Uppercase Woman

Dilemma

So, my period is nearly two weeks late at this point. Today my boobs hurt and I felt some nausea at the end of the day.

Yeah.

No, I haven't taken a pregnancy test. I will probably pick one up tomorrow. Why have I waited? Because COME ON. There are about a million reasons why I couldn't be pregnant (or, perhaps, several million missing reasons why, since male factor was the primary cause of our infertility. One of those reasons is the rarity with which Charlie and I engage, ahem, in "the act" that causes pregnancy. (Don't feel too sorry for him, we engage in plenty of other fun things). Another is the fact that we were told that Charlie's sperm are actually coated with an antibody that prohibits them from penetrating the egg. Then there's the whole unprotected sex for six years with no spontaneous pregnancies.

In other words, it's extremely fucking unlikely.

And guess what? I hope that I am NOT pregnant.

Hard to believe, after working so hard for so many years to have a baby. I know I joke about it, but all kidding aside, I would not be totally opposed to having a second child. Not at all. I dreamed about having a second baby all through Tori's first year of life, about how awesome it would be to have two, to not raise her as an only child. But even so, I do not want to be pregnant now. Not because I don't want a child. Nope.

So, what's the reason? I don't want to fucking die.

Before we discuss the risk to me, let's talk about the risk to the baby. I've been taking medication for my migraines that is seriously contraindicated in pregnancy. Then there is the fact that I'm now over 40, and my eggs are probably crap at this point. So the baby could be in bad shape for a lot of reasons (you know, if there was a baby. Which there isn't. We hope.).

But worst of all is my risk factors. If it was just the Preeclampsia (JUST!), it might be feasible. But combine a history of preeclampsia (with both pregnancies, remember, although unlike with the twins with Tori it was very mild) with placenta abruption, and you've got a messy fucking cocktail of crap.

In other words, the chances of my having a successful healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy baby are pretty fucking tiny. Which means, were I actually pregnant now, I'd have to make a choice. Do I press forward and hope for the best? Or do I do the sane thing--the thing the doctors would tell me to do--and terminate the pregnancy?

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating the situation. Maybe you've forgotten the doctors that visited me after the twins were born and suggested I immediately get my tubes tied. And that was just after the twins! After Tori, I got loads of crap about how I should NEVER. GET. PREGNANT. AGAIN.

God willing, the metformin is just fucking with my cycle and my period will come along soon enough (most likely? At BlogHer). God willing, I will not be put in the position to choose.

Because honestly, I do not know what I would do. I really don't.

But wouldn't it be JUST LIKE GOD to put me in that position?

On Being An Only Child

My earliest memory is from when I was 18 months old. I was napping in my crib when an arrow (just a normal kid's archery set type arrow) came through the window above me. I remember the glass flying through the air and landing on me, and I remember my mother running into the bedroom completely horrified and only half awake (she was taking her own nap). It turned out that some neighborhood kids were playing outside, and had a slight misfire with a new archery set.

No harm was done, but when I got older, I remember thinking that sort of thing must happen to kids who have older siblings all the time--the older kids being reckless and somewhat dangerous (especially if they were boys), and putting their younger siblings in jeopardy.

Kim and Birdie asked about my being an only child. I wrote a bit about it when I reviewed a book of essays by only children, but I'm happy to elaborate. My mother was only 19 years old when I was born, and my father left us both when I was not quite two years old. When I got to be about five years old or so, I would often ask my mother for a sibling--most often a younger brother (ironically, my father went ahead and gave me a little brother, but I didn't meet him until I was 23). She would always laugh and say, "Better start looking for another star in the East!" She didn't date much (not at all that I knew--it wasn't until I was much older that I realized some of her male "friends" were also probably lovers), and she didn't remarry until she was no longer interested in having other children (if she ever was; I don't actually know).

I often hear people worrying that only children are lonely; I was, I suppose, but not really. First and foremost, I had books. The way I read books is to disappear entirely into them (which explains my obsession with fantasy novels), almost becoming one of the characters. I devoured books, going to the public library weekly with my mother and checking out big stacks (still do). I read everything we had in the house; I vividly remember being home sick in middle school and reading Catch 22 and Slaughterhouse Five both in one day. I read things that many would probably consider completely inappropriate for someone my age (my mom didn't believe in censoring me). I read it even if I didn't understand it (Miss Lonelyhearts is a great example of a book I read and totally didn't get).

When I was five, my mom and I moved into what I like to call "the commune" (because that makes me cooler, I guess); a communal living situation with other single moms with only children. It was probably the closest I ever came to knowing what living with siblings was like. There were four of us kids--two girls, and two boys--with the other girl being the oldest and the two boys being the same age as the youngest. Frankly, I hated it. Sure, I had friends to play with. But the oldest girl often created factions in us youngsters, and you never knew day-by-day where you stood. Sometimes I was her favorite, and sometimes she wouldn't even speak to me. It was awful. It never occurred to me to tell my mom about stuff like that--the sort of thing that having siblings might have trained me for, I guess.

We only lived in that house for six months or so, although when we moved out all of us stayed in the same neighborhood, within a few blocks of each other (for a couple years, anyway). I ended up going to the same school as the oldest girl, although she was a grade ahead of me. For a while, anyway; I got bumped up a grade thanks to my excellent reading skills (meaning I did 1st and 2nd grade in one year), and she was FURIOUS when I ended up in the same classroom with her. Luckily, my mom put me in a different school for 3rd grade.

But I did have other friends, good friends, that I played with and loved. Plus I had my imaginary friends--legions of them--and we did so many amazing things. Huge, crazy, all day adventures sometimes. I remember having those friends well into middle school; I can distinctly remember hanging out on our patio at the last place we lived in Albuquerque, sitting on the air conditioning unit have lengthly conversations with my imaginary friends. I was 13. Sadly, when we moved to Michigan and I started high school, the imaginary friends just disappeared from my life. I can't even remember their names now, which makes me kind of sad.

I've said this before, but being an only child didn't effect me nearly as much as being a poor child did. Not having health insurance, eating pinto beans for dinner several times a week, having meat be a treat --that all had a much bigger impact on my than not having siblings did. One of favorite birthdays came the year my mom gave me a bottle of Suave Strawberry shampoo and a gallon of whole milk as my presents (we normally drank Carnation powdered milk). By poor, I mean POOR. If I'd had siblings, well--things would have just been harder.

Because my mother worked and went to school, I wasn't spoiled or smothered or anything like that--just the opposite, in fact. I spent a great deal of time alone, and was a typical "latchkey" kid (as they called us in those days). I rode the city bus by myself, walked myself to the bus stop alone, all by the age of seven or eight. I was very independent.

Funny, but that will the total opposite experience that Tori will have growing up, even though Tori will also be an only child. We have officially donated our remaining embryos to Harvard for stem cell research. I will not be getting pregnant again, and I won't be using a surrogate to have another child. Tori will be it. We've toyed with the idea of fostering kids, but if we do that it won't be until Tori is much older.

Tori is going to grow up with two parents, both working from home (god willing!). She will probably not walk to a bus stop or ride the bus alone until she's well into high school. She is much more likely to feel smothered by us than I was by my mom growing up--and I don't care. I'm quite happy about that fact.

It will also be the opposite of Charlie's only child experience. Weird that we married each other, isn't it? Charlie had an older sister (Tori is named after her) but she only lived for a few days because Charlie's mom took thalidomide while she was pregnant and Victoria was very deformed. So Charlie grew up alone, but his childhood was quite a bit different than mine.

Charlie grew up distinctly middle class, in an urban setting (back and forth between Philadelphia and Manhattan). His mother stayed home with him, which you would think would be ideal, right? Sadly, Charlie's mom should have been a work-outside-the-home mother. She didn't love parenting, and in fact once Charlie turned two she began hitting and beating him with regularity. I imagine he would have preferred having a sibling to help deflect some of the abuse.

The one thing Charlie and I have in common as a result of our only child status, I believe, is the ability to be completely in our own heads. Which can be somewhat challenging when, say, we're arguing. Or talking. Or eating dinner. Sometimes we'll be so up in our own heads that we don't even hear each other. But who knows? Maybe we would have been like that if we had siblings, too. I don't know.

I don't know if my story (or Charlie's) offers any insight or comfort to those contemplating only having one child. We have no way of knowing, of course, how differently we would have turned out with siblings in the picture. But I have to believe that I am OK, and am a good person who is happy in her life--and being an only child contributed to that feeling of well being. I do not think that being an only child contributed to my being an alcoholic--most recovering drunks I know are NOT only children. Perhaps being an only child gave me my love of books and words, but chances are it was not having a television when I was growing up that did that for me. I do not know, exactly, what impact being an only had on my life. But I love the person I've become (most days) and I wouldn't change a thing. I am the sum of my experiences. And that's a good thing.

I do worry, a bit, about when it comes time to help take care of my mom. I will have to shoulder that burden alone--but it will only be my mom (obviously, since my dad has passed on). Charlie is struggling with that right now with his mom. Tori, of course, will have both of us to contend with--but I hope and trust that our society will make some good changes that will help support her when it comes time to deal with her old parents (hey, I can dream, can't I?).

I'm not quite sure how to wrap this up; I have no pithy saying or wisdom to offer to those that feel sad that they can't provide their child with a sibling. I hope anyone feeling that way can make peace with it; it's not such a bad thing, after all. Any other onlies out there that want to share some hope?

Mother's Day

It was Mother's Day again today. I woke up as I often do--with a splitting migraine. Charlie got up with Tori and I had a blissfully medicated extra hour of sleep, and then got up to make breakfast for a trailer full of people (I did have help, thanks to Sarah's daughter). Sarah, the other mother present, ended up doing the dishes.

Mostly what today was--and I am grateful for it--was NORMAL. It was simply another day.

Mother's Day is like navigating a field of  land mines for those going through infertility. I lived through at least four Mother's Day celebrations while trying to get pregnant. The worst one, of course, came three years ago after I'd lost the twins (oddly enough, when I went back to find what I'd written that year, I find that I was so busy buying and selling a house that I managed to stuff my feelings completely and I didn't write about it at all).

Last year on Mother's Day I was still full of bitterness, even though I had Tori. I'm not sure why, but I think while Tori was a baby I found myself feeling the loss of the boys so much more acutely than I do now, both because of the passage of time and the fact that I've never really been able to think of the boys as anything other than babies (if you know what I mean).

This year, though, I am so tired from chasing a toddler around that I find myself just feeling grateful that the only real thing I noticed about the day is that I didn't have to change a poopy diaper. Which is a pretty awesome Mother's Day present, after all.

Today was just a day. I paused several times today to hug Tori and thank her for making me her mother. But that's about it. I didn't honor or acknowledge the day otherwise (oh, ok, I called MY mother).

It's not that I've forgotten about the infertile years. Or that the scars from those years have faded in any way. But I no longer feel like the world is full of sharp and pointy edges that will snag my heart and rip it to pieces at any given moment.

And that has made this my favorite Mother's Day so far.

I hope some of you feel the same, and for those who still find the world sharp and pointy, I'm thinking about you. May you someday also enjoy a Mother's Day free of poopy diapers; but while you wait, I'll keep you in my heart and in my prayers. I hope today wasn't too awful for you.

Speaking to the Candidates About Choice On the Four Year Anniversary Of This Blog

Apparently, some folks who read this blog know some folks who know some folks and swear they can get this blog entry read by at least Obama, but I figured, why limit myself to just writing to Obama? I'm speaking to everyone who is running for President, including Ms. Clinton, and Mr. McCain (ok, maybe not Mr. Nader).

Why have I been appointed as someone to discuss the issue of choice? Because I'm the Internet Poster Girl For Partial Birth Abortion, that's why. It's not a title I'm proud of, but it's one I was saddled with a few years ago.

I'm not going to get into the whole story here. If you really want to read all about the harrowing details they start here. But you are all too busy running for president, so I'll give you the short version. In April of 2004 I was lucky enough to get pregnant with twin boys after undergoing in vitro treatment for male factor infertility (thanks to drugs my husband's mother took--DES, we suspect--while she was pregnant with him). We were on top of the world, although the pregnancy was difficult.

But a routine ultrasound on October 26--meant to be a time of great joy (my best friend came with us to the appointment--revealed terrible news: one of the twins had died, probably about a week before. We went from the ultrasound appointment to my obstetrician's office and were met with even more grim news. My weight had spiked up about 18 pounds, my blood pressure was soaring, and I had protein in my urine.

It turned out that I was in full-blown preeclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital immediately.

After that, everything happened very quickly. I was put on medication (magnesium sulfate) in an attempt to treat the preeclampsia and save the remaining twin until he reached outside-the-womb viability--a mere two weeks away (I was just over 22 weeks pregnant). But I got much worse overnight; my blood pressure couldn't be controlled, I had a massive headache and was vomiting uncontrollably. My kidneys shut down. I was moments away from seizures, coma, and death when the doctors came and told us the bad news: my remaining twin could not be saved. My pregnancy had to be terminated or both the baby and I would die.

You might, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, be able to imagine what it felt like to be my husband--to imagine being terrified of losing your children and your wife in one fell swoop. Ms. Clinton, you might be able to imagine lying in the hospital, so sick you barely feel any of what is happening, only knowing that the long-fought-for children you so desperately wanted are now both going to be dead.

Here's the part of the story where choice comes in. I could, of course, have gone through induced labor and delivered my tiny twins. But my blood pressure was hovering around 165/120 (often going higher), even with treatment. Can you imagine what labor would have done to my body with blood pressure that high? My doctor recommended, and I agreed, that I undergo the much less stressful intact dilation and extraction procedure--what the "pro-life" forces often like to call a "partial birth abortion." Of course, you being the smart and well-education politicians that you are know that there is NO medical procedure that is actually called a "partial birth abortion" so you know that there are several medical procedures that the "pro-life" movement put in that category, including the one that I had. Wait, I take that back--Mr. McCain, as you have been a staunch supporter of the Partial Birth Abortion ban you clearly were asleep in class when they discussed the actual procedures.

But I digress. My doctor refers to my procedure as the worst moment in his professional career. As I lay on the gurney, waiting for my procedure to start, I felt a gulf of grief and emptiness the like of which I have never known. I felt abandoned by God. I lay there, crying, alone, surrounded by doctors and nurses. You can't imagine the sadness.

I was lucky. Are you surprised that I would say that? I was lucky because the partial-birth abortion ban was not yet in effect in October of 2004. If it had been, I would have been forced to undergo labor and delivery, no matter the risks to my health, and I might right now be either dead or so brain damaged I would be unable to type this. I was additionally lucky because even though I live in Philadelphia, one of the largest cities in the country--a city, Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton, you two will be visiting a great deal in the next month--my doctor happened to be only one of two doctors in this entire city that was willing and able to perform this life-saving medical procedure (although he can't now, of course, thanks to the ban being enacted--besides, he left Pennsylvania for New Jersey thanks to our crazy medical malpractice insurance crisis but that's another story).

So that's my story. For a year after that, I licked my wounds and missed my sons, Nicholas and Zachary. Eventually, I underwent a frozen embryo transfer and gave birth to my daughter Victoria, whose grinning face you see above this entry. I had problems with her delivery as well, so I will not be having other children, sadly.

I'm sure that you will find my story compelling; even the most hard-hearted and most staunch pro-lifers have. Many who came to my blog to question my decision have stayed and become friends. You know why? Because mine was an "acceptable" abortion. I'm not a 26 year old professional woman who doesn't want to derail her career by having a child and chooses to terminate a pregnancy. Or a teenage girl who got drunk and forgot to make the boy wear a condom. Or a harried mother of three who just can't imagine having a fourth child.

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

So knock it off, will you? Fight to protect a woman's right to choose. I know, Ms. Clinton, that you believe in it enough to put it on the front page of your website, but your record isn't perfect. Mr. Obama, you do not discuss choice on your campaign page (although it's hosted on the Women for Obama page). Why not? Mr. McCain, for shame. Shame on you for promoting a law that is basically a warrant for my death. Come on.

I'm tired of writing about this. I am tired of being the Internet Poster Girl for Partial Birth Abortion, I assure you. It's not comfortable. By writing this post, I will get a new batch of pro-life people that will start telling me how I murdered my sons, how they could have lived (they never, ever, remember that one had already passed away) and some will threaten me. It happens every time I talk about this. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let someone else do this. But I won't. I don't know what it will take; perhaps a constitutional amendment protecting women's bodies?

Yeah. That might do it. Sigh. Like that will ever happen.

Miracles

Recently I was forced to use the bed sheets that got so stained on the day Tori was born. I don't think I realized that I was avoiding them; while they'd of course been washed (several times) the giant remnants of blood stains from my placental abruption remain, although, funny enough, they don't seem as big now as they did on that day (most of the blood I lost that day came when I actually stood up and it all landed on the carpet, the hallway floor, and worst of all, in the toilet bowl).

I had to use those sheets because they were the last clean ones, and the nice 300 thread count ones my mom gave me when we bought this house I have actually worn a massive hole into with my feet by tossing and turning. So Charlie and I went sheet hunting and found, hidden in the back corner of the linen closet, the abruption sheets.

I find that it's generally not a good idea to look too closely at my life. If I step back too far and take a good long look I get a bit overwhelmed by the huge number of miracles that have been required to get me to this point. So why am I talking about miracles in the same breath as the placenta abruption that nearly killed both me and my daughter? Well, I guess, because it DIDN'T. We all survived. Tori is alive today, fully capable of dismantling the DVD player (cutest face ever--when I found her gleefully yanking wires out of the back of the player).

Tomorrow Charlie and I, barring any unforeseen events, will celebrate twelve years sober. This is made all the more poignant by the fact that our friend from church (the gentleman that built us the lovely bookcases) hasn't experienced quite the same success with sobriety. After doing some additional work for us, he disappeared for a bit. He's back now, feeling pretty beat up, and OH MY GOD am I glad that's not me. We're working on getting him some help, but you know, you can only help the willing. But the good news is--during the time he worked for us, Charlie and I got to reconnect with our programs and remember the early days of our own recovery. Our sobriety is stronger than ever before. WE didn't drink. And that, my friends, is yet another miracle. I have faith that our friend can find sobriety, and peace, and accept the help he needs and become a miracle himself (say a prayer for him, would you all?).

These days Tori's insatiable curiosity paired with her nearly inexhaustible energy has worn down my patience just a little bit. Someone said to me the other day, "Surely she winds down, doesn't she?" But the truth is, no, Tori doesn't; she just runs and runs and runs until we look at the clock, see that it's time, and put her in her crib. Then she takes her binkys (one for each hand, of course) and plops down and crashes. But right up until that moment, she is going strong. So there are moments, now, when I just cannot get up and chase her down again to get the television remote out of her hands (she calls it the "dote!") because after all, chasing her is half the fun for her. Toss in the new temper tantrums and you'll find quite a bit of exasperated TORI!'s going on at our house.

But neither Charlie or I forget, not for a minute, what a miracle she is. Those few minutes a day when she'll come and sit with me on the couch while we watch some terrible TV show (the phone...the phone is RINGing...), or when she flops down on our bed at night and laughs and laughs, or when she leans over and kisses the dog--those are the best moments of my life. Tori fills my days with a thousand tiny miracles. I could not possibly be more happy.

...

Sitting on my desk right now is the paperwork Charlie and I need to fill out to send our last eight embryos off to Harvard for stem cell research. The work being done there is on Alzheimer's, which Charlie's mom suffers with, and since she funded our IVF cycle it seems appropriate. Although we have let go of the idea of having other children--especially using my body--we still let the papers sit. But after the holidays, we'll tackle it. We'll let those embryos go off to hopefully grow up into miracles for lots of sick people everywhere.

...

When I was going through IVF and then the Frozen Embryo Transfer that led to Tori, I would often sneak into the Catholic Church near my job and spent some time praying in front of Mary's shrine. I'd checked in with a recovering priest who said it was cool that I do that, even though I wasn't Catholic. But this week in church we read from Luke 1:26-38. This is where the Angel Gabriel breaks it to Mary that she's been knocked up by the Holy Spirit (perhaps I'm being a tad sacrilegious). But he also mentions Mary's cousin Elizabeth who is six months pregnant with John the Baptist as evidence of miracles-- as the bible says, "Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."

So what I want to know is, where the hell are the shrines to Elizabeth? Clearly she would be a perfect candidate for the patron saint of infertility. But according this site, the actual patron saint of infertility is some woman that always wanted to be a nun but got married and had kids under duress (and had kids, apparently, without difficulty). That hardly seems fair, does it? Elizabeth is apparently the patron saint of expectant mothers, at least.

The reason I mention all of this is that while my miracle is currently alive and well and attempting to pick up the cat so she can put her in the doll stroller, some of you are still awaiting yours. I offer, then, a completely irreverent yet heartfelt prayer to Saint Elizabeth that this is the year for your miracle. May each of you be as blessed as I am. Perhaps you should all hide your cats.

...

I may not have a chance to post again until after the holidays. If you celebrate it, well then, Merry Christmas. If not, well--have a great whatever. :)

Bad Anniversaries

I've been struggling to find things to blog about this week, which is odd, because I've been really energized with the recent changes I've made and the topics have been easy to find. Then I finally looked at the calendar today and realized... it's that time of year again.

Tomorrow marks the three year anniversary of the day I went to the doctor's office for a routine ultrasound and instead began heading down the terror-filled path that ended with the termination of my pregnancy with Nicholas and Zachary.

Last year I was feeling pretty sad about the anniversary, even though Tori was here and healthy. The year before that, I was newly pregnant and feeling pretty happy, even as I mourned the boys. I often feel their loss more acutely around the anniversary of their expected due date, but for some reason I am finding myself full of memories of that time, and what those few days were like.

I remember my complete and utter disconnect when I saw Dr. Mama's face once he saw the combined numbers of my blood pressure (170/120 or so), my urine protein (3+++), and my weight (up 20 pounds in less than two weeks). For god's sake, I asked him if I could stop and get lunch before I went to the hospital (we already knew at that point that one twin was dead, if you remember). I had severe preeclampsia, and I wanted LUNCH.

I remember the face of the nurse at the labor and delivery unit who kept trying to find the surviving boy's heartbeat.

I remember how sick I was once they gave me the magnesium sulfate. I remember all the equipment I had strapped to me; the blood pressure cuff that checked my pressure every 15 minutes; the pressure cuffs on each of my calves trying to keep my blood circulating; the monitor on the baby; the IV in the arm that didn't have the blood pressure cuff; the urinary catheter. I couldn't move, even when I had to throw up. I remember throwing up all over the lovely nurse I'd conned into giving me graham crackers and apple juice (boy, I bet she regretted that, eh?).

I remember how much my head hurt, how utterly and completely flattened I was by the pain, and how the morphine didn't touch it.

I remember that circle of doctors around the end of the bed at 7 am telling us that we'd have to terminate the pregnancy or I would die. I remember Charlie's face when he realized that not only had we lost a son, we were going to lose another one and maybe lose me too.

I don't remember this, but it haunts me now: the doctors discussing whether or not they could give me more morphine at 3 am because they were afraid I was going to begin having seizures any minute and they were afraid to depress my cardiovascular functions. It wasn't until it was all long over that I realized how close to dying I really was.

Most of all, I remember the moment that I stopped being disconnected and detached from what had happened. It was around 3 am EST and I was alone the night after the surgery (Charlie decided to finally spend a night at home) and it all just suddenly hit me. I was so sad, and so angry, and I felt so completely alone and I didn't have any idea who to call or talk to, so I called my friend Dave in Arizona (because it was not quite as late there, I reasoned) and how nice he was to me even though I woke him up (and his poor girlfriend).

It was such a difficult time. The weeks that followed the loss of Nicholas and Zachary were the worst I've ever endured.

This year it all feels very close and near, even though I have so much joy with Tori here. I think about her brothers often; they would be two and a half now. Can you imagine? Two boys in the terrible twos? And I think I'm tired NOW.

I wish I'd gotten a chance to know them. I wish things had been different.

But it's funny: now that I've got some distance on it, I can see things that I'm grateful for from the whole experience. I'm grateful that at the time I was able to have the medical procedure I needed (an intact dilation and extraction) without my doctor having to worry about going to jail. I'm grateful that such a huge and life altering loss gave me the ability to love Tori so completely and thoroughly, without reservation and fear. I am grateful that the loss of the boys taught me so much about tolerance and acceptance of other people's views.

As much as I miss them, their loss made me a better person and a better mother. What a gift they gave me! What a lucky woman I am!

Thank you, Nicholas and Zachary. Although you were here only a short time (not even six months), you had a huge impact on me and the people around me. Thank you. I love you both, and I miss you. Sleep well, baby boys.

______________________________________________________

*Edited to add that Charlie wrote a great post about this too.

**Also wanted to add that Patty (whose hubbie died last Monday) has started a blog. Go give her support, would you?

It's That Day Again

I considered remaining silent today. I mean, if you are still on the road to starting a family (that cursed, bumpy, pot-hole ridden road of broken dreams and rotten sperm and smooshed ovaries), you don't want to think about today at all.

I didn't even realize I still had some bitterness about it until a friend said, "Oh, it's your first Mother's Day this year!" And I responded, wryly, "Yes, with a living baby."

Not nice. But, god, so true.

So if you are still in the trenches (ok, I'm mixing my metaphors--it's my blog, I get to do what I want), my heart goes out to you and remembers, oh so fucking well, what it was like.

But if you aren't, I have to say, well--it feels pretty damn nice. This morning (a beautiful, sunny morning after a storm) I got up and made blueberry pancakes and fresh-organic-from-a-local-farm sausage for my family. Soon I'll be getting ready to go to church, and putting Tori in some ridiculously splendid outfit.

I don't know when I became this person, but man, I love being her.

So, to all of you, try to have a happy day. Regardless of your 'status.' I know I will.

HEALTH vs. LIFE: Trying to clear things up

Healthy discussion going on over in the comments of my last post (person with fake emails and all caps not withstanding). But the core of the issue is the line between life and health and who gets to choose.

First off, let's talk about some different terms.

Technically, the term "Partial Birth Abortion" does not apply to any currently known and used medical procedure, as Maura stated in her comments. However, it is "assumed" that they are usually referring to the procedure known as a D&X.

D&X refers to a procedure called an Intact Dilation and Extraction. The benefits on this procedure are many, including the fact that having an intact fetus allows the family to view the remains if they choose. Remember, also, that this method is used often when a baby has already died. And, as Aurelia pointed out, "is quite often needed for babies with hydrocephalus or severe cranio-facial disabilities who cannot be delivered vaginally with their skull and brain intact."

According to this survey, this procedure is performed in 0.17% of all abortions. In other fucking words, HARDLY EVER.

D&E is a different procedure, a Dilation and Evacuation. This procedure is done between 12 and 20 weeks gestation. In this procedure, the fetus is usually, well, separated to allow for easier evacuation of the uterus. 11% of all abortions occur in the second trimester, according to the same study above.

I hope that clears up some confusion for folks about the terms.

Now, the problem with the ban is that the language is NOT CLEAR about which procedure is being banned. Part of the issue is the fact that there are many medical terms that fall into this category--this New York Times article refers to both "intact dilation and evacuations" AND "intact dilations and extractions". The line between the two procedures is very small--and doctors now face, as Maura mentioned, CRIMINAL prosecution for crossing that line--and sometimes they don't know what procedure a woman need until they've actually started the surgery.

Do you see the problem? They are taking a medical decision out of the hands of the people involved--the patient AND the doctor.

Personally, I do not know which procedure I had. At 22.5 weeks gestation (when my pregnancy ended--and that is based on my last menstrual period, remember, not the date of implantation, so the fetuses were really 20.5 week along) I was right on the line between trimesters. Plus the fact that there where two fetus (one barely alive, and one dead) could have impacted which surgery I had.

Other than having a medical termination, the options open to someone in my position are usually either a) emergency c-section, and b) induced delivery.

My doctor believed--given my particular circumstances--that it would be better for both my short term and long term health to not cut open my body if at all possible. My health was in a precarious state, and the option of a medical termination was the fastest, safest, and least complicated procedure to use. It also preserved the health of my uterus for future pregnancies.

Also, my doctor (you know, the man in the room with me, the one with a medical degree and my chart in hand? that guy) knew that inducing me, with my insanely high blood pressure, would be likely to cause me to have a stroke.

Please remember that even if my twins had both been alive, THEY WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED. Do not tell me they would have, because you are wrong. There have been NO DOCUMENTED CASES of babies born that early surviving--I don't care what pro-life websites you send me links to that say differently. THEY ARE LYING.

Trust me. Don't you think that I wanted those babies and would have done anything I could to save them? And don't you think that my doctor--who knew about my struggles to get pregnant and called the day of my surgery "the worst day of my professional career"--would have told me if that was possible?

Lastly, let's discuss, using me as an example, the difference between HEALTH and LIFE.

Where do you draw the line? Was my life actually at risk at the moment they chose to terminate the pregnancy? Well, my blood pressure was going higher and higher and they weren't able to get it under control with the medications they had available. My kidneys has begun to shut down and I'd stopped producing urine. But I was alive. I could have remained alive, possibly, under those circumstances for a while. Maybe they could have pushed it until I actually began to have seizures. Or maybe until I had a stroke. Or, maybe, since even after a stroke and having seizures I would have still been alive, maybe they would have to wait until after I felt into a coma. But wait! If I'm in a coma, I'm still alive, right? Even if my brain has been irreparably damaged, I'm still ALIVE. Right?

So, my point is, sure-- the "Partial Birth Abortion Ban" has a provision for the LIFE of the mother. But there is NO PROVISION FOR HER HEALTH. Or the health of her uterus, or her future children.

To sum it all up, if I hadn't had the procedure that I had, Nicholas, Zachary, me AND Tori would all be dead.

Got it?

Snowflake Babies, Dominionism, Cultural Marxism and why I should stop reading the news

When I first heard President Bush refer to frozen embryos that are a product of IVF as "snowflake babies," I didn't pay it much mind. Obviously, he was using language to promote the idea that a frozen bundle of four to eight cells is actually a full fledged human being, and can go buy a car or run up a credit card like any good little American (but not a car from Ford!).

But as Maura recently said to me, it's creepy. It's clearly hinting that this administration is considering taking on the infertility industry; maybe they've taken a cue from the Pope.

Maura also sent me a link to this article in the current issue of Harper's. It chronicles the author's trip to the National Religious Broadcasters convention. One thing that stood out about the convention to the author was the fact that so many Christians sects were represented at this convention. Apparently, conservative Catholics, Pentcostal Christians, African-American Baptists and many others have set side their differences to promote the new doctrine called Dominionism. Here is explanatory quote from the article, which may be the most terrifying paragraph I've ever read:

"What the disparate sects of this movement, known as Dominionism, share is an obsession with political power. A decades-long refusal to engage in politics at all following the Scopes trial has been replaced by a call for Christian “dominion” over the nation and, eventually, over the earth itself. Dominionists preach that Jesus has called them to build the kingdom of God in the here and now, whereas previously it was thought that we would have to wait for it. America becomes, in this militant biblicism, an agent of God, and all political and intellectual opponents of America’s Christian leaders are viewed, quite simply, as agents of Satan. Under Christian dominion, America will no longer be a sinful and fallen nation but one in which the Ten Commandments form the basis of our legal system, Creationism and “Christian values” form the basis of our educational system, and the media and the government proclaim the Good News to one and all. Aside from its proselytizing mandate, the federal government will be reduced to the protection of property rights and “homeland” security. Some Dominionists (not all of whom accept the label, at least not publicly) would further require all citizens to pay “tithes” to church organizations empowered by the government to run our social-welfare agencies, and a number of influential figures advocate the death penalty for a host of “moral crimes,” including apostasy, blasphemy, sodomy, and witchcraft. The only legitimate voices in this state will be Christian. All others will be silenced."

For the record:

a·pos·ta·sy   (-pst-s)
n. pl. a·pos·ta·sies

Abandonment of one's religious faith, a political party, one's principles, or a cause.

blas·phe·my    (blsf-m)
n. pl. blas·phe·mies

1. 1. A contemptuous or profane act, utterance, or writing concerning God or a sacred entity.
   2. The act of claiming for oneself the attributes and rights of God.
2.      An irreverent or impious act, attitude, or utterance in regard to something considered inviolable or sacrosanct.

sod·om·y   (sd-m)
n.

Any of various forms of sexual intercourse held to be unnatural or abnormal, especially anal intercourse or bestiality.

witch·craft  (wchkrft)
n.

1. Magic; sorcery.
2. Wicca.
3. A magical or irresistible influence, attraction, or charm.

These would offenses punishable by death. DEATH.

I'd be first up, I'm sure. Let's see: I abandoned the religion of my childhood (Methodist); I've got an entire catagory on my blog called "Dear God: You Suck"; I write about blowjobs, that's gotta be sodomy in some eyes; and I've seriously considered Wicca as a personal spiritual path. So I'm definitely going to get the chair in the new order.

Oh--and did you hear that a judge can decide what religion you practice with your children?

After reading that article, Blurbomat directed me to this one about Pat Buchanan (yes, I've defended him in the past, since he hates the Neo-Cons so much, but no longer) his assertion that liberals have secretly organized a movement called "Cultural Marxism." Here is a quote from the article:

"The phrase refers to a kind of "political correctness" on steroids — a covert assault on the American way of life that allegedly has been developed by the left over the course of the last 70 years. Those who are pushing the "cultural Marxism" scenario aren't merely poking fun at the PC excesses of the "People's Republic of Berkeley," or the couple of American cities whose leaders renamed manholes "person-holes" in a bid to root out sexist thought.

Right-wing ideologues, racists and other extremists have jazzed up political correctness and repackaged it — in its most virulent form, as an anti-Semitic theory that identifies Jews in general and several Jewish intellectuals in particular as nefarious, communistic destroyers. These supposed originators of "cultural Marxism" are seen as conspiratorial plotters intent on making Americans feel guilty and thus subverting their Christian culture.

In a nutshell, the theory posits that a tiny group of Jewish philosophers who fled Germany in the 1930s and set up shop at Columbia University in New York City devised an unorthodox form of "Marxism" that took aim at American society's culture, rather than its economic system.

The theory holds that these self-interested Jews — the so-called "Frankfurt School" of philosophers — planned to try to convince mainstream Americans that white ethnic pride is bad, that sexual liberation is good, and that supposedly traditional American values — Christianity, "family values," and so on — are reactionary and bigoted. With their core values thus subverted, the theory goes, Americans would be quick to sign on to the ideas of the far left."

Um. Ok. And they say the political left is full of whacko consipiracy theories?

After I waded through that article, I went ahead and read the New York Times. Turns out that Indiana is attempting to do the same thing they did in Kansas--demanding the records of Planned Parenthood patients under 14 years old to allegedly investigate sexual molestation of minors. This time, however, abortion isn't involved at all--they just want to monitor the sexual behavior of minors. I was sexually active at 14 (I know, I know--it seems crazy to me now); and I was also a patient of a local Planned Parenthood type clinic. The idea that the state would be allowed to review my records and then call me in for questioning to determine exactly how I was sexually active is just beyond words.

There were some signs of hope, however.

Everyone is all excited about the news that Deep Throat was W. Mark Felt, the number two man at the FBI during Nixon's reign. Charlie and I were talking about it last night and Charlie wondered what made Mr. Felt come forward now; it got me thinking.

Perhaps in light of the recent Newsweek scandal (where a story was retracted because the "anonymous source" changed his/her tune), Mr. Felt thought coming forward would remind people of the important role the press plays in this country--and that anonymous sources are a critical part of that role and can bring down a president.

At least that's my theory. Course, most conservatives think that Mr. Felt is a traitor. But then, most conservatives these days would think Nixon was a liberal.

I'll say it again; this is all breaking my heart. All of this crazy stuff I've linked to has happened in the last WEEK. I love my country, and the idea of making it a Christian Dominion makes me want to tear my hair out.

I'm going to go cry now. At least Jon Stewart is back from vacation.