Uppercase Woman

In Which I Say, YOU ARE NOT HELPING

So about a gazillion of you folks emailed me this story in which a Yale student apparently artificially (or otherwise) inseminated herself for nine months and then induced abortions all in the name of art. Many claimed to be haunted by the story, as you should be, although I have to say after working for five years in an all woman art college the whole story just made me feel tired.

Hopefully by now you have all heard the follow up to the story; yes, Virginia, it was all a big fucking hoax. It was all a performance art piece to track the reactions people have to what women do with their bodies. And isn't it interesting? How people feel like she didn't have the right to do that with her body?

My initial reaction was just, oh lord have mercy, this is so NOT going to help the cause. But I find the reaction to it being a hoax very interesting; at the end of that Time piece a man saying, "Women who have suffered miscarriages and abortions don't find this amusing."

Really? Are you sure? I think perhaps he with the penis should SHUT IT. Because frankly? I think it being a hoax is actually kind of hilarious.

But overall, the whole mess is best ignored.

You want an art project to get up in arms about? Try this one. Warning: VERY DISTURBING IF YOU LOVE DOGS. Here is a petition to stop that artist from profiting from his sick work of "art."

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On a much lighter note... am I a bad person if I decide to just cut the arms and legs off my daughter's winter pajamas rather than buy her summer ones to save a little money?

More Things To Worry About (but trying to practice gratitude anyway)

So a woman shared this awesome meditation tool with me recently. She takes each letter of the alphabet and lists 26 things for which she is grateful, each day, one for each letter. I've been trying to do it each night as a tool to help me fall asleep (since I'm such a lousy sleeper).

It's hard. The first letter, A, is tough. What starts with A? I find that I usually end up being grateful for the abundance in my life. After spending so much time around someone that was homeless, it's pretty easy to see that I have great abundance. But besides things, I have an abundance of love and happiness in my life that I have such gratitude for--even now, as I find myself growing crankier and crankier these days thanks, I think, to the birth control pills I'm taking to relieve my migraines (which don't seem to be helping; in fact, they may be making it worse).

I have to work to recognize my abundance. I'm not sure why; maybe it's from growing up poor or maybe it's just how I'm wired, but there are really only two times I feel flush with abundance. First, when I come back from a big grocery store trip and the house if full of food (that, I'm sure, is from my childhood; seeing a full gallon of milk in a crowded fridge makes me feel safe like nothing else). Second is coming back from the library with a huge stack of books, knowing that at least for a few minutes a day for a few weeks I'll be able to bury myself in other magical worlds (I panic when I have nothing to read).

But when I started this blog a few years back I had no idea how much it would also make me feel full of abundance. I went to a baby shower on Sunday and I found myself thinking back to my own baby shower and how weird it must have been for some people to sit there and watch me open present after present from strangers on the Internet, and how incredibly moving it was that these so-called strangers took so much time to make me things and buy me things. It was so amazing.

And now it's equally amazing to see that Tip Jar filling up! Oh my god. I already have enough to pay for the (rather hefty $300) registration fee for the BlogHer conference, and am about 2/3 of the way to paying for my flight. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST. Thank you so much!
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Now on to more typical blog fodder.

You've all heard about the vanishing bees, right? Honeybees are vanishing without a trace from 24 different states across the country. This isn't just about a national honey shortage, folks: we're talking about $14 Billion worth of crops not getting pollinated. YIKES.

But have you also heard about the missing salmon? The Chinook Salmon that run from California to Oregon to Canada have, well, vanished. Their numbers have been declining for years and now they've just up and vanished completely.

Charlie is obsessed with the giant island--TWICE THE SIZE OF TEXAS--made entirely of 3.5 million tons of plastic. PLASTIC. Here's a cheery little movie about it.  How lovely is that? This has made us MUCH more diligent with our recycling, I tell you what.

Or how about the giant chunk of ice that just broke off Antarctica? The 160 square mile one? But you know, according to certain people in the White House, THERE'S NO GLOBAL WARMING.

THIS SHIT is why I have to mutter a 26-item long gratitude list to myself to get to sleep at night. This is terrifying. Toss in to that the rising costs of oil and the way that's impacting the costs of food, and it's a wonder that anyone can sleep at night.

My state primary is happening a week from today. I'm still wavering between Obama and Clinton (Clinton is NOT winning me over lately; even with Obama's recent statement of fact gaff, he's looking more and more like a stand-up guy and she's beginning to look like a carnival act). But damn it, whoever we vote into office has GOT to begin to address this. I mean, God's sending us all kinds of burning bushes here. What's it gonna take for us to notice?

Speaking to the Candidates About Choice On the Four Year Anniversary Of This Blog

Apparently, some folks who read this blog know some folks who know some folks and swear they can get this blog entry read by at least Obama, but I figured, why limit myself to just writing to Obama? I'm speaking to everyone who is running for President, including Ms. Clinton, and Mr. McCain (ok, maybe not Mr. Nader).

Why have I been appointed as someone to discuss the issue of choice? Because I'm the Internet Poster Girl For Partial Birth Abortion, that's why. It's not a title I'm proud of, but it's one I was saddled with a few years ago.

I'm not going to get into the whole story here. If you really want to read all about the harrowing details they start here. But you are all too busy running for president, so I'll give you the short version. In April of 2004 I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twin boys after undergoing in vitro treatment for male factor infertility (thanks to drugs my husband's mother took--DES, we suspect--while she was pregnant with him). We were on top of the world, although the pregnancy was difficult.

But a routine ultrasound on October 26--meant to be a time of great joy (my best friend came with us to the appointment--revealed terrible news: one of the twins had died, probably about a week before. We went from the ultrasound appointment to my obstetrician's office and were met with even more grim news. My weight had spiked up about 18 pounds, my blood pressure was soaring, and I had protein in my urine.

It turned out that I was in full-blown preeclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital immediately.

After that, everything happened very quickly. I was put on medication (magnesium sulfate) in an attempt to treat the preeclampsia and save the remaining twin until he reached outside-the-womb viability--a mere two weeks away (I was just over 22 weeks pregnant). But I got much worse overnight; my blood pressure couldn't be controlled, I had a massive headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. My kidneys shut down. I was moments away from seizures, coma, and death when the doctors came and told us the bad news: my remaining twin could not be saved. My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die.

You might, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, be able to imagine what it felt like to be my husband--to imagine being terrified of losing your children and your wife in one fell swoop. Ms. Clinton, you might be able to imagine lying in the hospital, so sick you barely feel any of what is happening, only knowing that the long-fought-for children you so desperately wanted are now both going to be dead.

Here's the part of the story where choice comes in. I could, of course, have gone through induced labor and delivered my tiny twins. But my blood pressure was hovering around 165/120 (often going higher), even with treatment. Can you imagine what labor would have done to my body with blood pressure that high? My doctor recommended, and I agreed, that I undergo the much less stressful intact dilation and extraction procedure--what the "pro-life" forces often like to call a "partial birth abortion." Of course, you being the smart and well-education politicians that you are know that there is NO medical procedure that is actually called a "partial birth abortion" so you know that there are several medical procedures that the "pro-life" movement put in that category, including the one that I had. Wait, I take that back--Mr. McCain, as you have been a staunch supporter of the Partial Birth Abortion ban you clearly were asleep in class when they discussed the actual procedures.

But I digress. My doctor refers to my procedure as the worst moment in his professional career. As I lay on the gurney, waiting for my procedure to start, I felt a gulf of grief and emptiness the like of which I have never known. I felt abandoned by God. I lay there, crying, alone, surrounded by doctors and nurses. You can't imagine the sadness.

I was lucky. Are you surprised that I would say that? I was lucky because the partial-birth abortion ban was not yet in effect in October of 2004. If it had been, I would have been forced to undergo labor and delivery, no matter the risks to my health, and I might right now be either dead or so brain damaged I would be unable to type this. I was additionally lucky because even though I live in Philadelphia, one of the largest cities in the country--a city, Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton, you two will be visiting a great deal in the next month--my doctor happened to be only one of two doctors in this entire city that was willing and able to perform this life-saving medical procedure (although he can't now, of course, thanks to the ban being enacted--besides, he left Pennsylvania for New Jersey thanks to our crazy medical malpractice insurance crisis but that's another story).

So that's my story. For a year after that, I licked my wounds and missed my sons, Nicholas and Zachary. Eventually, I underwent a frozen embryo transfer and gave birth to my daughter Victoria, whose grinning face you see above this entry. I had problems with her delivery as well, so I will not be having other children, sadly.

I'm sure that you will find my story compelling; even the most hard-hearted and most staunch pro-lifers have. Many who came to my blog to question my decision have stayed and become friends. You know why? Because mine was an "acceptable" abortion. I'm not a 26 year old professional woman who doesn't want to derail her career by having a child and chooses to terminate a pregnancy. Or a teenage girl who got drunk and forgot to make the boy wear a condom. Or a harried mother of three who just can't imagine having a fourth child.

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

So knock it off, will you? Fight to protect a woman's right to choose. I know, Ms. Clinton, that you believe in it enough to put it on the front page of your website, but your record isn't perfect. Mr. Obama, you do not discuss choice on your campaign page (although it's hosted on the Women for Obama page). Why not? Mr. McCain, for shame. Shame on you for promoting a law that is basically a warrant for my death. Come on.

I'm tired of writing about this. I am tired of being the Internet Poster Girl for Partial Birth Abortion, I assure you. It's not comfortable. By writing this post, I will get a new batch of pro-life people that will start telling me how I murdered my sons, how they could have lived (they never, ever, remember that one had already passed away) and some will threaten me. It happens every time I talk about this. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let someone else do this. But I won't. I don't know what it will take; perhaps a constitutional amendment protecting women's bodies?

Yeah. That might do it. Sigh. Like that will ever happen.

Haircuts, Race, And Why I Cringe About The Whole Damn Thing

On Tuesday we took Tori to get her hair cut again. It grows so damn fast! She was beginning to look a bit wild already, and Sunday is Easter (although I haven't been to church in ages--apparently, I accidentally gave up church for lent thanks to various illnesses and my vacation) and she's wearing the cutest dress that I bought right after Christmas thanks to Tori's internet auntie Tanya in Japan, and I just wanted Tori to look cute and springy and adorable. So, off we went.

Instead of driving twenty minutes away I decided to go to the place that is right in the downtown section of my borough. It was close, and I'd forgotten all about it before, and I realized I should support my local businesses and, so, off we went.

It was a DISASTER.

The hairdresser was utterly TERRIFIED of her scissors (she had a large scar on her hand where she's slipped before). Tori is not the greatest kid while getting her haircut, crying at first (although she settled down while I held her) and moving around a lot, so the hairdresser kept jumping away from Tori, both afraid of cutting Tori and cutting herself. Once Tori settled down, she worked hard on her, FOR NEARLY AN HOUR.

The result? Tori has uneven bangs, her hair is super short and a cross between a typical boy cut and a bowl cut, one side is much thicker than the other, and she has a huge chunk missing out of the back of one section because the hairdresser slipped and cut when Tori moved. I'd been hoping for something more like this, and instead got this (sorry these pictures suck, I literally stopped writing to run up and interrupt Tori playing with Sarah's daughter to photograph her):

Now, I realize Tori is going to suffer no trauma from this event (I'm not so sure about me) and her hair grows super fast so it's really not a big deal. But let's discuss the hairdresser for a moment. It sounds like she's totally incompetent, doesn't it? Like she has no right to be running a hair salon at all.

But here's the thing: she's African-American, and so are most of her customers, and guess what? She told me most of them DON'T GET THEIR HAIR CUT with scissors. They use clippers on the boys, and the girls get braids or get styles. So she's actually a great hairdresser (I'm judging this by her three kids who were all there with great hair styles). She's just not the hairdresser for Tori.

But she didn't feel comfortable turning us away as customers. How ironic is that?

I thought about this as I listened to Obama's speech. I'll tell you the truth; I don't think what his pastor said was all that wrong, or untrue, or out of line. But it still makes me squirm. In a weird way, it makes me squirm the same way that Sarah and Charlie's road rage makes me squirm. Other people's anger just  makes me uncomfortable. It is very difficult to just sit and listen to other people's rage and just... take it for what it is, and accept that it isn't directed at us personally.

And that, I think, is what Obama is asking us to do.

It's challenging.

I like that he is challenging us.

But here's what bothers me, too. There is a bit of, well, I don't know what to call it. What if Hillary, in reaction to Ms. Ferraro's comments, decided that SHE needed to have give a "major speech" about race?

Yeah.

Only Mr. Obama is allowed to give such a speech. Because he's not white. I, frankly, would not have been comfortable addressing the fact that the reason Tori's haircut came out so badly was because her hairdresser was inexperienced in cutting white hair, frankly, if I didn't have Obama's speech to build it around. I can frame it all nice and carefully around this whole, "See, I'm not a racist" blog entry this way. But I will confess that I hadn't gone to this kid's haircuttery before because I knew it was primarily for African-Americans until one of the parents at the playground mentioned it to me, and I worried that I was being racist by not choosing to patronize it.

The truth is, as a liberal white, I am so goddamned uncomfortable ever talking about race that I pretend it doesn't exist. My friend Jim, who happens to be black, once told me a joke: "What do you call a black person who can fly a plane?" I paused for a moment, and before I could say anything he said, "A pilot, you racist motherfucker!" and then he laughed and laughed. Of course, Jim is the same guy who corrects you when you say, "I dyed my hair black," he looks askance and says, "African-American!" so I didn't take it too seriously, but still--it's a perfect example of my white liberal guilt--I'm looking for the special, above-and-beyond the norm label when, in fact, a black person flying a plane is really just a pilot like everyone else that flies planes.

I found Obama's speech deeply compelling, like so many of you did (as I read in your blogs). But I'm still leaning toward Hillary at the moment. Here's one reason: when I look at the issues section of Obama's page, I don't find anything about a woman's right to choose. Not even when I hunt through it. Extensively. That REALLY bothers me. He claims to be pro-choice, but why not say so? Obama fans, can you help me here? Hillary has women's rights front and center in her issues list. As you all know, this issue is just a tad important to me. Heh.

But before I divert myself too far from the issue at hand, I think Jon Stewart said it best last night: kudos to Barack Obama for standing up yesterday (in my city!) and talking to us about race--LIKE WE ARE ADULTS. God bless him for that.

I'd love the hear your thoughts. Do tell!

Dumbledore is GAY

So, perhaps you haven't heard that J.K. Rowling has decided to "out" Dumbledore, of Harry Potter fame. Turns out that he was madly in love with his friend Grindenwald, the dude that began the descent of magic into the dark side. Apparently, Dumbledore was blinded by love, hence the bad choices he made, and his decision to "repent" by teaching future young magicians.

The response to this has been pretty typical. First, of course, the religious right--much of which already pretty much hated the Harry Potter series--just considers this to be fuel for the hell fires. Most Harry Potter fans are reacting with cautious support (most don't think it really matters).

My opinion? Well, frankly, it's pretty fucking safe to make that announcement NOW, isn't it? All the books are published, she's already made her millions, the contracts are signed for the last couple of movies--what harm can it really do her or the series?

But, of course, if she had acknowledged it earlier it could have helped shaped the attitudes of an entire generation of children to be gay friendly and gay tolerant--and maybe even helped young people that are struggling with their sexuality.

I'm having trouble finding much in the way of linkable reactions in the gay community (which tells me that I really need to be reading more queer blogs). If you know a gay blogger that has commented on this, please post a link in the comments section!

What do you think? Too little, too late? No point? What's your take?

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On a mildly related note, I've gotten a couple of forwarded emails dissing the movie version of one of my favorite books, The Golden Compass. This is what the email says:

You may already know about this, but I just learned about a kid’s movie coming out in December starring Nicole Kidman. I believe it's called The Golden Compass, and while it will be a watered down version, it is based on a series of children's books about killing god (It is the anti-Narnia). Please follow this link, and then pass it on. From what I understand, the hope is to get a lot of kids to see the movie – which won't seem too bad - and then get the parents to buy the books for their kids for Christmas. The quotes from the author sum it all up.

Here's the real deal, folks.

The author IS an atheist. He is a believer in secular humanism. He did not like the Narnia series. He wrote a series of books that share his philosophy. 

But ultimately? This book is no more about religion or "killing God" than the Lord of the Rings books are.

It's a little something called a FANTASY NOVEL (or movie). Your kids will not rise up and try to kill God if they see this movie. Seriously. Get a grip. The "ultimate authority" that is killed off in the book is more like Big Brother in 1984 than it is God. It really isn't directly analogous.

Sigh. We can all get so worked up about stuff, can't we?

In The News

It's Friday... so let's discuss the news.

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First up, as you've all heard, President "I Hate Poor Kids" Bush vetoed the spending increase for the SCHIP program. Not a shock, of course, he said he'd do it. Ironically, he vetoed it specifically to keep kids like Tori from being able to use the program; kids who have parents that can technically afford to pay $400 a month (instead of the $63 we would have paid if she had been able to join the Pennsylvania CHIP program), but now can't afford to buy that new car we so desperately need (the engine light is on now in ours--grrrrrrrrreat). Remember, the SCHIP program is actually NOT socialized health care--it is private health insurance that the state subsidizes (and the insurance companies seriously discount).

Happy days.

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Seriously? This is the shit people get upset about? Obama's fucking lapel pin???

Holy fucking crap. This blows me away. The report I saw last night on ABC News was quick to mention the fact that MOST of the candidates don't wear a flag lapel pin--not even John McCain. People are upset about it? Really?

*burying her head in her hands.* I am so glad we are talking about THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

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On a happier note, I read the same article Moxie did (apparently; Newsweek?) with equal enthusiasm. Some enterprising folks have created an awesome laptop that runs on only two watts of power (it has both a hand crank and solar power to charge it), a screen bright enough to be seen in full sun, has the world's most sensitive wifi connection, and can be dropped and banged with being killed. And the best part? It only costs $188 to make (the creators are firmly committed to getting the price down to less than $100 a computer).

They hope to spread them around the world so every child, everywhere, can have a laptop. How awesome is that? But sadly, they don't quite have the funding they need (of course)--several handshake deals have fallen apart. They are still committed to the idea, so they will soon be offering the opportunity to "buy one, give one." Meaning, you can buy this awesome laptop for YOUR kid for $400 (still very reasonable) and they will GIVE one to a poor kid somewhere.

I am thinking that we will do this ourselves, giving us a sturdy traveling laptop that we can take camping and stuff and still work next summer. Very exciting!

Projects like this--and like the new micro-loan programs going on around the world (this guy won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work)--prove that business can make needed products and still turn a profit.

Rock on.

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So, what did you see in the news this week that caught your eye?

Oh, and if you're interested, here are pictures of Tori at her first trip to the aquarium. I'll leave them public until Monday.

And why is a government run medical insurance program bad again?

When I was in seventh grade, back in the late seventies, most of my weekends were spent at the roller rink with all the other kids my age. Ah, memories; the disco, the couples-only skate, the bad music and the bad lights. I loved it, and I was a pretty good skater most of the time, even managing to skate backwards well enough to be on the floor during the backwards-only skate.

But one lovely Saturday I was skating when an employee of the rink flew by me, fast, and he knocked my skate with his and I went flying. I thrust out my left arm to catch myself, but I was moving too hard and too fast and just like that--snap--both of the bones in my arm broke clean through.

It's funny how much I remember from that day. I remember the shock on the face of the guy who knocked me over. I remember my arm looking oddly like a floppy "z" because the hand and wrist just kind of hung there like meat off the end of my arm. I remember someone putting ice on it, and then asking them to take it off because it was too cold, and then asking them to put it back on again because looking at my broken z-shaped arm made me want to throw up.

I don't remember the ride to the hospital, but I do remember the huge Navajo nurse that hovered around me like a protective bear and how he soothed me when I saw the size of the needle they were going to put in my arm to numb it up for manipulation. I remember watching sweat running down his face as he and the doctor bent and twisted my arm back and forth until with a huge "SNAP!" the bones realigned. I even remember the happy and surprised looks on both the doctor's and the nurse's faces when they felt my arm and realized it was back in place (they really thought I'd need surgery). I remember the smell of the plaster as they put on my cast, and I remember feeling sad that I had to have a clunky white cast and I couldn't have the much cooler, brand new pink fiberglass cast.

Why couldn't I have the fiberglass? Because we didn't have insurance.

When my mom picked me up at the roller rink, her face was a study in fear. She was afraid for me and my broken arm and suffering from that horrible, helpless feeling that a mother has when her child is hurt (a feeling I understand much better now), but she was also afraid because it was clear how badly my arm was injured, and that meant hospitals, doctors, and bills bills bills.

Eventually, due to shitty record keeping and bullying bill collectors my mom ended up having to pay cash out-of-pocket for my broken arm TWICE. Unlike most insurance companies, my mom didn't have an entire department of accountants scanning invoices for double charges and billing mistakes, and she certainly didn't have a lawyer to go to her defense and keep her from paying twice. She was young, scared, and she just did the best she could.

Luckily, things are somewhat better now for poor families than they were for me and my mom. Most states now offer some sort of low-income health care benefits for children, and are actually doing a pretty good job of educating families about the availability of such programs (according to this study, only 9% of families were still unaware of the options).

But there are still big ol' holes in the system. In my state, the state-run insurance program for children is actually open to ALL uninsured children, regardless of income (those with a higher income pay a small monthly premium). But in order to qualify, the child has to have NO INSURANCE. So when we tried to sign Tori up to the state plan (at a savings of over $250 a month for the exact same plan), we were denied because we are unwilling to allow her current insurance to lapse first.

As you may of heard, President "I'm totally profile as long as the children haven't been born yet" Bush has been hoping to actually widen that gap, requiring children to remain uninsured for an entire YEAR before they qualify for these programs. He is so insistent, in fact, that he is willing to veto the current funding bill in its entirety to prove his point--leaving many states forced to cancel the program for thousands of children.

Back in 1979, my broken arm cost my mother about $1,000 (the first and second times). While my mother worked hard to keep us off welfare and stopped relying even on the meager help that food stamps provided, she still did not earn near enough to give us medical insurance. Even without my breaking any bones, I was not a cheap kid medically--I had pretty severe asthma and allergies, and was in and out of emergency rooms with asthma attacks (of course, without insurance, we were unable to work with a doctor to manage my care to decrease the frequency of attacks). Adding another $1,000 in bills to our budget nearly broke us. I shudder to think about the things my mother had to give up to pay it off--TWICE (that twice thing really galls me, can you tell?).

Does President Bush have any idea what can happen to a family whose child has no health insurance in a year? What about a child with a chronic illness, or one that requires surgery, or one who has an accident like my broken arm? You know what happens? Bankruptcy. Eviction. At the very least, a ruined credit rating--preventing the parents from buying a home, a car, or any other piece of the American dream.

I remember that fear on my mother's face all too well. It left me with scars; for years, even though I had insurance from my jobs, I waited until I was deathly ill to see a doctor. Basic health care management was beyond my comprehension until I was in my late twenties. Because I don't want Tori to ever worry in that way, Charlie and I spend about a quarter of our monthly income on medical insurance for our family, nearly $1,200 a month (more--much more--than our mortgage).

Hillary Clinton attempted to change the health care climate when her husband was president, and we all remember how well that was received. But, brave woman that she is, she is still trying to do something about it. Her new health care proposal is similar to the Massachusetts plan (in a wonderful touch of campaign irony, Mitt Romney supported the plan when he was Governor of Massachusetts, but is railing against Hillary's plan), and would help families like mine find a level of health care coverage that would be affordable and provide the coverage we need.

I know all the arguments against state-subsidized health care, and some are valid. But the problem remains that health care costs are not only bankrupting families, they are driving companies out of business--look at what is happening with the United Auto Workers and General Motors right now. Maybe if GM didn't have to worry about the constantly increasing cost of health care (at my last job, the cost to my employers went up over 25% in two years) they might re-open some factories instead of closing them all down. Who knows?

With some sort of health care support from the government--in whatever form it takes--companies will be able to hire more workers, everyone will be healthier thanks to better managed care (thus driving down the overall costs of health care), and no more mothers will have to have terror strike through their hearts each time their child is knocked down at the roller rink. Seriously, people--why don't we care enough about our children--and hell, our adults--to do this?

Ten Things I'm Confused About

Before I start this rant, all hail the arrival of the darling Lauren! I'm still dancing a jig about her.

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1. Tori's nap schedule. It's clear she wants to do just one nap a day, but today her one nap was only an hour and a half long. That seems like very dramatic to go from four hours of naps a day to suddenly less than half that. It might have been because my mom was babysitting today (she napped while we were at a meeting). I'm not sure how to ease this transition. Suggestions?

2. Other parents. The great thing about one nap is that I can do things like take Tori to our local library's story hour, which we did for the first time today. It was really awesome (aside from the simply horrid Philly accent that the leader had), and Tori just loved it. There were about ten kids there, and three of them were her age (one little boy even shared her birthday!). The only bad moment came when Tori stole another kid's binky (pacifier or plug for some of you). The boy she took it from was quite a bit younger than Tori, and he just wailed. His mother wouldn't meet my eyes and even though she said it was OK, (I obviously took it away from Tori and gave it back right to her) it clearly wasn't. She didn't give it back to her son (clearly more germ-phobic than I am, I would have just wiped it on my shirt and given it back) and wouldn't take me up on the offer to wash it (since she had two kids there I figured it was easier for me to just take Tori to the bathroom to wash it). Her son was horribly upset; I felt so bad. I feel like I behaved appropriately; the only other thing I could have done was stop talking to another parent and watched Tori more carefully so that I stopped it before it happened, or, you know gone back in time to stop it. Should I have done something differently? Maybe I'm the clueless one and I am not following proper story time etiquette. This is just the sort of shit that makes me not want to ever go again.

3. Why I can't get paid to blog. I'll admit it; I'm jealous of other bloggers. First Dooce and then Finslippy at Alpha Mom, and then Julia and now Julie at the Redbook Diaries. I've sent pitches to several places, submitted my credentials and writing samples to probably about fifty blogging jobs I've found listings for and with the exception of the lovely folks at Babble (totally my favorite parenting site), no one has even responded. It's like my queries are vanishing into cyberspace. Is it the swearing? Fuck. It's probably the fucking swearing. I would love to blog about spirituality, politics, parenting, being fat and trying to lose weight--whatever! Someone just pay me! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

4. Why it's taken me so long to discover Keri Arthur's paranormal romance series. When I found her first book I knew I was going to love it--while it was titled the rather dull "Full Moon Rising" the book jacket said, "Half werewolf, half vampire--all trouble." She's like all the good stuff about Laurell K. Hamilton (the author of the Anita Blake, vampire hunter series) without all the bad. There's tons of hot sex, but it never slows down the plot, and the writing is SO MUCH BETTER. Seriously, she's awesome, and I have no fucking idea why her books are called romance. They are more mystery/fantasy than romance. By the way, I just took ten books out of the library and I think only one of those did not involve vampires or werewolves in some fashion. Heh.

5. Why no one is buying Sarah's photos from her way-cool website. Except for me, of course. I know it's a shameless plug, but seriously, the woman has talent! I bought this photo of me for Charlie for his birthday. Everyone should have Sarah take their picture nude. It's an empowering experience.

6. Why I am having so much trouble getting through this book. I've been asked to review it, and I just can't make myself read more than a chapter at a time. I should love it--I mean, the material is near and dear to my heart--but so far the nicest thing I can say about it is that it's the perfect gift to get for that annoying aunt that says stupid shit like, "I just don't get this IVF stuff." There are so many of us bloggers that could (and have) do it better.

7. Why I love TV shows about dysfunctional people. We watched HBO's new show "Tell Me You Love Me" the other night, and while of course it's very good (it's HBO, after all), I'm not sure I can get that into it. Well, except for the near pornographic sex (seriously, I do NOT know how they faked it so well). Charlie and I both felt so much better about our relationship after it was over, I have to say. One of the couples has gone over a year without sex. Shit. And I thought my sex drive was low.

8. Why there aren't more shows like Californication. Have you seen this new show on Showtime? Holy fuck it's awesome. First off, David Duchovney is HOT. Seriously, HOT HOT HOT. He plays drunken asshole writer so very well. And the script is so snappy we have to rewind it constantly to catch every word. Great, great show. Sad it's only a half-hour.

9. Why I'm talking so much about TV. My summer shows are all wrapping up (The Closer--which I love; Saving Grace, love love love; Mad Men; The 4400--although I think I'm the only person that watches that show). All I want to know is, when the fuck does Heroes come back (Sept 24, apparently)?

10. Why I persist in writing list posts. Cause I've been doing so much writing for work I think I've bruised my writing bone. Sorry.

Yet Another Reason To Avoid Texas

OH MY GOD Ew.

Things That Are Pissing Me Off, Version 4.0

In no particular order:

1. This woman. She "wants" to call presidential candidate John Edwards a faggot (she can't, cause then she'd have to go to "rehab"), she claims that the best thing she could say about Mr. Edwards is that she wishes he'd died in a terrorist attack, and she makes fun of the horrific death of his child. In a time when our civil rights, including that of free speech, are slowly being chipped away, somehow this nightmare of a pundit doesn't ever get the bitch slap she deserves.

2. These folks. Well, five of them at least. See above free speech decision as an example of why I think Canada is looking more and more attractive.

3. This incident. First off, if you can't show two young men kissing in a yearbook, you can't show ANYONE kissing in a yearbook. Secondly, to label the photo as "obscene" in the initial response to the uproar is fucking stupid because it wasn't any more obscene than any other kiss in that yearbook. Thirdly, if you were going to prevent the photo from ending up in the yearbook, you should NOT have taken the kid's $150 to include it AND perhaps you could have stopped it at SOME EARLIER POINT IN THE PROCESS instead of BLACKING OUT THE PHOTO like you were a high school student yourself. This story has ended as well as it could; the superintendent admitted that she was homophobic and apologized to both the student and the entire graduating class, and they are reissuing the yearbook with the photo intact. But STILL.

4. This asshole. Thanks, douche bag, for making an entire generation of kids flunk their civics exams by stating that the Vice-President is NOT PART OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT. In the United States. Even though a little document called the MOTHERFUCKING CONSTITUTION says differently. In other words, are you fucking kidding me??? Charlie thinks he should be in jail. I think he should be booted out of office and forced to cash in his immense fortune and send us each a damn check. Then he should be forced to live on food stamps for a while. That seems fair.

5. Stuff closer to home; everything is breaking. For instance, our wireless port thingy is dying. And our car just underwent another $1,200 repair, and the moment it came home from the shop it started making a horrible rattling noise when it idles. And that it's roughly 10 million degrees out and the new air conditioner we just bought for our bedroom SUCKS ASS and doesn't cool it down at all. I'm tired of things breaking in our homes and lives. Damn it.

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What's pissing you off today?