Uppercase Woman

Santa!

It worked out so well last year; the Monday after Thanksgiving we trekked out to the mega mall and dumped Tori on the lap of some strange man dressed up like an old elf.

So, we did it again. Same Santa. Not quite the same results.

Photo Post

Busy week; work is busy (I keep having to do the same project over and over cause my supervisor and I aren't communicating), and Charlie is finally selling his mother's condo Monday so I've had full time baby duty. So you are stuck with photos. :)

Drinkable yogurt, my ass.

Tori plays in a puddle.

So maybe I went a tad nuts with photoshop on that last one. Heh. More here.

17 Months

Just like that, another month has gone by. The weather has finally changed and the leaves are turning brilliant shades of gold and red, and you are changing just as fast. You are a miracle.

This month you have learned a lot. My personal favorite thing that has changed this month is your speech. You have finally  uttered your very first sentence, and to my utter and complete delight that sentence is NOT "you asshole!" as predicted, but "Thank you." Which you say "danku." You don't really know what it means, but it does show that we have gone a long way toward politeness in this house, because you say it when you hand us something (because, of course, when you hand us something we take it and we say, "Thank you!"), and today at story time at the library you said it to Miss Virginia the librarian as we were leaving. It is awesome.

This month also marked your second Halloween, and unlike last year where you were completely unaware, this year you were much more involved. You liked the candy quite a bit, but mostly while it was still in the wrapper (you love chewing on wrappers), but you did not understand why we were forcing you to walk around outside after dark and go up the steps of everyone's houses, especially since during our walks we spend most of our time STOPPING you from climbing everyone's steps. We dressed you as a Hershey's Kiss, which was unbelievably adorable, but you did not like keeping the hat on AT ALL.

Now that the weather is more bearable, your mom and dad have decided to get off their asses and try to do more exercise, so we've been going hiking. Miraculously, you love hiking, and both "big" hikes we've gone on in the last couple of weeks you've walked a lot--a mile the first time, and a mile and a half the second time. It was amazing to watch you learn why hiking is different from regular walking; in the course of a half hour, you learned to watch for tree roots and to balance on one foot instead of both when you wobble. It was really amazing. We are so happy about that we bought you little hiking boots, but we had to shop in the boy's section of the store for them since apparently girls don't hike according to the sexist assholes that make toddler shoes (sorry; Mommy goes on tirades sometimes). We will hike again very soon so you can try them.

We shouldn't be surprised at your hiking ability. On our daily trips to the playground you have abandoned the "baby" equipment and insist on climbing the stuff meant for older kids. You now happily plop yourself down at the top of the slide and skooch your butt forward until you can fly down it. You love sliding, and always say "Whee!" as you get off the slide (it's so funny, how you wait until you are getting down to say it). You can do the whole thing--climb the stairs, sit down, get in position, slide down, and get off the slide to do it all over again--all by yourself. Pretty soon, I'll get to be like those moms I see at the playground with a book.

You are such a happy kid. Like every child before you, your favorite game is "gonna getcha!" No matter what is  happening, if we stomp our feet and slowly "run" toward you, you shriek with happiness and dash away. It's the perfect way to fix any bad mood--for all of us.

You love to give kisses. You kiss on demand, and often kiss spontaneously. You kiss the dog and the cat whenever they sit still long enough, and come and give us kisses all the time. You also chase down kids at playground and storytime to give them kisses, particularly the babies that are younger than you, which is adorable (even when some of the baby's moms wish you wouldn't give their kiddos slobbery kisses). You do, thankfully, close your mouth now when you kiss.

This last week you had to deal with your first time change, which you dealt with quite rationally--in other words, you pretended you didn't know it had happened. Why would you, after all? Time is a rather arbitrary thing, and if the grown-ups want to go and just change it all of a sudden, why should you care? It does bother you that we can't go to the playground right before dinner, though, since now it's dark there and the neighbors might find it odd if you were sliding down the slide in the dark, even if it is only 5:30pm. So now when we walk to the park, you have to squint against the sun.

The other thing that's changed this month is that you are beginning to learn, just a tiny bit, about staying out of stuff we ask you to. You even occasionally respond to a verbal cue from one of us, although usually only when it's said REALLY REALLY LOUDLY. We don't want to yell at you, we really don't. But sometimes cranking up the volume gets the desired response and we find it difficult to resist. We promise to pay for your therapy later.

You are showing us more of your personality this month. You've developed an absolutely hilarious fake smile that you often run around with for no reason we can see (and is featured in the new masthead of this blog). It cracks us up. You've also started doing this weird laugh/chortle thing when you are happy where you go "hehehehehehehe" in a low voice almost like a sheep baaing. You have become incredibly attached to certain toys, such as "babir" (big bird) and OH MY GOD how you love my Pee Wee Herman doll from the 80's even though it no longer says anything other than a high-pitched squealing and it's full of sharp, pointy parts that hurt you when you insist on laying down with it. You also, for some reason, love my empty energy drink cans and will carry them around and pretend to drink out them for hours (I am so fucking happy that I don't drink beer anymore and have to watch you do that with my beer cans--sheesh). If we take away any toy you have deemed to be critically important in order for you to survive you give a piercing shriek that makes my migraine-laden head explode and then you cry and cry until we give it back. You also get very angry sometimes, often for no reason we can see, and will throw that same beloved toy down with such vehemence it bounces. We try (and mostly fail) not to laugh at you when you do that, but it really is pretty funny. More therapy, we know.

You do still run us ragged, however, because you have more energy than any other three kids put together. But you nap well, you sleep (mostly) pretty well at night, and you go to bed easily. Most other parents don't have that kind of luck, so we'll take the high energy in exchange for the good bedtime behavior any day.

Tori Anne, each day there is a moment (often more than one) where my heart swells so huge with love for you I feel like I might just burst. It's an amazing experience, and a great way to go through life. I can't believe no one ever told me this is what being a mom would be like--that along with sleep deprivation and crazy toddler chasing would come these glorious moments of happiness that are perfect and almost too much to bear. Thank you so much for giving me that, my darling girl. I love you so very, very much.

Lame Video Blog Post

But you won't mind, cause Tori's in it. Heh.

16 Months

My darling Tori Anne,

You are 16 months old! And I am EXHAUSTED. You are always moving, always active, always go- go- going. Usually somewhere we don't want you to go. I know to you it feels arbitrary and random--that we just don't want you to have fun--but the truth is, there is just a lot of dangerous shit around and we don't want you to get hurt. But try to tell you that! Impossible.

Luckily, you are utterly adorable and sweet and it makes you very easy to forgive.

The dominating feature of this last month has been the arrival of your will. You are a kid with strong preferences and you are happy to share those preferences with the world. You push other kids, you grab books from shelves at the library, and you get so, so, so mad when we take away something you want but shouldn't have.

I've been taking you to lots of various story time events at our local libraries. I take you for a lot of reasons; I want you to love books like I do, and I want you to see the library as a magical place, and I want you to spend time with other kids. I also secretly hope it will tire you out. Did I mention that we are tired? We are very, very tired. We're really quite old, you know.

We've been exploring other places as well. We visited the zoo again, which was quite fun. You called every large animal "Bubba" which was hilarious, and at the petting zoo you ran from goat to goat patting them and calling them all "Bubba."

It's really fun to take you to places like the zoo because you are so mobile. We almost never put you in the stroller (except as a way to contain you). You never seem to get tired, no matter how much walking you do. At the aquarium on Friday, for instance, you walked for nearly three hours straight with only a break for lunch. You have so much energy! Did I mention that?

I'm not surprised you are strong willed. You are my daughter after all, and I'm totally pushy and demanding of everyone around me (although I'm working on it). You, however, are significantly more charming.

It takes a lot more to keep you entertained at home than it used to. We really wish we could afford to buy you all the toys you want and maybe even need. I think you have enough, though.

You are talking a lot more, even though you don't often say Mommy or Daddy (which is interesting; maybe because we're always around so you don't have to call us?). You can tell me what a dog, cat, cow, train, and duck say (a duck, just for the record, says "cock"). You can point to your head, your knee, your belly button, your eyes, your nose, your hair, your foot, and your diaper. You also say a whole lot of stuff we don't understand, but will hopefully become clear soon. You've also suddenly starting using some of the baby signs we taught you ages ago that we thought you were ignoring. You say hungry quite clearly, which is awesome for us, because we are kind of dolts sometimes (like today when you were screaming and screaming and it was because you had a poopy diaper that was hurting because you had a bite of my chili yesterday).

You and I have developed a really awesome bedtime routine which is my favorite time of day. I give you a bath, blow dry your hair (I know, I know, I know--but you enjoy it, and it looks so cute after), then we play on the bed. You nurse a little (although you don't nurse that much these days), but we play "five little monkeys" and I tickle you until you shriek with laughter. It's so unbelievably adorable and makes my heart swell and swell 'til I think it will explode to hear you laughing.

I know we've struggled this month--we're still learning. But I love you and think you are the most brilliant, incredible, awesome person I have ever met--and I think that every single day. I am so lucky to have you, and I love you with an ache so powerful and fierce that it makes me a better person. I love you Tori Anne. You are the best.

15 Months

My Darling Tori Anne,

Amazingly enough, another summer in your life has gone by, and here you are, 15 months old. It's becoming more and more obvious that you are moving away from being a baby and plunging headlong toward being a kid. As much as I wish I could keep you my little baby forever, you are growing up.

You continue to amaze me. You are an incredibly agile child, and just a couple of weeks after walking became easy for you, you started climbing. One day you climbed the entire flight of stairs in our house; your Daddy was working in his office when he suddenly heard the pitter-patter of your little feet. I was working at my desk downstairs and didn't see you go. Fast as we could we bought a baby gate for the bottom of the stairs, and after much wrestling, cursing, and screaming we got it secure. Now you climb up the two steps to it and hang from the bars much like a prisoner on cell block C. We never carry you up the stairs anymore; we just let you climb. We almost never use the stroller either--you love to walk too much. While you don't yet run, you do have this adorable fast walk where you really throw your shoulders into it. It cracks us up every time.

We continue to drag you to new places and do new things. Recently we took you to Coney Island, a place I've read about extensively but never visited. We crammed  a whole lot of new stuff in that day. You rode on an enclosed Ferris Wheel and a merry-go-round, and saw the ocean.

You loved the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round, but you were undecided about the ocean. You looked at the water and then looked at me with an expression that said, "Mom, that water is MOVING." You found the waves to be scary, and instead contented yourself with eating some, um, nutritious Coney Island Sand.

You've become much more cuddly this month. Since you first started cruising you've been all about going places and doing things. But it seems that the ability to walk has assured you of your mobility and you are happy to cuddle with us on the couch sometimes, especially when you can have patting access to the dog.

You love the dog. You've been much more vocal lately and you've put together the concepts of dog and woof and Bubba (which is our nickname for Hammer the Best Dog Ever). So now whenever you see him, you say, "Bubba!" which is nothing short of head-poppingly cute. But you call other dogs Bubba too, and you also say "Bubba" whenever you hear a dog barking, so we still have a little work to do to straighten that all out. Your Daddy frets about that.

You say lots of words now, and you answer questions. You can point (most of the time) to your eye, ear, nose and belly button when asked. You can tell me what a dog, a cat, and a tiger say. You know the tub-spout cover is in the shape of a duck and greet it each bath time with shrieks of "DUCK! DUCK!" Sometimes you even know a duck says "quack," and a train says, "whoo-hoo." But the most startling thing is that a week or so ago we realized that you will indicate your preferences if we ask you direct questions. If I ask you if you want to go to the playground you nod with your whole body and walk to the front door. If I ask you if you are tired and want to go to bed, you nod again, walk over to the stairs and climb up to the gate and start waving goodbye to Daddy and Bubba. It's amazing, and I have to fight the impulse to tell you that you are smart constantly (apparently, we aren't supposed to tell you that anymore say the psychologists). But you are. You are fucking brilliant.

You've become much more expressive, learning both an awesome surprised face (pictured above) and an angry face. The angry face was quite funny because you started making it before you were actually angry, just to practice. Now you are quite the pro with the mad face. You look a bit like Shirley Temple when you do, which is quite funny.

Your Daddy and I still feel so blessed to have you. We've decided recently that you will be our only child, as both of us are getting older and poorer. If we had more time, we might try to get you a brother or sister, but I'm not really up to having a newborn and a toddler in my 40's and since we'd have to use your Godmother Sarah's uterus to make that baby, it too would over 40 before we'd be ready. So you'll have to just make do with your two older brothers as guardian angels and your Godsister for siblings. It's not so bad; your Daddy and I are both only children (although I have some half-siblings, we didn't grow up together, so I'm defacto an only child) and we liked it. Besides, with any luck, we'll be home with you all the time. A fact you love now, but will hate when you're a teenager. Heh.

I love you, little girl. You've brought me more joy than I believed was possible. Thank you for lighting up my life.

It Was Raining, But We Went Out Anyway

Visited Tyler Arboretum's butterfly exhibit with Sarah. Somehow we thought it would be inside. Oh well. It's been raining for three days and we had to get out. Hope you enjoy my little photo montage! Full photo set here (look for Sarah's photos too). And yes, there was only one butterfly out cause of the rain.

Pointless (but cute) Video Post

Tori being adorable. Oh, and Charlie and I discussing eggs.

14 Months

My darling Tori Anne,

Today you are fourteen months old! While I am still amazed by this fact, your continued presence in our lives make me feel less and less startled by the passage of time these days. You are clearly getting older, and you are clearly here, in our lives, being your perfect self. So for the first time I feel happy to recognize another milestone in the beginning of your long, long (long, long, long) life without that shaky giddiness of "I can't believe it's true!" You are here, you are staying here, and you are as much a part of my life now as is my left arm (I never look down at my left arm and say, "I can't believe you're here!" anymore--I totally grew out of that when I was two). So, you are here, and you are perfect, and you are fourteen months old.

The big news, of course, is that you are walking. Just a month ago (I know, cause I checked) you were still just cruising and crawling. You took a couple of steps at the playground a month or two ago but you didn't seem all that interested in actually walking. In fact, you would cry when you walked. But then, suddenly, in the baby pool you began taking more steps, and then it was at home between the couch and the chair, and then BOOM! You were walking. Just like that.

In fact, you walk with such ease now that while we were on our week-long trek across the country, we didn't break out the stroller once. You walked from the car to the hotel room, to the restaurants, and more. We go out every evening and stroll about our neighborhood, sometimes even doing a full turn about the block. It's a lovely family event, with the dog trying to catch the neighborhood bunnies (he's very slow of course, so he never stands a chance, but he loves to try), and you picking up and eating every. single. stick. that is on the sidewalk. We love walking with you, and you love walking.

We did think we'd have just a bit more time between walking and climbing, however. The other day we were sitting together in the baby pool and you walked over to the steps and climbed out and were halfway to the big pool before I could haul my fat ass up off the ground. Yikes! When we go for our little neighborhood sojourns I have to fight to keep you off every stairway we see. I had no idea how many there were on our little block. Sheesh. I'm pretty sure you'll figure out how to crawl out of your crib much sooner than I'm ready for you to do so. I'm so sure, in fact, that while on vacation when you walked over to the bed and woke me up I thought it was because you'd crawled out of the travel crib (you hadn't--your father had taken you out and scared me near to death). It will happen, and soon, I think.

You are incredibly flexible. You allowed us to uproot your whole routine, toss you in a car, sleep in strange place, play in strange playgrounds, meet new people, eat every meal out, and bathe in strange tubs with barely a whimper. You tolerate just about anything, and that is why you are such an joy to parent and why I totally feel like I'm somehow cheating because you make it so damned easy.

You are also just so darned fun. The other afternoon you and I ran around the living room laughing at nothing for 15 minutes. Seriously; we just ran around, hands in the air, laughing at the top of our lungs like a couple of crazy people for no reason. It was awesome, and probably the most fun I'll ever have in my whole life.

You've returned to being a near-perfect sleeper, with (usually) only a single waking per night, and that waking is usually before I've gone to bed. This morning you tried to get up at 5 am, but with a little persuasion you went back to sleep and stayed in bed until almost NINE. It was lovely, for all of us. Napping is easy too; you are still taking two naps a day, each for about two hours. I thought you were working towards a single nap a day, but I was wrong. You wake up happy and chatty, usually, and always want to tell me about the toys around your crib when you first get up. It's adorable.

You are nursing less and less. These days, you nurse pretty much in the morning and right before bed and that's about it. Sometimes you'll still do the drive-by nursing in the mid-afternoon, but not often. You are just too darned busy exploring to bother nursing during the day. My left boob has nearly dried up, I think, and you spend most of your time on the right one now. I thought we'd make two years, or even at least 18 months, but I'm not sure. You seem to be losing interest fast. I'll keep offering, though.

We've had a lot of adventures this month. You rode a boat, you added three new states (Ohio, West Virginia, and Michigan) to your repertoire (previously including only Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Delaware). You've ridden on my shoulders, been dunked in the pool (not by choice--you fell), and eaten (and rejected) all kinds of new foods. You are afraid of nothing.

You snuck in a new tooth this month without letting us know; I happened to see your bottom teeth and there was suddenly a fourth one on the bottom. Go figure! Now you just need one more on the top to be symmetrical. You'll get there.

I am so glad I'm home with you every day. I don't want to miss a moment. You are the best baby ever, and a bright shining light in the lives of everyone you know. I love you more than anything, and you are my darling baby girl, yet again. Tori Anne, I can't thank you enough for choosing us.

Video Post!

She Walks

She cried with each step. Poor thing.

Oops! She falls...

She thinks about trying again...

She seems pretty pleased with herself, all in all.

All photos taken at this amazing spot. Will be going there often. More photos here. And when did her hair get so darned light? Not long after this shot I actually died my hair darker so that mine wouldn't be so much lighter than hers. Perhaps going blond is in my future. NOT. Oh, and that blue thing Tori's on? It's a see-saw. So cool.

Happy Father's Day, Charlie!

I love you more than you can know (and more than I let on, sometimes...). You are the best father I've ever seen. Tori and I worked hard on this; we hope you like it. :)

Video Post: It's Not So Bad

50th Percentile

We just got back from Tori's 12 month check up. She currently weighs 21.3 lbs, is 29 inches long, and has a head circumference of 45 centimeters. On both the 11 month (correcting for her premature birth) and 12 months scales, she falls basically within the 50th percentile, making our wonderful and amazing little girl just about average.

Feh. As if charts and graphs know anything.

For the first time today they gave her the immunizations in her arms so that her legs won't be too sore to keep her from walking. Very nice of them. But MAN did she ever HATE everything about being at the doctor's office today. Poor thing. But she's now off the hook for another three months.

Since I spent so much time working on that little movie of Tori's first year, I didn't end up doing my monthly letter to her. I'm not going to do it now, but I thought I'd give everyone a little update on Tori's latest developments. Especially about the screaming. Have I mentioned the screaming?

Since we last discussed things, she has become a champion cruiser. She sails around the perimeter of everything soooooooo fast now. It's become quite hazardous, actually. As I mentioned a few days ago, we had to buy one of these (which works well, by the way, although it doesn't really come apart very easily AT ALL) to keep her confined to the area of the first floor that presents the fewest dangers. Instead of making a playpen out of it, we've stretched it across our living room so that it blocks access to the stairs, the television, and the end table with a lamp on it and the surge strip that my computer plugs into beneath it. Now the most dangerous thing she has access to is the fireplace, and since a) it's summer and we're not having any fires and b) I was able to secure the doors (it has glass doors), that is actually not a danger at all.

For a while we didn't need any baby-wrangling things because even though she was cruising she wasn't crawling so she was limited to whatever she could hang on to. That worked great when all she could do was circle the ottoman endlessly. But now, she is crawling. Still mostly crab-crawling, but she does do a bit of hands and knees crawling now. And MAN OH MAN she is fast.

Hence the need for the security gate, or as Charlie calls it, "Abubabe " (he also calls it "Guantoddelo Bay").

She still is, for the most, a very well-behaved baby. But last month when she wasn't given, or had dropped, or had taken away from her a toy or something she liked, she would cry. But now? Well, now she screams. Shrieks. At top volume. Ear splitting.

Without even realizing it, I've rewarded this behavior by giving her whatever it is she wants--anything, you know, to STOP THE SCREAMING. My mom noticed this and pointed it out (in that way that moms have) but I have NO IDEA how to deal with it.

Before we got the security gate, if she persisted in poking/grabbing/crawling into things we didn't want her to, I would sometimes pick her up and hold her (against her violent protests--she almost gave me a bloody nose from head-butting me) for 30 seconds in an attempt to do some sort of precursor to a "time out" (it's actually more of an editorial comment on a time out). It never worked; as soon as I put her down she went right back to the thing we were keeping her away from. Oddly enough, though, she has no resentment against the security gate. Once something is blockaded by a closed door or a security gate, she just accepts the impossibility of having whatever it was she wanted and heads off to find something else to get into.

But now, I have no idea how to deal with the screaming. I mean, obviously she has to learn that she can't have everything she wants. But is that a lesson she needs to learn now? I mean, it's not like she can really process that information yet, right? While obviously we don't think we should allow her to have access that really fascinating electrical outlet, do we really need to deny her the bottle she's just dropped on the floor for the 65th time (actually, I do try to do a "three times" rule--the third time she throws/drops something, I don't let her have it back right away) when I know she's not really done with it?  It just seems cruel to have to learn such harsh lessons already. I know a lot of this throwing around of stuff is just her testing out skills and boundaries, and also about controlling what little elements of her environment she can. So I don't know if being firm and not returning the bottle to her is really--well-- fair.

By the way, suggesting to your child that she "practice the Buddhist lesson of non-attachment" does nothing to help the situation. You know, in case you wondered. It is, however, a GREAT way to get people to look at you funny while shopping.

I remember when Heather would talk about her daughter screaming all the time and I had this vague sense of discomfort like she was being mean to Leta to talk about it so much. But if she screamed more than Tori does now, WOW. I can see how that would make one want to kvetch a bit.

So I guess my question for you more experienced parents is about early-not-quite-yet-a-toddler discipline. Do you do it? How? What worked for you? I'm mostly interested in non-corporal punishment methods, obviously. I mean, actually, I don't want to sound like I'm interested in punishing Tori--really, what I want to do is train her rather than punish her (and don't think I haven't considered some of my old animal training techniques--do you think shaking coins in a can really hard when she's getting into trouble, or maybe spraying her with a water bottle when she's trying to get something she shouldn't have might work?).

So with that in mind, how did you get your kid to tolerate having a toy taken away when it's time for dinner, or to get out of the tub, or because it belongs to another child? How do you address a deliberate behavior--like the throwing of her bottle--without being cruel?

Surely I barely need to mention the usual disclaimer:

As is often the case, this could be a contentious issue. So PLEASE play nice and DO NOT attack other commenter's disciplining styles. Unless, you know, they are throwing their child to the lions or whipping them with a belt or something (cause, yeah, I equate those two as being about equal--now you know where my prejudice lies). Try to stick to sharing your own experiences without criticizing others (although if something worked for someone but didn't work for you, that would be interesting to know as well--but again, that doesn't mean that method is bad--it just didn't work for your kid). Keep it nice. :)

Oh, Happy Day! Tori's One Year Old!

Yup. It's officially Tori's first birthday as of 11:05am--exactly when this blog entry posted. :)

And don't tell me you didn't see this coming... here is a movie of Tori's first year. Music provided by Etta Jones (no, NOT Etta James) and Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. And if you are at all sentimental, you might need tissues. I did. Also, if you want to see it a bit bigger, go to the Google video page and view it there. Be sure to click on the link at the bottom right corner of the screen and request "smooth video." :)

Birthday Parties Are Fucking Expensive

Holy shit. We just got back from the party store, where we spent $100 on crap for Tori's birthday. And I feel like we were very low-key. Well, if by low-key you mean we bought Tori a $10 hat that says "Birthday Princess" on it that she will wear for 2.2 seconds. And one of those helium balloon kits that can blow up 50 balloons. And a big banner that says "Happy Birthday". And pink plates, cause, you know, Tori's a girl.

Yeah. REAL low-key.

Plus we paid $60 to reserved the pavilion at the state park. Plus we haven't even bought the food yet. All we're gonna serve is hot dogs and burgers, and we'll buy those at Giant Membership Store that is NOT affiliated with Walfuckingmart. But we will also have to get buns for both, and condiments, and charcoal for the grill, and drinks for the 50 people that are coming, not to mention the huge full-sheet cake we ordered, and and and...

Crap. Who's fucking idea was this big birthday bash anyway????

Oh, right. Ahem.

___________________________________________

As far as the pool thing goes, we've somewhat decided on a course of action. First off, we have been told that the full membership doesn't start coming to the pool until after school is out, so we will wait another couple of weeks to see what the membership pool (no pun intended) really looks like. Since the folks that were given a hard time were not actually OUR guests, but our neighbor's, we will step back and let them contact management. We've all decided a LOT depends on how the management reacts.

If in two weeks we've had a bad experience with management, and people at the pool continue to be jerks, we'll rethink the situation and make a decision then. If we have to walk away, we will, even though it probably means we'll lose all our money which means we can't afford to join the other pool club (sigh).

But there have been signs of hope; first off, I spotted another mom nursing her baby at the pool, and she seemed very cool when we spoke with her. I've also seen more people of color at the pool; a lot of African-American kids, and a Indian or Pakistani family too. It's not much, but it actually reflects the demographics of that town pretty well (at least, the children at the pool do). It turns out that unlike our borough, this town is nearly all Irish and Italian-American. Overwhelmingly so, in fact.

If it gets worse, all of the more dramatic options are on the table still. So no worries. We won't let anything go unmentioned, but we won't rush to judgment either.

__________________________________

At the party store today, I had an overwhelming moment. One of those shiny, happy moments when I realize that this is NOT routine, that in fact, we are shopping for crap for our daughter's first birthday.

Our DAUGHTER. Who is going to be one-year-old a week from today.

It's just so damned amazing, that after all this time, after four years of absolute hell and one year of pure joy that we are here.

Finally.

It makes me want to run through the party store buying EVERYTHING to celebrate.

Some new photos of Tori on Flickr. Oh, and more silly self-portraits. I'm like a smidge away from totally imitating Sarah's project (if you haven't checked out her self-portraits, you should)! Oh, and Sarah has some cute shots of us at the pool here. Especially this one...

The Very Late and Probably Too Long Video Post

Now, with google video. Let me know if it works better than Youtube.

:)

Migraines, Menstruation, and Muppets, OH MY!

For the first time since September 17, 2005, Aunt Flo's in town. My little friend is visiting (every time I hear someone call their period "my little friend" I can't help but get this crazy vision of a woman whipping out a bloody tampon and pointing it at me and yelling, "Shay hellooo to my leetle friend!" I don't know why). Enough euphemisms--my period started, OK?

And guess what? It still SUCKS. It's funny how even now, after Tori, after everything, I still get this feeling of grief every time I spy blood on the toilet paper. I'm not surprised it started again; after all, it's now been over two weeks since I started decreasing the number of times I pumped a day, and over a week since I stopped altogether. And while Tori is still nursing quite a bit, there must be a lot less milk being produced. So the hormonal signals must have been sent to re-start the ol' uterus and ovaries back up.

If I'd known that, I would have totally kept pumping.

It's funny how absurd menstruating seems after you haven't done it in a while. Almost as absurd as the products around it; I went hunting for tampons on Friday and when I found one I looked at it for a moment and thought, "I'm supposed to put what up my what for what?" It just seems so silly to put a tiny absorbent dildo up my vagina to collect the shed lining of my uterus. Of course, using a pad seems silly too, like I'm joining Tori in the diaper brigade. All options are bizarre.

Weird, weird, weird.

But it does explain a lot. I've had, over the last couple of weeks, way more migraines than is fair. Since mine are often hormonal, that makes sense now. I had a rotten one on Friday afternoon. Not fun at all. In fact, my head kind of hurts now. Damn it all. Not to mention the moodiness, the crankiness, the insomnia. All typical, for me, of getting my period.

The insomnia has been particularly awful. For almost two weeks now I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep (except last night, thank god). It doesn't help that Tori has developed an innate ability to tell exactly what moment I'm beginning to drift off to sleep; she always chooses that moment to wake up and start crying to nurse. It' s uncanny, really.

I should wrap this up because I'm headed off to a friend's baby shower today. We picked up her present the other day at Giant Baby Store and, naturally, had to also get a gift for Tori. We chose a book with a little puppet of Elmo attached to it, and Tori finally said (for sure) her first intentional word. We held the book up to see if she liked it and she said, I shit you not, "mmmelmoo!" Charlie and I both looked at each other, shocked, and hid it for a second (which made her cry, of course) and then pulled it back out and she said it again.

Yikes. I guess she really is absorbing more television than I realized.

I'll leave you with this hilarious video that Charlie's high school buddy Andrew sent me. Enjoy, and have a great weekend. I'll do a video post tomorrow with Tori!

11 Months

My amazing baby girl,

You are 11 months old now! Do you know what that means? It means you are only a few short weeks shy of being a whole year old! Soon you won't be a baby any more. You'll be a toddler, then a child, then a surly teenager! Ack. My whole life is flying by already.

But for now, you are still a baby. My sweet, sweet cuddly baby. When I get home from a long day at work, you love to just nestle against me with your head resting against my head. It's the sweetest feeling.

In just a few short days, my darling girl, you will no longer have to desperately cling to me trying to get some mommy-time when I get home from work. Because after Friday, sweetheart, I will be home, home, home. I'll still be spending a lot of time at the computer, cause we still have to pay the mortgage, but I can stop and cuddle you whenever you need it now. It's going to be awesome.

You've changed so much in the last month! I swear I go to work in the morning and when I get home you've mastered two or three new skills. One day you learned how to high-five and bop your head to music while I was at work! I think you just did that to help me feel less scared about leaving the security of a regular paycheck. When I see what I miss--in just a day--I know that quitting my job was the right thing to do.

You are fascinated by everything, and are desperate to grab everything. Once you get a hold of something, first you taste it, then you shake it, and if you don't like it you hurl it across the room. We pretty much let you pick up and taste most things (although I'm more relaxed about things like sticks and leaves than your daddy is), but we do draw the line at a few things: my glasses, drink glasses, and the camera.

You've really cemented your likes and dislikes in these last four weeks, and unlike most of the previous ten months, there have been a lot more tears. You get very frustrated because your brain is working at a faster pace than your body is, and when things don't go the way you want them to you get very angry and cry and cry.

You also cry now when we take something away from you that you were playing with. Inconsolably. It's very sad, really. I can't let you have toys in the tub anymore because you get SO MAD when we have to take you out and put them away. It's a lot like how your big brother, Hammer The Best Dog Ever, is with his toys, in fact. The funniest thing about the crying now is that you have figured out how that you should try to use crying to your benefit. It's just so clear when you are trying to manipulate me or your daddy. It's a shame, really, cause you don't know this yet, but your mommy happens to have a PhD in manipulation and it just ain't gonna work on me. Sorry, baby. It's probably not going to be a real issue until you're a little older though. Right now it's pretty easy to get you to switch gears when you don't get your way.

You are still, though, the happiest baby I know. Not only are you happy, but you are good. Really, really good. For instance, you wake up before we do every day. But you are absolutely content to stay in bed until you hear us wake up too. You just play in your crib, babbling to yourself. Sometimes you yell loudly trying to wake us up, but you'll stay in there as long as we stay in bed too. But the minute you hear one of us get up to go to the bathroom, you are ready! We get you up and bring you into the bed with us so you can nurse a bit before we go down and have breakfast. It's hard to pin you down to nurse these days; you have so much to do! So many things to see! The cat's whiskers to grab! You are now a champion roller, and in fact use that as a mode of transportation. You've rolled off the bed twice in the last month, bonking your head on the end table and the trash can respectively. Sure, you've been able to roll for a while, but now you are just so damned fast that I can't even adjust a boob before you roll off the bed. Now when I'm nursing you I have to always keep one hand on your little belly so that you don't roll away on me.

The other thing you like to do in the morning is stand on the bed or kneel and nurse. It's very funny. You hurl yourself at my boob and latch on fiercely while your little butt is up in the air. Cracks me up every day.

You've become a champion eater too. You love meatballs, and chicken fingers, and those funny little mashed-potato smiley faces. I do wish you liked fruit though--sometimes we have to trick you into eating prunes or you won't poop. It's kind of funny, actually. You'll get there.

We've started to introduce cow's milk to you in the last week or so, even though it's just a touch early. You like to drink milk (from a bottle) with your meals, and I'm hoping to quit pumping once I'm home full time. So we've been mixing the cow's milk with my breast milk and so far it's going really well. In another two weeks or so, I'll be free of that damned pump, and that is just awesome.

Don't worry, though--I have no plans for weaning you. You can nurse for a while longer. We'll let that one sort itself out, ok?

It's funny, but just when we thought you weren't going to crawl, you've just recently (as in the last few days!) begun to do a bit of crab crawling. I put you down to play with your toys in the morning and the next thing I know you are twenty feet away attempting to eat the dog's tail, electrocute yourself, or something else dangerous. This working-at-home thing is going to be challenging.

You have managed, somehow, to get even cuter this month. I'm not sure how--you were already the cutest baby I've ever seen--but you've done it. You make so many new faces now--my favorite being the 'monkey face' where you stick your tongue under your bottom lip and pull your face down. It's so funny. But you just get more and more expressive every day.

So many days your daddy and I look at each other with wonder and joy and just can't believe that you are here, that you are ours--our daughter! It's just the best thing that has ever happened to us, even better than when we found each other and fell in love (and that was pretty damned awesome--still is--so you know that's really saying something).

I think that you'll be walking pretty soon. You can pull yourself upright pretty easily now, although only when an appropriate surface presents itself. Our new awesome cushy ottoman sadly doesn't go all the way to the floor so when you try to use it, your feet just slide right under it instead. You'll get there though. You love to stand for long periods now, and you can very, very slowly cruise all the way around the ottoman. For some reason, though, standing seems to also require yelling. And boy oh boy, do you love to yell!

In fact, you vocalize nearly constantly now. We discovered that you love being in the swings at the park, and when you swing you actually have to shriek with glee. You also definitely have a word for cat--it sounds like "gah" but you only say it to the cat. We've declared it your first word. Even though you also have called your godmother "gah". We don't care.

We also think that you sometimes actually mean "daddy" when you say dada. It's hard to tell, though. You have yet to attempt "mama" or anything like it. But I can wait. After all, it took four years for us to have you--I can wait for you to say mama.

I'm off to start planning your big birthday bash. It's going to be a little before your actual birthday, cause that was the day the pavillion at the park was available (it's June 2) but it will still be totally awesome. I never understood why people threw big parties for a baby's first year, but I totally, totally get it now. It's a celebration of surviving that first year and celebrating the awesomeness of you. And you have a new dress and everything.

I'm probably forgetting about a million things that you do that are new to the last four weeks, but I've gushed enough. You are the best thing in the universe right now, and I love you, oh god how much do I love you! It's funny, but just like "grief" wasn't a big enough word to describe how I felt about losing your big brothers, "love" isn't a big enough word to describe how I feel about you. It's a big, big love, my darling girl, and it gets bigger every day.

Happy 11th month birthday, my sweetie.

Video Post: Yard Sales, Dieting, and Work **BONUS VIDEO ADDED**

Here ya go...

If that wasn't enough, Sarah and family came over and we had to make another one. Warning: very, very, VERY SILLY.

Dudes--Video Post!

So, I got the new computer today. So Tori and I made a video post, which you can watch here if you like.

Or you can go here and watch it on youtube.

This is SO awesome.

Ten Months

My darling baby girl,

You are ten months old today! This month flew by so fast. For the first time, I feel like you are growing up too quickly, that you are changing every minute, and if I don't watch you constantly I'm going to miss something, some magical moment of your babyness that is precious and perfect. It's driving me crazy. Tell time to slow the heck down, would you?

You are so much more expressive these days. You make a lot of silly faces, including my favorite one where you scrunch up your face and then blink your eyes several times for no reason. You must have seen one of us do it, but it's oh so much funnier when you do it.

You vocalize a lot more now too. You are very serious about talking, and you can both yell really loud and you can talk very softly in a near-whisper. When you talk you make even more funny faces. You say da-da-da, ba-ba-ba, and something that sounds very much like dog. You have a specific noise that means, "kitty, come here now!" and another one for "why did you take my toy away?" and yet another one that means, "where the hell is the food?"

Speaking of food, you have eaten your last meal of baby food. With no warning to your parents AT ALL, you just suddenly and irrevocably stopped eating from a spoon. You shut your lips tight and nothing would pry them open. Your Daddy and I jumped around like crazed monkeys trying to make you laugh so we could jab a spoonful of something into your mouth, but you weren't having any of it. You are  just done, done, done. Luckily one of the baby books says this is normal, and you have a ton of Internet aunties to tell your hapless parents what to feed you now. Yesterday you ate a grilled cheese sandwich. Almost the whole thing! At a restaurant. It was awesome.

Also, right along with wanting to feed yourself, you've suddenly decided that you can hold your own bottle and sippy cup, thank you very much. For ages we've been trying to get you to hold your own bottle, but you always figured why bother, when Daddy will hold it for you instead. But now you're a pro, spinning them around in the right direction, doing a trumpet hold so you can get every last drop. So funny, how it happened so suddenly like that. Great leaps, my dear.

We're working on turning you into an outdoor baby. Something you may not know about your parents since we've been mostly big worthless slugs since you've been around (both inside me and out) is that we love being outside. We love hiking, camping, and canoing. We've taken you out some in the little mini-blasts of spring we've gotten around these parts. It's slow going, because we're out of shape, and it turns out that even though your stroller is the one of the most awesome things ever it's not great at off-roading so if we go on a trail we have to carry you. And guess what? You only have a one-hour or so tolerance for being in the backpack. We have to work on that, cause we like to hike for more like the two to three hour range.

Just wait until we take you camping. That's gonna be AWESOME. Very soon, my dear. Very soon.

You still aren't crawling, although the last few days it's clear that you're considering it. You do, however, love to stand for extended periods but you haven't figured out cruising or even getting yourself into a standing position. You do try to pull yourself up, but you aren't there yet. I don't mind; I'm happy that I can put you down anywhere and trust that you won't move. I realize that's only temporary, so I'm going to enjoy being able to sit on the toilet for extended periods for now. When you sit, you are much more balanced these days--you rarely fall over unless you want to, and you can kick your legs or bounce on your butt without losing your balance at all. You can also lean all the way forward with your head between your knees without tipping over. You learned this in the tub because you are obsessed with the drain.

We have been taking you swimming every week and you love the water something fierce. You thrash and kick and splash with great joy, often going past laughing all the way to squealing with delight. You've charmed everyone at the YMCA except the nasty ladies at the counter that almost didn't let us in last time (turned out I'd read the schedule online wrong, and we didn't have the proper membership to swim then--sorry about that--but MAN they were nasty). It is a really, really fun thing for the three of us to do together and we're trying to contact someone at the local swim clubs (apparently, they are closed in the winter--how odd) so we can find out if we can join and go swimming together every day this summer.

The reason that we can go swimming every day this summer is because I finally found a way to come home. I'll be able to work early in the mornings and late at night which will free up the middle of the day for all the Tori-time I can stand. This is awesome. In fact, it might well be the most awesome thing in the universe. Other than you, of course.

I swear over the last month you've gotten even more gorgeous than you were before. People now stop us on the street to exclaim over your beautiful eyes and your sweet, sweet smile. I've begun doing silly things to your hair, which I love very much, and it makes you so cute sometimes I think my head is actually going to pop off from the cuteness. I know that we are going to have to cut your hair at some point because it's in your eyes all the time, but not yet. I'm not ready.

To further enhance your cuteness, I've bought you some awesome new t-shirts. Hopefully you won't have to talk about what this one says later in your life in therapy. If you do, I'm sorry in advance. It's just that bringing you to this world was a group project--and I don't just mean the doctors at the fertility clinic, but all these people here on the Internets that got me through the sadness after your big brothers died. Without their hope and encouragement and prayers, I'm not sure I could have opened up my heart enough to let you in.

But I did, and you're here, and my life and my heart are more full than I could have ever imagined. I love you so much, my darling, darling girl. I will cover you in kisses every day that you let me. You are the  best and most perfect thing I've ever seen. I love you, baby girl.

Ten Great Things

I finally got my first nibble on my new venture! Very exciting. Now I'm off to find some sort of clothing to wear at an interview that makes me look both ten years younger and a hundred pounds thinner. Heh.

The last two days, Tori has cried as I left for work. That loud, cracking noise you heard about 10:30 EST today and yesterday? That was my heart.

 

On to more cheerful things...

Ten Great Things About Tori (with Photos!)

1. Her hair is long enough to do this:

2. Tori has learned to use crying. As in a manipulative way. She now has a specific cry for when an item she wants is taken away from her, one for when she is not! interested! in napping! Then there's the one that will make her Daddy do anything she wants. I imagine that one will last a long, long time.

3. Tori has stopped flapping. Instead, when she's happy, she does what I call the "happy hand dance" where she flutteres her hands about in graceful circles. The happier she is, the more exaggerated and elaborate the fluttering circles become. God, it's cute.

4. Tori has learned to whisper. When she's chanting "da-da-da" or "ba-ba-ba" sometimes she'll drop her voice from a scream down to a tiny, soft growl. There is nothing cuter in the world than Tori tilting her head down and softly saying, "da-da-da." Hopefully she will NOT inherit her mother's complete inability to whisper (actually, I can whisper. But my whispers are, for some reason I don't understand, audible from two miles away).

5. When Tori yells, she screws her face up in a very funny way. Much like this:

6. Tori has figured out how to kick her feet repeatedly while she is sitting. This is especially satisfying for her in the bathtub. She looks a bit like someone on a stationary bike when she does it. It's hilarious.

7. At least once a week, Tori decides that she is not going to go to bed until we do after 11 (I think it's because she, like her mother, has a crush on Jon Stewart). This usually causes me to carp at Charlie because I'm hungry and she won't let me put her down to eat my dinner.

8. When Charlie and I argue for whatever reason in front of Tori, she thinks this is the funniest thing in the world and laughs really, really loudly. I think she's just super smart and knows we'll stop yelling and laugh too.

9. Tori has her own remote control. I'm hoping allowing her to play with a remote control won't have long term consequences like when you give a dog an old shoe to chew on and the dog doesn't understand and chews up your Manolo Blahniks (this has not happened to me because a) I would never allow a dog to chew on old shoes and b) I wouldn't ever wear shoes that cost more than some cars I've owned).

10. Tori continues to be the most awesome baby ever. We had house guests last week and she took it completely in stride, even when she woke up in the middle of the night and was paraded in front of two tall heavily tattooed strangers. She makes is so easy to love her. Last night as Charlie and I were sitting on the couch watching American Idol (Chris! you were totally robbed!), I turned to Charlie and said, "I just love this little girl so much." And he said, "I know. Isn't it cool?"

It really, really is.

Nine Months

My darling Tori Anne,

Today you are nine months old! You have officially lived outside in the world longer than you lived inside of me. I can't believe you've been a part of our lives for so long. It's like you just got here, but it feels like you've been here forever.

Your primary interest in life these days is to put everything in the universe into your mouth (that toy you're chewing on is by your friend Denika). Luckily, we aren't germ-phobic parents so we go ahead and pretty much let you--as long as you won't choke on it. Often when things don't taste like you think they should you yank them out of your mouth and proceed to lecture to them at length about how they have failed you. If the objects understood your babble, they would feel terribly ashamed.

The constant chewing and possible teething (we're still waiting for your upper teeth to come in; they are taking a looooooooong time) has led to you having a pretty awful drool rash. In the mornings it is very bumpy and all over your chin (sometimes going all the way up to your eye) but it fades over the course of the day. You're still beautiful but I worry that folks look at you and think we are bad parents that have allowed you to get a bad rash. It doesn't bother you a bit though, thank god.

Moments after I wrote the post about how I was worried about your development, it's like you got a memo to speed it all up or something. In just the last week you've changed so much! You've started babbling more understandable syllables--you now say da-da-da and ba-ba-ba indiscriminately. You've decreased the amount of time you blow raspberries so that you can chatter away more. You wake up in the morning long before we do and are happy to stay in your crib for a while talking to your binky. Someday soon we'll let you have toys in there that you can have long conversations with too. Anything that allows your mommy and daddy to snatch a few more minutes of sleep!

You sit up by yourself now. You daddy still likes to put a lot of pillows behind you, but you only fall backwards now if you want to. You can sit and play with your toys for long periods of time, as long as we're nearby and smile at you when you want us too.

You can hold toys in both hands now, and transfer a toy from one hand to the other. You roll over with ease now from front to back, and will roll over from back to front if it involves chasing a cat. You can turn while sitting to get a toy, and will often lean all the way forward with your hands on the floor. You love hanging out on the rug, playing and learning and growing. We love to watch you.

Just in the last few days you've begun to open your hands while playing patty cake, and your daddy claims you actually clapped--once. While you still show no interest in crawling, you will be pulling yourself up to a sitting position very soon now--you try and try and are clearly going to be able to do it any minute now. You can stand for a moment--three or four seconds--without support. You can hold on to something and stand for longer, but don't usually bother unless there is a toy or something just out of your reach. I no longer have to use a baby bathtub with you--you can sit up in the tub just fine and enjoy bath time quite a bit. Except for two things--drying you off (oh! how you hate to be dried off!), and having to put away the rubber ducky. God, how you love that ducky.

You are enduring winter like a champ. You only complain a little when we get you suited up to go outside. It's snowing again today, and whenever it snows you love to stare out the window and try to make sense of the way everything looks so different.

Tori, you are just an amazing little girl. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be your mommy. I know I say this every month, but every moment with you is just a complete joy. Except when you pull my hair. Can you stop pulling my hair? Thanks.

I love you, my perfect baby girl. I love you more than anything in the world.

Development, or, How Does Your Baby Grow?

So, yes, I've got some fears about Tori's development.

As you know, I had a 70% placenta abruption on the day of her birth. Abruption can deprive a baby of several important things like blood and oxygen--which can cause brain damage, of course. Now, Tori has NEVER shown any signs of brain damage; no one (and by no one I mean her doctors) thinks she was ever really at risk.

But I still worry.

A huge amount of my worry can be traced to this fucking book. According to this book, Tori should be crawling, cruising, self-feeding, and filling out college applications by this point. Even if I correct for her prematurity (she was born at 35.5 weeks, so 4.5 week early), she's still woefully behind according to their "milestones" charts.

So I worry.

Tori barely rolls over. She can, when she wants to--she's plenty strong enough. But she rarely seems to want to roll over. She sits up without support and without falling over, sometimes for up to an hour at a time. But she's showing no desire to crawl, not even yet getting up on her knees and doing that rocking thing pre-crawling babies do. If I put her on her belly and put her toys out of reach, she just stretches and grunts and tries to reach them. Very rarely, she will scoot backwards a bit. She can spin around while on her belly, but that's it. She can't use her first finger and her thumb as pinchers to pick up food. She won't open her hands to clap and play patty cake.

And she flaps. She sits and flaps her arms up and down like she's trying to fly away unless she's actually holding a toy. She isn't quite coordinated enough to get stuff into her mouth on her first try (I can't tell you how many times she's whacked herself in the forehead attempting to eat the TV remote, and yes, we allow her to chew on her very own remote which is the only way I can keep the cable remote in my greedy, television-controlling paws)  which makes me think about things like myelin disorders (myelin is the stuff that coats nerves and allows us to have control over our movements--and yes, that's the scientific explanation. And yes, I go there).

So I worry.

But when I look at other parenting resources, like this site, I find that Tori is doing all of the seven month development milestones and two-thirds of the eight month physical milestones. She does all of the social milestones for both months. Which means she's actually slightly advanced.

So, in order to stop fucking worrying, I'm going to stop reading that book. I'm just going to give it away. OK, maybe I'll recycle it. I don't want to "spread the worry," so to speak.

In the meantime, we are trying to work with Tori more. We've started putting her on her knees to encourage her to get into a crawling position. I'm trying to make her practice standing more (one problem there--turns out that in the Exersaucer she's usually on her toes, apparently, so when she stands she does it 'on pointe' and we have to encourage her to flatten her feet) and she can stand for two or three seconds on her own. She does lean forward while sitting and place both hands on the floor, which is apparently a prelude to crawling. 

So I'm working with her, and working on calming the hell down.

We'll get there. The other thing I'm going to do is stop comparing Tori to Sarah's daughter who was cruising at five months and walking by nine. Sarah's kid is an extremely tall child, after all (Tori is of average height, but is probably destined to follow in her mother's vertically challenged footsteps) which probably made walking easier for her. In recovery we always say to "compare yourself to yourself," and I'll try to do that with Tori. Compared to a month ago, after all, she's developed quite a bit.

Feel free to tell me in the comments how long it took your kid to do things.  But please refrain from telling me how "lucky" I am that she's not crawling yet. Please. It's kinda like telling an infertile to "just relax" or "oh, your life is better without kids!" I know chasing after a crawling baby is exhausting. Really.

Speaking of infertility (rough segue, I know)... You know what we infertiles were lacking? A catchy reggae dance tune, that's what. Ladysaw has rectified that error. Listen to the tune on her Myspace page--it's called, appropriately, "No Less of a Woman." Thanks to my buddy Nancy (mother of Tori's soon-to-be lesbian girlfriend) for the link.

Eight Months

My darling Tori Anne,

You are eight months old today! You have been living outside in the world nearly as long as you were living inside of me. You've been very busy this month, and you've learned a lot of new things.

You can, if you want to, roll over now from front to back. You have no desire whatsoever to roll over the other way. You prefer to lay on your back and kick and kick and kick. We don't mind. You'll do it when you're ready.

You also can sit up quite well now. We can't yet set you down and just leave you with a pile of toys--you still wobble a bit and can fall backwards and whack your head--so we sit with you and watch you try to eat all of the toys we put in front of you. You seem to be pretty sure that toys are for only two things--eating and shaking really, really hard.

You eat really well these days. You actually eat three times a day, just like we adults should. You love certain things more than others; you especially like yogurt, and you love eating bananas. Not the mush they sell for kids your age, but actual bananas.

You've grown too. Your face has gotten much longer and your cheeks have lost a lot of the adorable chubbiness they had a few months ago. Your hair is incredibly long now--we actually use barrettes sometimes to keep it out of your face. It doesn't hurt that they are incredibly adorable too.

Before you started sleeping on your belly all the time, you managed to rub off all the hair on the back of your head except for the hair right behind your ears. Those little wisps are ridiculously long now. Your father keeps threatening to cut them off but he knows I'll kick his ass if he does. The rest of your hair has grown back on your head, but it's lighter than the hair you were born with. If you compare the ends of your longest hair with the newer growth people might think I colored your hair when you were born. But I promise I didn't. I won't start dying your hair until you're at least three.

You are the happiest baby. In a room full of babies on Sunday you were the only one that didn't cry. Your incredibly good nature just blows us away all the time. Strangers stop and look at you and exclaim about how beautiful you are and how happy you seem. Everyone tells me that you look just like your Daddy but I see a lot of myself as a baby in you. Sometimes I feel a little sad that no one thinks you look like me, but everyone tells me you will eventually.

I worry about when you are going to grow out of your absolutely favorite thing, the Exersaucer. If you do I won't know what to do with you when I want to eat breakfast and stuff before work. I guess that's when we'll have to break out the playpen. But for now, you are content to just bounce and play in the saucer.

I don't know how I spent so much of my life without you in it. Oh! I almost forgot. This month you became ticklish--I love nothing more when I come home from work than to hold you and tickle you and make you laugh and laugh and laugh. You have the best laugh, Tori. Really.

You are my angel. I love each and every day with you and regret the time we spend apart. Thank you for coming into my life and my heart, my darling girl. You are amazing.

More photos here.

Unbearable Cuteness of Being

Today, Charlie is sick and I'm busy, so you are going to content yourselves with this: the long awaited photos of Tori in the tutu.

Have a great weekend!

Whoa, Nellie

So Tori has suddenly gone from "oh, why bother" to constantly rolling over (from front to back) all willy-nilly. Usually in the crib. And whacking her head on the crib bars. No preamble to this at all, she's just like, "Hey, I guess I might as well roll over. Why not?"

Sheesh, kiddo, a little warning, eh?

Anyway, our crib sides are bare because everyone shrieked "SIDS! SIDS! SIDS!" whenever I considered buying crib bumpers, but now I see why they might be just a touch helpful, at least until Tori manages to have better control over her rolling abilities.

After much review (you know, twenty minutes on line), I went ahead and got this (and yes, Tanya, I already bought it so don't even try. Heh). I'm hoping it will prevent the roll over--hit head--begin screaming cycle that Tori has fallen into. It's totally fucking up her naps.

On a related note, am I the last person in the world to know about Babble? What an awesome site! Doppleganger linked to it today (discussing the category of "hipster" parents--who knew? I fall into a category. Although I preferred the "fat tattooed moms" category. Oh well!), and that lead me to read this article about back vs. stomach sleeping for infants.

As you know, Charlie and I have been tempting fate by placing Tori on her belly to sleep for a couple of months now. She just sleeps sooooooo much better that way, and it wasn't a big deal at night when she was in the co-sleeper, right next to my head. But since she's been in the crib (for you know, like two weeks), I've found myself worrying about it a lot more, wondering if I should work harder to train her to sleep on her back, even though every time we place her on her back she kicks and kicks and kicks and can never manage to fall asleep--not to mention waking up everyone in the neighborhood because her kicks are akin to the sounds of a herd of rampaging buffaloes.

But that article, along with the anecdotal testimony of lots of moms I know, has put my fears to rest. This is probably the ONLY article I've ever read about a parenting issue that didn't descend into hysteria and fear-mongering. It was so refreshing to read. I haven't gotten the chance to poke around the site much yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Let me know what you think.

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In case you were wondering, I've decided to try to be more topical without actually assigning specific topics to specific days. Part of it is because so many of you said things like "I don't agree with your politics so I'll probably just skim those days" and I so totally want to sneak political things into entries and trick you guys into reading them. Ahem. But I also agreed that it would probably be too restrictive. So I'm just trying to pay attention to things more, follow more links in stuff I read, and educate myself so I can come back her and talk with you all about things that matter to me.

Hopefully this will inspire both you to read and me to write. Cause that's why we're here, right?

The Crib

So I haven't told you all yet, but ever since I blogged about not being able to sleep while Tori is in her crib, well, something changed. So last weekend, we made the switch.

And, to add to my growing list of "Why I'm A Bad Mommy" we found that she, generally, sleeps waaaaaay better in the crib. The reason, probably, is because she really weighs too much now for that half-inch thick piece of foam they call a mattress in the co-sleeper. When we put her in the crib, with a real mattress, her whole body is clearly more relaxed and happy. She's been sleeping through with only one wake-up for feeding again (except last night, she was up three times; I need toothpicks to prop my eyelids open today).

We even had to start setting an alarm again--something we haven't done since she was born--since she seems content to stay in the crib until one of us wakes up. We've slept as late as 9:30, which is awesome, except that I have to be up a little earlier than that to get to work by 11. I cannot WAIT to sleep in on Saturday.

So now we're moving toward eliminating our first piece of baby furniture. We'll probably use the co-sleeper in it's "playpen" setting down in the basement* when she gets a little older. But now I want to re-do our bedroom arrangement.

Since y'all were so helpful on the car seat front (wow, do you people like Britax seats or what?), I'm wondering what you think of that design trend that was popular a bit ago to have the bed at an angle (you know, in a corner). I'm thinking that would work in our odd little bedroom, but it seems a tad pretentious. And what do you do with the empty space behind the bed? I mean, I suppose we could install a sex swing or something, but I don't think our ceilings could take it. It would be great to put a table back there in place of end tables, but I've never seen a corner-shaped end-type table. And NO I'm not going to build one. Have you met me? Not. Crafty. At. All.

I suppose you could put a plant back there, but I just deliberately killed off the ficus tree I've had for nearly 14 years (it got some disease and parts of it kept dying off, so I just let the cold kill it). I really don't have a clue what to do. But I do think it would make great use of our space, because of the way our windows are placed.

Gah. I will stop now. Very boring entry. Oh, but I do think we'll get a Britax. We'll start saving pennies now. Heh.

*NO, we are not going to put our child in a playpen in the basement and leave her there. Charlie's office is down there, and it would help him when he's working.

7 Months

My darling Tori,

You are seven months old today! That is just amazing. You might be interested to know that seven is my favorite number (or maybe not). You are such a big girl now! Here we are when you were a month old:

And here we are now:

You have been such a delight this month! You have changed so much. You now laugh with ease and great frequency. You even have a wide variety of laughs now; you have your giggle laugh, and you hundred-year-old-man laugh (where you just go heeeeeeeeehhhh heeeeeeeeeehhh heeehh real slow--it's the funniest thing), and you have a little chortle. You've also found that sometimes when something is REALLY funny, just laughing isn't enough. You end the laugh with a high-pitched squeal that is peeling the paint off the wall of a closet upstairs (OK, that's not why the paint is peeling. I just don't want to think about what's really causing it). We love your laugh and all of its variants.

You have also become a flapper. And no, I don't mean a 20's era dancer. You flap your arms constantly. When we put you in your Bumbo, I'm convinced that any minute now you'll begin to fly around the living room like some sort of giant bumblebee because you flap so hard. You flap your legs too, although we call it "kicking." Sometimes you'll lay on your back, flapping your arms and kicking your legs and you'll suddenly start screaming at the top of your lungs. Not crying--just screaming to hear yourself scream. That scream leaves the upstairs closet alone, but I do believe it's ruptured my left eardrum. What?

You still don't roll over, and I don't blame you. Why bother when you can whimper a little and one of us will pick you up? You do, however, sit up now--not too long by yourself (you manage only about five seconds by yourself) but with just a little support on your back you can sit up for long periods of time. You grew out of your bathtub, so we bought you a new one that you can sit up in and fall over in without a problem cause it's a giant blow-up duck with a hollowed-out back that you can sit in. It's awesome. And when you squeeze its beak it makes a quacking sound that makes the dog come running.

A lot of folks have asked how you and Hammer, the best dog ever (TM), are doing. Truth is, you only just realized we actually have a dog in the last month or so. When you are in your Exersaucer (that we leave you in for way too long, probably, but you love it so, so much), and Hammer walks by, you laugh and laugh and laugh. He also has suddenly started giving you kisses--lots and lots of kisses--which is funny because he's not really a very kissy dog. When he kisses you, his tongue covers your whole face. You hold your breath and then when he stops you LAUGH! It's so adorable. I don't know if it's because he loves you that he kisses you or if it's because now that you eat solids you often have food on your face. Let's go with love, m'kay?

Sometimes when we're sitting on the couch you lean over and grab Hammer's collar or ears or try to put your fingers in his eyes. He's so patient with you he often doesn't even wake up fully.

You've also fallen in love with our cat Annie. Annie is a strange little cat--your daddy and I adopted her when she was only two days old, so we fed her from a bottle just like we sometimes feed you. Her body grew all weird from not having her mother's milk so she has a tiny little head and short front legs but these really long and ridiculous back legs so when she runs she looks bizarre. You just love watching her run. Annie doesn't like anyone--not even your Godmother Sarah, who actually helped raise her when she was a tiny little kitten. But you? You, she loves. You reach out and grab handfuls of her hair and yank it out and she just purrs and purrs. When you are in the Exersaucer (see, you ARE in there a lot) she runs over and rubs all over it and your little feet hanging out the bottom. It's so funny to see.

You interact with strangers a lot more now. If we go out to eat, you are constantly scanning the faces of those around us to see who will pay attention to you. When someone looks at you, you break out in a huge nose-wrinkling grin and stare at them until they finally look away. You don't mind it anymore when Sarah babysits, or when the ladies from the church want to hold you--at least, if you are well-rested. Today, sadly, you decided to not nap all morning so by the time the service started, and I tried to give you to Judy--who you normally adore--so that I could go sing in the choir... well, you just cried and cried. it was awful. I didn't know what to do. Next week, back in the sling with you. Or you'll have to stay home with Daddy while I'm at church... sob! Especially since there's the additional problem of the whole choir focusing on you during rehearsal, making our choral director want to tear out his hair. I guess we'll have to wait until you're ready for Sunday School, huh?

You've expanded your food repertoire considerably this month. You like beans now (regular refried beans--the food I hated the most as a child), and tofu (which makes taking you to any Asian-style of restaurant easy), but most of all, above and beyond any other food--mashed potatoes. You'll eat them at restaurants, or the ones I make at home with Potato Buds and breast milk. Sometimes I'll take too long getting a spoonful of them to your mouth (or, god forbid, taking a bite of my own food) and you'll yell really loud. Guess you're going to be a carb lover like your mom and dad. Sigh.

I've been lucky enough to be off of work and home with you for the last couple of weeks (and one more week to go!). It's going to be hard being away from you all day again... Nothing is better than spending time with you, my darling girl. Nothing.

Your daddy and I have become a really good team while I've been home with you. It's been wonderful. We both love you so much! Sometimes we look at you and just can't believe you're really here. You are such a miracle. A wonder. A delight. A love. And an angel.

We love you more and more, Tori Anne. You are the best baby ever (TM). Happy Birthday, darling. (More photos here).