Uppercase Woman

Prickly

That's me. Irritable. Cranky. Impatient.

I suspect a hormonal culprit (PMS, you fucking bitch).

As a result, I'm finding that Tori is impossible. Charlie is annoying. My life is... blah, blah, blah fucking blah.

This morning I talked to two women, one with three kids and one with four. These women were incredibly generous and kind while I whined about how difficult Tori has been lately (lately I've been referring to her as a bipolar midget--no disrespect to mental illness or little people, I promise). When I grudgingly admitted that I don't know how on earth they manage with more than one child, they both shrugged and said, "You just do."

So that is how I intend to be today. I'm going to slap a smile on my face, take deep breaths, and offer nothing but kindness and love to those around me, no matter how I'm actually feeling inside. Not because I want to put on a "good face"; it's not about dishonesty. It's about realizing that once a month or so I become mildly insane and it's best to just act as if I'm not. Heh.

But first, I'm going to go see a stupid movie. Alone. (It will NOT be Four Christmases which Charlie and I were unfortunate enough to see on Saturday night. God it SUCKED.) Then we're off to King of Prussia mall for our annual photo of Tori with Santa (here's two years ago, and here is last year).

So, I will leave you with today's Good News!

This is a small touching story. I think the person writing the article nailed it--that patriotism is all well and good when it's yelled from the roof tops (or screamed on Fox News), but small acts of celebration such as iron workers mounting flags on the buildings once they are done working on it is the sort of unusual thing that is done quietly, without fanfare, and is honorable as all hell. Makes me proud.

Holiday Linky Love

NOT to be confused with kinky love. Although I am also a fan of that. Ahem.

To start off this holiday season, I am going to inundate you with some links. Forgive me, but I'm made a bunch of promises, and today is the day to honor them.

But first, I just want to take the blog equivalent of a moment of silence for the folks in Mumbai. Like many Americans, I spent the weekend compartmentalizing the horror going on there because it was a holiday weekend and as a selfish American I wanted to enjoy it. But I followed the story as it happened, and I am so saddened at not only the loss of life but the sense of fear and horror that must be the overwhelming reality now for the living. So, please, let's take a moment and remember those in Mumbai.

.
.
.
.
.

Thanks.

First link up: my dear friend Nancy Falkow, who I have mentioned here before a gazillion times, finally has her new collection of lullabies out on CD (previously it was only available as a download). Nancy is, honestly, my favorite singer--she has a gorgeous voice and an amazing capacity to craft perfect tunes--and she sang at my wedding. The group is called Sunflow, and she shares writing and singing duty on this album with Fran King, whose voice could easily pass for Paul McCartney's (he might not like that comparison, but it makes me like him all the more). Nancy and Fran trade vocals from song to song, and I've been listening to this album now for months--no Tori anywhere--on a near daily basis. Seriously, I love it. Please give it a listen, and buy it, because they need the money (I know, everyone needs money). This album would be a PERFECT gift for, say, a preschool teacher? Oh yes. You can download the album here and purchase a CD there as well. You can watch a cute video for one of the songs by Sunflow here. Enjoy.

Second link, and this also a good gift buying one as well. My friend Tracy Helgeson, who knows all my dark, dark secrets from the late 80s (she was there, at the bars, with me back then, although she stopped and went off and had a family and a life and stuff many, many years before I did) is also immensely gifted, but as a painter. Tracy and I got back in touch a couple years ago and I now have a shrine to her artwork on my first floor (OK, it's only four paintings out of the seven, but still). She does breathtaking landscapes with unusual colors. Her paintings fill me with joy the same way Nancy's voice does. So she and many other artists are hurting thanks to the economic collapse, and have all banded together to create a place to buy art without paying out the commissions to galleries. So if you like to give art for Christmas (I love to, when I can afford it--seriously, it's a gift that lasts, ya know?), check out the two places that you can find great art for good deals; The Fine Art Department, and also the Small Art Showcase. You can see and purchase Tracy's work here.

Lastly, if you need insurance and live in Philly, go see my pal Vince Muscato. Seriously--at a time when money is super tight in my house, he just looked for and found an auto insurance policy that was 50% less than the one we had last year. Plus he is now looking into insurance that might help keep Charlie's mom in assisted living instead of a nursing home. He is my hero. 

I think that is actually all the links. That wasn't too bad, was it? Heh.

And, lastly, I have the winners of the contest on my review blog! You'll of course have to go over there to find out if you won. Oh, and with luck, there is going to be a fabulous new contest there soon. Stay tuned.

You'll be happy to know that the folks that interviewed me for a job a couple weeks ago have asked me back. You'll be less happy to know that the salary they are offering, sadly, isn't going to make the job worthwhile. Gah. I am sad because they really seem awesome. So, I'm still trying to get new clients and possibly find a job. All I want for Christmas is enough work to pay my bills. Sigh.

Oh! And I have two questions for you.

First; Tori's car seat. It's an awesome seat (thank you, Tanya), and is supposed to last until Tori is 65 lbs and 49 inches tall. To which I say BULLSHIT. Already Tori--who is exactly in the 50th percentile for height and weight--is fitting tight around the crotch area. If she thrashes around in the seat at all, she yells about how much it hurts, and gets all red and sore. Now, the shoulder straps adjust perfectly, but the bottom thingy that the straps click into does NOT move. Ever. As a result, she's only allowed to grow UP. If she gets any wider at the bottom, she'll be in pain from the seat. So. What do I do? Do I go for a bigger seat? Or a booster? What do you do?

Secondly, what the fuck should we do about our Christmas tree this year? Do I have to put it in a cage again this year (cause that is fucking UGLY and takes up half the living room)? What is your experience with 2.5 year olds and trees?

Thank you very much in advance for sharing your experience. :)

And, now, to round out this meandering linky post, today's Good News!

In the "gee, are they hiring?" category comes the news that the ball-bearing company Peer Bearing decided to do something a little different when they sold the company. Instead of leaving their loyal employees high and dry, they handed out $6.6 MILLION in bonuses. They based the bonuses on the years of service, and some folks went home with as much as $35,000. As a BONUS. People opened their bonus checks and wept. Now, that is some damned fine management. And I am totally jealous. A bonus like that would keep Charlie's mom in her assisted living place until July, at which time our Pennsylvania's Medicaid will begin paying for assisted living facilities. Sigh.

Have a great Monday, folks!

Today's News Filtered Through Food Coma

So I crawled out of bed at 9:30am this morning to find a living room in chaos with Charlie seriously considering calling the National Guard to help wrangle a child wired from not enough sleep. I've been trying to play with her since, but am still feeling moderately brain dead, so I am having trouble coming up with a topic today. This means I turned to Google Trends to discover what the internets are talking about this morning.

Apparently, according to Google, people are shopping or thinking about shopping. Look at this list of things and you will be reassured that consumerism is in fine shape this Christmas season.

And no, I have no fucking idea why Pam Dawber is the number one thing on Google trends today. As far as I can tell, she hasn't died. Odd. I mean, it's not odd that she hasn't died, it's just that I can't think of any other reason that the star of Mork & Mindy is suddenly the hottest ticket on Google today, you know, unless she'd died. OK. Um, moving on.

I did find this rather hilarious story of a judge in Colorado sentencing repeat noise ordinance violators to an hour of either Barry Manilow or the theme song to Barney. I really hope none of those offenders are mothers, because we have steel eardrum and can withstand anything, am I right?

But all Google Trends aside, I am still topic-less for the day. My brain is officially mush, so... what to do.

I did have one tiny idea; I have decided to institute a new policy for the rest of the Holiday season. From now until New Year's Day, I am going to scan the news to find a positive story to bring you every day. I cannot give you a gift, my lovely internet friends, so I am going to attempt to bring some good cheer. M'kay?

First up, this awesome story that was featured on NBC News about Malawi, a nation in Africa. In both 2002 and 2005, severe droughts left the country with over a third of it's population malnourished. This is a familiar story, of course--we Americans are constantly battered with images of starving Africans, and it seems to be a situation that doesn't get any better.

But Malawi--against the advice of Western advisers and Aid groups, who swore Malawi would destroy its entire economy--decided to hand out $60 million worth of fertilizer and drought-resistant seed to its farmers. Not only did this simple act eliminate hunger completely--really--it has also galvanized the economy, with many farmers now exporting their excess crops for a tidy profit.

Imagine that. Compared to the bailouts currently being handed out here in the USA (currently exceeding a TRILLION dollars), this tiny bailout of $60 million is barely a drop in the bucket, and it WORKED. Can you imagine?

Such a wonderful, happy story. Good for Malawi.

Now, off to continue in my child wrangling duties. Happy Black Friday, people (here in the USA, I imagine to the rest of the world today is just another Friday. Ahem).

Friday Rambling and CONTEST!!!

So, if there is an inch of snow on the ground, I should probably take out the air conditioners, right?

Sorry for my blog absence yesterday; I was flattened by a killer migraine again. I know I mention my migraines here frequently, but they are actually decreasing slowly and I am rarely getting completely wiped out by them like I did yesterday. Plus my new insurance plan actually covers my $25 each migraine pills for a mere $40 copay (although they only allow me to have a few pills a month, it's still better than what I had before!).

So, next random subject. The movie Twilight is out, and even though I am expecting to be incredibly disappointed by it, I am seized with the urge to go see it RIGHT NOW. I will not go today, sadly, as Charlie is working this afternoon at a temp job and I will be home alone with Tori. Plus I got in several twitter discussions about it and am sad to learn that, apparently, the whole damned series is a front for a discussion about Mormon-style abstinence. I quite enjoyed the books, thank you, without knowing that fact. What the fuck ever. I hate finding out that something I enjoy is a secret agenda-pushing subversive plot. Very distressing.

And, moving on again. So! I have a new review up at my review blog with a contest! My very first contest, people! How exciting is that? Heh. So, I reviewed Tori's very favorite food ever, "bug juice," also known to grown ups as Lifeway Food's Pro-Bug Kefir Drink. So please go check out my review, and then leave a comment to win some "bug juice" of your own! Hurry! Go now! :)

Sigh. I am still discussing Twilight on Twitter. Must. Stop. Now.

So, the last rambling thoughts I have... should I throw a party? I'm thinking an open house party, running from late afternoon into early evening, potluck style. Yes? Yes. I shall.

Good LORD I am boring today. What's up with you? How is your day? Do you have weekend plans? Please, make this post interesting. Sigh.

Dear Tori: Your Mommy Is An Asshole Right Now. Sorry.

My darling Tori Anne,

I have not been the mom to you that I want to be lately. I have no patience. I know I have been brusque with you; I know I should have just gone ahead and sung that lullaby to your stuffed Elmo last night instead of walking away and making you cry. I know I've been incredibly irritable, especially when you throw your binkys out of the crib over and over instead of going to sleep. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. After all, you are only two and a half years old--not even--and you are just being the kid you are supposed to be. I'm the one that is falling apart at the seams.

Part of it, my darling girl, is that both your Daddy and I are so stressed about money. I remember what it was like when I was a little girl watching my mom stress about money; I always felt guilty for needing and wanting things, and I still struggle with that today (for instance, I need a new winter coat, and I feel horribly guilty about it and just keep wearing lots of layers instead of trying to find money to shop). I really, really, REALLY don't want to instill those sorts of feelings in you. It is perfectly OK to want things. I promise. Even if you want things like candy corn after it's out of season; thank God your Daddy spotted some at the drug store yesterday. Now I can brush your hair again (yes, I bribe you with candy. I told you I was a bad mom).

If it's any comfort, sweetheart, it's not just you I am being this way with. The other night? That noise you heard about 10:30pm on Sunday when you were supposed to be sleeping? That was your Mommy losing her shit and yelling at Daddy for twenty minutes straight for no reasonable, well, reason. Sorry about that too. I know you don't like it when we yell at each other. And then yesterday I wrote what I thought was a silly and lighthearted post and it totally backfired and I both insulted people and got compared to the GOP. I am failing to communicate at all levels these days.

This afternoon your Mommy has a job interview for a really fun job that I think I'll be good at. But I feel badly because it means I will be away from you a couple days a week. Please know that I am not doing this because I want to get away from you (although I will confess that I think I might be a better mom if I get a bit more of a break now and then), but because I want a regular paycheck. And the chance to talk to adults a couple times a week. It's not because you are driving me crazy. I swear. Really.

Please forgive me and be patient with your Mommy. I am sure that once things level out, and your Grandmother is taken care of, and the house in the Poconos sells, and our paychecks start coming again, Mommy will be back to her patient, loving, and tolerant self. I hope.

Just remember, no matter what, I love you more than anything. You are still my favorite person in the universe. This stress will pass; but going through it? Kinda sucks. For everyone.

Love,

Mommy

Sunday Quickie

The sun if finally shining again here, after spending 14 out of the last 17 days cloudy and rainy.

I have found something that is helping my migraines significantly (progesterone cream).

I got a great night's sleep.

I have a job interview on Tuesday for a really interesting part time job that is right up my alley.

I just decided I don't have to go to church if I don't want to.

I'm thinking about going for a nice long walk instead.

But.

It's cold out.

My head still hurts a little bit almost all the time.

I wish I could have stayed in bed this morning.

I don't want to have to get a job.

I feel guilty for not going to church--again.

I'm lazy and don't really want to get bundled up and drive to a state park for my long walk.

And... I'm totally fucking unreasonably cranky. Like CRANKY.

What is wrong with me?

Sigh.

Minor Implosion

Sorry I'm late posting today... it's been a crazy day. Charlie and I finally got to sit down and work out the long-term overall finances and, well, it's not good. For a minute today we thought we were going to have to yank my mother-in-law out of her place in the next couple of weeks, but no, we don't. She has a few more months, but we have to start the process of applying for her to receive Medicaid and moving her in the early spring at the latest. Sigh.

I don't want to waste another post complaining about money, but suffice it to say that I am now actively applying for part-time and temp jobs and so is Charlie. Tori is probably coming out of Morning Care next month, and we will be trying to balance her care, my mother-in-law's care, and two partly working parents (and still freelancing parents) while we do it. I am not happy, but, it's the reality of this current economy--both the nation's and this family's.

Sigh. It feels like this happened so fast, but I know it's been coming for months. So, I'm going to keep this short, but if you feel like sending prayers or good thoughts our way (I know, you always do) I'd appreciate it. Maybe with your help the universe will shift and we'll end up on our feet. :) Thanks.

Local Politics, or, I'm too tired to be clever

For the third night in a row, I did not get enough sleep. Like, four hours or less of sleep. As a result, I am feeling bushed and, well, stupid.

But I hate to have a day without a post, so I thought I would do something I've wanted to do for a while; talk about other elections and issues that will be important on Election Day. I mean, y'all know I'm voting for Obama and why. I don't need to tell you again. But you might not know that I also plan to vote again for Joe Sestak, our local congressman that Tori met on her second fourth of July, and that he gazed at Tori like only a man who lost a five-year-old daughter would. You might not know I'm excited about voting for Kevin Lee, a gay man and former nurse that is now running as a Democrat for State Senate against a highly entrenched Republican and lives around the corner from me.

You also don't know that I am woefully uneducated about any other local issues that might come up on my ballot. I will educate myself between now and then--I always do--but sadly, I tackle local stuff last. I know, it's a shaky reverse pyramid, but it's me.

So. I thought maybe today you could use the comment section to mention any local issue or person you are planning to vote for, and argue your case for that issue/person. I've already spoken about Prop 8 in California; if you live in California maybe you should read this post by Lesbian Dad about why it matters to her family. Sadly, legal gay marriage is a long way off in my state so it won't be on the ballot here.

I'm very interested in what you all have to say. Perhaps you'll educate me too. :) Now, off to sneak in a nap...

10 Things I Do Not Want To Focus On Today

1. First of all, I am NOT focusing on how immensely angry my daughter is at me and her Daddy for "making" her spend the night at Sarah's on Saturday night for her very first overnight away while her parents enjoyed some quiet time together to both celebrate their 12th wedding anniversary (a week late) and mourn the loss of their sons. I am certainly not going to dwell on how singularly awful Tori was all day yesterday after we picked her up including fun things like refusing to eat even though she was clearly starving, nearly running into the street, running down a hill into a group of playing dogs, running away at the playground into danger, and furiously knocking over a large soda at dinner. I'm also going to let go of the screaming, crying fit she went off to daycare in today because she wanted to zip up her coat and couldn't do it and wouldn't let her daddy help her.

2. I am also going to avoid the fact that I am still feeling immensely tired and didn't sleep much last night, and the fact that I didn't sleep much the night before that when the baby was away. I will also not confess to going into my daughter's empty room at three in the morning the night she was away and hugging her Winnie the Pooh bear for ten minutes. I am NOT TIRED. Nope.

3. Today I am blithely ignoring the whole fucking "Obama is going to redistribute the wealth" bullshit.  I am also going to ignore both the commercials and the people that say stupid shit like, "I work really hard and Obama is going to take my money and give it away?" Because then I might want to insist that people GROW SOME FUCKING COMPASSION ALREADY. And then I'd have to remind them that before Kennedy? Their tax rate was about 90%, so by that standard Obama's plan looks pretty fucking good. And I certainly do not want to get into a discussion about how Obama's tax plan is merely going to help pay back the horrendous half a trillion dollars we borrowed (from folks like the Chinese) to pay for the war in Iraq (a war that has cost us about $3 Trillion so far), since we are currently fighting a two-front war and for the first time in history DID NOT RAISE TAXES TO PAY FOR IT. Because then I'd have to get angry at the whole OH MY GOD DON'T TAX MEEEEEEEEE attitude that plagues this nation's rich people.

4. Um, I'm also going to ignore the fact that I quite possibly have a bit of PMS combined with grief that is making me a bit, shall we say, prickly.

5. I am not focusing on baseball, because I hate sports. No, I really do. But I might, perhaps, be a wee bit excited if tonight a certain local team called the Phillies wins a little something called The World Series.

6. I am also going to continue to ignore Sarah Palin. I don't really care much, honestly, about the $150,000 spent on her clothes (I mean, COME ON, John McCain wears $500 shoes after all even if I don't believe that her seven year old daughter needed a $700 purse. After all, that entire wardrobe for a whole family has got nothing on Cindy McCain's $313,100 OUTFIT at the convention. However, I may spend another few minutes giggling about the whole "Obama is ELITIST" irony, especially when you look at Obama's shoes.

7. I am also absolutely not going to chuckle about stories of Ms. Palin going rogue, which is just what the paternalistic McCain campaign deserves because OH MY GOD! She can think for herself! Whatever shall they do?

8. I am not going to think about the fact that I am working on cutting back on my eating of sweets, and so is Charlie, and that Friday is Halloween and there will candy about. Nope, not going to drool think about it.

9. I am certainly not going to focus on the work I have to do today, nor shall I spend much time dwelling on how thoroughly unexcited I am. I might, however, spend a moment thinking about the vast amount of work I've already done so far on this project and how little I am getting paid.

10. Lastly, I am NOT going to succumb to the absolute lust I have for the new Google Phone (the lust formerly devoted to the iPhone) nor will I quietly sob in a corner about the fact that I don't have the money to buy one. I will instead focus on the perfectly functional phone I currently have, even if it is a bit bent thanks to a certain two year old repeatedly flinging it across the room. However, if Google or t-Mobile decides that they would, say, like me to review said phone, I'd be happy to oblige. Ahem.

...

What are YOU not focusing on today?

Voter Intimidation

Dudes. I am TIRED. BlogHer DC done wore me out. OK, maybe it was the whole not sleeping the night before, or the long drive home after a full day, or the whole missing-Tori-so-much-I-ached, and not the eight hours of the conference itself. But whatever. TIRED, TIRED, TIRED.

But it's Tuesday! And I should post!

First, a short wrap-up of BlogHer DC. It was, as per usual (heh--cause I've been to TWO WHOLE EVENTS), beautifully organized, smartly set up, and educational. Plus the food ROCKED (seriously, best fish I've ever eaten was served at lunch). There were two tracks for sessions: beginning blogging, and using blogging to build community and change the world. Sadly, neither track really hit me where I lived; I feel like we already have a pretty awesome community here and I don't want to get MORE political (kind of feel like I've got that covered). But I still got a lot out of it, and I loved meeting other bloggers. Also, interestingly, there were far more women of color at this event than at the national one. Which rocked. Plus, LESLEY STAHL in the closing keynote. She was awesome (she blew me away when she said she would never have believed, back in 1972 when she got hired to do TV news, that in 2008 we'd STILL be discussing the glass ceiling and awaiting the first female President). I had a great time. Also, they will be announcing the city for 2009 by the end of the month. Go PHILLY!

Man, I just proofread that paragraph and realized I missed lots of words. Sigh. TIRED.

Anyway, moving on to what I mentioned in the title of the post. Voter intimidation. Yep, it's happening. Here in Philadelphia, an anonymous flier was distributed at colleges and poor neighborhoods saying that if you show up to vote, officials will be laying in wait for anyone with a foreclosure, parking tickets, or a warrant. I wonder who could be behind such an insidious flier? Let's see... they targeted college students and poor people who tend to vote... right. For the Democrats.

No, I'm not saying it was designed and handed out by the local Republican party. But with Obama's campaign having to file suit to prevent the Republican party in Michigan from using records of foreclosure to prevent people from voting, or the fact that the Supreme Court said that in fact states CAN require photo ID to vote, I do find myself beginning to wonder.

How about you? Has there been any efforts like these to intimidate voters in your state? I'd love to hear from Republicans that have also been harassed in this way. Do tell. I'll go nap, and read all about it when I get up. Heh.

Debate, Sickness, Random... yawn.

Ug. I have the weirdest cold-thing from Tori; my tonsils are huge and swollen (like, twice their normal size) and my mouth is constantly dry, plus sneezing/coughing (seriously, am I sick more often than you are? Is it Tori's daycare's fault? Cause I'm going a bit nuts here). Not really bad enough to knock me down, until you add a migraine to the mix--yeah! All of this means that I'm feeling totally cranky and icky AND for the first time in forever I wasn't with Sarah when she got her 13-years-sober coin at a meeting today. Congratulations, Sarah! I'm very proud of you. And how appropriate that it should fall on Yom Kippur. You know, in a way. I wish those of you observing Yom Kippur a good fast.

Anyway.

So, my thoughts on the last presidential candidate debate. Well, first and foremost, I can't believe we have YET ANOTHER ONE of those next week. Secondly, I'm mad it fucked up my shows. The last thing I wanted to do that night was think deeply about politics. I really just wanted to lose myself in fictional TV. Wait--the debate totally made that possible! Both candidates were vague and quippy, as usual, in that way that politicians have to be in this day and age.

Mostly, though, I felt kind of badly for McCain. I know, I know. His camp was just counting on the town hall format to be his forte, and while I bet he connects really well in person at those things, it just did NOT translate well to television. Plus, he doesn't usually DEBATE at those town hall things, and those town hall meetings he loves are filled with folks that overall support him. So instead of coming across as direct and clear, as he hoped, he looked rather doddering wandering about the stage like that (in a normal town hall setting that would be viewed as trying to reach everyone, but on TV it just looked weird). His "my friends" thing drove me NUTS, and yeah, I do think he misstepped in a big way when he said "that one." I also felt his assumption that the young African-American man had never heard of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was, frankly, racist. Overall, I felt condescended to by McCain through the whole debate--but then, I don't like him, so I would, right?

Now, Obama didn't wow me much either except in two ways: it's clear that he has studied economics and knows more about it than I do. GOOD. Secondly, his story about his mom dying of cancer and having to worry about medical bills reassured me greatly that he GETS IT when it comes to the health care crisis. I mean, even my dear friend Jo who is doing a bunch of early intervention stuff with her son with ADHD is being KILLED by her co-pays--and that is WITH insurance. This is what people aren't talking about with the health care crisis--that even with insurance, a lot of us aren't making it through.

So that is my impression of the debate. As usual, I have to say that I didn't believe that debate would changing anyone's mind, but I do know at least one person it did. How about you guys? Did it change your mind?

One thing I've learned, though--I've been loving using Twitter during the debates because it's like being at a huge debate party without having to worry about hearing the debate over everyone's conversations. But I do need to reel it in a bit, and practice the same consideration for other's views on Twitter that I try to practice here. I've been harsh in my twits and as a result, some folks I really care about have chosen to "unfollow me" for the political season. As fired up as I am, and as angry as I get sometimes, I still need to practice kindness--even on Twitter. Or possibly even MORE so; the instant nature of Twitter makes it easy to say things I later wish I hadn't.

Damn it, I had something else to say. Oh! Dinner on Sunday night in Bethesda. Just a reminder--it's at 6:30pm at the Austin Grill in Bethesda. It looks like about ten people are coming (including a certain famous blogger if she doesn't go and have her baby before then). I've made a reservation for 12 people, just in case you haven't confirmed with me yet. And I will happily add more to the reservation if you can make it. Cause I want to see y'all. I really do. Just know this: I am both MUCH SHORTER and MUCH ROUNDER than you expect. Especially the short thing. You should have seen the shocked faces at BlogHer. I'm 5' 2", people (but I have a tall personality--no, seriously, I do). THAT IS SHORT. So when you are standing in the lobby of the Austin Grill looking for the fat girl with the red hair with a blond streak on the front and tattoos, you are probably looking right over my head. Sarah (who will also be there, of course) towers over me, so look for her instead. Heh. And, NO, I do not take kindly to having tall people rest their arms on my head (DAVE).

Anyway, if you want to come and haven't already said so, just post a comment or email me (if that link isn't working, it's cecilyk@gmail.com). I'm super psyched.

That is all for today. What should I blog about tomorrow?

Oh! One last quick note. Apparently, Sarah Palin is going to be dropping the puck at the Flyer's opening game on Saturday night. The Flyers are hosting an "ultimate hockey mom" contest, hence Palin being there.

I do not think it will go well for her.

Philadelphia is the city where the sports fans have been known to throw things at their own team--when they WIN. So... Yeah. In this highly democratic city (seriously, it's like 85%) I don't think she'll escape booing. Which I feel both gleeful about, and mildly ashamed. I love my city. :)

Announcements & Link Love

My brain is fried from entering 400 various camps and classes for kids into an excel spreadsheet for the past two days. Why on earth would I do such a thing? Well, I'm glad you asked!

*drum roll please*

Presenting: Cecily, the new editor of Savvy Source Philadelphia! You'll notice there's no link there. Yeah, sorry about that. The Philadelphia section hasn't launched yet, but will soon. Meanwhile check out the main site and the parenting blog and see if there is a page for your city. Pretty cool, eh?

And yes, they are paying me. Not a lot, but enough. Thank GOD. No, they are not the client I was talking about; that's a totally different thing and guess what? I got ANOTHER one. So that makes three freelance projects I got going on plus this blog. Sadly, that means I did have to say goodbye to Type-A Mom. I'll really miss the folks there and writing about mommy blogging, but I have to make my time=money these days. Sigh. Thanks, though, to Kelby for giving me the chance and the exposure.

I may never sleep again, but in this economy, I'm one lucky motherfucking mama.

OH! And I wanted to remind everyone that I am going to BlogHer Reach Out in Washington, DC (ok, it's actually in Bethesda, MD) on October 13 (Columbus Day). The awesome Dara was kind enough to hook me up with a hotel room again (you rock, Dara!) and Sarah and I will be arriving Sunday afternoon (what, you'd thought I'd go without her?). So I'm going to follow Moxie's lead (she just held a Philly meet-up and I totally hogged her by giving her a ride and making her eat lunch with me) and ask if anyone wants to get together with Sarah and I for dinner on Sunday night. Extra bonus--I might be able to get Melissa of Stirrup Queens to come too. Cause I rock like that. :) Just leave a comment or if you'd rather stay anonymous email me about it!

So that's all good. But because I'm so burned out from doing all this data entry, I'm afraid I'm being a total blog bitch and posting another lame post with links. But here are some of my favorite links from the last couple of days. Forgive me, and enjoy them.

This is a video clip of Obama hugging babies on the campaign trail. It made me cry. What I love about it is that he actually LOOKS at the babies, and at least in one case (watch for it), has to actually be REMINDED about the photo op. But it's the images of little black boys looking up at him that just made me weep. Talk about a role model. Thanks to Misty for the link, and I am now officially an Obama Girl.

This is a clip from Katie Couric's interview with both McCain and Palin. Doesn't McCain act like the father of a kid that got in trouble for reckless driving? And what the fuck is "GOTCHA" Journalism? If you didn't fucking say it, the journalists won't GET it. And that goes for both sides.

This is the clip of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's satiric take on the Couric/Palin interview. I have a major girl crush on both of these women now (and I mean Tina and Amy, which you knew, right?). Can you guess my favorite part?

That is all for today. I'm working on something about the non-bailout bailout. Heh.

Shaking It Off

Goodness. I don't know how people who don't have blogs survive this shit. The love that came pouring my way yesterday made me feel so much better--thank you. It's funny how grief comes in waves, isn't it? I realized I'd been fighting feeling grief for days and days and I forget sometimes how much easier it is if I just allow myself to FEEL it.

Today, the shadow has receded a bit, and I feel like I can go on. Bless you all.

___________________________________________

Looks like I got another freelance client. I will know for sure Monday morning. Promise to share details with you then. All I will say now is, THANK GOD. I was really scared for a bit there.
___________________________________________

I heard an interesting piece on NPR yesterday about the fact that when you compare their economic plans, Obama actually looks MORE like a fiscal conservative than McCain. Interesting, no? Give it a listen (scroll down to "candidates economic plan"). My favorite part? How McCain would give someone making $6 MILLION a year a $200,000 tax break. That's four times what most American families make in a YEAR. As a TAX BREAK. Cause they soooo need it. Right. (Obama would require they instead pay $500,000 in additional taxes, while giving everyone who makes less that $250K--you know, almost everyone--a tax BREAK).

On other "Cecily is mean to the Republicans" news, Sarah Palin and her husband have decided to NOT participate in the investigation into what news folks have dubbed "Troopergate." Her husband is even refusing a subpoena. The investigation, begun long before Sarah Palin was tapped to be McCain's running mate, is suddenly "partisan" and somehow, Obama's fault. Perhaps I'm biased here as a Democrat, but, does anyone think this is a good idea for her politically? Because I hear "refuse to cooperate" as "something to hide." That seems like a bad political choice to me.
___________________________________________

Here's a question for you all: why can't I find a class or activity to distract Tori between her nap and dinner? There is literally NO event for a kid Tori's age in my area between 3 and 6 PM. Tori is so physical, and so energetic, that she needs TWO activities a day to keep her content and a good sleeper. Mornings are filled with morning care during the week (weekends we do playground or other events), and I would dearly love to sign her up for an afternoon tumble or dance class but they do not exist for her age group except in the mornings (and if I'm ever going to get any work done, she has to be at daycare a few hours a week).

I have two theories: one, most people have more than one kid and that afternoon time is filled with homework, etc, and parents can't get out in the afternoons. The other, well--it's not really a theory. It's the idea that the world is full of quiet, adorable toddlers that are content to play with toys/read books/draw without driving their parents insane by bursting out all over with ENERGY THAT MUST BE LET OUT.

We take her to the playground, and that helps, but after school now is the time the big kids are all at the playground and it's not very safe for her, frankly (she is so over the preschool-age playground, by the way--she prefers the big kid stuff). So we go for walks, some days I take her to the pool at the Y (but that is a major undertaking I cannot do every day, nor is the pool always available for public swimming). Sigh.

Why isn't the universe configured perfectly for me and my kid? Why oh why?

Another way we wear her out is by playing ball with her--really a modified version of soccer, using a smallish beach ball. She'll do this for 45 minutes straight. I'm posting some video proof; my favorite moment comes around 1:15 when she does a "matrix" move with her right leg. But she's unbelievably adorable here, so enjoy. And have a nice weekend.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I'm feeling kind of blogging burned out. I don't want to write any more about politics (is that a large sigh of relief I hear?) so I feel stumped about alternative topics. So permit me to just meander around a bit here and y'all can get a glimpse inside my fucked up brain.

First up: I have a weird lump on my hand (on the inside base of my thumb, if that makes sense) that my doctor isn't worried about but I have to go see a hand doctor now and I'm in the middle of changing insurance companies so that's not gonna be fun (the lump is probably one of these, or maybe one of these--neither of which are anything to worry about). Getting old fucking SUCKS. I wouldn't even worry about it at all but DUDES--what if it interferes with my typing?

Secondly, thanks for all the suggestions about Tori's daycare. I think that everyone was right--heh. I am going to give it a bit longer; after all, she's only been back three days and I am sure that no actual abuse is happening. I will trust my gut if the problem continues. But today I walked to pick Tori up and got there a bit early so I could observe, and Tori was having a great time dancing and singing as they did music stuff. So we'll wait and see for now.

Next up... hmmm. Oh, I'm just starting on my upswing into my normal body hating/considering dieting cycle. But I won't write about it because, seriously, how many times do I have to write about that before I actually change something? I am exercising a bit more, and trying to cook more healthy food. But when I look at photos of me from before starting fertility treatments, I get really depressed. Sigh.

One fun thing: Moxie is planning a Philly area get together! I will be there, as will Tori (and probably Charlie) so if you can come, please do!

I have a whole list of things I SHOULD post about, like the fall TV season, and how cute Tori has been. But seriously, I am feeling too blah. The work situation has got me down. My weight has got me down. The end of summer has got me down. Politics has got me down. I'm not depressed, particularly. I just want to curl up in a corner and disappear into a book.

Oh my God, this has become the most boring post EVER.

Anyway, how about this: I need suggestions about where to shop for Tori. She has grown out of ALL her fall and winter gear, as well as her shoes. What we need to isn't really available--I need clothes for 2.5T. She's a bit too big for 2T (especially at Tar-jay), but too small for 3T. Not a problem in summer, but pants are going to be a challenge if they are all too long because NO I do not sew in any way. We plan to hit thrift stores, but I haven't been finding that to really be a money saver (around here all the used stuff at thrift stores costs the same as the new stuff at Tar-jay). So what do you recommend? Do you know any clothing places that sell half-sizes that young (and won't break our non-existent bank)? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. :) And I apologize for being SO FUCKING DULL. Gah.

Coping Skills

Yesterday, for the first time since BlogHer in July, I missed posting on a weekday.

Today, Tori is at Morning Care, meaning that for the first time since Mid-May I am in my house without Tori. Last night Tori was up 18 times between one and four AM, and my poor husband is having stomach trouble and is now, at 9:30, still in bed. Meaning I am alone on the first floor.

*Takes several deep breaths*

So I missed posting because I was morose. I was morose because, at long last, after plenty of evidence it was coming, my contact at my main freelance gig is leaving the company. Typical story: his company merged, his department was absorbed, and my promise of work until the end of the year is up in the air.

I haven't had a chance yet to speak with the person taking over his job (I wanted to let that person have a moment to breathe before I call up and say, "Hey! I'm the writer! Give me work!"), so it may be fine. But as many of you have experienced, the new company rarely keeps the hangers-on of the old.

I got this news on Monday, and on Monday I was fine. Monday I was worried about Charlie. Charlie is the money man in this house (not because I can't do money managing, but because I don't like it. I run the rest of our lives. Heh), so I knew he was going to be a bit freaked out by the news.

He was, a bit, and in one of those typical moments where men handle things differently than women, the conversation didn't exactly go well. I am an eternal optimist (usually) and Charlie is, well, not. He wanted to immediately plan every detail of the future, such as who would drop off Tori at morning care when I go off to the temp job I haven't even considered getting yet. I wanted to hold on for a bit (I have three weeks of work left with my client) and hope that one of the three solid potential clients I have on deck right now pulls through soon. The conversation ended with Charlie stomping upstairs (we were in my office in the basement) saying, "I just want to know where our next meal is coming from!" and me yelling, "FROM OUR FUCKING REFRIGERATOR!"

In other words, it went real well, the talk.

But yesterday was the day for me to feel hopeless. To succumb to the feelings of worthlessness, to feel stupid and pointless, and to think what a fucking idiot I was for leaving that really cushy job I had a year and a half ago (even though I now know that my talents were completely wasted at that job; well, not wasted. Underused.). I could barely answer email, much less put together a coherent post.

But I feel better today. I'm going to clean my house, go through Tori's toys and clothes and take them to my church's thrift store, and I'm going to call the new guy at the company. I'm going to continue to take the actions I've been taking to get new work, and continue to reach out and make connections so that I have more chances for work. I'm loving the direction my work is going in right now, I have to say. It's very exciting--albeit a bit scary too. New stuff always is.

As usual, thanks for spending time in my venting space. :)

_______________________________________________________

I think, rather than devote whole posts to politics over the coming weeks (groan) left in our Presidential campaign, I am going to instead just post a political thought for the day or two. Trying to keep it a bit lighter, don't you know.

Political Thoughts For The Day

1. First, off, I am happy to report (while cheerfully eating crow) that it appears Sarah Palin is not nearly as bad as we've been told. According to the fact checkers over at Newsweek.com, many of the nasty things being said about Ms. Palin in various emails are NOT TRUE. She's still prolife, however. That's enough for me to not vote for her right there, plus there are elements in the book banning story that are true. I want politicians in office that would react with horror at the prospect of book banning, not ones that think the question "Would you ban books if I asked?" is a great loyalty test. Anyway, I find myself slightly embarrassed to have something in common with the folks that still think Obama is a Muslim because an email told them so; I was taken in by a slime campaign, proving once again there are parts of myself I don't like much.

2. In a less forgiving spotlight on the Republican ticket, I really think anyone planning to vote for McCain (and those undecided) should take a look at these two clips The Daily Show put together: one shows how McCain's acceptance speech is very, very similar to George Bush's in 2000 (I see the hand of Karl Rove involved--doesn't start until the 4:30 mark, although the earlier part is very funny). The second one (and if you are only watching one, WATCH THIS ONE) showcases how John McCain has completely and utterly shunned his moderate, maverick past.

Post Holiday I-Didn't-Get-Any-Sleep Edition

For some reason, I did not get any sleep last night. I just couldn't get sleepy. But I read two books! Sigh. As a result, today I am rather befuddled but I don't want to let more time pass before I address some recent goings-on. So forgive yet another random list post.

1. I am in the process of trying to find out if there is a fund somewhere set up for that couple who had their wheelchair stolen. I will let you know as soon as I know something, but chances are they have already been given new wheelchairs by someone (we do live in a big city that has been known--occasionally--to have a big heart). But I'm not looking into helping them because of the anonymous commenter that said I should do something rather than expect the government to do it, or for the person that sent me the nasty email saying if I had my way those two individuals would have been aborted anyway and would not have been the "burden of the state." Holy fuck. Some people seriously don't understand CHOICE. God.

2. Um, I think that when I wrote Saturday's post I was feeling a bit, shall we say, sensitive. I realized that the comments weren't that bad that I'd reacted to (although the direct emails were) and I shouldn't have lashed out. I'm also happy to report that Tori's babysitter apparently reads the blog (gulp) and was very, very upset that she'd offended me and felt that she's poorly formed her request for more info and did not, in any way, feel like I'd made a mistake about the boys. Neither did her husband. I've accepted her apology.

3. Several folks have asked me here and on Twitter what I think about the whole Palin pregnancy mess. Ug. I think a lot of different things, but mostly I feel like it's not really my business. But because I do have opinions, and I do have a blog, well, here goes.

First off, Palin was being attacked for her mothering style right away. Even I had to pause for a moment when I heard about the plane ride with the leaking amniotic fluid (and being in labor, and insisting on giving a speech before going to the hospital) and the going back to work three days after her last child was born. But of course, as a feminist, I have to say that all of the above was her choice. Although I'll confess that I'd have the same response to a man (if men were capable of leaking amniotic fluid, that is). I did feel that it was pretty fucking weird that the attacks on Palin's mothering skills were coming from the left--who was saying she should be staying home--while the right was defending her position (even Phyllis Schlafly has no problem with any of Palin's mothering). Of course, if Palin were a democrat and on Obama's ticket, I'm sure the situation would be completely flipped. It's almost as if you trumpet the "right" family values the right gives you a pass as for how you actually treat your family. So that's one mess--one, by the way, that would have been much more believable if the baby hadn't had Down's Syndrome (fairly rare to have kids with Down's born to teenage moms. Not that it doesn't happen, but still).

Secondly, then there was that horrid, despicable and really fucking strange Daily Kos story about how Palin was actually her fifth child's grandmother, and she'd covered up her daughter's pregnancy (OK, the Daily Kos story seems to have been pulled; here's another version). There was much scrutiny of Palin and her daughter Bristol's abdomens in photos. Frankly, as far as I was concerned, this was further proof of the negative impression I have of the Daily Kos. As Jon Stewart would say, it kind of falls into the "you're not helping!" category of liberals. I found the whole thing creepy.

Thirdly, well, shit. Palin's daughter is pregnant, NOW. 17 years old and getting married. Well, that, frankly is none of our business. I'm sad for her, and I hope she will have good parental support. But I do feel some snark; I find it mildly amusing that it's a perfect example of the results of the abstinence-only education Palin so strongly supports.

But I have to wonder, as a mom--and yeah, here is where I get all fucking judgmental--why on earth she accepted the Vice-Presidential nomination knowing the scrutiny and humiliation her poor daughter was going to have to undergo. Having the pregnant Bristol hold her newborn brother wasn't going to keep it quiet forever. Yes, I realize my hypocrisy by choosing to speak about it here. I wonder what compels a woman--one that claims that her family matters more than anything--to choose to continually put her children at risk; while boarding a plane and flying against doctor's orders while pregnant, to returning to work rather than getting to know her newest child, or deciding it was fine to put her pregnant daughter on the political chopping block.

For me, it just means that while Palin talks the talk, she doesn't truly walk the walk. Frankly, I know gay couples that have shown more devotion to their children and upheld the "family values" that matter to this liberal freak. Feel free to disagree with me. I know some of you will. Heh.

Happy Labor Day, and proof I'm a commie

So, it's a holiday here in the US, yet I find myself posting. Since BlogHer I've developed a strong posting habit, and apparently I can't break it. It's still Monday, after all--even if no one is at work to read this. Heh.

First off, I saw this story on our local news the other day (which I hardly watch, mostly because it's so fucking depressing--after all, I don't really benefit from knowing how many people died by bullet and flame in my city, and that's all the news covers). Anyway, a nice young engaged couple were robbed of their motorized wheelchair. He has cerebral palsy, and she has spina bifida. They'd left their chair out in the backyard to charge, and someone stole it. They share the chair to go to school and work, since neither of them can stand for long.

So here's how you know I'm a communist:

1. Why the hell were they sharing a single wheelchair?
2. Why the hell don't they live in a house where they can bring said wheelchair inside?

And the big one...

3. Why isn't there some government agency that makes sure neither of the above happen?

Just in case you weren't sure how I felt.

......

If you are in Hurricane Gustav's path, well, you probably aren't reading this. But you are in my prayers.

......

Recently I've allowed Tori to play games on my laptop, so it was only inevitable that she would accidentally open the Photobooth feature and discover the delight of taking photos of herself. She's following quickly in her Godmother Sarah's footsteps. Here are some highlights of Tori's self-portraiture. Enjoy, and enjoy your holiday (we'll be celebrating the last day at the pool)!

Bullet-y

I am on full on baby duty today as it's Charlie's day off (he's downtown taking photos and enjoying himself, I hope. But as a result you are getting the short shrift again on the ol' blog (I'm trying really hard these days to do five posts a week that are interesting. Guess what? That takes WORK). But here is a list of things I wish I could discuss in more detail today. Some ask for feedback (please!). :)

1. Hillary's speech last night. Wow, was that a class act or what? Best speak of her career. Wish I'd live blogged it because so many things she said were so awesome. But I think she said it best when she said "Were you in just for me?" Meaning, of course, that if you voted for her it was not JUST for her but her policies--which are in line with Obama's. So if you are still mad about the primaries and thinking about either not voting or voting for McCain, remember what she said last night--"No way, no how, no McCain."

2. Sesame Street's new website (still in beta). We got a preview of this at BlogHer (you didn't think I noticed, did you, nice woman at the Sesame Street suite since I was so busy drooling over Grover), and it really is pretty awesome. Right this minute, in fact, I'm able to write this post because Tori is playing a game with Elmo (she just has to hit any key on the keyboard to play). Check it out. Warning: site may cause toddler to demand "Games!" all the time. Warning #2: Because the site's in beta, sometimes it doesn't quite function. Can cause toddler and parent to tear out hair.

3. We're having an issue with Tori hitting. Not only is she hitting us, but yesterday she picked up her toy computer and (god, this is so awful) full-on smacked the dog in the head with it. Not only that, it wasn't Hammer, The Best Dog Ever (TM) who has a head like a rock; it was one of Sarah's dogs who are much more fragile (Sarah and family are on vacation, so we're dog sitting). If the dog had bit Tori I would have been fully on the dog's side. I've emailed the wise one (Moxie) but I really don't know what to do. I've seen a lot of various ideas, including on Moxie's site, about giving her something that it's OK to hit when she's frustrated. But Tori doesn't just hit out of frustration; it's more a "let's see what this does" kind of thing. So what to do? I know she'll grow out of it, I would just like the rest of us who live with her to do it without being scarred for life. Also, when she hits me in the face, laughs, and then hits me again it's all I can do not to hit back. Which I hate myself for.

4. I'm continuing my struggle to find less expensive health insurance, and there are some actual possibilities that might work (joining the local Chamber of Commerce, for instance) but right now we're still struggling with the $300 increase (nearly $200 just for me, and Charlie and Tori's also experienced a small increase of $120) a month. So, I'm thinking of adding a banner ad here to defray the cost some. Would you hate me? I know they can be annoying.

5. One other Tori detail; the eating. Oh, the eating. Or, should I say, the lack thereof. She would live entirely on juice and cheese nips if we let her. Her number one phrase these days is , "No, I don't like it!" no matter what we offer. I know this happens with toddlers, and that they manage to survive, but still. We're considering cutting out some snacks (the juice, by the way, is 80% water already) to see if this will increase her meal time (i.e. protein) eating. What do you think?

OK. That's all I got. Looking forward to your feedback. :)

The Final Nail in the Mommy Blog Coffin

As requested, I'm posting a recipe. Sigh. I'm busy with other stuff today, so this is all you get from me. :)

Utterly and completely stolen from September's issue of Cooking Light Magazine, page 148. With my substitutions.

Ziti with Spinach, Cherry Tomatoes, and Gorgonzola Sauce

Total time: 40 minutes (I did it in 25)

4 oz uncooked ziti (I used pennetti)
1/2 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil (didn't have it, used canola)
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved (used plum tomatoes, chopped)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper (whatever, just shook some in there)
1 garlic clove, minced
6 tablespoons half-and-half
3 tablespoons Gorgonzola Cheese, crumbled
1 cup fresh spinach (I used baby)

Cook pasta according to direction, omitting salt and fat; drain.

Heat oil in large non-stick skillet (or the old one you have kicking around that no longer no-sticks) over medium heat. Add tomatoes, salt, crushed red pepper, and garlic to pan; cook one minute, stirring occasionally. Stir in half-and-half and Gorgonzola cheese; cook two minutes or until slightly thick, stirring constantly (or whenever you get the chance because a toddler is trying to climb onto the stove). Stir in spinach and pasta; cook one minute or until spinach wilts, tossing occasionally. Yield: two servings.

If you're me, you also take some of Trader Joe's pre-cooked grilled chicken breast and lay in attractively on top, until you trip over the dog getting it to the table and the chicken falls to the floor, at which point three dogs (because you're babysitting your BFF's dogs) all get it before you do and you have to go thaw more.

It's delicious. Enjoy.

The Pollen Center Of The Universe

...is apparently my nose. My fucking allergies have flared up in a big way, so I'm all befuddled from allergy pills--which means a boring post from me. But it includes video!

I have some links to post, but first, ALL HAIL SARAH! Yesterday Sarah completed her second year of her amazing photograph project. For TWO YEARS she took a daily self-portrait. It's been amazing to watch her grow as both a person and an artist. Go tell her congrats here, and view year two of the project here. I'm so proud of her!

First link: new post at Type-A Mom. Second link: been doing some ch-ch-ch changes at my professional site. Check it out, please, and tell me what you think. Next up to do there is a new design to reflect my "social media maven" role.

Lastly, a short video staring Tori blowing bubbles for Hammer, The Best Dog Ever™ while Alvin, our neighbor's six-month-old yorkie puppy desperately tries to get someone to pay attention to him (warning, he yaps. CONSTANTLY and he's here til Thursday). Oh, and now I must go, because life as I know it is over: my daughter just uttered the words "Mommy, watch me!" for the first time.  Sigh.

Tuesday: All Over The Place Post

I should be working. Charlie was kind enough to take Tori to the soaking wet playground so I could get some work done, but here I am, blogging. Again. :)

First off, I need to confess that I truly do not know of what I speak in that video. What I MEANT to say and what I said are miles apart (I blame the lack of sleep; yeah, that's it) so please forgive me for being so dead wrong. Babies are NOT always horribly injured when they are delivered early. They can be, and I know I've seen photos of such, but it is not always that way. So I am so sorry for being inaccurate.

So that's that.

Also, I realized I left a major thing out of my write up for Tori's 26 month letter. In the last month or so she's been trying on various emotions, but her favorite by far is "scared." She pretends to be scared of things all the time. It cracks me up. She announces that she is scared, and comes running over to be cuddled and protected. Mostly she's scared of dinosaurs, which is apparently a problem in our house. We appear to be infested with dinosaurs. Which is hilarious.

I'm also coming to realize that a lot of my mood these last few days is related to the food I've been eating. I've been alternating between utter fucking crap (no, seriously--crap crap crap) and healthier food that includes vegetables. I think it's contributing to my mood swings.

The problem about making sure we always have good food comes down to one thing and one thing only: I do not want to prepare it. I go through phases; when I first quit my job to work from home I was making food all the time. It was awesome. But that lasted, like, three months and I went right back to not wanting to mix or chop or bake anything.

Sigh.

I need to change this, because when I go too long eating unhealthy food thoughts of gastric bypass begin to dance in my head (I am opposed to getting a bypass, for me. Mostly because I don't know anyone that has sustained the weight loss for more than five years. Well, maybe one person. Plus, you know how I am with things like surgery. I don't exactly do well. I don't want to be a statistic anymore). Did you know the reason bypass patients lose weight is because they can only ingest 500 calories  a day? Do you know what they would call that without bypass? Anorexia. I'm just saying.

So, anyway, I know what I need to do is create a menu plan and actually do some advance prep so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. I've enlisted Charlie, so that I'm not doing it alone (hey! growth! I can't do it all myself! And I admit it!). So I could use y'all's help. :D

I need recipes and menu guidance. Here are my restrictions:

1. I do not own a crock pot, and I will probably never own a crock pot because Charlie thinks everything cooked in a crock pot is gross. Even stew. Yeah, really.

2. Charlie can't eat garlic or onions (he has bad reflux). I can, and love them both. Sigh.

3. Charlie mostly only likes chicken. Although he will eat Mexican flavored things (as long as they aren't too spicy, see reflux above. I love spicy).

4. Tori lives entirely on mac & cheese and chicken nuggets. With occasional apple slices and raisins. Things she will eat, however, if pressed: pizza and pasta, any kind.

5. Charlie doesn't like salads. I love them.

So. Um, help?

Monday Melancholy *edited*

Feh.

I'm not sure what's up with me today, but I have a major case of the blahs. I don't know why. I've been running on pure energy since I got home from BlogHer and doing a million things and I still have a million to do and suddenly I have hit a wall called FUCK IT.

Some of it is end-of-summer doldrums; we've got some oddly cool weather here already that feels very fall-like and makes me think summer is already over. Some of it is the fighting Charlie and I have been doing lately; it just feels like we are misfiring and not connecting at all some days. We've been working on it, but still. It blows.

I know I'm feeling overwhelmed about the election too. I also feel very, very frightened that Obama won't win and we'll be stuck with McCain. I know I should be writing posts about it; I want very much to write a post about how McCain doesn't deserve his "maverick" reputation, nor his moderate one (dudes, he is not even REMOTELY moderate--he's one of the strongest anti-choicers in the Senate). But again, FEH. I just can't seem to drum up the righteous indignation necessary for a good post. Maybe you guys can just take my word for it? Heh.

What the fuck. I hate days like this. I'm trailing off even on this post and not wanting to type more. I need some inspiration.

It's not all bad. Yesterday we had some seriously funky weather and were lucky enough to see a massive, full arch, double rainbow that lasted for over a half hour. It was Tori's first rainbow. It was incredible, and I loved it even though the rainbow was over a mall (my favorite rainbow of all time was seen from the top of a mountain, and it filled the valley so that we were level with the top of the arch). We had a lovely dinner out last night (a treat), just our family, and that was awesome too. I fell asleep in a good mood.

Maybe it's the Olympics? Seriously, I just cannot bring myself to care. Maybe it's the Russia/Georgia war. Maybe it's the fact that it's all just not that funny anymore. Sigh.

Charlie's having a hard time too. His birthday is on the 31st, and this year he turns 46, the age his father was when he died. It's making him extra angsty. This whole gettin' old thing sucks ass, you know? Sigh.

ARG.

I hate days like this. I probably should have just NOT posted. Because this post BLOWS. Will post again when brain has been shaken up and improved. :)

EDITED TO ADD:

Just finally found my iReport that I recorded at BlogHer. I don't really make that much sense toward the end there (I meant that mental distress would be inflicted on a mother forced to deliver a child, and I meant under 24 weeks too, not 30 weeks. Oh well). But here it is. Go record your own, and post a link in the comments!

Friday Again

Today Tori wanted to go for a walk and we ended walking to the next town over and going to a different playground than usual. Not too long after we got there a woman came in with her twin boys, boys about five months younger than Tori.

For just a second, as I watched the three of them play, I saw a very different life. One in which all three of my children were alive. The boys weren't the right age; Nicholas and Zachary would be older than Tori, of course. But still.

It was an awesome moment.

___________________________________

In more cheerful news, Charlie and I have convinced my mom to come babysit and are going to see a movie. Probably either Dark Knight (yes, we're the only folks in the world who haven't seen it) or Pineapple Express. Awesomeness.

I must go shower because I just realized I stink (which is actually unusual for me; must have been that weird ass detox drink I got at Whole Foods yesterday that tasted like crap and turned out to have .5% alcohol, which I realized AFTER I drank it. Grrrrr). But I'll leave you with this, a short video entry of Tori wearing the most awesome Pirate Princess dress she got from her Internet Auntie Leanna. This is my kind of princess. Please note the middle of the video where Tori says, "Arg!" like a pirate. Hee hee. Thank you Leanna! It is truly awesome.

Oh, one more thing: I always said there was something too slick about him. And now we know.

Messing With The Blog (and 100 things)

So you might notice little changes going on around here as I attempt to make my blog more "sticky." Meaning people will come and stay longer and come back again because of various little things. Sigh. I'm finding it somewhat annoying.

One of those things is the 100 Things About Me meme. Everyone says you should have it. I've avoided it like the plague, but, since I have nothing to write about today and am tired of getting really stupid marketing pitches from people I will go ahead and do it now. IF you actually bother to read it all, you will be rewarded with photos of me as a two-and-a-half year old and you can all marvel over how much Tori and I looked alike. And you can also wonder, as do I, where my giant nose came from because I used to have a very cute tiny nose, just like Tori (don't get me wrong--I love my nose. It's just weird).

100 Things About Me, the narcissistic blogger

1. I don't really like memes. Especially really fucking long ones, like this one.
2. I won't review your product, no matter how cool it is, if you don't bother to put my name in the email.
3. I love opera.
4. My love of opera is genetic, inherited from my maternal Grandfather.
5. My maternal grandfather's name was King. No, really.
6. I also love country music. Real, honest, country music. In other words, not any country music that is popular today (which I call either "bimbo country" or "if you frost your hair, you aren't really a macho country singer").
7. I also love folk music.
8. I also love classic rock. Including the bad stuff.
9. Like Journey.
10. I spent most of my childhood wanting to be a veterinarian.
11. I scared my mother by putting my hand down the throat of a choking dog when I was 8. I saved the dog.
12. My favorite toy for several years was a paper baby doll. When I lost the doll I cried bitterly for days, and when my mom bought me a new one, it was never the same and I never played with it.
13. I spent a great deal of my childhood alone.
14. I taught myself how to read before I was five.
15. Sesame Street, the Electric Company, and a grandmother who taught 1st grade helped me learn to read.
16. By five, I was able to read chapter books.
17. At six, I found school to be incredibly boring.
18. By ten, I quit bothering in school and just coasted, lost in my own head.
19. I read several books a week then.
20. I still read two or three books a week.
21. Plus about 200 blogs.
22. I'm kind of a speed reader.
23. When Sarah and I were first roommates, Sarah thought I only pretended to read books that fast. Sarah didn't actually like me very much. But now we're BFF.
24. Oh my god, I'm only at 24? Cheetos are my favorite food.
25. As a child, I even ate a friend's parrot's cheetos. They weren't very good.
26. In fact, I like all things artificially orange.
27. I love orange soda.
28. I love orange Popsicles.
29. I love mac and cheese. But only the orange kind.
30. I love orange sherbet.
31. I really, really hate this meme. Can I stop now?
32. My first pet was a german shepard named Hugo.
33. We put him down when I was 12 when he attacked the son of my mom's friend (who happens to be the woman I'm named after). I stopped the attack.
34. My name, Cecily, means blind. Isn't that AWESOME?
35. I love my name. Now.
36. When I was in elementary school, I was nicknamed Cricket by the girls at Girl Scout Camp (cause I read Cricket Magazine). I loved it.
37. In middle school, I "went" with a boy named Jeff. My friend Lisa went with a boy named Don. We saw, somewhere CJ + LD = Love and decided to call each other "CJ" and "LD".
38. No, really.
39. The summer I moved to Michigan, I met a boy named Jimbo at my uncle's place who I made call me CJ. He (and his mom) still call me CJ to this day, the rare times I hear from him.
40. If you are wondering how I watch so much TV and read so much, here's the secret: I read WHILE watching TV. Good shows I just read during the commercials.
41. I also read in bed before I fall asleep. I read about 80-100 pages an hour. I read for a least an hour before I fall asleep.
42. Also? I don't read anything anyone would call "literature". Mostly sci-fi and fantasy novels, many of which are classified as "young adult." Hey, some of the best fantasy novels are YA.
43. Whoo hoo! 43! My mom has brown eyes. Which surprises people.
44. It was my father who had these crazy big blue eyes. My sisters have them too. And so did my paternal grandmother.
45. My paternal grandparents stayed in touch with me throughout my childhood even though my father did not. I visited them every year in Carlsbad, NM.
46. My paternal grandmother had a huge pecan tree in their backyard. I was most impressed by this.
47. I am listening to opera while I type this. Earlier, I was listening to country music. The piece they are playing now is being sung by a soprano who has a voice like bells. It's an iTunes station.
48. I had my first taste of beer when I was six, when a bunch of us kids stole some mini-beers (do they still make those?) from the grown ups. I loved it right away.
49. I got drunk for the first time at my friend Stephanie's in 8th grade. I loved it right away.
50. I felt ten feet tall the first night I got drunk.
51. I'm really only 5'2".
52. No one ever thinks of me as short until they see me in person. Even then, they quickly forget.
53. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 13. It caused a massive drop in blood sugar and made me vomit a lot.
54. I didn't smoke pot again with any regularity until I was in my twenties, and then only because I had a pothead boyfriend. It still made me sick.
55. The first time I did a lot of cocaine I became obsessed with the coca-cola bottling factory and complained that they wouldn't give me a car (I was also very, very drunk). It also made my nose really stuffed up and I threatened to cut my nose off with a big kitchen knife. Charlie found this rather alarming and I then chased him around the house with the knife until he called 911.
56. I wasn't wearing any pants that night because I'd previously peed in them. And in my boots. I was still wearing no pants when the cops came.
57. I didn't do cocaine again for several years.
58. OK, maybe it was about a year.
59. Oops--that was actually the second time I did too much coke. The first time I slept with a guy named Jesse that I didn't actually like very much who was also the best friend of the guy I was dating that I did like. That went well.
60. Other than those few spotty drug episodes, most of my "gettin' high" career is around alcohol.
61. I drank pretty much every day from 13 to 27.
62. My severe drug use ran from about January of 1995 until December of 1995.
63. At first, it was just snorting coke with friends. That lasted until April of 1995.
64. Then I found out my roommates were snorting heroin. I was very angry.
65. And I was jealous.
66. In May of 1995, I snorted heroin for the first time. By June, I decided it was a lifestyle.
67. In July of 1995, I stole needles from the animal hospital I worked for and shot up for the first time with Sarah.
68. It got really, really crazy after that.
69. In December of 1995, on the 21st, I overdosed on IV cocaine.
70. I got sober the next day, and have stayed sober ever since. Sarah went into rehab about two months before that and is still sober as well.
71. October 19, 1996, Charlie and I got married.
72. We weren't sure if and when we'd have kids back then.
73. We'd already been together over three years when we got married.
74. We've now been together for over 15 years.
75. This means Charlie and I have been together since I was 24 years old.
76. Somehow, that seems crazy to me. 24 years old is so young! But I'd already lived three lifetimes by then.
77. I am grateful every single day that I am married to Charlie. Even when he drives me crazy.
78. ARG! Only 78? I hate this meme even more now.
79. When I first got sober, I got fake nails and painted them every single night. So I wouldn't think about using.
80. I think vampires are super hot.
81. I love reading urban contemporary vampire fiction. Even when it's classified as romance.
82. I tend to skip over the sex scenes, or read them very lightly when I read romance.
83. I don't know why, but after a while, the sex scenes all seem the same.
84. I also think werewolves are pretty sexy. All of the above applies to them as well.
85. I enjoy pornography occasionally. There is a marked shortage of vampire porn.
86. I am very sad that we are going to lose our babysitter in a few weeks, even though Tori will be in morning care after that.
87. I seem to still have a minor cold right now while I'm writing this. I only mention it because I am running out of things to say.
88. Good lord, this is the longest meme in history. I don't like it.
89. I love movies.
90. No, seriously, I really love movies. I would go, every day, by myself, quite happily and see everything that is put out.
91. Yes, even the horrible movies.
92. My favorite romantic movie of all time is True Romance.
93. Tied with Say Anything. Charlie, btw, is totally Lloyd Dobbler.
94. My favorite action/sci fi movie is Aliens.
95. I can't wait for Tori to be old enough to watch Aliens with me. Even if it's a remake with better effects. Although I'd miss Sigourney Weaver.
96. I'm almost done with this meme.
97. Sometimes I pick my nose. OK, I pick it a lot.
98. I am secretly irritated that everyone says my daughter looks just like my husband.
99. I worry that people say that just cause I'm so fat I've stopped looking like myself.
100. I want to lose about 100 pounds and see no chance of that happening anytime soon.

Yeah! Done. God, that was painful.

As promised, here are the photos!

Just to compare:

I see Charlie in there, but still. Damn she looks like me. :)

Friday Migraine Linky Links

I'm tired, my head hurts, but I still! must! blog! (Wow, BlogHer has really drilled into me, no?). Thought maybe I'd just share some of my favorite links today. Because THAT IS FASCINATING. Right?

1. This photographer led the panel at BlogHer about body image. I developed a big girl-crush on her (I have a thing for older women who shave their heads) and I ended up buying this book from her which is seriously raising my self-esteem because the women in the book are beautiful, and they look like me. I also really liked the fact that although she's clearly a feminist, she reminded us at the panel that it was not only girls that suffer body image issues. Classy.

2. Chilling article about trolls. To totally copy Sweetney (who tweeted the link, thanks), the guy pictured looks exactly like what you'd expect trolls to look like, no? Read all the way through. If you have a blog, this article is SCARY.

3. My friend Tracy has a new blog of her paintings that are currently showing and for sale. My entire downstairs has become a bit of a Tracy museum because I am THAT IN LOVE with her work. Every time she posts another photo of a painting I swear I actually drool.

4. Because of my renewed focus on my work, I am paying closer attention to things, such as the label Mommy Blogger. Even though I write a column about Mommy Blogging for Type-A Mom, I dislike the term. I mean, parenting is only about a quarter of what I write about but if anyone were to classify my blog they would say "Mommy Blogger!" It irks me. Yet, at the same time, I do believe that parenting in itself is inherently political and imperative, and so I let the mantle of that name rest awkwardly on my shoulders. Anyway, Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer blogs about the name Mommy Blogging.

5. I can't think of a fifth one cause I haven't had time to read blogs this week. All of the above links are from Twitter, (except for Tracy's). Because Twitter is sucking my soul right out of my body, and along with it, all of my time. So I'm going to close with video of Tori trying to catch a fly while proclaiming her love for Chuck E. Cheese (man, it was SUCH a mistake taking her there) and also a bit of dancing at last night's concert. Heh.

*Sheepish*

I love how wonderfully kind and gentle you all were in pointing out my incredible hypocrisy.

If Tori was a BOY going through a Princess phase, it would be all good. Progressive, even. Much like I remember the excitement in our commune when I was a kid when one of the boys asked for a doll. When we girls asked for a doll, we were dismissed. I almost made the same mistake.

Just for the record, Charlie and I did NOT express to Tori our "horror" about the princess