Uppercase Woman

As Apple Fucking Pie

I've been thinking lately about my panic last month--you know, the one where I felt that there would soon be no place left for me in this country and that I'd have to move to Canada, especially if Obama lost the election. I no longer feel this way; in fact, even if McCain/Palin win this election (and, oh, how it pains me to even type that), I am going NOWHERE. Because you know what? THIS IS MY COUNTRY.

When I read about Sarah Palin telling folks in North Carolina that only they are "pro-American" or when I watch the truly horrifying clip of Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman on Hardball calling for the investigation of the "anti-American" members of congress (meaning, of course, the Democrats) including OBAMA, I realized something.

These are the more blatant examples of the shit we liberals have been fed for years--since McCarthy, really. This idea that we liberals are somehow not patriotic, not right, not really part of this nation is a Cold War leftover, a fabrication. Before McCarthy, no one who dissented was called "Un-American." Before McCarthy, being a Socialist--hell, being a Communist--was considered a perfectly acceptable point of view. Not now. Now, I'm called un-American simply because I think I should retain control of my own body.

I've internalized this message to some extent--this war on dissent--and it manifested in my "threat" to move to Canada. But you know what? Moving to Canada would please those like Michelle Bachman no end--get rid of us annoying liberals! Export us! Send us to other nations like the way we send our trash to China!

I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I live in Philadelphia, an East Coast city with a metro area population exceeding five million--hardly small town America--and I am a true American.

I read the New York Times. I read Newsweek. I watch Katie Couric. Hell, I even listen to National Public Radio. Sometimes I even read press from overseas.

I believe firmly that gays should get married, or have civil unions (if they prefer), and have exactly the same rights that I do as a heterosexual. In fact, I think if you live in California, you should vote NO on Prop 8.

I think we should have socialized medicine--and I'd happily pay more taxes to get it.

I believe the Patriot Act is anything BUT patriotic, and feel strongly that the government has no right whatsoever to listen to my phone calls--or yours.

I believe abortion should remain safe, legal, and rare. I believe birth control should be distributed everywhere, to anyone who wants it. I believe children and teenagers should be educated about how their bodies work and how they can prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

I believe our President should be smart, well-educated, a thinker, someone who might be called ELITE. Because I believe firmly that only the best and brightest of us should be sitting in the White House. Not someone I want as a friend, or a drinking buddy, or a person I can imagine fishing with.

Sure, sometimes I get dismayed and depressed about where I see our country going. But it's MY country too, and there is nothing fucking wrong with me or how I think or what I believe and I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT THERE IS.

I am the daughter of a hippy feminist that taught me how to march in the streets, and I am the daughter of a Vietnam war veteran. I am the wife of an atheist, but I go to church regularly. I curse on my blog like a motherfucking sailor, but I am raising my daughter with kindness and dignity. I am an alcoholic that doesn't drink anymore, I am fat, I am a woman that had to terminate a pregnancy, I didn't quite manage to finish college, I am a mother, I am a wife, I AM AN AMERICAN.

Do you hear me? I am a pro-choice East Coast liberal elitist and I am PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. Stop saying I'm not.

Voter Intimidation

Dudes. I am TIRED. BlogHer DC done wore me out. OK, maybe it was the whole not sleeping the night before, or the long drive home after a full day, or the whole missing-Tori-so-much-I-ached, and not the eight hours of the conference itself. But whatever. TIRED, TIRED, TIRED.

But it's Tuesday! And I should post!

First, a short wrap-up of BlogHer DC. It was, as per usual (heh--cause I've been to TWO WHOLE EVENTS), beautifully organized, smartly set up, and educational. Plus the food ROCKED (seriously, best fish I've ever eaten was served at lunch). There were two tracks for sessions: beginning blogging, and using blogging to build community and change the world. Sadly, neither track really hit me where I lived; I feel like we already have a pretty awesome community here and I don't want to get MORE political (kind of feel like I've got that covered). But I still got a lot out of it, and I loved meeting other bloggers. Also, interestingly, there were far more women of color at this event than at the national one. Which rocked. Plus, LESLEY STAHL in the closing keynote. She was awesome (she blew me away when she said she would never have believed, back in 1972 when she got hired to do TV news, that in 2008 we'd STILL be discussing the glass ceiling and awaiting the first female President). I had a great time. Also, they will be announcing the city for 2009 by the end of the month. Go PHILLY!

Man, I just proofread that paragraph and realized I missed lots of words. Sigh. TIRED.

Anyway, moving on to what I mentioned in the title of the post. Voter intimidation. Yep, it's happening. Here in Philadelphia, an anonymous flier was distributed at colleges and poor neighborhoods saying that if you show up to vote, officials will be laying in wait for anyone with a foreclosure, parking tickets, or a warrant. I wonder who could be behind such an insidious flier? Let's see... they targeted college students and poor people who tend to vote... right. For the Democrats.

No, I'm not saying it was designed and handed out by the local Republican party. But with Obama's campaign having to file suit to prevent the Republican party in Michigan from using records of foreclosure to prevent people from voting, or the fact that the Supreme Court said that in fact states CAN require photo ID to vote, I do find myself beginning to wonder.

How about you? Has there been any efforts like these to intimidate voters in your state? I'd love to hear from Republicans that have also been harassed in this way. Do tell. I'll go nap, and read all about it when I get up. Heh.

Clarity, with Rambling

I've finally figured it out. I now know why this year I am so much more in touch with the loss of Nicholas and Zachary than I have been previous years. It's so obvious now, I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

It was an election year that year too.

All these feelings--the political outrage, the fragile hope of change--are wrapped up tight in the loss of my sons. I remember writing this post after I got home from the hospital, and despairing because it seemed so clear to me that there was no hope that Kerry would win, that we would be stuck with George Bush for another four years.

No wonder I'm feeling so raw this year. No wonder I'm jumping at shadows, and overreacting to the comments posted by anonymous people that don't give me an email address so I can actually talk to them.

No wonder. God, what a relief to know. I feel like reason, sanity, and perspective have all returned.

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Tori has suddenly developed separation anxiety. Whenever she goes to day care or the "playgroup" she goes to while I go to a couple of recovery meetings every week, she cries and cries and cries when we leave.

I'd worry that it was something about the morning care place that she hated except she's now doing it at all these other places too (my two meetings are at different locations with different babysitters, both of whom she loved as recently as last week). She stops crying a minute or so after I leave (I've stood outside the door listening), but it breaks my heart to see her so upset.

I asked the guru and she said it was normal and to just continue like normal, but GAH. It sucks.

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I don't often pimp things here on this blog (do I? I don't think so), but consider yourself pimped: you simply MUST buy my friend Nancy Falkow's new collaborative album Under the Stars (OK, the group is actually called Sunflow, but whatever, it's Nancy). It's a group of ten gorgeous songs for kids and parents--songs kids will love and parents will gladly play for them because the are AWESOME. In fact, parents may like them better than the kids do. It was originally intended to be an album of lullabies, but it really is something more than that.

My only complaint about the album is that there isn't enough Nancy, but that's because Nancy is one of my favorite singers (hell, one of my favorite people) so I'm biased.

Here's a little music video she did of one of the songs on the album. I hope you like it, and you buy the whole thing and support an awesome musician who should be more famous than she is.

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There's a new review up at my review blog for the WarmMe WarmMouse (cross posted at Type-A Mom).

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I have to thank everyone for the support you gave me with my last post; I'm sorry the comments got so out of hand. I deleted several comments from folks on both sides, and I've closed comments on that post now (I think it's done enough damage). I do feel that I have a better understanding of Susan than I did after her first comment. But I still don't like being called a murderer (can't imagine why).

I watched the debate last night and I was very, very sorry to see choice barely mentioned (and then only by Biden). I really think Palin's choice stance is extreme (she doesn't support abortion, even in cases of rape or incest) and I would have liked America to know that. Overall, though, she did well (albeit a tad robotic--boy was she ever coached!), even if she is also someone that would think I was a murderer.

Sigh.

Enjoy your weekend, folks. I plan to enjoy mine.

The M Word

Yesterday Susan left this comment on my blog:

"Call it what you want to make yourself sleep at night Cecily, but partial birth abortion is murder. It's not a political issue...it is a human rights issue. For someone who is "constantly sticking up for the little guy", you sure could care less about the life of a innocent child. Delete if you want...the truth still remains."

I did delete the comment, but then I thought about it a bit and kind of wished I hadn't. Then I got really fired up; I could see from her IP address that she'd never been to my blog before yesterday, and that she'd never read more than a couple entries. So it was clear to me that she doesn't know my story (she didn't even click over to my "about" page), so she doesn't realize that she just called me a murderer. Then I got REALLY mad.

But in talking to my friend Dave, I calmed down. Dave, in his infinite wisdom, pointed out that Susan did NOT in fact call me a murderer; she said partial birth abortion is murder and there is, in fact, a difference. So I will cut her some slack. But as I prepare to watch Sarah Palin and her "I'll council rape victims to choose life" debate tonight, I find that I do have something I need to say.

So, Susan, let me say this to you. Since you clearly don't know my story, you may not realize that my life was saved by a surgical procedure that falls under the umbrella of the partial birth abortion ban. It happened four years ago this month, before the ban was upheld by the Supreme Court. You probably don't know about my sons Nicholas and Zachary, and how badly I wanted them, and how much I miss them today. You certainly don't know about my harrowing hospital experience, my severe preeclampsia, my near brush with death, or how my doctor cried while he performed the procedure that saved my life and killed my surviving son.

You certainly don't know about how, alone in my room that night feeling like nothing more than an empty womb, I cried and cried in a far corner of the maternity ward, away from the happy new moms. I was so lonely and sad; even the nurses stayed away from me. You don't know about the months of horribly post-partum depression, the agony I felt when my milk came in with no babies to nurse, the desire to start using drugs again to kill the pain despite my years of sobriety, or the fear that plagued me through the pregnancy with my daughter.

You don't know how every single time my daughter giggles, I thank God for saving my life so she could be born. You don't know how much, every day, I miss my sons and wish my daughter could know them.

So I'll forgive you for showing up here, on my blog, and issuing bold statements about a subject you know nothing about. But do know this: I sleep at night just fucking fine.

The News of the Day

So, does it feel to anyone else that all the people in charge are kind of like Chicken Little? You know, if Chicken Little not only ran around claiming the sky was falling but also decided to put up a shelter to protect him/herself but then split into two big groups representing different political parties and then stopped building because one group didn't like what the other group said?

Yeah, just like Chicken Little.

Look, I worry about this bailout--or, more appropriately, this rescue plan. It seems entirely likely to me that the ones being protected are cronies of folks in office, and that all those add-on "me too" items are likely to fuck us in the ass later. I do strongly suspect that it is a flawed plan that was hastily put together. So in some ways, I'm a little glad they put on the brakes by not passing it the first time.

Additionally, I have no doubt that what happened was political grandstanding on all sides. I don't know why Nancy Pelosi gave a big speech about the Bush economic policy (yes, I too blame Bush Co. for getting us here, along with every other president that has pushed for more deregulation). I don't know why the Republicans had to claim it was their hurt feelings that made them vote against it; it seems to me that they would have come off better saying the truth--their constituents didn't want it. Everyone, it seems to me, acted like an ass.

In retrospect, it seems clear that there was no way they could pass that bill. Now that they've all put on their big political show to help their poll numbers (cause they are up for reelection too), I think a plan will go through.

Something else I don't understand is the need to blame individual homeowners for the crisis. I know I constantly stick up for the little guy, more than is probably reasonable, but still--really? I don't doubt that there were those that took advantage. But I know so many people that were manipulated by and lied to by those selling them a mortgage--brokers that got BONUSES, remember, for bigger and better mortgages, and brokers that were being pushed HARD by their bosses to get those mortgages in hand, come hell or high water--that I find it hard to put the blame squarely on them. People are trusting. Perhaps foolishly. But yesterday Charlie and I were talking to our neighbors about how they had to fight their broker over and over to NOT accept a higher mortgage. That broker just couldn't get why they didn't want a bigger house with a bigger mortgage. It came up over and over. So I'm not surprised that some folks decided to get something a little bigger than they needed (here is a great story that explains the whole housing credit crisis; it really helped make things clearer for me. If you can't listen, go ahead and download the transcript. It's long, but seriously, it's the best source I've seen. I'd have linked to it before, but I didn't know there was a transcript).

Overall, however, the blame can be spread around pretty well--consumers, brokers, bank, government--no one gets off easy.

Funny thing; I've never really been grateful for our bad credit ranking (not horrible, just the kind of rating you'd expect from a couple reformed irresponsible drunks). We were required to put down 50% on our house. We have a relatively tiny mortgage, with a pretty decent interest rate. A standard mortgage, I might add. The folks that bought our last house? Not so lucky. They bought an overvalued house with almost nothing down PLUS a seller's assist. They'll have to wait for YEARS to sell. This whole situation SUCKS.

I do think the rescue plan by the government will go through. What I don't know if it will help in the long term. Now Citicorp and Bank of America are buying up all the failing banks and that just means that we'll have even bigger banks that cannot be allowed to fail; somehow, that doesn't seem to me to be a good idea. But I'm not an economist. I don't understand a lot of stuff--like why all of our business economy operates on credit. Really? None of them work with cash in the bank? Seems kind of nuts to me, but again, I'm not an economist.

Anyway, I hope that you and your money are safe. And I hope that the "trusted" officials in office keep our best interests at heart instead of their own political futures. But honestly? I don't think that's likely.

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I deleted a couple of comments yesterday. I've worked really hard at being tolerant of all political opinions, I really have. But the comments posted yesterday that said Obama was a baby murderer were not acceptable. I will not allow that. Not anymore. I've had it. Lately it's clear that some very conservative people have my blog in their sites; I keep getting comments like this one that was posted at this old entry:

So sad, maybe if your mothers had abortions, this world would be a better place.  To think  am a disabled war veteran fighting for the rights of thankless cunts like you.

Or this one, posted a couple weeks back on this old entry (this one made me laugh out loud):

Wow. Someone as obstinate as you would probably disregard this comment or more likely chuckle at a chance to sink your fangs into something else, but you are a complete piece of human filth. Your weight indicates that you lack discipline. Your comment on being "extremely educated' is screaming your insecurity.

I'm getting one or two like this a week, usually very directly insulting. Most of them I can laugh off and just delete (or save for pointing and laughing enjoyment).

But when comments from folks I've worked hard to trust and tried to even protect from their opponents on this blog come along and are deliberately rude and inflammatory, it can't stand. Consider it a new rule. I will continue to tolerate opposing viewpoints when they are thoughtful and concise. So remember that, please. Dissension is fine; rudeness is NOT.

Sounds Like Someone Has A Case Of The Mondays

Charlie is down for the count with the cold Tori was kind enough to bring home from day care. Plus, he hurt his back three days ago and it won't get better. I have my period (yeeha!), a migraine, and a big ass pile of work to do in the next few days, and an injury to my right index finger (I tried to grate off the tip of my finger) that makes typing difficult. Sucks to be us.

All I can say is, THANK GOD for day care. If Tori was home this morning, I'd tear my hair out.

So, anyway, I have to keep this brief because I really have to get to work. I wish I had something brilliant to say, but I don't, and I really need to work (no, seriously, I really need to work. See, if I keep saying it, I'll actually do it). So. Here's a link to a great article by Anna Quindlen about the importance of this election. Read it. She says it straight.

And I thought I'd post this, not like it will surprise anyone:

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Thanks to my childhood friend at The Blue Ey'd Hag for the link. And take the quiz--it's totally biased and actually rather hilarious. I wanted to check "all of the above" on every question. Promise a better post tomorrow. If you like, feel free to give me questions to answer! :)

Bailout

So, I have read until my eyes are bleeding about the current financial crisis, and here are my thoughts:

1. Sadly, we have to do the bailout, even though it feels wrong to me to save failing corporations that were brought to their knees by greed and bad decisions.

2. Said corporations should have NEVER been allowed to grow so large that they could cause the economy to collapse by their failure. Deregulation starting during Reagan's time and continuing right through Clinton has allowed these companies to grow so large that our economy is now a reverse pyramid--no wonder we have to bail them out.

3. Deregulation is also at the heart of the mortgage crisis. The loosening of laws around banking and credit allowed the subprime mortgage industry to soar to the point of insanity. This year-old editorial actually explains it pretty well, and ends up sounding like prophecy today.

4. No matter what happens, I don't think we're at risk of a great depression, and CNN agrees with me. 

5. I have to wonder if this could have been avoided. When this crisis became a looming threat a year ago, could mortgage companies and banks have stopped this in its tracks? If they had just taken the time to sit down and review the mortgages and rewrite them the way the government is planning to do now, instead of focusing on the people that WERE still paying the high interest rates, well, people might still be in their homes and we wouldn't all be holding our breath today wondering if an agreement will be reached*.

*Even if I don't believe that the Republicans have MY best interests at heart, I am glad they are slowing the bailout process down so nothing is done too hastily.

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Even if I wasn't already convinced that Obama is the best candidate running for President, I would be now. Apparently, during the bailout talks that McCain "rushed" back to Washington for (and by rushed, I mean took 22 hours--see Jon Stewart's hilarious take on that--thereby foolishly pissing off David Letterman) he has remained SILENT.

Yes, apparently while Obama relentlessly peppered Secretary Paulson with questions, McCain has remained nearly silent during the discussions.

Maybe McCain feels well-schooled enough in the situation to not ask questions. Maybe Obama is showing his ignorance by seeking information. I don't know. But I'd rather have a president that asks questions rather than assumes he knows the answer.

But maybe that's just me.

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I know I made an awkward comparison the other day between socialized medicine and the soon-to-be socialized banking industry, but it turns out there is a bigger connection than I thought.

McCain has a recent article (the article can be viewed here in pdf form) suggesting that the best plan for the insurance industry is to deregulate it JUST LIKE WE DID THE BANKING INDUSTRY.

No, really.

This article clearly explains how that would utterly and completely fuck us. Here, right here, is a critical way in which a McCain presidency would hurt all of us: individuals struggling to pay monthly premiums (hi!), small businesses desperately attempting to continue to offer health care to their employees, large companies that are forced to offer benefits who will now have to reduce new hires to afford it... You name it, this would HURT US.

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I'm interested in your overall impression of the current crisis. I did a ton of research so that I didn't feel like an idiot, but I'm sure I still have some incorrect information. What do you think? What do you know that I don't? Let's discuss it, shall we? Remember the rules: play nice, and try not to get all angry at each other. Um, or at me. Heh.

Ten Political Things Currently Driving Me Batshit Crazy

1. The fact that today--still--about one in ten Americans believes Obama is really a Muslim. A Christian-church-going Muslim. Because Muslims ALWAYS go to Christian churches, for years on end. Right. *head explodes*

2. The fact that Sarah Palin is STILL saying that she said "thanks, but no thanks" to the bridge to nowhere--leaving out the detail that she actually SUPPORTED the bridge and only dropped it when it was clear that it wasn't popular--AND STILL TOOK THE DAMNED MONEY.

3. The fact that there does not seem to be some sort of oversight committee that reviews political ads to make sure they aren't flat-out lies--such as the recent ad saying that Obama drafted legislation promoting sex-ed to kindergartners (it was actually a program to teach children how to protect themselves from sexual predators). It appears to me that something must be done to stop false ads--much like the ones that swift boated McCain in 2000.

4. The fact that there is a growing number of people who actually believe--no, really--that Obama is the ANTICHRIST. I don't want to link to any of those idiots, but here's a Google search that gives you an idea. My question is, why isn't Bush the one they think is the anti-christ? Because it feels to me that he's brought us Armageddon. (No, I don't really think Bush is the anti-christ. Well, not today.)

5. That the McCain campaign--so confident that Sarah Palin would be a great President, should the need arise--doesn't allow her to talk to the press AT ALL. I agree with Campbell Brown on this one; hiding Palin from the press shows that McCain is both not sure about his choice, and that he needs to "shield the little lady." It's bullshit. If she's qualified, let her speak. If she's not, choose someone who is.

6. That Bill Clinton acted like such an ass during the primaries, because did you see him on David Letterman and the Daily Show? He is just so fucking smart. I can't wait to have a smart president again.

7. The fact that the government is willing to buy out and shore up failing companies, including taking ownership of said companies (not sure whether or not I think that's a bad thing--still researching) which to me sounds like, well, socialism. Yet when anyone suggests that we socialize medicine, everyone screeches and tears their hair out. Dudes, aren't you worried that the government is going to be deciding who gets mortgages now, in the same way you were worried that they would tell you which doctor to see? I do not. get. it.

8. The fact that racism is more and more coming in to play in this election. Have you seen the waffles? Yeah. It's obvious to me that the whole "Obama is a Muslim" argument is steeped in race; because while it's no longer OK to say that a black man shouldn't be president, it IS OK to say a MUSLIM can't be president (which is also wrong).If Obama were white, I have no doubt that he would be far ahead in the polls.

9. The fact that thanks to the current economic issues, Friday's debate is likely to NOT focus on international issues, and I really want to hear some folks talking about the war and the rest of the damned world.

10. The fact that there are still 40 days to go before this election is over. I am tired of constantly feeling outraged. Let's all invent a time machine and just vote now, shall we?

Gently Into Fall

In an hour or so, at 11:44 EST to be exact, it will officially be fall. Here in Philadelphia, it's felt very fall-like for a couple of weeks now (we actually had an incredibly mild summer too), but it's only been in the last few says that we've gotten that gorgeous fall light: thick, amber colored, and with long shadows.

Back when I was considering becoming a Wiccan (before I realized that I had just enough Christianity in me to make it never feel quite right--not that I think it's wrong, just not right for me), I really loved the various states of the Goddess: spring, of course, was the Maiden, young and beautiful; winter was the Crone--wise and elderly.

But summer and fall were the season of the Mother, a woman in her prime with full breasts and hips, a few lines around her eyes, and the awesome ability to not really care if there are stains on her shirt or if her hair has seen better days. She's smart, beautiful, and able to multi-task with grace.OK--maybe that's just MY interpretation. Heh.

Obviously, I identify with this image of the Goddess; I have the confidence that comes with a few years of experience, yet I'm still ripe and in my prime. There is a wholeness in my heart that I didn't have when I was younger, and for some reason, the first day of fall reminds me of that. Crisp, clean, and golden light extending tall shadows.

And, of course, weather warm enough to be outside when there are a whole lot fewer bugs.

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So, why am I waxing poetic about fall? Truth be told, I woke up with a bit of Bloggers Block (blogock? blogoblock? blog cock? what?), so I turned to a tool that I learned about at PodCampPhilly, a social media "unconference" I went to a couple weekends ago. And if that all sounded like gibberish to you, I don't blame you. Here's the breakdown: a "unconference" is a conference that is scheduled (as far as time and place), but doesn't search for speakers/session leaders--individuals sign up to speak or run a session on their own. Social Media is everything on the Internet that has a community--Twitter, Facebook, bulletin boards, and, of course, blogs. OK?

Anyway, this guy (who gave such a great presentation!) mentioned Google Trends, in which Google tells you what people are talking about on the internets. While it can mostly be the names of various sports stars, sometimes it mentions something that might make an interesting topic here--like, for instance, the first day of fall. It's like a Blog Block Buster. Heh.

So, blame Google for my above rambling. Although I do love the fall, so I might have written that anyway (but I wouldn't have remembered that today is the equinox without prompting).

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Guess what? I have a new client. It's going to take a while for me to get the load of work from them I need/want (I have to prove myself first), but I feel confident that it will happen by the end of the year. I don't want to be too specific, but it's basically fun writing--interviews, synopsis, ad copy--about books and authors. I can't wait to get started!

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Other cool things on Google Trends today that could have warranted their own blog posts:

• This story is beautiful. Doesn't the idea of the guns falling silent for a day make your heart sing with hope? I wish I'd known at church yesterday, I would have mentioned it.
• The Emmys and politics.
• This fascinating story about how 'enlightened' men tend to earn less--just like women. In other words, men that are crazy enough to believe that women should get equal pay and have equal rights tend to earn less than men that believe in more 'traditional' roles for women. So income breaks down like this, most to least: misogynists, non-misogynist men, women that believe in equal rights, and, coming up last, women that believe in more 'traditional' gender roles. No wonder so many folks hold on to misogynist values--it fucking pays more.

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I almost forgot! If you are Philly-area mommy blogger and you haven't already heard from me about the sneak preview of the new Please Touch Museum, please email me. Cause I have the hook-up. :)

Baby Mama

I was going to go on a long rant about how Fox News referred to Barack Obama's wife as his "baby mama" but I won't.

Why? Because this guy says it way fucking better.

Thank to the Blue-Eyed Hag (who happens to be a childhood friend and the daughter of one of my mother's best friends) for the link.

Empathy

In 1989, when that big earthquake hit San Francisco, I was sitting at a bar that had the baseball game on. I remember watching as the players and fans reacted. Over the next several days, I saw the footage of the damage, and those poor people trapped on the bridge, and while I must have felt something--I have no memory of it. I just remember turning away from the television and ordering another drink.

In 2005, when the tsunami hit, Charlie and I were ready to go on a cruise. The television in our state room showed CNN International, which ran endless coverage of the devastation. I remember watching it with horror and grief, and feeling terrible for those people. But at the time I was so numb with grief after losing the twins in October, and so very self-centered with my pain, I felt only a distant sort of sadness about the event.

How this has all changed since having a child.

I remember people telling me that having a child was like wearing your heart outside your body. I assumed that meant that I would spend a huge amount of time worrying about Tori, being terrified that something would happen to her in this harsh world.

What I didn't know is how much the news would effect me.

When Tori was only a couple of months old, our local station ran a piece about a fire. This is not unusual--in Philadelphia, the world could be at war, but if there is a local fire BY GOD the local news will ignore all that to cover the fire in excruciating detail. In this particular fire, an 18-month-old baby was injured, and the news played a clip of the firefighters and paramedics desperately attempting to revive the baby; you could see tiny legs and arms bouncing in time with the CPR. I was trying to eat lunch at the time, Tori was asleep beside me, and I LOST IT. I dropped my food all over the floor and had my very first panic attack. My empathy meter was tuned to be so sensitive after Tori's birth that I lost all perspective--it felt to me like the fire happened to Tori. Charlie had to tell me over and over again that Tori was fine, look, she's right here, it's fine, nothing is wrong with her.

When I blogged about this, folks told me that it would get easier, that my reaction was a normal just-post-pregnancy kind of thing. And they were right. But sometimes, when the right detail comes, my empathy meter is still extremely high. Like when I was reading Newsweek and saw a photo from Myanmar and the cyclone, and saw something dead floating in the water. I stared at it--is that a frog?--until I realized it was a baby.

Or when I watch the footage of the parents in China standing in front of the only building to completely collapse in their town--the local school. With 200 children inside, all of whom died. 7000 schools collapsed in China during the earthquake. Oh my god.

Or today, when I'm driving the car to the dealership to get it serviced and NPR is interviewing a worker from Save the Children in Myanmar. He was discussing all the infants that survived without their parents. And how they can't use the local water to mix formula for them because it's too contaminated. So they are hunting for breastfeeding mothers that will be willing to take care of these children. I had to pull over, I was crying so hard. My breasts still produce a bit of milk even though Tori hasn't nursed since February; I want to hop a plane RIGHT NOW.

I knew being a parent would change me. I knew that it would be terrible watching things happen to Tori, like Saturday morning when she stepped off a piece of playground equipment and fell about three feet to the ground (and was completely unhurt). But I didn't realize that having a baby meant I became, suddenly, a member of the entire society of parents. That to some extent, all children would become my children. And that I would bleed, a little, whenever anything happened to any child anywhere.

It is challenging, but I have to say, there is a huge part of me that is grateful. For not only Tori--that goes without saying (I mean look at that new little photo of her there saying "I see you!" at the playground). But I am grateful for this connection, this little ridge of tissue that runs between me and every other parent in the world. I never want to go back to the fog of the bar where I find the earthquake that was just broadcast live only mildly interesting. I prefer feeling connected, even when it hurts.

Birthdays, and about those polygamists...

Tori's second birthday is just three short weeks from Saturday. Last year at this time invitations had been sent, plans made, and much money was being spent on balloons and other birthday crap. This year, ironically when Tori will be much more aware of the day's events, I've done NOTHING. Charlie really wants to get a pony (as I mentioned earlier) but I really think that is just not in our budget these days, and besides, I think that will go over much better at her third birthday.

We'll probably do much the same thing we did last year otherwise. Reserving a pavilion at a nearby park that's next to a playground, and inviting everyone we know for a big barbecue. But this time, we won't spend anywhere near as much on food and cake (we threw out half the cake last year because I didn't want to take it home and eat it). I hope to make it much more low-key and relaxed, and God willing, it won't be anywhere near as hot as it was last year on June 7.

But while I'm making these plans (in my limited way), I find myself thinking about the polygamists in Texas, and those 400 or so children that have been taken from their families and may be missing out on their birthday celebrations.

Recently, all the women that didn't have children under five were released from custody, and most of them returned to the ranch (although some did not). What other option did the state offer these women? Women's shelters. Where they would have no resources to visit their children, or be able to fight to get them back.

I hate this story. I hate everything about it. I hate the abuse that occurred, I hate that the children were taken away, I hate that the women can't see their children, and I hate that those kids are all in foster care. I hate it. There was no good way to deal with this situation, but it seems to me that this way was BAD.

But what I hate most of all is that the women--and the children--are the ones being punished.

The atrocities committed at the compound were done by MEN. NOT WOMEN. If you ask me (of course, no one did ask me), they should have gone in and arrested all of the men and left the women and children the fuck alone, and maybe sent in counselors and other experts to try to find out who was abused and who wants to escape from the compound. If they couldn't arrest the men, they should have at least barred them access to the compound.

I see those women, with their modest dresses and identical hairstyles and I feel it. I feel their agony about being helpless at the hands of the community they live in. But instead of empowering the women, the state waltzed in and further took away the power that these women had--the power of motherhood.

I know that I would move heaven and earth and fight as hard as I know how to get Tori back if someone took her from me. But you know what? I would fight because my mother fought for me. I would fight because I believe women deserve a voice and deserve to be heard and have rights equal to that of any man.

But these women? They don't believe that. They don't have a feminist background, or even a normal non-feminist background. They turn to their men to do the fighting, and this will perpetuate this situation endlessly.

I believe the state of Texas did have the women's best interests at heart when they raided the compound. But I do not believe that this is the right way to handle this. My heart breaks for those women and children.

So while I calmly plan my daughter's second birthday party, I will think about those women and keep them in my prayers. I may not know what the right thing to do about the situation, but there is no doubt about one thing: the whole thing just fucking blows.

In Which I Say, YOU ARE NOT HELPING

So about a gazillion of you folks emailed me this story in which a Yale student apparently artificially (or otherwise) inseminated herself for nine months and then induced abortions all in the name of art. Many claimed to be haunted by the story, as you should be, although I have to say after working for five years in an all woman art college the whole story just made me feel tired.

Hopefully by now you have all heard the follow up to the story; yes, Virginia, it was all a big fucking hoax. It was all a performance art piece to track the reactions people have to what women do with their bodies. And isn't it interesting? How people feel like she didn't have the right to do that with her body?

My initial reaction was just, oh lord have mercy, this is so NOT going to help the cause. But I find the reaction to it being a hoax very interesting; at the end of that Time piece a man saying, "Women who have suffered miscarriages and abortions don't find this amusing."

Really? Are you sure? I think perhaps he with the penis should SHUT IT. Because frankly? I think it being a hoax is actually kind of hilarious.

But overall, the whole mess is best ignored.

You want an art project to get up in arms about? Try this one. Warning: VERY DISTURBING IF YOU LOVE DOGS. Here is a petition to stop that artist from profiting from his sick work of "art."

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On a much lighter note... am I a bad person if I decide to just cut the arms and legs off my daughter's winter pajamas rather than buy her summer ones to save a little money?

More Things To Worry About (but trying to practice gratitude anyway)

So a woman shared this awesome meditation tool with me recently. She takes each letter of the alphabet and lists 26 things for which she is grateful, each day, one for each letter. I've been trying to do it each night as a tool to help me fall asleep (since I'm such a lousy sleeper).

It's hard. The first letter, A, is tough. What starts with A? I find that I usually end up being grateful for the abundance in my life. After spending so much time around someone that was homeless, it's pretty easy to see that I have great abundance. But besides things, I have an abundance of love and happiness in my life that I have such gratitude for--even now, as I find myself growing crankier and crankier these days thanks, I think, to the birth control pills I'm taking to relieve my migraines (which don't seem to be helping; in fact, they may be making it worse).

I have to work to recognize my abundance. I'm not sure why; maybe it's from growing up poor or maybe it's just how I'm wired, but there are really only two times I feel flush with abundance. First, when I come back from a big grocery store trip and the house if full of food (that, I'm sure, is from my childhood; seeing a full gallon of milk in a crowded fridge makes me feel safe like nothing else). Second is coming back from the library with a huge stack of books, knowing that at least for a few minutes a day for a few weeks I'll be able to bury myself in other magical worlds (I panic when I have nothing to read).

But when I started this blog a few years back I had no idea how much it would also make me feel full of abundance. I went to a baby shower on Sunday and I found myself thinking back to my own baby shower and how weird it must have been for some people to sit there and watch me open present after present from strangers on the Internet, and how incredibly moving it was that these so-called strangers took so much time to make me things and buy me things. It was so amazing.

And now it's equally amazing to see that Tip Jar filling up! Oh my god. I already have enough to pay for the (rather hefty $300) registration fee for the BlogHer conference, and am about 2/3 of the way to paying for my flight. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST. Thank you so much!
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Now on to more typical blog fodder.

You've all heard about the vanishing bees, right? Honeybees are vanishing without a trace from 24 different states across the country. This isn't just about a national honey shortage, folks: we're talking about $14 Billion worth of crops not getting pollinated. YIKES.

But have you also heard about the missing salmon? The Chinook Salmon that run from California to Oregon to Canada have, well, vanished. Their numbers have been declining for years and now they've just up and vanished completely.

Charlie is obsessed with the giant island--TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS--made entirely of 3.5 million tons of plastic. PLASTIC. Here's a cheery little movie about it.  How lovely is that? This has made us MUCH more diligent with our recycling, I tell you what.

Or how about the giant chunk of ice that just broke off Antarctica? The 160 square mile one? But you know, according to certain people in the White House, THERE'S NO GLOBAL WARMING.

THIS SHIT is why I have to mutter a 26-item long gratitude list to myself to get to sleep at night. This is terrifying. Toss in to that the rising costs of oil and the way that's impacting the costs of food, and it's a wonder that anyone can sleep at night.

My state primary is happening a week from today. I'm still wavering between Obama and Clinton (Clinton is NOT winning me over lately; even with Obama's recent statement of fact gaff, he's looking more and more like a stand-up guy and she's beginning to look like a carnival act). But damn it, whoever we vote into office has GOT to begin to address this. I mean, God's sending us all kinds of burning bushes here. What's it gonna take for us to notice?

Speaking to the Candidates About Choice On the Four Year Anniversary Of This Blog

Apparently, some folks who read this blog know some folks who know some folks and swear they can get this blog entry read by at least Obama, but I figured, why limit myself to just writing to Obama? I'm speaking to everyone who is running for President, including Ms. Clinton, and Mr. McCain (ok, maybe not Mr. Nader).

Why have I been appointed as someone to discuss the issue of choice? Because I'm the Internet Poster Girl For Partial Birth Abortion, that's why. It's not a title I'm proud of, but it's one I was saddled with a few years ago.

I'm not going to get into the whole story here. If you really want to read all about the harrowing details they start here. But you are all too busy running for president, so I'll give you the short version. In April of 2004 I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twin boys after undergoing in vitro treatment for male factor infertility (thanks to drugs my husband's mother took--DES, we suspect--while she was pregnant with him). We were on top of the world, although the pregnancy was difficult.

But a routine ultrasound on October 26--meant to be a time of great joy (my best friend came with us to the appointment--revealed terrible news: one of the twins had died, probably about a week before. We went from the ultrasound appointment to my obstetrician's office and were met with even more grim news. My weight had spiked up about 18 pounds, my blood pressure was soaring, and I had protein in my urine.

It turned out that I was in full-blown preeclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital immediately.

After that, everything happened very quickly. I was put on medication (magnesium sulfate) in an attempt to treat the preeclampsia and save the remaining twin until he reached outside-the-womb viability--a mere two weeks away (I was just over 22 weeks pregnant). But I got much worse overnight; my blood pressure couldn't be controlled, I had a massive headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. My kidneys shut down. I was moments away from seizures, coma, and death when the doctors came and told us the bad news: my remaining twin could not be saved. My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die.

You might, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, be able to imagine what it felt like to be my husband--to imagine being terrified of losing your children and your wife in one fell swoop. Ms. Clinton, you might be able to imagine lying in the hospital, so sick you barely feel any of what is happening, only knowing that the long-fought-for children you so desperately wanted are now both going to be dead.

Here's the part of the story where choice comes in. I could, of course, have gone through induced labor and delivered my tiny twins. But my blood pressure was hovering around 165/120 (often going higher), even with treatment. Can you imagine what labor would have done to my body with blood pressure that high? My doctor recommended, and I agreed, that I undergo the much less stressful intact dilation and extraction procedure--what the "pro-life" forces often like to call a "partial birth abortion." Of course, you being the smart and well-education politicians that you are know that there is NO medical procedure that is actually called a "partial birth abortion" so you know that there are several medical procedures that the "pro-life" movement put in that category, including the one that I had. Wait, I take that back--Mr. McCain, as you have been a staunch supporter of the Partial Birth Abortion ban you clearly were asleep in class when they discussed the actual procedures.

But I digress. My doctor refers to my procedure as the worst moment in his professional career. As I lay on the gurney, waiting for my procedure to start, I felt a gulf of grief and emptiness the like of which I have never known. I felt abandoned by God. I lay there, crying, alone, surrounded by doctors and nurses. You can't imagine the sadness.

I was lucky. Are you surprised that I would say that? I was lucky because the partial-birth abortion ban was not yet in effect in October of 2004. If it had been, I would have been forced to undergo labor and delivery, no matter the risks to my health, and I might right now be either dead or so brain damaged I would be unable to type this. I was additionally lucky because even though I live in Philadelphia, one of the largest cities in the country--a city, Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton, you two will be visiting a great deal in the next month--my doctor happened to be only one of two doctors in this entire city that was willing and able to perform this life-saving medical procedure (although he can't now, of course, thanks to the ban being enacted--besides, he left Pennsylvania for New Jersey thanks to our crazy medical malpractice insurance crisis but that's another story).

So that's my story. For a year after that, I licked my wounds and missed my sons, Nicholas and Zachary. Eventually, I underwent a frozen embryo transfer and gave birth to my daughter Victoria, whose grinning face you see above this entry. I had problems with her delivery as well, so I will not be having other children, sadly.

I'm sure that you will find my story compelling; even the most hard-hearted and most staunch pro-lifers have. Many who came to my blog to question my decision have stayed and become friends. You know why? Because mine was an "acceptable" abortion. I'm not a 26 year old professional woman who doesn't want to derail her career by having a child and chooses to terminate a pregnancy. Or a teenage girl who got drunk and forgot to make the boy wear a condom. Or a harried mother of three who just can't imagine having a fourth child.

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

So knock it off, will you? Fight to protect a woman's right to choose. I know, Ms. Clinton, that you believe in it enough to put it on the front page of your website, but your record isn't perfect. Mr. Obama, you do not discuss choice on your campaign page (although it's hosted on the Women for Obama page). Why not? Mr. McCain, for shame. Shame on you for promoting a law that is basically a warrant for my death. Come on.

I'm tired of writing about this. I am tired of being the Internet Poster Girl for Partial Birth Abortion, I assure you. It's not comfortable. By writing this post, I will get a new batch of pro-life people that will start telling me how I murdered my sons, how they could have lived (they never, ever, remember that one had already passed away) and some will threaten me. It happens every time I talk about this. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let someone else do this. But I won't. I don't know what it will take; perhaps a constitutional amendment protecting women's bodies?

Yeah. That might do it. Sigh. Like that will ever happen.

Haircuts, Race, And Why I Cringe About The Whole Damn Thing

On Tuesday we took Tori to get her hair cut again. It grows so damn fast! She was beginning to look a bit wild already, and Sunday is Easter (although I haven't been to church in ages--apparently, I accidentally gave up church for lent thanks to various illnesses and my vacation) and she's wearing the cutest dress that I bought right after Christmas thanks to Tori's internet auntie Tanya in Japan, and I just wanted Tori to look cute and springy and adorable. So, off we went.

Instead of driving twenty minutes away I decided to go to the place that is right in the downtown section of my borough. It was close, and I'd forgotten all about it before, and I realized I should support my local businesses and, so, off we went.

It was a DISASTER.

The hairdresser was utterly TERRIFIED of her scissors (she had a large scar on her hand where she's slipped before). Tori is not the greatest kid while getting her haircut, crying at first (although she settled down while I held her) and moving around a lot, so the hairdresser kept jumping away from Tori, both afraid of cutting Tori and cutting herself. Once Tori settled down, she worked hard on her, FOR NEARLY AN HOUR.

The result? Tori has uneven bangs, her hair is super short and a cross between a typical boy cut and a bowl cut, one side is much thicker than the other, and she has a huge chunk missing out of the back of one section because the hairdresser slipped and cut when Tori moved. I'd been hoping for something more like this, and instead got this (sorry these pictures suck, I literally stopped writing to run up and interrupt Tori playing with Sarah's daughter to photograph her):

Now, I realize Tori is going to suffer no trauma from this event (I'm not so sure about me) and her hair grows super fast so it's really not a big deal. But let's discuss the hairdresser for a moment. It sounds like she's totally incompetent, doesn't it? Like she has no right to be running a hair salon at all.

But here's the thing: she's African-American, and so are most of her customers, and guess what? She told me most of them DON'T GET THEIR HAIR CUT with scissors. They use clippers on the boys, and the girls get braids or get styles. So she's actually a great hairdresser (I'm judging this by her three kids who were all there with great hair styles). She's just not the hairdresser for Tori.

But she didn't feel comfortable turning us away as customers. How ironic is that?

I thought about this as I listened to Obama's speech. I'll tell you the truth; I don't think what his pastor said was all that wrong, or untrue, or out of line. But it still makes me squirm. In a weird way, it makes me squirm the same way that Sarah and Charlie's road rage makes me squirm. Other people's anger just  makes me uncomfortable. It is very difficult to just sit and listen to other people's rage and just... take it for what it is, and accept that it isn't directed at us personally.

And that, I think, is what Obama is asking us to do.

It's challenging.

I like that he is challenging us.

But here's what bothers me, too. There is a bit of, well, I don't know what to call it. What if Hillary, in reaction to Ms. Ferraro's comments, decided that SHE needed to have give a "major speech" about race?

Yeah.

Only Mr. Obama is allowed to give such a speech. Because he's not white. I, frankly, would not have been comfortable addressing the fact that the reason Tori's haircut came out so badly was because her hairdresser was inexperienced in cutting white hair, frankly, if I didn't have Obama's speech to build it around. I can frame it all nice and carefully around this whole, "See, I'm not a racist" blog entry this way. But I will confess that I hadn't gone to this kid's haircuttery before because I knew it was primarily for African-Americans until one of the parents at the playground mentioned it to me, and I worried that I was being racist by not choosing to patronize it.

The truth is, as a liberal white, I am so goddamned uncomfortable ever talking about race that I pretend it doesn't exist. My friend Jim, who happens to be black, once told me a joke: "What do you call a black person who can fly a plane?" I paused for a moment, and before I could say anything he said, "A pilot, you racist motherfucker!" and then he laughed and laughed. Of course, Jim is the same guy who corrects you when you say, "I dyed my hair black," he looks askance and says, "African-American!" so I didn't take it too seriously, but still--it's a perfect example of my white liberal guilt--I'm looking for the special, above-and-beyond the norm label when, in fact, a black person flying a plane is really just a pilot like everyone else that flies planes.

I found Obama's speech deeply compelling, like so many of you did (as I read in your blogs). But I'm still leaning toward Hillary at the moment. Here's one reason: when I look at the issues section of Obama's page, I don't find anything about a woman's right to choose. Not even when I hunt through it. Extensively. That REALLY bothers me. He claims to be pro-choice, but why not say so? Obama fans, can you help me here? Hillary has women's rights front and center in her issues list. As you all know, this issue is just a tad important to me. Heh.

But before I divert myself too far from the issue at hand, I think Jon Stewart said it best last night: kudos to Barack Obama for standing up yesterday (in my city!) and talking to us about race--LIKE WE ARE ADULTS. God bless him for that.

I'd love the hear your thoughts. Do tell!

Dumbledore is GAY

So, perhaps you haven't heard that J.K. Rowling has decided to "out" Dumbledore, of Harry Potter fame. Turns out that he was madly in love with his friend Grindenwald, the dude that began the descent of magic into the dark side. Apparently, Dumbledore was blinded by love, hence the bad choices he made, and his decision to "repent" by teaching future young magicians.

The response to this has been pretty typical. First, of course, the religious right--much of which already pretty much hated the Harry Potter series--just considers this to be fuel for the hell fires. Most Harry Potter fans are reacting with cautious support (most don't think it really matters).

My opinion? Well, frankly, it's pretty fucking safe to make that announcement NOW, isn't it? All the books are published, she's already made her millions, the contracts are signed for the last couple of movies--what harm can it really do her or the series?

But, of course, if she had acknowledged it earlier it could have helped shaped the attitudes of an entire generation of children to be gay friendly and gay tolerant--and maybe even helped young people that are struggling with their sexuality.

I'm having trouble finding much in the way of linkable reactions in the gay community (which tells me that I really need to be reading more queer blogs). If you know a gay blogger that has commented on this, please post a link in the comments section!

What do you think? Too little, too late? No point? What's your take?

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On a mildly related note, I've gotten a couple of forwarded emails dissing the movie version of one of my favorite books, The Golden Compass. This is what the email says:

You may already know about this, but I just learned about a kid’s movie coming out in December starring Nicole Kidman. I believe it's called The Golden Compass, and while it will be a watered down version, it is based on a series of children's books about killing god (It is the anti-Narnia). Please follow this link, and then pass it on. From what I understand, the hope is to get a lot of kids to see the movie – which won't seem too bad - and then get the parents to buy the books for their kids for Christmas. The quotes from the author sum it all up.

Here's the real deal, folks.

The author IS an atheist. He is a believer in secular humanism. He did not like the Narnia series. He wrote a series of books that share his philosophy. 

But ultimately? This book is no more about religion or "killing God" than the Lord of the Rings books are.

It's a little something called a FANTASY NOVEL (or movie). Your kids will not rise up and try to kill God if they see this movie. Seriously. Get a grip. The "ultimate authority" that is killed off in the book is more like Big Brother in 1984 than it is God. It really isn't directly analogous.

Sigh. We can all get so worked up about stuff, can't we?

In The News

It's Friday... so let's discuss the news.

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First up, as you've all heard, President "I Hate Poor Kids" Bush vetoed the spending increase for the SCHIP program. Not a shock, of course, he said he'd do it. Ironically, he vetoed it specifically to keep kids like Tori from being able to use the program; kids who have parents that can technically afford to pay $400 a month (instead of the $63 we would have paid if she had been able to join the Pennsylvania CHIP program), but now can't afford to buy that new car we so desperately need (the engine light is on now in ours--grrrrrrrrreat). Remember, the SCHIP program is actually NOT socialized health care--it is private health insurance that the state subsidizes (and the insurance companies seriously discount).

Happy days.

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Seriously? This is the shit people get upset about? Obama's fucking lapel pin???

Holy fucking crap. This blows me away. The report I saw last night on ABC News was quick to mention the fact that MOST of the candidates don't wear a flag lapel pin--not even John McCain. People are upset about it? Really?

*burying her head in her hands.* I am so glad we are talking about THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

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On a happier note, I read the same article Moxie did (apparently; Newsweek?) with equal enthusiasm. Some enterprising folks have created an awesome laptop that runs on only two watts of power (it has both a hand crank and solar power to charge it), a screen bright enough to be seen in full sun, has the world's most sensitive wifi connection, and can be dropped and banged with being killed. And the best part? It only costs $188 to make (the creators are firmly committed to getting the price down to less than $100 a computer).

They hope to spread them around the world so every child, everywhere, can have a laptop. How awesome is that? But sadly, they don't quite have the funding they need (of course)--several handshake deals have fallen apart. They are still committed to the idea, so they will soon be offering the opportunity to "buy one, give one." Meaning, you can buy this awesome laptop for YOUR kid for $400 (still very reasonable) and they will GIVE one to a poor kid somewhere.

I am thinking that we will do this ourselves, giving us a sturdy traveling laptop that we can take camping and stuff and still work next summer. Very exciting!

Projects like this--and like the new micro-loan programs going on around the world (this guy won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work)--prove that business can make needed products and still turn a profit.

Rock on.

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So, what did you see in the news this week that caught your eye?

Oh, and if you're interested, here are pictures of Tori at her first trip to the aquarium. I'll leave them public until Monday.

And why is a government run medical insurance program bad again?

When I was in seventh grade, back in the late seventies, most of my weekends were spent at the roller rink with all the other kids my age. Ah, memories; the disco, the couples-only skate, the bad music and the bad lights. I loved it, and I was a pretty good skater most of the time, even managing to skate backwards well enough to be on the floor during the backwards-only skate.

But one lovely Saturday I was skating when an employee of the rink flew by me, fast, and he knocked my skate with his and I went flying. I thrust out my left arm to catch myself, but I was moving too hard and too fast and just like that--snap--both of the bones in my arm broke clean through.

It's funny how much I remember from that day. I remember the shock on the face of the guy who knocked me over. I remember my arm looking oddly like a floppy "z" because the hand and wrist just kind of hung there like meat off the end of my arm. I remember someone putting ice on it, and then asking them to take it off because it was too cold, and then asking them to put it back on again because looking at my broken z-shaped arm made me want to throw up.

I don't remember the ride to the hospital, but I do remember the huge Navajo nurse that hovered around me like a protective bear and how he soothed me when I saw the size of the needle they were going to put in my arm to numb it up for manipulation. I remember watching sweat running down his face as he and the doctor bent and twisted my arm back and forth until with a huge "SNAP!" the bones realigned. I even remember the happy and surprised looks on both the doctor's and the nurse's faces when they felt my arm and realized it was back in place (they really thought I'd need surgery). I remember the smell of the plaster as they put on my cast, and I remember feeling sad that I had to have a clunky white cast and I couldn't have the much cooler, brand new pink fiberglass cast.

Why couldn't I have the fiberglass? Because we didn't have insurance.

When my mom picked me up at the roller rink, her face was a study in fear. She was afraid for me and my broken arm and suffering from that horrible, helpless feeling that a mother has when her child is hurt (a feeling I understand much better now), but she was also afraid because it was clear how badly my arm was injured, and that meant hospitals, doctors, and bills bills bills.

Eventually, due to shitty record keeping and bullying bill collectors my mom ended up having to pay cash out-of-pocket for my broken arm TWICE. Unlike most insurance companies, my mom didn't have an entire department of accountants scanning invoices for double charges and billing mistakes, and she certainly didn't have a lawyer to go to her defense and keep her from paying twice. She was young, scared, and she just did the best she could.

Luckily, things are somewhat better now for poor families than they were for me and my mom. Most states now offer some sort of low-income health care benefits for children, and are actually doing a pretty good job of educating families about the availability of such programs (according to this study, only 9% of families were still unaware of the options).

But there are still big ol' holes in the system. In my state, the state-run insurance program for children is actually open to ALL uninsured children, regardless of income (those with a higher income pay a small monthly premium). But in order to qualify, the child has to have NO INSURANCE. So when we tried to sign Tori up to the state plan (at a savings of over $250 a month for the exact same plan), we were denied because we are unwilling to allow her current insurance to lapse first.

As you may of heard, President "I'm totally profile as long as the children haven't been born yet" Bush has been hoping to actually widen that gap, requiring children to remain uninsured for an entire YEAR before they qualify for these programs. He is so insistent, in fact, that he is willing to veto the current funding bill in its entirety to prove his point--leaving many states forced to cancel the program for thousands of children.

Back in 1979, my broken arm cost my mother about $1,000 (the first and second times). While my mother worked hard to keep us off welfare and stopped relying even on the meager help that food stamps provided, she still did not earn near enough to give us medical insurance. Even without my breaking any bones, I was not a cheap kid medically--I had pretty severe asthma and allergies, and was in and out of emergency rooms with asthma attacks (of course, without insurance, we were unable to work with a doctor to manage my care to decrease the frequency of attacks). Adding another $1,000 in bills to our budget nearly broke us. I shudder to think about the things my mother had to give up to pay it off--TWICE (that twice thing really galls me, can you tell?).

Does President Bush have any idea what can happen to a family whose child has no health insurance in a year? What about a child with a chronic illness, or one that requires surgery, or one who has an accident like my broken arm? You know what happens? Bankruptcy. Eviction. At the very least, a ruined credit rating--preventing the parents from buying a home, a car, or any other piece of the American dream.

I remember that fear on my mother's face all too well. It left me with scars; for years, even though I had insurance from my jobs, I waited until I was deathly ill to see a doctor. Basic health care management was beyond my comprehension until I was in my late twenties. Because I don't want Tori to ever worry in that way, Charlie and I spend about a quarter of our monthly income on medical insurance for our family, nearly $1,200 a month (more--much more--than our mortgage).

Hillary Clinton attempted to change the health care climate when her husband was president, and we all remember how well that was received. But, brave woman that she is, she is still trying to do something about it. Her new health care proposal is similar to the Massachusetts plan (in a wonderful touch of campaign irony, Mitt Romney supported the plan when he was Governor of Massachusetts, but is railing against Hillary's plan), and would help families like mine find a level of health care coverage that would be affordable and provide the coverage we need.

I know all the arguments against state-subsidized health care, and some are valid. But the problem remains that health care costs are not only bankrupting families, they are driving companies out of business--look at what is happening with the United Auto Workers and General Motors right now. Maybe if GM didn't have to worry about the constantly increasing cost of health care (at my last job, the cost to my employers went up over 25% in two years) they might re-open some factories instead of closing them all down. Who knows?

With some sort of health care support from the government--in whatever form it takes--companies will be able to hire more workers, everyone will be healthier thanks to better managed care (thus driving down the overall costs of health care), and no more mothers will have to have terror strike through their hearts each time their child is knocked down at the roller rink. Seriously, people--why don't we care enough about our children--and hell, our adults--to do this?

Ten Things I'm Confused About

Before I start this rant, all hail the arrival of the darling Lauren! I'm still dancing a jig about her.

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1. Tori's nap schedule. It's clear she wants to do just one nap a day, but today her one nap was only an hour and a half long. That seems like very dramatic to go from four hours of naps a day to suddenly less than half that. It might have been because my mom was babysitting today (she napped while we were at a meeting). I'm not sure how to ease this transition. Suggestions?

2. Other parents. The great thing about one nap is that I can do things like take Tori to our local library's story hour, which we did for the first time today. It was really awesome (aside from the simply horrid Philly accent that the leader had), and Tori just loved it. There were about ten kids there, and three of them were her age (one little boy even shared her birthday!). The only bad moment came when Tori stole another kid's binky (pacifier or plug for some of you). The boy she took it from was quite a bit younger than Tori, and he just wailed. His mother wouldn't meet my eyes and even though she said it was OK, (I obviously took it away from Tori and gave it back right to her) it clearly wasn't. She didn't give it back to her son (clearly more germ-phobic than I am, I would have just wiped it on my shirt and given it back) and wouldn't take me up on the offer to wash it (since she had two kids there I figured it was easier for me to just take Tori to the bathroom to wash it). Her son was horribly upset; I felt so bad. I feel like I behaved appropriately; the only other thing I could have done was stop talking to another parent and watched Tori more carefully so that I stopped it before it happened, or, you know gone back in time to stop it. Should I have done something differently? Maybe I'm the clueless one and I am not following proper story time etiquette. This is just the sort of shit that makes me not want to ever go again.

3. Why I can't get paid to blog. I'll admit it; I'm jealous of other bloggers. First Dooce and then Finslippy at Alpha Mom, and then Julia and now Julie at the Redbook Diaries. I've sent pitches to several places, submitted my credentials and writing samples to probably about fifty blogging jobs I've found listings for and with the exception of the lovely folks at Babble (totally my favorite parenting site), no one has even responded. It's like my queries are vanishing into cyberspace. Is it the swearing? Fuck. It's probably the fucking swearing. I would love to blog about spirituality, politics, parenting, being fat and trying to lose weight--whatever! Someone just pay me! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

4. Why it's taken me so long to discover Keri Arthur's paranormal romance series. When I found her first book I knew I was going to love it--while it was titled the rather dull "Full Moon Rising" the book jacket said, "Half werewolf, half vampire--all trouble." She's like all the good stuff about Laurell K. Hamilton (the author of the Anita Blake, vampire hunter series) without all the bad. There's tons of hot sex, but it never slows down the plot, and the writing is SO MUCH BETTER. Seriously, she's awesome, and I have no fucking idea why her books are called romance. They are more mystery/fantasy than romance. By the way, I just took ten books out of the library and I think only one of those did not involve vampires or werewolves in some fashion. Heh.

5. Why no one is buying Sarah's photos from her way-cool website. Except for me, of course. I know it's a shameless plug, but seriously, the woman has talent! I bought this photo of me for Charlie for his birthday. Everyone should have Sarah take their picture nude. It's an empowering experience.

6. Why I am having so much trouble getting through this book. I've been asked to review it, and I just can't make myself read more than a chapter at a time. I should love it--I mean, the material is near and dear to my heart--but so far the nicest thing I can say about it is that it's the perfect gift to get for that annoying aunt that says stupid shit like, "I just don't get this IVF stuff." There are so many of us bloggers that could (and have) do it better.

7. Why I love TV shows about dysfunctional people. We watched HBO's new show "Tell Me You Love Me" the other night, and while of course it's very good (it's HBO, after all), I'm not sure I can get that into it. Well, except for the near pornographic sex (seriously, I do NOT know how they faked it so well). Charlie and I both felt so much better about our relationship after it was over, I have to say. One of the couples has gone over a year without sex. Shit. And I thought my sex drive was low.

8. Why there aren't more shows like Californication. Have you seen this new show on Showtime? Holy fuck it's awesome. First off, David Duchovney is HOT. Seriously, HOT HOT HOT. He plays drunken asshole writer so very well. And the script is so snappy we have to rewind it constantly to catch every word. Great, great show. Sad it's only a half-hour.

9. Why I'm talking so much about TV. My summer shows are all wrapping up (The Closer--which I love; Saving Grace, love love love; Mad Men; The 4400--although I think I'm the only person that watches that show). All I want to know is, when the fuck does Heroes come back (Sept 24, apparently)?

10. Why I persist in writing list posts. Cause I've been doing so much writing for work I think I've bruised my writing bone. Sorry.

Yet Another Reason To Avoid Texas

OH MY GOD Ew.

Things That Are Pissing Me Off, Version 4.0

In no particular order:

1. This woman. She "wants" to call presidential candidate John Edwards a faggot (she can't, cause then she'd have to go to "rehab"), she claims that the best thing she could say about Mr. Edwards is that she wishes he'd died in a terrorist attack, and she makes fun of the horrific death of his child. In a time when our civil rights, including that of free speech, are slowly being chipped away, somehow this nightmare of a pundit doesn't ever get the bitch slap she deserves.

2. These folks. Well, five of them at least. See above free speech decision as an example of why I think Canada is looking more and more attractive.

3. This incident. First off, if you can't show two young men kissing in a yearbook, you can't show ANYONE kissing in a yearbook. Secondly, to label the photo as "obscene" in the initial response to the uproar is fucking stupid because it wasn't any more obscene than any other kiss in that yearbook. Thirdly, if you were going to prevent the photo from ending up in the yearbook, you should NOT have taken the kid's $150 to include it AND perhaps you could have stopped it at SOME EARLIER POINT IN THE PROCESS instead of BLACKING OUT THE PHOTO like you were a high school student yourself. This story has ended as well as it could; the superintendent admitted that she was homophobic and apologized to both the student and the entire graduating class, and they are reissuing the yearbook with the photo intact. But STILL.

4. This asshole. Thanks, douche bag, for making an entire generation of kids flunk their civics exams by stating that the Vice-President is NOT PART OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT. In the United States. Even though a little document called the MOTHERFUCKING CONSTITUTION says differently. In other words, are you fucking kidding me??? Charlie thinks he should be in jail. I think he should be booted out of office and forced to cash in his immense fortune and send us each a damn check. Then he should be forced to live on food stamps for a while. That seems fair.

5. Stuff closer to home; everything is breaking. For instance, our wireless port thingy is dying. And our car just underwent another $1,200 repair, and the moment it came home from the shop it started making a horrible rattling noise when it idles. And that it's roughly 10 million degrees out and the new air conditioner we just bought for our bedroom SUCKS ASS and doesn't cool it down at all. I'm tired of things breaking in our homes and lives. Damn it.

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What's pissing you off today?

In The News *edited to add a gem of news*

So, first off, about the video post. You likey? Cause I likey very, very much. It was way, way, way fun to do and frankly, I'm having to stop myself from doing it every day.

But several folks mentioned that I seemed much less "tough" then they thought. I didn't realize that I came across as some sort of tough girl on this blog. Maybe it's the tattoos? So funny. Thanks for all the compliments about my voice. And yes, in my youth, I did do phone sex recordings (not live chat). Heh.

Anyway. There's been some interesting stuff in the news lately that I wanted to talk about.

First off, there was this article in the New York Times recently.  Apparently, infant mortality is on the rise in the South, particularly Mississippi, particularly among African-Americans. It's blamed primarily on the lack of medical care, poor prenatal care, and of course obesity (because fat people are always at fault, after all--not that I'm denying the effects of things like diabetes on pregnancy, but because often these days obesity is blamed for everything). It's a truly horrible situation.

I don't mean to beat a dead horse or anything, but I feel it's important to note that Mississippi has the lowest rates of abortion in the nation.  I wonder if the folks who fought so hard to prevent abortions in the state are now working as hard to take care of the living children? No, really, I don't know, and I can't find out anything about it. If you do know of any good programs going on there, I'd love to hear about it. I think we all would.

In other news, this horrible reality.  Apparently, women bloggers are finding themselves being constantly threatened with rape, other sexual violence, and of course death. Kathy Sierra, author of the blog Creating Passionate Users,  had to cancel a public appearance because of the threats she'd received. To quote the NY Times article,

"Someone typed a comment on her blog about slitting her throat and ejaculating. The noose photo appeared next, on a site that sprang up to harass her. On the site, someone contributed this comment: "the o