When I wrote about the fact that Charlie and I had been fighting a lot lately, I seem to have stumbled into a Mommy Blogging no-go zone. It seems that very few of us who focus our blogs on our lives and our families discuss our marriages much.
I get that; I mean, until that post I barely mentioned any of the clashes Charlie and I experience, and if I did I always made it clear that I was at fault and that I'd been unreasonable. I never brought up Charlie's role (and yes, he does have a role sometimes). Even in that particular post I was very vague, which is odd for me. I'm a super "naked blogger" meaning there is very fucking little about me you folks that read here regularly don't know.
There are several constraints; first off, Charlie reads this blog. So it's not like I can discuss our fights here the way I'd discuss them with, say, Sarah--and that's only because Charlie says that in the event of a divorce, I get custody of Sarah (no, there is no divorce on the horizon). When I need to rant and rave, it's Sarah I talk to. She gets the down and dirty reality, and frankly, that usually diffuses me enough that I don't need to talk to anyone else. If the situation is really bad (and yes, sometimes it's really bad) I might also call my spiritual adviser that I can stop focusing on Charlie and look at my role in the situation. That always chills me out, and soon apologies can happen.
But I have to admit, when things are going rough between us--like they have been lately--I find myself feeling like a liar when I don't talk about it here. In fact, I get a kind of blogger's writer's block because the main thing on my mind is the thing I don't write about. That's a rough feeling. It's not like I feel as if I owe the truth to you guys; it's more like I owe the truth to myself.
I think that having a child--or more than one--changes marriage in big, big ways. And it's not just the energy and time drain that a child is (with great rewards, natch). It's the changes in sleep, the changes in schedule, the difficulty in maintaining a sex life (or, say, the complete absence of a sex drive in my case), the way flexibility and freedom just vanish--it takes a toll. A huge toll. Charlie and I simply do not have the same relationship that we did three years ago. Not only that, we don't even have the same freedom to fight that we did before Tori was born. Our fights (or heated discussions, if you like) are constantly being interrupted so that we don't yell in front of Tori. It can take hours--even days--to finish a discussion. Gone are the days of blowing our tops and then working it out until it's done.
Every single element of our dynamic has changed because of Tori. But our relationship has gone through a lot already: getting sober, me going back to school, Charlie getting laid off, infertility, pregnancy, loss. It seems like it should be easy for us to get over this too, right? Except in the case of having a child, there's no "getting over" it. It is a completely new state of being--more like getting sober was than anything else. Except, honestly? Having a child is harder, and changes your life more. So while we love Tori completely, utterly, and beyond reason, we're still figuring out how to be a couple that are parents.
I wish I knew why more of us don't write about these struggles. I can't imagine that we wouldn't all end up benefiting, the same way we benefit from every thing else we share with each other. I know how much it helped me, getting all your comments on my last post. It's made this rough patch much easier.
What do you guys think? Do you keep marriage issues to yourself on your blog, or do you share it?
