's name was King. No, really.
6. I also love country music. Real, honest, country music. In other words, not any country music that is popular today (which I call either "bimbo country" or "if you frost your hair, you aren't really a macho country singer").
7. I also love folk music.
8. I also love classic rock. Including the bad stuff.
9. Like Journey.
10. I spent most of my childhood wanting to be a veterinarian.
11. I scared my mother by putting my hand down the throat of a choking dog when I was 8. I saved the dog.
12. My favorite toy for several years was a paper baby doll. When I lost the doll I cried bitterly for days, and when my mom bought me a new one, it was never the same and I never played with it.
13. I spent a great deal of my childhood alone.
14. I taught myself how to read before I was five.
15. Sesame Street, the Electric Company, and a grandmother who taught 1st grade helped me learn to read.
16. By five, I was able to read chapter books.
17. At six, I found school to be incredibly boring.
18. By ten, I quit bothering in school and just coasted, lost in my own head.
19. I read several books a week then.
20. I still read two or three books a week.
21. Plus about 200 blogs.
22. I'm kind of a speed reader.
23. When Sarah and I were first roommates, Sarah thought I only pretended to read books that fast. Sarah didn't actually like me very much. But now we're BFF.
24. Oh my god, I'm only at 24? Cheetos are my favorite food.
25. As a child, I even ate a friend's parrot's cheetos. They weren't very good.
26. In fact, I like all things artificially orange.
27. I love orange soda.
28. I love orange Popsicles.
29. I love mac and cheese. But only the orange kind.
30. I love orange sherbet.
31. I really, really hate this meme. Can I stop now?
32. My first pet was a german shepard named Hugo.
33. We put him down when I was 12 when he attacked the son of my mom's friend (who happens to be the woman I'm named after). I stopped the attack.
34. My name, Cecily, means blind. Isn't that AWESOME?
35. I love my name. Now.
36. When I was in elementary school, I was nicknamed Cricket by the girls at Girl Scout Camp (cause I read Cricket Magazine). I loved it.
37. In middle school, I "went" with a boy named Jeff. My friend Lisa went with a boy named Don. We saw, somewhere CJ + LD = Love and decided to call each other "CJ" and "LD".
38. No, really.
39. The summer I moved to Michigan, I met a boy named Jimbo at my uncle's place who I made call me CJ. He (and his mom) still call me CJ to this day, the rare times I hear from him.
40. If you are wondering how I watch so much TV and read so much, here's the secret: I read WHILE watching TV. Good shows I just read during the commercials.
41. I also read in bed before I fall asleep. I read about 80-100 pages an hour. I read for a least an hour before I fall asleep.
42. Also? I don't read anything anyone would call "literature". Mostly sci-fi and fantasy novels, many of which are classified as "young adult." Hey, some of the best fantasy novels are YA.
43. Whoo hoo! 43! My mom has brown eyes. Which surprises people.
44. It was my father who had these crazy big blue eyes. My sisters have them too. And so did my paternal grandmother.
45. My paternal grandparents stayed in touch with me throughout my childhood even though my father did not. I visited them every year in Carlsbad, NM.
46. My paternal grandmother had a huge pecan tree in their backyard. I was most impressed by this.
47. I am listening to opera while I type this. Earlier, I was listening to country music. The piece they are playing now is being sung by a soprano who has a voice like bells. It's an iTunes station.
48. I had my first taste of beer when I was six, when a bunch of us kids stole some mini-beers (do they still make those?) from the grown ups. I loved it right away.
49. I got drunk for the first time at my friend Stephanie's in 8th grade. I loved it right away.
50. I felt ten feet tall the first night I got drunk.
51. I'm really only 5'2".
52. No one ever thinks of me as short until they see me in person. Even then, they quickly forget.
53. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 13. It caused a massive drop in blood sugar and made me vomit a lot.
54. I didn't smoke pot again with any regularity until I was in my twenties, and then only because I had a pothead boyfriend. It still made me sick.
55. The first time I did a lot of cocaine I became obsessed with the coca-cola bottling factory and complained that they wouldn't give me a car (I was also very, very drunk). It also made my nose really stuffed up and I threatened to cut my nose off with a big kitchen knife. Charlie found this rather alarming and I then chased him around the house with the knife until he called 911.
56. I wasn't wearing any pants that night because I'd previously peed in them. And in my boots. I was still wearing no pants when the cops came.
57. I didn't do cocaine again for several years.
58. OK, maybe it was about a year.
59. Oops--that was actually the second time I did too much coke. The first time I slept with a guy named Jesse that I didn't actually like very much who was also the best friend of the guy I was dating that I did like. That went well.
60. Other than those few spotty drug episodes, most of my "gettin' high" career is around alcohol.
61. I drank pretty much every day from 13 to 27.
62. My severe drug use ran from about January of 1995 until December of 1995.
63. At first, it was just snorting coke with friends. That lasted until April of 1995.
64. Then I found out my roommates were snorting heroin. I was very angry.
65. And I was jealous.
66. In May of 1995, I snorted heroin for the first time. By June, I decided it was a lifestyle.
67. In July of 1995, I stole needles from the animal hospital I worked for and shot up for the first time with Sarah.
68. It got really, really crazy after that.
69. In December of 1995, on the 21st, I overdosed on IV cocaine.
70. I got sober the next day, and have stayed sober ever since. Sarah went into rehab about two months before that and is still sober as well.
71. October 19, 1996, Charlie and I got married.
72. We weren't sure if and when we'd have kids back then.
73. We'd already been together over three years when we got married.
74. We've now been together for over 15 years.
75. This means Charlie and I have been together since I was 24 years old.
76. Somehow, that seems crazy to me. 24 years old is so young! But I'd already lived three lifetimes by then.
77. I am grateful every single day that I am married to Charlie. Even when he drives me crazy.
78. ARG! Only 78? I hate this meme even more now.
79. When I first got sober, I got fake nails and painted them every single night. So I wouldn't think about using.
80. I think vampires are super hot.
81. I love reading urban contemporary vampire fiction. Even when it's classified as romance.
82. I tend to skip over the sex scenes, or read them very lightly when I read romance.
83. I don't know why, but after a while, the sex scenes all seem the same.
84. I also think werewolves are pretty sexy. All of the above applies to them as well.
85. I enjoy pornography occasionally. There is a marked shortage of vampire porn.
86. I am very sad that we are going to lose our babysitter in a few weeks, even though Tori will be in morning care after that.
87. I seem to still have a minor cold right now while I'm writing this. I only mention it because I am running out of things to say.
88. Good lord, this is the longest meme in history. I don't like it.
89. I love movies.
90. No, seriously, I really love movies. I would go, every day, by myself, quite happily and see everything that is put out.
91. Yes, even the horrible movies.
92. My favorite romantic movie of all time is True Romance.
93. Tied with Say Anything. Charlie, btw, is totally Lloyd Dobbler.
94. My favorite action/sci fi movie is Aliens.
95. I can't wait for Tori to be old enough to watch Aliens with me. Even if it's a remake with better effects. Although I'd miss Sigourney Weaver.
96. I'm almost done with this meme.
97. Sometimes I pick my nose. OK, I pick it a lot.
98. I am secretly irritated that everyone says my daughter looks just like my husband.
99. I worry that people say that just cause I'm so fat I've stopped looking like myself.
100. I want to lose about 100 pounds and see no chance of that happening anytime soon.

Yeah! Done. God, that was painful.

As promised, here are the photos!

Just to compare:

I see Charlie in there, but still. Damn she looks like me. :)

Friday Migraine Linky Links

I'm tired, my head hurts, but I still! must! blog! (Wow, BlogHer has really drilled into me, no?). Thought maybe I'd just share some of my favorite links today. Because THAT IS FASCINATING. Right?

1. This photographer led the panel at BlogHer about body image. I developed a big girl-crush on her (I have a thing for older women who shave their heads) and I ended up buying this book from her which is seriously raising my self-esteem because the women in the book are beautiful, and they look like me. I also really liked the fact that although she's clearly a feminist, she reminded us at the panel that it was not only girls that suffer body image issues. Classy.

2. Chilling article about trolls. To totally copy Sweetney (who tweeted the link, thanks), the guy pictured looks exactly like what you'd expect trolls to look like, no? Read all the way through. If you have a blog, this article is SCARY.

3. My friend Tracy has a new blog of her paintings that are currently showing and for sale. My entire downstairs has become a bit of a Tracy museum because I am THAT IN LOVE with her work. Every time she posts another photo of a painting I swear I actually drool.

4. Because of my renewed focus on my work, I am paying closer attention to things, such as the label Mommy Blogger. Even though I write a column about Mommy Blogging for Type-A Mom, I dislike the term. I mean, parenting is only about a quarter of what I write about but if anyone were to classify my blog they would say "Mommy Blogger!" It irks me. Yet, at the same time, I do believe that parenting in itself is inherently political and imperative, and so I let the mantle of that name rest awkwardly on my shoulders. Anyway, Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer blogs about the name Mommy Blogging.

5. I can't think of a fifth one cause I haven't had time to read blogs this week. All of the above links are from Twitter, (except for Tracy's). Because Twitter is sucking my soul right out of my body, and along with it, all of my time. So I'm going to close with video of Tori trying to catch a fly while proclaiming her love for Chuck E. Cheese (man, it was SUCH a mistake taking her there) and also a bit of dancing at last night's concert. Heh.